16. Seth
Seth stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, trying—and failing—to give himself a pep talk. He was supposed to be brushing his teeth but his brain had decided his time would be better spent by getting sucked into a shame spiral…just for fun. He stared at his reflection, his toothbrush hanging from his mouth. They were going to be so late and it was all his fault. Could one be late for a funeral? It seemed in poor taste to show up in the middle. But this wasn’t a funeral; it was a memorial.
Seth didn’t really know the difference. He took the toothbrush out of his mouth and set it in the holder with a sigh. He hated his brain sometimes.
At least he and Saint had showered earlier. It was one less thing to stress about. And his brain was letting him know there were plenty of things Seth could stress about. What to wear. How to act. How to talk. What would the pack do if Deke’s family started a fight?
He smoothed his hands over his shirt, then grimaced at his reflection. It was the nicest thing he owned, but that wasn’t saying much. He’d donned jeans and a black button down that made him feel like a waiter at the fancy French restaurant across from their old apartment building. Deke had said people wouldn’t dress up for his father’s memorial—that his father wouldn’t like that kind of thing. He would have thought it was too fruity or something equally offensive.
Seth took some deep cleansing breaths as he listened to Saint talking to Loch at their bedroom door; he was likely borrowing a shirt to wear. Saint’s wardrobe could be divided into three categories: clothes he’d had since high school, clothes he’d worn in the military, and—his most recent category—Costco clearance table chic.
Saint’s wardrobe was utilitarian to say the least. It had taken Seth far too long to realize his alpha wasn’t wearing the same outfit three times a week but rather a different, identical shirt to the ones he’d worn the previous days. Saint was many things, but a fashionista wasn’t one of them. But that was okay. What he lacked in fashion, he made up for by dealing with Seth’s crazy.
Like now.
Seth wasn’t trying to make this about himself. He really wasn’t. But he hated funerals. He knew how that sounded. Didn’t everybody hate funerals? And if they didn’t, yikes. But when he said he hated them, he meant that he had a visceral reaction to them. Cold sweats, nausea, tunnel vision. He’d only been to one other funeral in his life and it was burned into his brain like a horror movie.
This isn’t about you.
This isn’t about you.
This isn’t about you.
This was about Deke and his dead dad.
Seth closed his eyes, trying to breathe through the black hole opening in his stomach. A heavy feeling settled around him once more, a voice whispering in his ear that he was a burden to the pack. That they’d only taken him because of San and Fenny, that he was a bad omega, that he couldn’t even get pregnant.
Logically, Seth knew it wasn’t true. He did. But it was hard to remember that when he was drowning in self-hatred. It was weird to feel so excluded while people tried so hard to do the opposite—to make him feel included. He had no reason to feel like he did. The pack accepted him as he was. Saint accepted him as he was. He somehow looked at every one of Seth’s flaws and saw something beautiful.
And that only made it worse.
Seth rarely felt worthy. Then he felt guilty for not feeling worthy. Because people in the real world had real problems. Seth was living in a literal mansion with his best friends and his hot, horny mate, having more sex than he’d ever imagined possible. People would kill for Seth’s problems.
But he just wanted to do more for them, to be more, to help more. He’d spent his whole life content with being mediocre. Average looks, average grades, average personality. He’d only had friends because San had adopted him as his introverted friend. The other guys hadn’t liked Seth but they tolerated him with the hopes of scoring San when he finally became an omega.
Seth only had one superpower and it was languages, but that was zero benefit to the pack. Like, at all. Fenny was the computer genius, Loch was the leader, Ollie was the planner, Saint and Binnie had combat skills. Deke was some super alpha. And San was…San. And that was enough.
Seth sucked in a breath as arms came around him from behind, and he immediately leaned back into Saint’s reassuring weight with a soft sigh. What was wrong with him? Why was he complaining? He had an amazing life, even if people kept trying to extinguish it.
Slightly chapped lips brushed his mating mark. “What’s wrong, little one? I can smell your distress from a mile away.”
Seth shook his head. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
Saint’s snort caused Seth to open his eyes and shoot him a hurt look in their reflection. When he started to pout, Saint smiled at him. Not that smug, dirty smile he used when he was trying to be sexy, but the genuine one, the borderline goofy one that made Seth’s heart melt into a puddle.
“I know you well enough to know that anytime you tell me you’re fine, it means you’re absolutely not fine. Talk to me.”
“It’s stupid,” Seth mumbled. “And selfish. Deke needs us right now. I don’t have time to spiral. We need to leave soon. We’re going to be late as it is.”
Saint turned Seth to face him, then crowded him up against the vanity and plopped him on top of it, almost toppling him into the sink. Seth yelped, scrabbling to grip Saint’s shoulders. His bare shoulders. The omega let his eyes peruse his mate’s chest and washboard abs for a few moments. Maybe they could just stay home and?—
“Hey, my eyes are up here,” Saint teased.
Seth flattened his palms against Saint’s torso, biting his bottom lip as he allowed his fingers to follow the lines and dips of his body. “Mm, but your abs are down here…along with my other favorite part,” Seth admitted, tucking his fingertips into Saint’s sweatpants and tugging him forward so he could feel his mate’s crotch tucked against his own.
“Don’t start something I don’t have time to finish,” Saint murmured, even as he leaned in for a lazy kiss. Seth sucked on his tongue, then bit down on his bottom lip, before pulling back. “Didn’t you get enough in the shower?”
Seth pouted. “Do I ever? Besides, you didn’t even have a chance to fuck me before we got the news about Deke’s dad and had to finish up.”
“Needy baby,” Saint said with a smile. “I’ll take care of you once we’re home.”
Warmth pooled in Seth’s belly at the promise. “Yeah?”
“Have I ever lied to you before?” he teased.
Seth melted into him, drawing him into a much deeper kiss before Saint put a firm hand on his chest and pushed him away.
“I know what you’re doing,” Saint said.
Seth huffed. “Trying to make out with my mate?”
“Trying to distract me with those big doe eyes and that pouty little face. It’s not going to work.”
Seth batted his lashes as his hands once more skimmed the planes of Saint’s abs then dipped below his waistband. “No?”
“No,” Saint said, grabbing Seth by the wrists and pinning them behind his back.
Seth was undeterred, pitching forward as much as he could to suck a hickey into Saint’s neck right over his mating mark.
“I can’t believe you think you’re selfish,” Saint said, tilting his head to give Seth more access. He loved when Seth marked him up. “You’re the most unselfish person I know. To a fault. First, with Ollie and now, with Deke. You can still be a good friend and hold space for your own feelings. You’re allowed to care about you, too.”
Tears pricked Seth’s eyes, his chest tightening. “You sound like a therapist,” he said, words thick.
“Binnie’s been making me read books on PTSD,” Saint admitted.
Pain lanced through Seth at his words. Right. Because Saint had actual problems. He’d been through so much. Binnie, Ollie, Loch…they all had demons that they’d never escape, things they did for Cerberus that would haunt them forever. Seth had none of that. He’d had a crazy mother and a mean grandmother but that was hardly the same thing.
“That’s just it,” Seth said. “You have every right to be mad or sad or crazy. You’ve gone through so much shit. I’m just…feeling sorry for myself.”
Saint buried his face in Seth’s neck, teeth dragging over his scent gland until Seth whined. “Feeling sorry for yourself or feeling insecure?”
“Does it matter?”
“Do you remember what you said to me that first night…the night we made out on the couch for like an hour?” Saint asked.
Seth flushed. “I said a lot of things,” he muttered. “Embarrassing things.”
“You said that if I was your mate, I’d have to be okay with convincing you every single day that I want to be here and that I want to be with you.”
Jesus. Why was Seth so good at embarrassing himself? “Oh, that.”
Saint smiled against his neck. “Yeah, that. So, this is me, reminding you that I choose you. All of you. Every day. I’m pretty sure I need you more than air at this point.”
“So dramatic,” Seth managed, heart swelling in his chest.
“Not being dramatic. Being real. If you disappeared, it would be the end of me. I had no real reason to stay alive before I met you. I just always felt like I was waiting for…something. And I was. I was waiting for you. And now, I have you.”
Seth wanted a hole to open up in the ground and swallow him up. He didn’t deserve this. “Stop…”
Saint pulled back, tipping Seth’s chin up. “Why?”
“You don’t have to…placate me. I’m just sitting here being selfish and insecure.”
Saint’s jaw thrust forward, his eyes narrowing. “You know, every time you say those things about yourself, it’s not your voice I hear. Who made you feel like your feelings don’t matter?”
Seth shook his head. It was all so stupid and trivial. Hardly worth the constant static it caused in his head.
Saint raised a brow, giving him that look that was supposed to be intimidating but, really, just made Seth leak all over his clean underwear. “Tell me. I’ll alpha voice you if I have to. I don’t care if it makes me a bad guy.”
As if Saint could ever be a bad guy. But once Seth said it out loud, it was going to be out there, just existing in the world. It was better to keep it all in the chamber of self-loathing and inattention that was his brain. But Saint continued to study his face and Seth knew he wouldn’t let it go until he cracked.
“My grandmother,” Seth whispered.
“Your grandmother said you were selfish?”
Seth nodded. “She said my selfishness was the reason my mom…did what she did.” Seth shook his head, letting his eyes fall shut again.
“Did what she did?” Saint repeated. Seth nodded. “What does that mean, baby?”
“She accidentally took too much of one of her meds. My grandmother insisted it was on purpose. That it wouldn’t have happened if I had taken better care of her.”
Saint scoffed. “Wow. Your grandmother sounds like a real cunt.”
Seth’s startled gaze found his, a surprised laugh leaving him. “What?”
“You heard me. You were a kid. Your mom was an adult. If your grandmother was so concerned, why wasn’t she taking care of your mom?”
Seth sighed. “Because she was back in Russia. It’s not her fault she felt the way she did. My mom was always on the phone with her, telling her that I was too busy to help her, that I was always with my friends. Spoiler alert. I only had one friend. San. And we were at the house more than we weren’t. But she didn’t want help, she wanted people to feel sorry for her.”
“She was sick?”
“She was…sick, but it wasn’t physical. It was mental. When she first left my abusive asshole father, she really did need help getting on her feet. But then, once she had to cope alone, she started getting…weird.”
“Weird?”
Seth nodded. “She needed to be the center of attention. At first, she was just a hypochondriac, searching up her ‘symptoms’ on Google then telling people she had whatever fatal disease the internet threw at her. When people started to catch on, things got really bad.”
“How so?”
“She started making herself sick on purpose. At first, it was little things, like taking a bit too much of her medication, deliberately eating foods she was allergic to. But, eventually, it got really bad.”
Saint’s frown was soothing somehow. “How bad, baby?”
“Ingesting cleaning products, pesticides, rat poison. Anything she could do to keep me there. She would tell me that it was my job to take care of her. That she risked her life to have me. When I refused to play her game anymore, she swallowed a handful of pills.”
Saint scoffed. “She killed herself.”
“Oh, she’s not dead,” Seth said. “Well, not in the way you mean. She is dead for all intents and purposes, but my grandmother won’t let them take her off life support.”
“Did your grandmother know she was making herself sick?”
Seth gave a helpless shrug. “I told her. I told everyone, including her doctors.”
“They didn’t believe you?”
“They didn’t care. And if they did start to care, she found new doctors. My grandmother said I was a rude, disrespectful child and that I was the reason my mother was like this.”
“No offense, but your family sounds awful. You are the sweetest, most thoughtful person I know.”
“You’ve been living in the desert alone for over a year. How many people could you know?”
Saint pinched his side. “Brat.” Strong hands circled his waist and squeezed. “I know you and Fenny met because he found out his brother died and you just went to him and gave him water and candy and let him move in with you and San.”
Seth blushed. “So?”
“I know that you desperately want a baby, but as soon as Ollie got pregnant, you just put your feelings aside and turned all your attention to him. And even now, I can tell going to this memorial is upsetting you, but you’re in here, getting dressed, giving yourself a pep talk, all for Deke. So, don’t tell me you’re selfish because I’ll never believe that.”
“Isn’t it selfish being a member of the pack when you don’t even have anything to contribute?”
“Contribute how? You work in a high-stress field. You do your chores. You support your pack. You’re an excellent mate.”
Seth knew he was being annoying, but he just couldn’t stop himself. “But everyone else has skills that can help Fen get his revenge. I’m just…here.”
“Tell me how San’s art is going to help us get revenge for Josh?”
Seth sighed. “It’s not, but San is beautiful and an alpha.”
“And you’re beautiful and an omega?”
“Irrelevant.”
Saint’s lips twitched in amusement. “Deke?”
“Um, the all-powerful alpha of alphas who changes people’s genders? That Deke?”
“Me?”
“What do you mean? You have like…military training. Combat skills.”
“I’m a demolition expert. Do you see anything for me to blow up?”
“It’s different.”
“It’s not. It’s just your grandmother’s voice in your head whispering lies. You don’t have to justify your right to exist in the pack. We all want you here because we love you, not for what we can get from you.”
All at once, Seth cracked, sobbing. “I know…I know but I can’t help but feel…inadequate. I’m not a good pack member. I’m not a good mate. If I was, I wouldn’t be so…”
“So what, little one?”
“Jealous,” Seth wailed. “I…I really wanted a baby,” he wailed.
Saint sighed, pulling him into a hug. “There it is,” he said softly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he managed between chest heaving sobs.
“It means, I was waiting for you to be honest about the baby thing. We can still have a baby. Nobody in this pack is going to get upset about two babies…or three…or ten. Packs expand all the time. That’s how they survive. You don’t have to wait just because Ollie is pregnant.”
Seth could feel his tears soaking Saint’s shoulder but he couldn’t stop. “Having a baby—on purpose—with everything going on seems…”
“Selfish?” Saint asked, deadpan.
“Irresponsible. What if something happens to him…or her? All because I couldn’t wait until the danger passed to feed my own selfish need to be a parent.”
Saint pushed Seth away from him and chucked him under the chin until their eyes met. “I need you to hear me when I say this. We’ll never put our kids in danger. Every person in this house is ready to sacrifice themselves to make sure Ollie’s baby is safe. It would be like that for our kids, Fen’s kids…every child born into this pack will be protected.”
Seth just cried harder. Why was Saint so sweet? Why was Seth such a mess? “I don’t know why I’m like this.”
“I expected this breakdown much sooner, if I’m being honest. You brushed off your negative pregnancy test much too quickly. It was only a matter of time.”
Seth sniffled, then wiped at his wet eyes with the back of his hand. “We should go. We’re going to be late.”
“We don’t have to go,” Saint said. “The six of them should be sufficient.”
“And what would we tell them?”
Saint’s responding grin was dirty. “That we need to stay home and practice getting you pregnant?”
Seth slapped his shoulder. “Not funny.”
Saint shrugged. “It’s a little funny.”
“No. Deke needs all of us.”
Saint narrowed his gaze at his mate. “You just want to go and see what his brothers are like, huh?”
This time, it was Seth who gave a sheepish shrug. “Mostly, I am kind of hoping they’re mean to him and he accidentally turns all of them into omegas.”
Saints eyes went wide. “You’re diabolical. You know that?”
“I’m just saying…” Seth said.
“They don’t deserve to be omegas,” Saint said.
Seth nodded. “Okay, but in all seriousness…if they start shit with Deke?—”
“Oh, we’ll fucking finish it,” Saint promised.