CHAPTER TWO
When I wake up the next morning, I feel groggy and sore from being draped crookedly across my bed.
Being what most would consider taller than the average woman isn’t something to be admired, my arms and legs tend to ache if I don’t take care in how I sleep.
I hear noises coming from downstairs and it irritates me. Any hope of going back to sleep is lost as Shiloh and the au pair talk in excited voices for what today could hold.
It’s the au pair’s day off, so I’ll be taking Shiloh to the carnival that’s visiting town. She’s been begging me to go. Maybe it’ll give me time to discuss our little problem together.
This problem isn’t going to solve itself, and Shiloh needs to come to the party. She’s ten years old, for crying out loud.
I slide out of bed and pad across the hall to relieve myself and brush my teeth. I set the toothbrush down with its cover on the bristle side face up. Everything should be just so.
I go back to the room and take out what I’m wearing for the day. I need to be comfortable because we’ll do a lot of walking, so sweatpants and a T-shirt, and socks with trainers. I get dressed and fold my sleeping clothes into a neat pile and go place them in the hamper.
I make my way towards the kitchen as I hear Shiloh and the au pair singing little limericks. I plaster on a smile as I walk in.
“Good morning, Kerri, Shiloh.” I lean over and place a soft kiss on Shiloh’s head.
“Good morning, Mommy,” Shiloh says with a big smile. “Are we going to the carnival today?”
“Good morning, Esther,” Kerri says politely.
“Yes, we’re going to the carnival today. I promised I would take you,” I say, going to start the coffee machine as I notice Kerri hasn’t put it on yet. I take down a mug from where they are neatly stacked, and put it beside the coffee machine–straight, with the handle facing out.
I add sugar and creamer and then once the coffee is made; I fill it to just below the brim. I stir the delicious brew and rinse the spoon off before placing it in the dishwasher.
“Would you like some breakfast?” Kerri asks. “I’m making bacon and eggs.”
“That will be nice, thank you.”
Oh, how long will I have to keep this charade up? How long until Shiloh fulfills her destiny? How long until she’s a good girl?
I sit at the table with Shiloh, who is waiting for her breakfast as well. Kerri brings over two plates and sets them down. “If that’s all you need me for, I’ll be going.”
“Thank you, Kerri, that’s all.” I say.
Picking up my knife and fork, Istart to cut into the bacon. Kerri has already cut up Shiloh’s breakfast for her. She’s a good au pair, which is why I hired her, but there’s more to it than that. She was to be Shiloh’s first.
Her introduction.
Her initiation.
I don’t understand why she is delaying the inevitable.
Shiloh seems to sense my mood, and I realize I am no longer smiling. I smile again and stroke her face. “Eat your breakfast. We have much to discuss.”
“I’m sorry, Mommy,” she says quietly. “I couldn’t…”
“We’ll talk about it later. Now, what do you want to do first at the carnival?”
“Win prizes and go on rides,” she says excitedly, her slight already forgotten,–the way only a child could forget things.
I nod and eat my breakfast neatly. Shiloh tries to mimic me, but I know once breakfast is over, she’ll have to go change her shirt. We can’t go out looking like we fed food to our clothes.
As predicted, Shiloh finishes breakfast and goes to change her shirt and put on her trainers. I grab my purse from where it’s hanging in the closet and slip it over my shoulder before I pick up my car keys.
Shiloh comes dashing down the hallway and shrugs on her coat.
“You won’t need that. It’s warm today.”
She shrugs it off again and carefully hangs it back up, straightening it out the way I like it. I stroke her hair gently and take her hand.
“Let’s go.”
I lead her to the car and strap her into her car seat before I climb into the driver’s side and strap myself in.
In no time, we are on our way to the carnival, and it reminds me of my own carnival.
La Douleur Folle
After all, what is it but a wild ride into an abyss of perfection. Those who come there have truly discovered themselves and know what they want, even if they beg for me to stop halfway through. Sometimes they start begging when I start. Some have not begged at all. Those are truly self-discovered.
This little pact we enter into, this deal… a deal the devil some might call it, it is sacred to me. I honor it with my own life. I give them what it is they need, and what they have come seeking for.
Just like Shiloh will. One day.
She just needs to understand, and I will help her understand that what I do is invaluable.
We arrive at the carnival, and I help Shiloh out of her seat. She takes my hand, and I lead her to the entrance of the carnival where I purchase our tickets and then lead her inside, towards where the games are.
I smile brightly as I watch her throw darts and shoot water at a clown face with precision. She wins prizes that I’m left to carry as we make our way through the various games.
We will talk on the way home .