103. Violette
VIOLETTE
The syriths watching us don’t bother with discretion, which makes them that much harder for me to ignore. It’s like they want me to approach them.
Levi’s question lingers in my mind.
Am I related to them?
The possibility makes me that much more resistant to speaking with them as an imaginary conversation that will never occur unceremoniously traipses through my mind, inspiring more anxiety.
How is your mother?
Dead.
What have you done with your life?
Became a whore.
I want to vomit just thinking about it.
When we reach a clearing where we could potentially stop to rest for the night, several large, dead birds are bound together by their feet and hanging upside down from a low branch. A large bundle of supplies, and what might be a tent, are rolled up beneath it.
They’re helping us.
Not that I deserve it.
Azrael and Levi scan the vicinity in the dim twilight as I stare at their gift, guilt winding through me.
Standing beside me, Azrael gives a thoughtful hum. “How very generous..."
My reply is nothing short of glib. “Indeed.”
“Do you think it’s cheating? Will it affect our vow?”
I’m too exhausted and anxious to tack on yet another thing to fear. “We’ve already survived for nearly three days alone in the wilderness. I don’t see why it would.”
My two males arch concerned brows at me. When I don’t respond, they don’t push, thankfully. Levi, holding the bundle of furs, bows in their direction, a gesture of gratitude, before he and Azrael begin to unroll what is indeed a tent, blankets, and even furry pillows.
I repeat the gesture, feeling grossly undeserving as the sudden desperate need to flee these woods suffuses me. Frustration burns with surprising heat in my chest, and I have to swallow back the emotion to prevent my eyes from burning as I move to help set up camp.
Exhaustion, not merely physical, weighs upon me like an anvil as I finally lie down on our palette of furs.
With no small amount of concern, Azrael’s eyes search my face as he crawls beneath the blanket. “Want to tell me what’s burning you up inside, little seraphim?”
Levi, propped up on one arm beside me, caresses my hair back from my face.
His touch, combined with Azrael’s care, has the tension bleeding from my body.
I heave a sigh, feeling emotion—the ever-present undercurrent always ready to burst beyond the dam of my chilly facade—swell too fast. “Just a mild identity crisis with a side of guilt and shame. Nothing important.”
Azrael gives a sad chuckle. “My darling, you are far too hard on yourself. Who is it exactly that you think you should be?”
I shake my head a little helplessly. “I don’t know...
Someone who’s done something important. Like building a successful business.
Created some change in the world. Something to make this abysmal realm a little less excruciating.
Not hidden in a brothel or the woods for the entirety of my adult life. ”
Azrael gives me a patient look as he strokes my cheek with the backs of his fingers. “And tell me, when exactly, amidst all your efforts in trying to survive—did you have time to build an empire? Hm? And with what resources?”
My frown deepens. I have no rebuttal.
“Did you even give yourself a chance to heal from everything you’ve been through before starting your match-making business?”
Silence is the only answer I can give.
Levi leans in, pressing a kiss to my forehead.
“You can’t expect a tree to bear fruit if all you’ve done is starve it, princess.”
Tears burn my eyes.
Akash almighty.
A knot in my chest seems to burst at the realization.
As if merely becoming aware of it has diminished its hold on me—the innate shame I’ve been carrying with me since I was a child because of a father who didn’t love me, or my mother.
A sensation that only continued to grow in the face of every significant relationship or circumstance I’ve ever had—Lucen, brothel clients, my work...
All of it only affirmed my reasons to be ashamed, because I subconsciously believed it was all that I deserved.
Even if intellectually and consciously, I’d hoped and prayed for something better.
Now I have two males who treat me like something precious. Something worth more to them than any amount of money.
Grabbing Azrael’s arm, I tug him close to curl around my body as I tuck myself against Levi’s chest.
I feel like the tiny bean to their protective pod.
I silently weep as they tighten their hold around me and press lingering kisses to my head before I hear the soft smack of their lips meeting briefly. Even as I mourn my younger self, I am filled with more love and gratitude than I’ve ever known because, for the first time in my life...
I feel like I’m healing.