Chapter 5
Dead end after dead end, everywhere we look.
For once, it’s not about police or Vengeance. We’re all lost.
Yet, somehow, I find myself losing my temper more and more with the justice system and turning to Vengeance.
I didn’t want to be in this life with the guys.
For a while in high school, it sounded okay.
The power, the money, the girls, and the respect, but I was never as sure as the guys were.
Spence, Rick, and Zan went after Vengeance like it was their sole mission to be a part of it, while I only did it because they were.
After my dad was killed, it was easier to walk away and decide life in a gang wasn’t what I wanted.
Leaving the guys wasn’t as easy.
They had been my friends, my brothers, for years.
I couldn’t recall a time in my life when they weren’t a part of it.
Walking away from them left a loneliness in me that I didn’t know what to do with.
I took everything I was feeling and threw it into being a cop.
It was what my dad had done, and it was one way I knew how to honor his memory.
It didn’t take long for me to fly through the ranks, and with James as the chief, it was even easier.
I’m pretty sure he looked at me and saw my father, but that was fine.
He lost his best friend before his eyes. I wouldn’t hold that against him.
Every achievement only left me more hollow, though.
I had friends, people who liked me for my looks or position.
Hell, even those who flocked to me for sports achievements or girls who hoped to catch my eye—but none of them would be there if I needed them, not like the guys had been. None of them really knew me.
I kept going because that was how I thought I could keep my family safe.
Jade shattered that.
I hated that I had somehow fallen under the guy’s thumb, even on the other side of the law.
I’d wanted to stay away from Vengeance. I gave up everything to do it, including my friends, yet here I was, taking orders from them.
They were so close but completely closed off to me, and I’d been the one to decide that.
I’d pushed them away, said fuck them and their decision, and made my own without them.
Yet they’d been the ones to save Jade.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the more I learned about Vengeance, the more I thought I might have made the wrong choice. Not that it matters now. I can’t change the past, but I can make better choices moving forward.
Vengeance was created out of necessity, a need far greater and more just than my reason for staying away.
Jade was the tipping point, the reason I saw things so clearly now.
The police weren’t all-knowing, and they weren’t all good.
In the same way, gangs didn’t inherently mean bad.
Are there bad ones? Yes, Sin was a perfect example of that, but Vengeance isn’t the same, even if I treated them as if they were.
Vengeance was here, saving the people we failed.
Sometimes, the police aren’t able to do what’s needed.
Laws and regulations—the same ones meant to keep people safe—sometimes do the opposite.
Sometimes, police officers let their pride get in the way, skewing their judgment.
Beyond all of that, I got back something that I hadn’t realized I was lacking…purpose. My life has been a lot of just keep moving lately. I went from one goal to the next blindly, trying to achieve what I thought would bring me happiness.
It never worked. I only created another goal that leaves me unsatisfied.
Baking with Jade, time in class, and studying with her were the first times I’d felt content with just living in a long time.
Enjoying the life I have between the moments.
I can’t even deny that I enjoy being around the guys again, too.
At first, it was awkward, but it didn’t take long to get back to where we once were.
They hadn’t changed much, and it startled me to realize I hadn’t either.
No matter how much I liked to pretend that I had.
My life isn’t anything like what I thought it would be, not a couple of months ago or even back in high school.
If you had asked me if I’d share a girl back in high school, I would have laughed and said I was down for a threesome anytime.
A couple of months ago, the idea of it probably would have made me punch whoever had the balls to ask.
But now.
Now, I can’t imagine going back to the way it was before. The tedious daily tasks, the drive to be the best was rooted so deeply that they were my entire personality, my purpose.
Giving up the guys, Vengeance…
Jade.
“Fuck!”
I slam my fist against the steering wheel but hardly feel it. It's been a long time since I've felt so out of control of my emotions, but ever since she disappeared, I feel like I’m slowly slipping. I feel numb and somehow have too many emotions at the same time.
I know it’s not just me who’s struggling, either. Hell, Rick and Zander are closer to the edge than I’ve ever seen before. And Kratos, I don’t have to know him better to see the difference in him now that she’s gone.
They love her. It’s so obvious. The lengths they would go to get her back, you can’t measure. I won’t ask them, but I’d bet my life they would give up their own to trade for her, without question.
The scariest part of all this is that I get it.
Hazel has been breathing down my neck since the auction.
She’s worried about Jade and misses her.
Jade is the closest thing she’s ever had to a best friend, and now she’s gone, but I can’t get her involved.
I can’t look my little sister in the eyes and tell her that Jade might never return.
It’s hard enough to think about that, even to myself.
I don’t know what I would do if that were the case.
To never see her smiling face, watch her sass Kratos, or put Rick in his place.
Never watch her flirt with Zan or go off on Spencer.
Never get to taste her lips or hold her close.
Never get to tell her how I feel.
I swerve off the freeway, almost missing my exit as my thoughts get the best of me. I need to get it together and find a better way to help them.
I’ve never been in love before, but I understand their need to find her—the pressure to bring her home by any means necessary.
I get it because I’m pretty sure I love her, too.