Chapter 24 Sitting with Ghosts
Sitting with Ghosts
I arrive at the inn late at night, no more sure of a solution to my personal situation than when I left the estate in Oht.
Nico translocated to Panah City a week ago, and although we parted with affection, there was a heaviness to the farewell that still weighs on my mind.
It took several days to arrange for my trip north, and the trip itself took three days on horseback since I was stubborn and declined to use the translocation circle.
I’m not ready to face Stefano’s questions or Nico’s continued disappointment.
I’d also hoped to use the extra time to come up with an answer to the problem, but that didn’t happen. None of it has improved my mood.
My horse walks through the inn yard, and I dismount slowly, my body protesting the movement.
After three days on the road, all I want is a bath, a warm fire, and a relatively comfortable bed.
The stable boy tries to mask a yawn as he hurries over to take my horse’s reins.
I hand them over and stroke the gelding’s neck.
“Please take good care of him. We had a long ride. And if he’s in good shape when I leave, I’ll give you another of these. ” I place a silver into his palm.
The boy stares at it, wide-eyed, then nods.
“I will take great care of him. I swear. None of the other boys will get near him.” I’m not sure if that’s meant in a possessive way or as a commentary on how the other boys take care of the horses.
He walks the golden bay into the stable, and I throw my saddlebags over my shoulder, pulling my hood lower over my face before crossing the yard and entering the inn.
The taproom is mostly empty at this hour, though there are a few stragglers.
I weave my way through the tables and head for the bar.
Each time I return here, the place is a bit more run down.
It needs a new coat of paint, and the tables and chairs are nicked and worn, but it’s clean.
And the clientele mind their own business.
They respect privacy and expect it in return.
It’s why Kas and I chose it. It’s why I still come back.
I lean against the bar to get the innkeeper’s attention, only pulling my hood back enough for him to see it’s me without revealing myself to the other patrons.
He digs under the bar and hands me the key to my usual room and a bottle of Mardira Red.
I raise my hand in thanks, head through the archway to the rear of the inn, and wearily climb the stairs.
It’s familiar, like coming home after years away.
The lock on the door is still rusting, and the latch gets stuck mid-turn as usual.
I press down on the old metal key and wiggle it back and forth, grinning as I hear the click of the tumbler.
The door swings open, and I barely make it a few steps in before I’m overwhelmed with the scent of smoke and soapwort.
It’s intensely familiar, and the memories hit me hard, stealing my breath.
Kas’s teasing laughter, the mischievous sparkle in his vibrant blue eyes, his welcoming arms reaching for me.
I drop my pack to the floor and steady myself against the wall.
Guilt twists my gut. Six years since his death.
Six years, and I still haven’t avenged him.
Some of those involved are dead, but not enough of them.
Not nearly enough. And instead of focusing on that, I hid on Earth for five of those years and then hid here with Nico, in his luxurious home in Oht.
“Fuck. Kas, I’m sorry. I’ve failed you.” I’ve failed Nico too. They both deserve so much better.
For the first time, I wonder if I can complete this self-imposed mission alone.
Kas was always there beside me, his blades with mine, focused on a shared target.
Now there’s only me and so many people to address.
Maybe too many. What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough?
If I don’t finish this, I won’t be safe in Panah City—or anywhere the guilds are.
Not even Kenji will be able to help me. And that means if Nico stays with me, he’ll be in danger too.
I sit down hard on the edge of the bed and try to catch my breath.
With shaky hands, I grab the wine bottle, pull the cork, and take a swig, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
The tart, heavy liquid does nothing to ground me.
Neither do the deep breaths I take. I glance around the bare-bones, rundown room.
It’s a far cry from the luxury I’ve been living in for the last year.
Self-contempt hits me hard. I’m a mess. My thoughts are everywhere, and guilt gnaws at my guts.
I’ve done nothing right for Kas or Nico.
A small portion of my brain recognizes that I’m tired and upset. But I can’t stop my spiral.
I unsheathe one of my daggers, judging its sharpness with the pad of my thumb.
As though watching someone else, I remove my cloak and shirt, then slowly drag the blade across my bicep, the honed onyx easily slicing into me.
A thin red line appears, welling up with each beat of my heart.
The now dull thud of pain allows me to slip into a calm state, quieting my mind and clearing my thoughts.
From a young age, we were taught to use pain as a focusing tool, so falling back on the technique now is easy.
And a relief, when it works. Bit by bit, I push everything unrelated to my mission out of my mind until vengeance is the only thing that remains.
I exhale and shove to my feet. The exertion makes my arm throb, but it grounds me.
“I’ll finish this, Kas. I swear to you. We will have our revenge. ” And then Nico will be safe too.
Welcoming the familiar single-mindedness of a mission, I find I’m finally able to formulate a plan.
First, I need to complete the job Kenji sent me here to do—eliminating the spy hiding within the Segnature Coven.
Then I’ll turn my attention to the remaining targets on my list: Leonardo Santorini, and Guild Masters Keller and Rostova.
Unfortunately, there are too many political and personal strings attached to eliminate Lorenzo Medina, and I’m in no position to take on the whole government.
Yet. But neutralizing his internal network will destroy his personal empire.
Political and social death are worse than physical death to someone like Lorenzo.
Once those on my list are eliminated, Kas will be avenged, House Vitorio will be destroyed, Lorenzo’s bid for the chancellorship will be over, and Nico will be safe.
Or as safe as he can be. Then, and only then, we can plan a future together.