21. Seth
“I don’t need a cuddle puddle. I’m fine,” Seth insisted as they led him into Fen’s room, sounding sulky even to himself.
San and Fen ignored him, dragging him down onto the large bed, sandwiching him between the two, both of them half-draped across him like a weighted blanket.
“It’s a cuddle puddle or a struggle snuggle. Either way, you’re ours for the foreseeable future, so get comfy,” San warned.
Seth huffed. This was so embarrassing. He really was the weakest link. So sensitive all the time. Making everyone bend over backwards for him and his feelings. Why couldn’t he just be normal and not so tender-hearted all the time?
“I can practically hear you abusing yourself in your head,” San said, earning a startled look from Seth.
How did he always know? Had they been friends so long that they were linked telepathically? Was it the pack bite? Did it make them more in tune with each other? If it did, it somehow skipped Seth because he felt like he never knew what was going on in anyone’s head. Ever. But maybe that was because he was so self-absorbed.
Seth dragged himself from his self-loathing when San gave him a knowing smirk, arching a brow, daring him to say it wasn’t true.
“You should mind your own business,” Seth muttered. “Both of you. So nosey.”
Fen and San both snorted, making Seth’s ears grow hot.
“Please, you practically had a glass to the door when Deke and Ollie went to bed together for the first time,” Fen reminded. “You always want to know everything about everyone, you little gossip.”
“Whatever,” Seth said, the heat in his ears traveling lower until he felt flush all the way to his chest. “I know you’re both about to try to make me talk about my feelings but I’m fine. I’m totally fine. I’m not as fragile as you all think I am.” Seth’s brain rattled in his skull, eyes crossing, as a sharp pain drew a gasp from him. It took him a minute to realize San had flicked his forehead. Hard. “What the fuck?”
San pointed a finger in his face. “Stop talking shit about my best friend. I hate that. You’re so mean to yourself all the time when you’re literally one of my favorite people in the whole world.”
Seth suddenly felt like there was an anvil on his chest, the weight of San’s words crushing his fragile shell to dust. San wasn’t the kind of person who gushed about other people or talked about his feelings. That was Seth.
“You’re allowed to have feelings,” Fen said. “You’re allowed to be upset about things.”
Seth blinked rapidly against the tears pricking his eyes, swallowing the lump of sand in his throat. He knew this was coming. The minute he’d slipped up during their pack meeting, he saw the two of them get all gooey-eyed. He opened his mouth to say he was fine. That there was nothing wrong, but instead, he all but wailed, “I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant.”
He slapped a hand over his mouth. Why had he said that? Why had he sounded so bewildered when he did say it? It was the truth, though. He hadn’t been trying to get pregnant so much as just allowing whatever happened to happen. But he could admit—to himself at least—that he had allowed himself to believe that it would happen. Circumstances being what they were at the time, it seemed impossible to think that it wasn’t the universe handing him everything he ever wanted.
Which just made him feel stupid now.
“It doesn’t mean you can’t be disappointed that you weren’t,” Fenny said, petting his hair like he was Wolf.
“I’m not disappointed…” Seth said thickly, leaving off the part he didn’t want to admit out loud. I’m resentful.
“Lie,” Fen said, catching his eye. “We can all smell how sad you are, no matter how you try to hide it. It’s impressive that you’re putting on a brave face, but it’s not necessary. Even Ollie understands why you’re upset about this.”
They didn’t know why he was upset about it. Seth wasn’t even sure he knew why he was upset about it.
“That just makes it worse,” Seth wailed, dread settling in his chest as he felt the dam threatening to burst. “I didn’t think I’d get pregnant the first time we did it. I’m not delusional. Saint wasn’t in rut; I’d just come off of suppressants. I really didn’t think it would happen right away,” he said again, quieter. He swallowed audibly, trying to pull it together as he admitted, “But I still thought it would be me first.”
“Oh, baby…” San said, snuggling even closer, pulling Seth head into his chest, cradling it against him.
“Don’t coddle me. I don’t deserve it,” Seth said, sniffling. “Ollie didn’t want to be pregnant. This has totally blindsided him. Being pregnant is dangerous for him in a hundred different ways. It’s childish to be jealous. It’s childish to think it’s not fair. I know that.”
Seth needed them to know that he knew he was being unreasonable. It was important to him that they see he didn’t want to feel like this. He hated always being the vulnerable one.
“But?” San prompted, his large hand splaying high on Seth’s thigh, just resting there.
“But nothing. I’m not mad at Ollie or anyone. I’m just…sad,” Seth finished lamely. “We don’t need to stage an intervention whenever I’m sad.”
If they did, nobody would ever accomplish anything.
“We’re a pack. We’re always going to worry about you,” Fenny said. “We’re always going to check on you. We’re always going to remind you that you’re entitled to your feelings.”
People kept saying that to him, but was that really true? It wasn’t Ollie’s fault he was pregnant. It wasn’t Seth’s fault he wasn’t. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just simple biology. Seth’s body had failed him, at least this time. Ollie probably felt the same way.
But maybe it was for the best. Maybe he was too immature and selfish to have a baby. He had to take a pill twice a day, every single day, just to focus on a single task. He was still useless at chores, forgot the simplest of requests, had piles of things he couldn’t bring himself to put away. What would happen when Seth went off those meds to have a baby? Then he’d really be annoying the others.
“What? What are you thinking? Your scent just went so sour,” Fen prompted.
Seth spoke directly into Fen’s chest. “It’s nothing. I’m just feeling sorry for myself,” he said, voice muffled.
“So what? Say it anyway. Say all the shit you need to say here where we won’t judge you. You’ll feel better if you just purge it all from your system. Sometimes, it’s even better than a good cry,” Fen said.
They weren’t going to let this go. They weren’t going to let him get away with just saying he was fine. But it felt like a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. If he ripped it off, he might start bleeding and never stop. But…what choice did he have, really?
He turned so he was flat on his back again, looking up at his two best friends in the world. “What if my body just knows I’m not good enough to have a baby?” Seth whispered.
The two of them stared down at him, studying him with narrowed eyes. San finally said, “What?”
Seth shrugged, his eyes hot as he tried to hold back his tears. “I’m too emotional. I’m unreasonable. I like being babied. I like attention. I’m lazy. I’m forgetful. My brain is…broken. What if I’m just not supposed to have kids? What if I just…forget about him or leave him somewhere because of my stupid brain?”
Silence descended between them for a taut fifteen seconds before it became clear they were both holding back laughter.
“Don’t laugh. It happens,” Seth cried. “People have left babies on buses, in cars, in malls…”
Fen rested his weight on his elbow, his fist propping his head up as he looked down at Seth. “We’re not laughing at the thought of you leaving your baby somewhere. Though, I think we all know that would never happen.”
“We’re laughing because the way you see yourself is so far off from how we see you,” San added, smoothing his hands through Seth’s hair. “The things going on in your head, that voice you hear, it’s not yours. It’s not ours either. You know whose it is.”
“Yeah, you’re one of the smartest people I know,” Fen said.
Seth scoffed. “You’re a hacker with a higher security clearance than the president.”
“Well, first of all, the president is an idiot and can’t be trusted with life or death information,” Fen countered. “Secondly, you’re an interpreter for the very same security agency. You’ve sat in on meetings with information so sensitive that it would be considered treason should it get out. Yet, you still see yourself as some selfish little kid.”
San nodded. “It’s true. You speak—what?—five languages?”
“Seven,” Seth muttered, knowing full well that San knew that.
“That’s insane. The only other language I speak is binary code,” Fen said wistfully. “And maybe just enough Spanish to get me drunk in Tijuana.”
“I don’t think government secrets and foreign languages really equate to stellar parenting,” Seth said, trying to make them understand his point.
Fen gripped his cheek in his hand, digging thumb and forefinger into his jaw to force him to look at him. “None of us are worried about your parenting skills. Saint certainly isn’t. He thinks the sun shines out of your ass. Possibly literally. He’s obsessed with you. He’s been obsessed with you since the second he laid eyes on you. He will be equally obsessed with your babies.”
“Babies?” Seth managed, voice strangled, eyes bulging. “As in plural?”
Fen loosened his grip on Seth’s face.
“You only want one?” San asked, his surprise evident in his inflection.
“No,” Seth finally admitted. “I don’t know how many more, but definitely more than one.”
Fen went back to combing his fingers through Seth’s hair. “If you go to Saint right now and tell him you want him to knock you up, he’ll stop his suppressants and go into rut. That would trigger your heat fast, especially with how little distance there was between your last two. With both of you cycled up, a positive pregnancy test is almost guaranteed.”
Seth shook his head, sniffling. “But that’s so selfish of me.”
“What?” Fen asked at the same time San said, “Why?”
“Ollie is already pregnant. People might want to hurt him…or Deke…or their baby. We’re in the middle of three separate mysteries. We’re basically one plotline away from becoming a telenovela. At this point, we have a dozen people we need to take down minimum and we’ve made no progress on any of it. It would be selfish to drag another hostage into the situation, no?”
He hated how hopeful his “no” sounded, like he wanted them to fight him on it.
“Is that what Saint thinks?” Fen asked.
“What? No. Of course not. Saint would knock me up tomorrow if that’s what I wanted.”
“And that’s not a good enough answer?” San asked.
Seth scoffed. “I love him. So much. More than anything. But the man spent a year alone in the desert just running and playing with a three-legged wolf. He chose—on purpose—to go into demolitions and bomb disposal. He told me during our very first conversation that he was going to claim me.”
“And?” San prompted.
“And he clearly makes insane choices,” Seth cried, exasperated.
“So, you don’t trust Saint to be the father of your kids?” San countered.
“What?” Seth gasped. “No, that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” Fen asked gently.
“I don’t know,” Seth wailed, eyes burning.
He didn’t even realize he was crying until Fen pulled the sleeve of his hoodie over his hand to dab at Seth’s cheeks.
“You do know,” Fen said softly. “You just don’t want to admit that Saint will give you a baby if you ask. Because if it doesn’t happen again, you’ll just be disappointed. Or because you think it’s selfish to have a baby right now.”
“Isn’t it?” Seth countered. “What if someone hurts the baby to get to us?”
“When?” San asked flatly, giving Seth a hard look that went straight to his dick.
“What do you mean when?” he asked, sniffling loudly.
“When would anyone have the opportunity to hurt the baby?” San asked again. “We live in a literal fortress. The baby will be with me or Saint or Loch during the day while you’re at work. If you even want to keep working. Now that I’ve locked down one of the richest men in the country, we never lack for money. It’s not like we would need to drop the baby at daycare.”
“He’ll have to go to school eventually,” Seth said, grimacing at the pressure behind his eyes, knowing his nose would start running soon.
“A. That’s debatable. There are a million homeschool programs. 2. We live in DC. You work for the NSA. Binnie works in politics. Our pack has both money and influence. Binnie could get you into St. Alban’s without even breaking a sweat. Hell, he’s probably a legacy there. They’ve educated the president’s kids. You think they couldn’t keep our babies safe, too?”
“But Ollie is already having Deke’s super-baby. Shouldn’t we see how that might alter our lives before I’m pregnant, too? Two babies is a lot,” Seth said hesitantly.
“People have twins all the time. Triplets, even,” Fen said. “There have been people who popped out eight babies at once with only two parents and no pack support. Eight of us to two babies is nothing. If you want a baby, have a baby. Nobody in this house is going to be mad about another squishy baby to snuggle. And your babies would be so cute.”
Warmth flooded Seth’s insides at the thought. Their babies would be so cute. Especially if they looked like Saint. Lust clouded his thoughts for a moment as he pictured his mate, then a chubby-cheeked, dark-haired mini-version of him.
He’d been so good with Seth during his heat. What would Saint be like in rut? The man was already insatiable on any given day. If Seth was in heat, they’d be fucking day and night. They might set off the whole house.
He dragged himself from his thoughts before they got even more dirty, only then noting his friends were waiting for him to say something more.
“What about Ollie?” Seth asked.
“What about him?” Fen countered.
Seth felt something shrivel inside him. “Wouldn’t he be upset if I was pregnant, too? Like…stealing his thunder?”
“Ollie?” San said, then snorted. “Have you met him? He’s the most practical person I’ve ever met. He wasn’t trying to get pregnant. He didn’t even think he could get pregnant. He’s so freaked out about this whole situation that he might be grateful if you got knocked up, just to have someone to commiserate with. But if you’re so worried about upsetting him, you could just ask him. You know?”
“That sounds like an awkward conversation,” Seth said.
“Not as awkward as you stinking up the house every time the word ‘baby’ is said,” Fen said gently.
“Ollie already knows you’re upset. Everyone does. It’s not a secret,” San pointed out. Seth’s heart clenched, already halfway to another shame spiral. San poked his cheek. “And nobody’s upset about that either, you little freak. We love you.”
Seth’s tears were scalding, the skin on his face flushed, his nose running just a bit.
“Such a crybaby,” Fen said, wiping his tears again with a fond smile.
“You’re so mean,” Seth whispered.
San dipped his head, his laugh husky in Seth’s ear. “Yeah, but we both know how much you like being bullied, huh?”
Seth’s cock throbbed at San’s words. “I’m leaving.”
He tried to get up but he was no match for San’s alpha strength. When he gave a little whine, San growled low in his ear, making Seth squeeze his thighs together as slick soaked the fabric of his underwear.
“You can’t leave yet,” Fen said, his tone now husky and teasing as he lowered himself to tug on Seth’s earlobe with his teeth.
“Why?” Seth asked, breathless.
“Saint said he wanted us to play with you a little before we sent you back,” San said, kissing Seth’s jaw.
“Play with me?” Seth managed, breathing just a little faster, now fully hard.
“Mm,” Fenny crooned in his ear. “He said he wants you all loose and pliant for him, wants his baby all fucked out so he can just slip right inside your slutty little wet hole, let you hang off his knot, fill you up. We wouldn’t want to disappoint your alpha now, would we?”