27. Tucker
27
TUCKER
I t’s amazing how even the most basic, mundane things look better and brighter now that I know Maya will be waiting for me after class. I’ll take her home and I’ll hear her laughing with Mom in the kitchen, and everything will be all right in my world, at least for a little while. There won’t be any anger. There won’t be anything for me to do but live. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I can just live without the memories of my humiliation coming back to haunt me.
I don’t even like thinking about it now, but it is something I need to remember, no matter how I would rather forget. I’m still not completely sure Maya is into me because of me, myself, though every day we spend together brings us a little closer and makes me a little more hopeful. Hope. Since when do I hope?
Since when do I whistle to myself as I head out to the parking lot, for that matter? Since when do I do anything I’ve done lately? Eating lunch with her outside—the stupidest, simplest pleasure.
But the deeper pleasure is knowing how happy she is now. She might not want to accept it. She might be afraid to, which is something I can definitely understand. But every day that passes while she’s still safe and protected is a day she’s just a little happier. A little more secure. That’s all I want, for her to feel taken care of, to know she is not on her own anymore.
It seems like I’m slowly getting through a little at a time, but that only makes me want more. I’m greedy for her happiness, as fucked up as that is. I want to soak it up like a sponge. She is that important to me now. Mine to protect, mine to shelter. It’s almost like I finally figured out what I’m supposed to do with my life, and I’m not sure how to feel.
I sort of like the idea. The thing is, I think she does, too, even if she is afraid to admit it to herself yet.
“Hey! What’s the matter, the building catch fire?” I turn when I hear Briggs laughing behind me as he jogs to catch up. “What’s your hurry?” He laughs, as if he doesn’t have a clue.
I would probably resent the hell out of his laughter if I didn’t know he can understand how I feel. Now I know how Wren changed his life, because I’m going through the same thing with Maya. Shit, I used to think was so important not that long ago has ceased to matter. I can’t remember why it ever did.
“I don’t want to keep her waiting,” I explain, since class ran a few minutes late.
He falls in step beside me, rolling his eyes. “I’m sure she’ll be fine on her own for a minute. Jesus, thought I was protective.”
He doesn’t have as much of a reason to be protective, at least not anymore. His dad is still on the run somewhere, but there was a time when Wren feared for her life thanks to him.
Briggs must notice my scowl and see it for what it is, since he whines a little. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make a joke out of it.”
“It’s cool.” Glancing around, I ask, “Speaking of protective, where’s Wren? Aren’t you two attached at the hip most of the time?”
“You’re so fucking funny.” Scoffing, he explains, “She had to grab a book at the library that somebody else just returned, but she’ll catch up to me. You headed home?”
My head bobs while my eyes scan the parking lot. “Straight home.”
Elbowing me, he says, “You guys should come over tonight. We’ll order pizza or something.”
It’s a nice offer, and there was a time I would have gladly accepted. That was a time before I had something better to go home to. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy a night hanging out with Briggs, but the idea of spending time with him when I could spend it with Maya elsewhere makes me feel uncomfortable, like my skin is too tight or something. Unsettling, for sure, but I can’t ignore it.
And from the way he snickers, I think he understands. “Oh, fine,” he grumbles with a laugh before I can come up with an excuse. “Keep her all to yourself. But don’t come crying to me when Wren bitches you out for keeping her best friend away from her.”
“Thanks for the warning. I’ll keep it in mind.” It won’t always be this way—I know that. I’m not na?ve. But for right now, if I can arrange it for the two of us to be together alone, that’s what I want. Having her all to myself… it’s addictive. She’s addictive.
So addictive, my dick is twitching and thickening by the time I reach the truck. She’s still not here, and I can’t ignore the way my heart sinks a little when I don’t find her smiling face waiting. Maybe she got caught up after class—nobody around here is stupid or suicidal enough to fuck with her now that we’ve spent the past week practically attached to each other. They wouldn’t be that stupid, would they? I hate that I even have to think it, but the thought is definitely at the forefront of my mind as I take my phone from my pocket, prepared to ask her about the holdup.
At some point, she sent me a text, probably while I was bullshitting with Briggs. I feel a little more relaxed as I open it, ready to read about her running into Wren the way I ran into Briggs.
Nothing could have prepared me for the message that waits. My eyes dart over the words once, twice, but they don’t make sense. This can’t be happening. It has to be some kind of mistake.
Maya: Tucker, I am so sorry, but I can’t do this anymore. We both know what we have isn’t real, and there’s no future in it. That’s why I have decided to marry Clark after all. Forgive me, but I can’t keep up the charade any longer.
It might as well be written a foreign language. I’m that confused, stunned, unable to make any sense out of it. How can she do this? Things were so good… weren’t they? We sat and ate lunch together, and she didn’t give me a hint of what was going on in her head. No, it can’t be true. I won’t believe it.
I refuse to.
I don’t know if I’m trembling from shock or rage by the time my thumbs fly over the screen.
Me: You don’t get to do this. Not without talking it over with me first. Where are you? Why are you doing this?
I send a message but have to wonder if she’ll get back to me. She sounds like her mind is made up, but that can’t be possible! Did somebody say something? Did somebody threaten her? But who would now? We were over all of that… weren’t we? Or was I only telling myself that?
Just like I told myself she was as happy as I was. I convinced myself, because I didn’t want to believe anything else. And now here I am once again, feeling like a smacked ass because of her. Knowing I wasted my time, that she never had any intention of being with me.
Hot rage pumps its way through my system, compelling me to get in the truck and slam myself behind the wheel before jamming my foot on the gas. Fuck this. She wants to go? She wants to call this a charade? She can be my fucking guest. I’ve wasted enough of my time on her.
Never again. I should’ve listened to my fucking instincts from the beginning, but no, I had to convince myself she needed me. There I was, just a few minutes ago, getting off on the idea of protecting that ungrateful cunt. I’m almost blinded by the force of my rage, pounding the horn when some asshole decides to slow down before taking a turn in front of me. Wasting my time. I’ve wasted enough of it already. And I’ll never get it back, just like I’ll never get my fucking pride back. Because I handed it away, didn’t I? I handed it to her.
It’s a miracle I make it home alive, though it doesn’t seem so much like a miracle from where I’m standing as I almost burst into the house, ready to hurt something, ready to kill somebody. How dare she? That ungrateful bitch. Who the hell does she think she’s fucking with? I sat there smiling at her, trying to help her, wondering to myself about the cost of therapy and whether she can use it. Wanting her to be okay.
What a fucking waste. What a fucking joke I’ve turned myself into, all because of her. No matter how I warned myself, it wasn’t enough for me to be smart.
My feet carry me to Dad’s study without any conscious decision on my part. I’m going to explode. This is it—this is what will finally break me. His liquor cabinet is locked, but I know where he keeps the key, tucked inside one of the dozens of books lining his shelves. My hands shake with rage and make it a challenge to get the key into the lock, but I finally manage it and throw the doors open, grabbing for the scotch and uncapping it. The smooth liquid slides down my throat, and I savor the burn, gulping down more, punishing myself for my stupidity, my arrogance, for letting her use me. She made a fool of me.
Her face flashes in front of my mind’s eye, making me pull my arm back, snarling before I let the bottle fly. It crashes against the wall opposite where I’m standing, shattering loudly. Shards of glass rain down, and I smile grimly at the sight while my heart continues to pound almost painfully. How could she? How could I let it happen?
“What the hell is going on in here?” Dad comes to a stop outside the doorway, gaping in shock that quickly turns to anger when our eyes meet. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“She left me. She fucking left me!” A bitter laugh barks out of me. “I did everything for her! I protected her! I had her live here with us. And she still fucking turned her back on me. Wanna know the worst part?” I ask, grabbing my phone, thrusting it his way after pulling up the message. “She did it through text. I mean, if that’s not the ultimate fuck you, I don’t know what is!” By the time I finish, my chest is heaving, and I’m pretty sure my head is going to split open. Screaming at him doesn’t help anything. Nothing will.
At least he looks sympathetic as he skims the message—then frowns, glancing up from the phone. “And you’re sure this came from her?”
“It came from her phone.”
“But did she type it out? Because to be honest with you, this doesn’t sound like something a girl her age would write. Does it?” He hands it back to me and waits while I read over the contents. “It’s too formal. I’ve been listening to people your age have conversations for longer than I care to remember, and I’ve never heard them sound like this.”
Slowly, his words sink in. And he’s right, this doesn’t sound like Maya. Or is that only what I want to believe? “No, she got spooked, and she ran. That’s the only explanation that makes any sense.”
“Just the same, I think it would be a good idea to see her face-to-face and make sure there’s nothing wrong.” A shadow passes over his face before he adds, “I know I would sleep a lot better if I knew for sure, too.”
I’m too fucked up to know whether this is a good idea or not by the time I get in Dad’s car and strap myself into the passenger seat. I feel like I’m moving through Jell-O, barely able to put one foot in front of the other.
How could she? Then again, did she do anything? Is this all a trick? I want to believe it is. I want it with all of me, so much so I find myself willing it silently. Don’t let it be true. Whatever it is, we can get through it, so long as she’s still with me. I can’t let her go now. I refuse to. Not after everything we’ve shared. Not after everything she makes me feel and want. She can’t open my eyes to this new life, then walk away like it doesn’t matter.
Along the way, Dad places a call. “Dial Paul,” he barks after pulling up his phone on the car’s Bluetooth. He answers right away, and Dad briefly explains what we’re doing while we speed through town. “I’m going over to the house now,” he announces. “Something about this doesn’t add up.”
“I’m five minutes away from there,” Paul confirms. “I’ll meet you.”
Slowly but surely, dread starts to replace the rage pulsing through my body a little faster all the time. “Dad, do you think…”
“I’m not sure what to think yet,” he reminds me, before his foot presses a little harder on the gas pedal. “This is only a precaution.”
But what if he’s right? What if this is all her dad and not her? And there I was, wasting time when I could’ve been helping. I don’t know what to think. I only know nothing matters as much as getting there quickly—and hoping we’re not too late.
Paul pulls up the curb at almost the same time we do, and he looks pretty damn troubled when he meets us at the end of the driveway.
“And his is gone,” Paul concludes, his voice tight. He beats us to the front door, where he rings the bell once, twice, while I cup my hands around my eyes to peer through the window.
“It looks empty,” I confirm while my heart bangs harder than ever against my ribs.
“Exactly what did she say in that message—if it came from her in the first place?” Paul asks. I hand over the phone, my hand trembling, cursing myself for not having more faith in her. Now that I think about it, it’s obvious she wouldn’t type something like that. Like Dad said, it sounds too formal. Like a stranger wrote it.
“Clark? She’s talking about Clark Miller?” Paul looks back-and-forth between Dad and me while his eyes narrow and his face flushes. “Clark Miller is one of the partners in this whole Ponzi scheme. And Maya said she’s going to marry him?”
I don’t blame him for his disbelief, because I can’t believe it, either.
“Do you know where he lives?” I ask when what I really want to do is take him and shake him and make him tell me everything I need to know. She needs us, and it might be too late already. I don’t want to believe that, but too much time has passed. Anything could’ve happened.