Chapter 42 #2
And now here we are, a solid few days into my denial that I did, in fact, quit my job with no degree or backup plan to fall back on.
I had zero direction for my next steps. What even gave me passion these days?
I felt like I was just going through the motions to avoid the grief I never addressed.
I had somewhat of a savings, and money left in the will for me to take at any time from my parents.
But, touching that money? That meant accepting what I didn’t want to.
I didn’t want to think of my parents as stuck in an ending of nothingness.
I didn’t believe there was an afterlife, and I sure as hell didn’t want to picture their bodies rotting in the dirt with worms eating their flesh.
I take a deep breath and flip the blankets off my body as I step out of the shockingly comfortable bed.
Nothing compares to the one at your own home, but this one comes pretty close.
I glance at the time and see that it’s later than I expected, with the clock reading 11:00 AM.
Yikes. I was really knocked out. I’m surprised none of the girls woke me up.
I’m just grateful they invited me on this escape in the first place.
I grab a pair of baggy black joggers and throw on a cropped crewneck that also sits loose on me.
I shove my feet into my cow slippers on the side of the bed and make my way to the kitchen.
I glance down both ends of the hallway, not seeing or hearing anyone.
Where is everyone? The mansion we all rented is pretty beautiful when you take a moment to observe it.
I’m still shocked it was affordable for this mini getaway.
When we first heard about the snowstorm extending our trip due to the roads not being cleared for another few days, it was a mixture of excitement and frustration.
I was more on the side of excitement compared to a few of the others who desperately wanted to get back home.
I climb down the stairs and glance out the stained glass windows.
The snow is still coming down heavily. I sigh and continue to make my way into the kitchen, craving a hot black cup of coffee and some food, when I hear a slight noise behind me.
I halt my steps and look backwards to see the hallway light flicker slightly.
Old house, I think as I shake my head and walk over to the coffee maker.
I busy myself as the coffee brews, looking in the fridge for something quick but filling.
I sigh, not finding anything that piques my interest. I settle on some grapes and a protein bar.
I step into the connecting dining room and pull out a seat, sitting down and leaning back in the old wooden chair.
It creaks slightly at my weight as I kick up my feet onto the edge of the table.
I pop a grape into my mouth. The wallpaper is dated with greenish trim throughout this room, similar to the one in my bedroom, but less gaudy.
Pieces of wooden decor break up the jarring and outdated designs, adding to the slight unease that this house radiates.
It felt like the walls had seen more things than all of us here combined.
Maybe that’s what makes this place beautiful in the first place.
The second I walked through the doors, my stomach somersaulted and my skin prickled in goosebumps.
I wrote it off once again as an old house, especially since it’s in the middle of winter in Maine—it’s brick here.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and press call to FaceTime my friend Grace.
It rings for a few minutes before she answers.
Her bright blue eyes are perfectly lined with sharp wings, framed by circular wire glasses.
Her hair is perfectly tied into a big bun, while her micro bangs sit perfectly on her forehead.
She starts immediately shaking her head at me.
I smile at the familiarity of her face and prop the phone on the table.
“How long have you even been awake, Bea?” she asks as she also props the phone up. Soft music plays in the background. I smile at the sound, knowing it is coming from her record player—her prized possession.
I yawn and giggle softly, “I just woke up.”
She shakes her head and starts to draw in her notebook. “Why does that not surprise me?” She chuckles as I grin.
“It was a fun night last night.” I waggle my brows at her playfully.
She looks up at the camera and gives me a slight squint of her eyes as she retorts, “Do you remember any of it?”
“Ha, ha. Very funny, Grace.”
She holds my gaze with intensity, and I sigh as I pop another grape in my mouth. “Whatever,” I snap back, and she smiles as she returns to drawing, satisfied with my reaction.
“I know you’re going through a lot right now, but I’m just worried about you, Bea.
You know I’m the last person to tell you to stop partying it up, but I think you might be trying to hide behind the temporary release.
I care about you.” She maintains her focus on her notebook as she smudges something with her thumb. I frown slightly.
I didn’t think I was partying that hard. I was just trying to have fun, especially since I didn’t have any responsibilities right now. Sure, maybe it helped stop the void that threatened to drown me some days. That was just an added perk to the fun.
“I know, Grace. I appreciate you. I’m okay, I promise.”
She hums to herself, and I find myself sitting here snacking as we FaceTime in silence, both quietly observing one another. Grace has never had an issue having me sit in my own discomfort. I’m sure she’s doing that now to see if I will open up… even just a little bit. I bite my tongue.
I finish my makeshift breakfast and realize I forgot about my coffee.
“One second, Grace. I’m just going to grab a cup of coffee.”
She hums in response again as I leave my phone on the table and head back into the kitchen. I pour the cooled coffee into a mug and take a sip. I close my eyes in joy as the caffeine hits my taste buds. Perfect.
I make my way back to the dining room and sit down when I notice that Grace’s eyes are wide in fear.
“I swear to god I saw something in that hallway, Bea.”
Slowly glancing over my shoulder with my brows pinched, I see nothing other than the occasional flick of the light. I look back at Grace and shake my head.
“It was probably one of the other girls.”
She stares off behind me and noncommittally nods her head in agreement before going back to her drawing.
“Where is everyone, anyway?” she asks.
I glance up at the time and look around again, and shrug. “I’m not sure. Everyone is probably sleeping in or curled up in their beds, watching TV. We all had a little too much fun with the card games and shots.”
She smiles. “Let me guess, you won?”
I grin brightly. “You bet your ass I did.”
Grace starts giggling, and I smile as I observe her joy radiate through the camera. She’s beautiful. I blush at the thought and take a sip of my coffee again as we start chatting about our winter plans.
Grace insists she wants to work on different compositions, to focus on her music while she’s out of classes, but easily agrees after some playful banter to meet up with me to get lunch when I’m back.
She continues the conversation, talking about her courses next semester at college, and my heart pinches at the missed opportunity.
I fake a smile and nod along to her excitement.
I’m happy for her, I really am. Part of me wishes I had followed her to college across the United States; it probably would have been the perfect escape. I would’ve been with her.
I’m not sure where Grace stands with her love life, but I’ve never seen her date anyone.
I’ve had all this time to shoot my shot.
Unfortunately, I’m too scared to love someone again.
But that doesn’t stop the permanent crush I’ve developed on her.
I continue to observe her as she talks excitedly.
Something about her has always been relaxed, poised, and loyal.
It has just felt right whenever we’ve hung out.
But, with her at college, I rarely see her anymore except during winter and summer break.
I find myself craving any opportunity to hang out with her, and I think that she is oblivious to the hidden reason.
Either way, I’m just grateful to have her in my life in whatever way she deems is best for her.
One day I’ll tell her. But not today. As I say, tomorrow’s problem.
I take a deep breath when she finishes talking about her goals next term and explain that I’m going to crawl back into bed and rest off the lingering hangover I still feel.
I feel fine, but I just need to be alone.
She frowns in concern, but understands. We say our goodbyes as I watch her lean forward and end the call.
I frown to myself as I think about what could have been if I hadn’t let my grief stop the future that I could have had.