Chapter 27 Jade #3
“Fuck, Killer. You're literally killing me right now, you know that?” he says, squeezing his eyes shut. His features screw up, and he almost looks like he’s in pain, but the slight curve of his lip says otherwise.
“Well, I guess I’ll get to live up to my nickname.”
His hand that isn’t holding my waist runs up my back, stopping to play with the ends of my hair. He tugs at it playfully, wrapping a strand around his finger and then releasing it before repeating the same motion again.
It’s strangely soothing, but I have a feeling it’s not just soothing me.
Kratos is hesitating with me for a reason, and as much as I would love for us to lose ourselves to one another and see where it takes us, I have a feeling that whatever is troubling him is important.
“I’ve worked hard to have Vengeance ready for you.
To get the city where it needed to be so that when you were free from the rings, you could be free for real.
Have the city at your feet the way you deserve.
” He shakes his head, letting his head fall back against the headboard, his eyes trained up at the ceiling, before he continues.
“I’ve always hated that you stayed in the rings, Jade, but I knew you had a damn good reason.
Now that you're out, I can’t stand the idea of you going back in.
No matter the reason, the thought of you putting yourself back there eats me alive.
” His eyes find mine again, and I see the truth in his words, the pain that sits just behind his usually strong exterior.
“Everything I’ve done has been for you. Yes, I wanted to help the girls, but that was because it was what you wanted.
All I’ve ever wanted from the day you killed my father was you.
At first, I wanted you to be safe. I felt like I owed it to you.
Your dream was my dream, and I wanted nothing more than to see you take down every asshole in this city, just like you did my father.
I wanted it so much that I was willing to do anything to achieve it.
I’m not sure when it changed, but after a while, it was more than that.
You were more than that. You came to me for help, for comfort, and you looked out for me even when you shouldn’t have had a way.
Sending me to the fights that night changed the whole of Vengeance, meeting Elio, you did that. ”
I open my mouth to deny that, but he shakes his head, and I snap my mouth closed again.
“I’m not saying you need to explain that right now. I know you had something to do with it, no matter what you say. Things don’t just work out like that, and we both know it. But that's a conversation for another time.”
He gives me a look that lets me know he intends to stick to that, and while I was hoping to avoid that conversation forever, I can’t do much more than nod. He’s right, I had something to do with it, but he won’t like my answer.
“What I’m trying to say here is that all of this has been for you, Jade. I—.” He cuts himself off so abruptly that I tense up, thinking something might be wrong. But as we sit in silence, I hear nothing I find alarming.
“I’ve loved you for so long I didn’t even realize you were my reason for moving forward until I saw what freedom did for you and realized that was all I'd ever been working for.”
My brain goes blank at the casual way he just told me he loves me. I’m not sure anyone but Charlotte has ever said those words to me before, and hearing them from him has a completely unique feeling and different meaning.
“I can’t give you what you want right now without taking from you as well, and you need to be aware of that.”
I nod because it’s the only thing I can make myself do right now, and he continues.
“I want you to be free. I want to be who you turn to. I don't want to fuck you once and forget about it. I want to be able to fuck you whenever I want; however, I want and know that you want it too. I want us to rule this city together and put a bullet between the eyes of every fucked-up asshole who we deem deserves it.” His eyes heat, and I hear the venom in his words. It shouldn’t be so sexy to see him so worked up, but something might be wrong with me because it only makes the ache between my legs more intense.
“But more than any of that, I want you to be mine.” My body goes stiff, and I know he feels it, but he doesn’t say anything; instead, he pushes on. “But I also want to be yours.”
The tension leaves my body so quickly that I sag in relief, realizing that he doesn’t want to own me like everyone else.
The idea of having someone is so foreign it doesn’t seem possible, but as I look into his eyes, I see it.
I can see us taking this city and completing the work we started all those years ago.
I see the power dynamic that we already have, shifting and merging into something this city has never seen before.
A future with Kratos wouldn’t be without challenges, but it would be easy in the sense of him and me and our common goal. As amazing as it sounds, something nudges at my mind even as I feel a smile tug at my lips while I think of the possibilities.
Zander pops into my brain, and the moment I think of him, my mind fits him into this idea it’s running wild with.
Adding Zander into the fold would be all too easy because he’s easy and lovable, no matter how unhinged he might be.
The three of us could be a team. Adding Zander would benefit us, not to mention I could never choose between them.
I may have had Kratos in my corner for years now, but Zander fills a completely different part of me.
He makes me feel like I can just be, with no expectations.
Even if I'm sad, silly, or grumpy, I can still be me.
The thought of Zander leads me to Trent, and like a snowball down a mountain, my brain runs away with it until I have to physically shake my head to clear it.
When I get myself back on track, I look up to find Kratos’s eyes on me and realize he’s been watching my reaction.
The thought that he just caught me daydreaming about a future with not just him but multiple other guys makes my face heat as I wonder what the fuck he would think about that.
His hand that's been playing with my hair moves away before he reaches out, cupping my cheek, his thumb skimming over my cheekbone.
I sink into the contact, my eyes fluttering closed. No matter how warm my face is from my embarrassment, his skin is still warmer. He's like a built-in heater, and I love it.
“As much as I want you, you need to understand that I can’t do this.
I can’t be someone you fuck just because.
I can’t have just a taste. I've been attached to you for so long that you've become a part of me; the thought of you walking away makes even holding you almost unbearable.” His lips pull down in a frown, and even just hearing him say it makes my chest tight. I couldn’t walk away from him even if I tried, but he doesn’t give me a chance to tell him that before he presses on.
“I want all of you, Jade, and if you don’t want that, it’s fine. We can handle Vengeance and the rings and everything else the same way we always have, but I can’t be with you and not have you. I’m not strong enough to walk away after, and you deserve to know that.”
I watch him for a moment. My heart screams at me to tell him I want him the same way, but I’m torn, and instead of reassuring him, I ask him what I really need to know.
“What if I can’t be only yours?”
The question almost physically hurts me to ask because I know what his answer will be. How Kratos still wants me, even knowing my past is confusing enough, but adding more to that, there's no way.
His brows scrunch up in confusion as he watches me, and I hate that I’m going to let him down, but I owe it to him to be honest, just like he was with me.
“I don’t know what Zander wants, but I do know that I enjoy being with him.
He might be crazy and hard to handle for you guys, but he’s so much more than that.
He gives me things I didn’t know I could ever have or that I ever knew I wanted.
He’s fun and funny, and I look forward to our time together.
” I pause, taking a breath before I continue, my words coming out faster the more I talk.
The panic building inside of me. “And Trent. I know he’s not in the same lifestyle, but he cares.
I know you guys were mad at him at first, but we both know I hid on purpose, and he’s felt so bad about it.
He’s gone out of his way to help me however he can, even now that he knows who I am…
” I trail off, realizing that they might know I’m Froggie, but they don’t know everything.
Would any of them still want to be around me when they do?
They’ve been able to look past a lot, but will they look at me with pity when they know everything?
Kratos never has…
Kratos lifts my head so that I’m forced to meet his gaze. I see the same emotions shining back at me. It would be so easy to fall into him, this man who knows me better than I know myself most days, who says he loves me not despite my past but because of it.
Love.
I’m not really sure what it feels like. Do I love the girls? I think so. I know I want them safe, and I’d give my life for them.
Is that love?
But looking up at Kratos, I know we could figure it out. He would help me, just like he always has.
I should be grateful that anyone is capable of loving me, but instead, all I can think about is the guys.
Fuck, that’s selfish, isn’t it?
I open my mouth to apologize, but when I find him smiling at me, my curiosity gets the better of me.
“What?”
He shakes his head, but his smile doesn’t falter.
“I wasn’t asking you to only be mine. I know what you have with Zander and Trent. Hell, even Roderick and Spencer.”
I make a face at his mention of Spencer, and he simply raises a brow at me.
“Don’t look at me like that. You and Spencer are either going to kill each other or end up fucking, maybe even both.”
“No.” That will not happen. Spencer would sooner kill himself than let me touch him, and the feeling is mutual most days.
“Whatever you say, Killer. Just know I can share. I don’t care who else you need to be with. I just need to be one of those people.” I open my mouth to tell him just how out of his mind he is about Spencer and me, before his words register and the words die.
I close my mouth when it becomes apparent I have nothing to say. There's no way I heard him correctly.
“What did you say?” I finally choke the words out after what feels like forever, but I have to know if I imagined that or if he really just said what I think he said.
Kratos leans into my space, sitting up straighter and once again proving just how much bigger than me he truly is.
He guides my head up with his finger that still rests under my chin.
“Listen and listen well. I don’t care who you need, so long as I’m on that list. If you want to fuck Zander, that’s fine by me.
When you and Spencer snap and hate-fuck each other, I’m good with it.
” I huff at him with the Spencer bullshit again, but he ignores me and keeps going, as if he didn’t even notice.
“I’m more than fine with sharing you, so long as you’re mine and I’m yours. Nothing else matters to me.”
I look at him, looking for some hint of a lie. Some flicker of jealousy at the thought of me with others, but I see nothing of the sort. Instead, all I see is honesty and desire.
He watches me, and I realize he’s probably waiting for some kind of response, but I don’t know what to say.
My brain is going in about a thousand different directions as I think of what this really means.
A future where I can be whoever I want to be and not lose the people who matter most to me.
I’ll have to talk to Zander, but I can’t imagine he would be upset.
He’s been pushing me at Kratos for a while now.
I’m not sure how Trent will feel or if he even wants me at all.
For all I know, that moment in the kitchen could’ve been a lapse of judgment, but it didn’t feel like that, at least not to me.
I don’t want to worry about that right now. That’s something I can handle later. For now, I need to focus on what's right in front of me, and that's this beautiful man who has done nothing but be whatever I needed, anytime I needed him.
Words might be failing me, but I know how to make him understand without them.
Surging forward, I slam my lips to his hard enough that I knock us back against the headboard. He grunts but doesn’t protest as his arm wraps around me to steady us. I don’t pull away, and he doesn’t push me off as I melt into him.