Chapter 21 #3
“I really was just trying to help. I know college can be a lot, and you’ve been through a lot, Jade.
I know we don’t exactly get along anymore, Zander, but I swear that’s what it was,” he finally says.
The look on his face makes me think it’s genuine, but Zander knows him better than I do, so I default to him.
He looks at Trent for a long minute, and for a moment, I worry he might lunge at him, but finally, he relents, giving Trent a nod. I can see him visibly relaxed at knowing Zander believed him.
Trent nods back before he turns to walk away, and I expect us to also head towards Zander’s car. Instead, Zander calls out to Trent just before he reaches his car, causing him to stop and look back at us.
“Still can’t get it running?” he asks, and I have no idea what he’s talking about or how he expects Trent to.
Trent hesitates for a moment, and it seems like he’s debating answering before he simply shakes his head. He looks sad, and I’m not sure if it’s because he admitted that or because of whatever it is that Zander’s talking about.
With a huff, Zander gives my hand a slight tug, pulling me with him as we head back to his car.
“Bring it by the shop next weekend, and I’ll see what I can do,” he says as he opens my door for me to get in.
I don’t; instead, I stand there again, looking back and forth between them, confused out of my mind.
These two cycle through emotions so quickly I feel like I have whiplash just listening to one of their conversations.
“You don’t have to do that. I’ll get it eventually. I know you guys don’t do handouts,” Trent tells him, and his words almost sound cold but not quiet, more on guard than anything.
“Just keep looking out for Jade, and we’ll call it even,” Zander tells him in a serious tone that has me looking at him with suspicion.
His seriousness lasts only a moment before his signature unhinged smile is back to play. “Besides, you know I’ve always wanted to get my hands on the beast,” he tells him, and Trent actually barks a laugh before shaking his head.
“Yeah, okay, I can do that,” he tells him before he gives me a wave and a smile and gets into his car. He pulls out of the spot and is gone. As his car gets smaller and smaller, I can’t stop myself from turning to Zander.
“Were you just nice to Trent?” I ask him with a real hint of disbelief in my voice.
“Har har, laugh it up. I can be nice when I want to be,” he says, leaning into my space.
“I’m nice to you all the time, Doll," he says, and his voice once again drops low. The first time in the hall, I could have said he did it to be funny but to do it again so soon lets me know he knows exactly what that tone does to me, and I can’t decide if I love that or hate it.
I push him back playfully, “Oh, I know just how nice you can be. Heavy emphasis on the can there, Zander. I just didn’t think, out of everyone, that you would be nice to Trent.
” He motions me towards the open door again, and this time, I slide in because he wasn’t joking earlier.
We do need to get moving so we aren’t late.
He closes the door behind me, and I buckle up while he goes around and gets behind the wheel, pulling out of the lot and heading back to the house.
“We didn’t always have such an issue with each other, Doll,” he says after a few minutes, and I find that hard to believe. It must be obvious by the look on my face because he just chuckles before continuing.
“I know it might be hard to believe because you’ve only ever seen us like this, but once, not that long ago, it wasn’t just Roderick, Spencer, and me.
” He gets quiet, and I don’t push him for more.
I have a lot of my own shit that I don’t know if I will ever want to share, but I know if I do, I’ll only share it because I want to, not because I feel pressured. And I don’t want to do that to Zander.
As much as I didn’t plan to be here, I also didn’t prepare to feel anything for anyone around me. At this point, that has been shot to shit, but I do know I don’t want to do any damage, either. I want Zander to trust me almost as badly as I want to be able to trust him, all of them.
Fuck, every day, it gets harder to remember this is temporary.
“Trent grew up with us. That’s why Hazel is like a little sister to us because for a long time, that’s exactly what she was.
Our best friend's kid sister. She always will be in many ways because no matter how we feel about Trent, looking out for Hazel will still be second nature.” Zander keeps his eyes on the road as he speaks, and I watch his face for a moment before looking out the window at the town around us as it passes.
It’s about an hour's drive back to the house, and after about ten minutes, I’m tempted to turn on the radio just to break the silence.
“Some shit happened a few years ago, and Trent’s dad was killed by the gang that used to run the city before Vengeance.” His voice is quiet, but I can hear the sadness in each word.
After a moment, he looks over at me, and I see the sadness clear on his face. It shocks me how much his sadness affects me. Zander is always happy, smiling, and making jokes, and even when he’s occasionally upset or serious, it never lasts long, at least not that I’ve seen.
This is different. I can tell from the look on his face that this has been affecting him.
If it happened years ago, and he still looks this torn up over it, it must have been much worse when it was fresh.
I wonder if anyone else knows he’s been carrying this around.
I can’t imagine Trent does, but what about Spencer and Roderick?
I reach out, putting my hand on his knee, hoping to seem supportive.
I can’t do much, but if being here is something that can help him, I’m happy to do that.
He gives me a slight smile before he turns his attention back to the road, but it looks forced, not at all his usual smile.
After a moment, he drops one of his hands from the wheel to lie on top of mine.
“It wasn’t any of our faults, but Trent couldn’t get over that we were trying to be a part of Sin, and they were the ones who took his dad.
By then, Vengeance had already started moving in on them, so we weren’t even trying, but he still wasn’t happy.
Some shit was said, a lot of crap happened, and I don’t even know what the final straw was anymore.
” He lets out a shaky breath before pushing on.
“But when it was all said and done, Trent couldn’t even look at us anymore.
We lost someone who was like a brother to us, and that’s what was most upsetting.
We thought we could get through anything together after spending our whole lives fighting for what we wanted against everyone else.
We never thought something could come between us, and it was too late when we realized that's what was happening.” I can hear the emotion in his voice, and I know this isn't easy for him, no matter how long ago it might have been. Some wounds never heal.
“I tried to patch shit up a few times, but it never worked out, and now it’s past that. We work together under Froggie, and he hates it because of what happened with Sin, but our hands are tied.” He shakes his head a few times as if to get himself under control, and I get it.
Life’s full of bullshit, but it’s one foot forward or one in the grave, and sometimes all you can do is push past the shit.
“I saw the way you looked at him,” he says after a few. I open my mouth to respond, but he continues before I can say anything.
“It’s not a big deal, Jade. I want you to be happy. I might not like Trent, but he’s not a bad guy. So, if you want him around as a friend or something else, I can live with that. In the same way, I don’t care if you spend time with Kratos. I’m just happy to have you here.”
I don’t know what to say to that because nobody has ever cared about my happiness before, and they definitely haven't cared enough to make themselves uncomfortable just for my benefit. So, instead, I stay quiet.
“He might not be in our world anymore, but he knows it well enough from our past and his time on the force. He’s also close with Jake, which means if he keeps snooping around you, Trent will know, and even with our past, I feel better knowing someone else besides us is looking out for you,” he tells me.
I want to argue that I don’t need protection, but the words get stuck in my throat.
I’m so used to taking care of myself that help seems like a strange concept.
He looks over at me, and I give him a tight smile because it’s all I can seem to manage. It seems to be enough for him.
We drive in silence for a while, and I can tell his mind is a mess just by the look on his face, but I don’t know what to say to make it better.
I’ve never been great with words or advice because the best advice I’ve ever been given was ‘never stop surviving.’ And while it got me through, it made my life a mess, just like his.
And based on what I know about the guys, I would say they already live by that advice.
Before I can think better of it, I unbuckle and lean over the center council. I leave my hand on his leg and rest my head against his shoulder in my best attempt at a hug that I can give him while he drives.
The girls used to need someone, even if I couldn’t do anything to change what life gave us. I could be there for them. There's no reason I can’t do the same for Zander.
His hand that rests on mine comes up to cup my cheek, and he lets out a steady breath for the first time in a few minutes.
“Thanks, Doll. I don’t know what I ever did before you, but I don’t want to remember,” he says in a low voice, and while his words should freak me out, they bring me comfort instead.
I don’t do feelings. I never really have. Not only are they dangerous, but they’re messy and can cause so much pain. But I don’t feel like I have a choice with Zander. He caught me completely off guard.
This might not have been the plan, but I'm here now, and until I have to move on, I intend to stay here with him. Because no matter how short-lived it is, I want this. These feelings that I can’t explain even to myself.
They might tear me apart later, but it would kill me if I gave them up now without reason.
It's selfish and terrible, but it’s also too late.
I let my eyes slip closed as his thumb strokes over my cheek, and I drift off, completely at peace with him and myself.