30. Maya
30
MAYA
“ B ut really, I haven’t even felt like cutting in weeks. I mean, sometimes I think about it, but it’s not like there’s an urge anymore. I can’t, like, see myself doing it the way I used to. It almost feels like it was a different person who used to do that.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Dr. Pierce is kind, warm, patient. I think that’s what surprises me the most, even after a month of twice weekly appointments. I can tell her anything, literally. Every dark thing that ever happened, every hurt, every slight. And all she does is understand and accept.
She also provides a little insight. I know by now when she adjusts her glasses and taps her pen to her notepad, there’s something she wants to say. “Are there times when it’s a little more difficult to resist, though?”
“Sometimes,” I admit, and it’s not easy. I would much rather pretend everything is always simple, like all it took was a little therapy and a little understanding to cure me of everything that had its grip for so long.
And she knows that, her smile softening. “That’s good, the fact you can admit it. It’s a good sign.”
If only I felt so positive. “What, telling you how weak I still am?”
“We’ve discussed this before,” she reminds me. “Remember? There is nothing weak about any of this. You’re human. You were doing the best you could with what you were given. You protected yourself and helped yourself the only way you knew how, using the only tools you had at your disposal. Now, there are other tools, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be times when you fall back on those habits. Like a knee-jerk response. It doesn’t make you weak—if anything, the fact that you can admit it means you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
After giving me a minute to absorb this, she adds, “And by the way, I would be concerned if you swore up and down there has never been a time you considered cutting again. Such a deeply ingrained coping mechanism does not go away overnight. Have you ever known anyone starting into diet, for instance, who swears everything is easy, and they’re dropping weight like mad? What happens within a few weeks?”
“I see what you mean,” I muse. “Or, like, going to the gym every day.”
“Exactly. It might seem easy in the beginning, but there are always going to be challenges. It’s great, walking forward with confidence, but you need to have the techniques we’ve worked on in your back pocket to help you through the weak moments. Sudden surprises, losses, challenges. That’s when the impulse is going to come back stronger than ever.”
It’s actually interesting she would mention that, because there is a challenge coming up on the horizon. I haven’t wanted to pay too much attention to it or give it more weight than it deserves, but it’s always there, getting a little bigger every day. “Mom’s birthday is in a couple of weeks.” Saying the words out loud makes my throat go tight.
“I see. And how do you feel about that?”
How am I supposed to feel? How does she think I’d feel? How would she feel, for God’s sake? “It makes me miss her more than ever. And I feel…”
“Go on,” she prods gently. Now her face is blank, giving me no input whatsoever. I hate this part. I know she must be thinking something, but she refuses to show it.
“I feel more regret than ever on that day. The pain… it’s the worst on that day. Because she would be here if it wasn’t for…”
“If it wasn’t for the fact that she fell.”
I bob my head, staring down at the hands folded in my lap, clenched tight. “Right. If she was here, we could celebrate.”
“You can still celebrate, you know. You can listen to her favorite music, you can eat her favorite food. You can even have a little cake if you wanted to. You can sing Happy Birthday. This is how people cope with big, heavy losses. There’s nothing unusual about it.”
“It doesn’t bring her back,” I whisper as my hands blur. The tears in my eyes mean I can feel things again—that’s a good thing, really, even if it hurts.
“No, sadly,” she murmurs. “It doesn’t. But it brings her closer to you for a little while. And sometimes, that’s all we have to hold on to. That little bit of closeness we can still find. I would encourage you as you prepare for our next session to reflect on your memories with her. Good memories. What did she like best? How can you celebrate her in a positive, loving way?”
The question is on my mind as I leave her office, stepping into a warm, breezy afternoon. It always feels good to take a few deep breaths once I’m out of there, to tip my head back and let the sun warm my skin. Almost like I’m letting go of everything that’s weighed on me, all the stuff we talked about inside. Sort of like a reset.
And then I smile when I open my eyes and find Tucker waiting for me in the truck. He grins when I walk his way, lightening my heart. There are still times it’s hard to believe there’s somebody who is always so happy to see me. I have really been conditioned to believe I’m useless, nothing but a burden. I have Doctor Pierce to thank for helping me understand that.
I also have her to thank for understanding I did not kill my mom, which might be the greatest gift of all. And it’s thanks to Tucker, because I couldn’t afford any of this without him now that Dad is out of my life.
“Hey, beautiful.” He leans in for a kiss once I’m sitting next to him, the kind of kiss that lingers and makes me melt a little. “How did it go?”
I wish he would keep kissing me, but he has to drive the truck. “It went all right. I told her about Mom’s birthday coming up.”
“What did she have to say about it?”
“She thinks I should come up with ways to celebrate, but it feels sort of weird to me.”
“I don’t know,” he replies with a shrug. “I think it sounds like a good idea.”
That, I find hard to believe. “You do?”
“Sure. People do it all the time. We could go to dinner if you want—did she have a favorite restaurant?”
Just when I think I can’t love him more than I already do. Like it’s not enough he gave me a life—which is so much more than giving me my life back, since I didn’t really have a life in the first place. Everything I have is thanks to him, including my freedom. I don’t even want to think about what my life would be like now if he hadn’t come to rescue me.
“I have a little bit of a surprise for you,” he announces, and now I understand why his knee keeps bouncing. It’s adorable, really.
“Are we going back to Heaven?” I ask, making him chuckle.
“Not this time. But I like the way you think.” There’s a growl in his voice that makes me shiver in a nice way. “You’ll see when we get there.”
“Where are we going?”
“Patience,” he urges, laughing when I groan. “You know the more impatient you are, the longer I’m going to make you wait, right?”
“Yes, because you can be a real sadist sometimes.”
“Whatever you say.” It’s clear he’s very pleased with himself, just like it’s soon clear we’re going home. That’s where the surprise is, whatever it happens to be. Now I’m even more intrigued, wondering what we could be doing there that would be such a surprise.
Everything looks normal when we arrive, only deepening my interest once I’m out of the truck. Tucker’s face is unreadable except for the tiny grin he can’t hold back. “What is this?” I ask, but all he does is take me by the hand and lead me to the house.
The second I step inside, I hear them. “Surprise!” they shout, laughing at the way I stumble backward a few steps, completely shocked. Wren comes running, her arms extended, and by the time she throws them around me, my brain has caught up, and I understand—at least a little.
“We missed your birthday,” she explains, squeezing me. “So we’re having your party now!”
“A party for me?” It’s almost too much to believe, but her ecstatic smile and the presence of Briggs and Carter tells me it’s true. Even Tucker’s parents are waiting, both of them holding glasses of what looks like champagne.
“You deserve all of this and more,” Tucker murmurs in my ear while I fight back happy tears. Finally, I feel. Finally, I’m connected. I’m not afraid to show them how happy this makes me.
“Come on, let’s go to the kitchen,” Mrs. Kingsley invites, waiting for us to approach before giving me a hug that almost fills the hole that’s been in my heart ever since I lost Mom. “Happy belated birthday, sweetie.”
“Thank you so much. This is… I’m overwhelmed.”
“Think nothing of it,” Mr. Kingsley insists. I’m not used to seeing him dressed casually, the way he is on his day off, sipping champagne before offering a brief half-hug. “You deserve to be celebrated. Though if Tucker had had his way, he would have rented out an entire theme park for you, or at least a hotel ballroom.”
“What can I say? I enjoy grand gestures.” Tucker pulls me close for a second to whisper in my ear. “I didn’t know that about myself until I met you.”
I know what he means, because there is a lot about myself I wasn’t aware of until I met him. He has opened my eyes to a whole new life. When I’m with him, I can honestly believe there’s a chance to be happy—but more importantly, I’m starting to believe I deserve it. I’m not broken or evil. There’s nothing wrong with me. And with him beside me, I can grow and thrive in ways I never thought possible. I deserve it.
I even deserve the beautiful cake waiting in the kitchen, pink and white and already set with candles. There are balloons and streamers and even silly party hats which Wren makes me wear before putting on her own. “I need to get a picture of this,” Carter mutters, pulling out his phone. Wren rolls her eyes, but I can’t bring myself to do it. There have been much worse pictures of me circulated. Let everybody see how happy I am and how much people love me. I’ve gone so long without it.
Tucker’s mom lights the candles, and I step up in front of the cake wearing my silly hat and an even sillier smile. A real smile, the kind that comes straight from my heart. No more hiding, no faking it. I don’t need to do that anymore.
With Tucker by my side, and Wren standing on the other, everybody launches into Happy Birthday. I finally feel like there is a reason to celebrate. This couldn’t be more different than my actual birthday and all the terrible things that happened afterward, but that’s in the past now. This is my new beginning, my fresh start, and I’m not going to take it for granted. Not for a single second.
“Make a wish!” Wren urges while Tucker plants a gentle kiss on my cheek.
That’s the thing. I already have everything I ever dreamed of and can’t imagine wanting more. So that’s what I wish for, closing my eyes, taking a deep breath. More of this. And when I blow out the candles, hitting every one on the first breath, I already can’t wait to find out what’s coming next.
Because for once, there’s something to look forward to after so many years of running away from the past.