Chapter 38
At the habitat, Roys retired early under the guise of updates to send to Corporate. He wouldn’t let anyone know how unwell he was, for obvious reasons. There shouldn’t be a sense of pride in me for knowing the truth, but alas.
The nap on the shuttle wasn’t enough, and the sweltering weather couldn’t have eased his symptoms. He would have done better on the shuttle. Then again, if we exchanged places, Maddy and I wouldn’t have talked…
She went to the lab the moment we returned.
We hadn’t talked since then, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Apologize over and over, making her angrier because I couldn’t fathom what more to do.
Deep down, I knew her words held truth, but nothing removed the guilt and shame and embarrassment and self-loathing.
Years and years of it had spread, a relentless rust eating away at my core, and I didn’t know how to fix it or if I could.
But I knew there was someone whose mere presence could make me blind to all else.
After an hour, I left the group to play their card games.
None of them enjoyed playing with me anyway, so they weren’t curious about my departure.
I went to the office to check on Roys. He wasn’t there, so I went to his room, where the door opened to the sound of heaving from the bathroom.
He had used his commlink to let me in, where I joined him, settling a hand on his back while he coughed over the rim.
“You should make an excuse to stay in tomorrow,” I said.
“I didn’t take much. This shouldn’t last long."
“Maybe under better circumstances, but with this weather, your symptoms will get worse.”
Roys heaved. Having nothing more to give, he suffered, coughing up nothing.
His muscles spasmed beneath my hand, and sweat poured down his bare back.
He had stripped, leaving himself in nothing but boxers.
Heat rose from his skin as if he suffered from a fever.
I presented him with a glass of water followed by the toothbrush.
He spat into the toilet, grumbling when I used a rag to wipe his mouth.
“Let’s get you in the shower.”
He bit back a bitter laugh. “Honestly, I don’t think I can stand up right now.”
“Not a problem.” I lifted him into the shower. Roys made a surprised sound that had me rolling my eyes while tugging off his boxers.
He thought I couldn’t lift him that easily. Bastard.
Settling Roys’ in the shower, back against the wall, I undressed and turned the water on at a lukewarm temperature. All the showers had a removable head, which I ran over his chest and arms, every muscle trembled, seeming to tense and relax at random.
“You don’t have to do this,” he said while my fingers massaged the shampoo into his scalp.
“Shut up, or you’ll get soap in your mouth.” I took my time at the back of his neck where his muscles were horribly tense. He leaned into the touch that eased him until he slouched against my shoulder. “I’m taking this as your way of saying this feels good?”
“Hmm.” His arms draped around my waist and stayed there through the process of washing his hair then slathering his back in soap. Roys wasn’t pleased when I pushed him away from his heat source so I could wash his front.
“I like you being nice, but also, I sense a disturbance,” he said while I massaged the soap around his legs.
“Understandable. I was told good boys are rewarded.”
“Unfortunately, I do not have the energy to reward you now, or in the near future.”
“I guess you will be charged interest.”
He laughed, though settled his hand beneath my chin. His eyes were vast as space itself. “What’s wrong?”
“Why does something have to be wrong?”
“Tell me there isn’t, then.” His finger brushed my bottom lip. “And be serious.”
“There’s nothing…” I moved my head from his hand and brought the water over him, letting the suds wash down the drain.
I wanted my thoughts to leave with them, except that had always been the problem.
Running away had always been my strong suit, but I had been presented with an opportunity to stand my ground, even if it scared me, and if I didn’t, then the consequences would be my worst nightmare.
“Maddy talked to me today,” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
Roys looked at me like he actually saw me.
I suppose he always had. He never saw Lucky, just Ethin, the parts I hated most, that he did, too.
But he searched through the sharpest pieces and, like little treasures, collected what he could, brought them out to shine through the darkness they were lost in.
And that night, he found another piece, the worst one, broken beyond recognition.
But he sat there, listening to what that piece had to say without uttering a word.
The truth spilled with the water, a rush of noise from my lips that had been sealed for too long.
Not once did I raise my eyes, focusing on cleaning him because if I saw his face, I would run.
Like all the times before, I would give up everything to spare this wicked feeling splitting apart my chest. But Maddy was trying, so I had to try too, no matter how much agony that caused.
“I left her,” I said with the tale coming to an end. “I abandoned her.”
“Ethin, the truth is much more than that. You were a kid…”
“I was old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.”
“And you, unfortunately, knew death too young, so you were terrified, as you should have been. They would have killed you, and a swift death would have been the only kindness they would offer.” Roys took the shower head from me to run over my heaving shoulders.
The water shocked a curse out of me that urged him to cup my face.
“I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you’ve been alone all these years, but you don’t have to tough it out alone anymore.
It doesn’t have to be you against the world. ”
“I don’t remember what it’s like not to stand alone against the world.”
“That’s okay. We can learn how together.”
I kissed him and wondered how I could have gone so long without this. “I’m sorry for everything, honestly, all the back and forth, mistreating you. I'm sorry about being such a dick, y’know, at the start and, well, recently, too.”
“Admittedly, it can be cute.”
I smacked the back of his head. “I’m trying to be serious.”
He laughed against my neck. “I know. I appreciate the unexpected apology. That must have been so difficult for you.”
“It was. I should be rewarded.”
“Another reward with more interest?”
“Obviously.” I laughed, and Roys joined me, stifling the sound by burying himself further against my neck.
His arm around my waist, cradled me like he couldn’t imagine letting me be anywhere else.
I didn’t want to be anywhere else. There had never been a person I felt so content with.
It was always about sex, and sex was great.
It allowed for a moment of intimacy without all the entanglements of emotions, but now…
I didn’t want to become untangled. These strings binding us were comforting rather than restrictive. I wanted to wrap us together, so knotted that nothing could tear us apart.
“I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have, like bringing up your using, shit like that,” I muttered, cheeks hot from the memories.
“I said cruel things too.”
“Because I started it.”
“Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have taken the bait. We’ve all had shitty superior officers using any excuse to hurt us. I never should have even considered taking that route.”
I removed my head from his shoulder so we were face to face.
Even like this, I didn’t have enough of him, so my hand fell on his neck where my thumb brushed the scruff along his jaw.
“You never were and never could be like any of the officers lording over us before. They never gave a damn about us, and you did from the moment you showed up.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Of course not. You were doing the bare minimum, so I’m just stating a fact.
” I kissed the smile already forming on his lips, and I lingered there getting my fill of him, although there couldn’t possibly be enough.
“I’m just trying to apologize for being an asshole, although I can’t promise that I won’t be again in the future. ”
“In the future?” he repeated.
My stomach sank. He caught the implication. I felt it in the sudden slack around my waist. He could shatter everything with a word and I wasn’t ready to risk that yet. I swallowed hard and pushed away, standing to wash off rather than face his rejection.
“You know, the rest of this tour.” I scrubbed soap along my arms. “Anyway, we’ve been here a while. We should finish up.”
“Ethin.” Groaning, Roys stood and pressed a gentle kiss to my shoulder, with half his weight against my back. “I’d like this, us, to have a future outside of sneaking around, but you know I… I have a son, and I would understand if that isn’t something you want.”
He made a point. Kids were always for other people. Family, too. I had hookups and made poor decisions. I was not parent material.
“I never really thought about kids,” I muttered.
If Roys and I had a future, and that was a mighty big if, Malwin would be part of it.
Roys settled his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. “You’re panicking.”
I was. My breathing wouldn’t steady, and Roys took to shampooing my hair because my body ceased functioning. My brain, however, wouldn’t shut the fuck up.
“You realize that if I met Malwin, that would be an utter catastrophe.” I closed my eyes when he told me to. Suds rolled down my face that he wiped away.
“He’d adore you, although I have to request you tame your vocabulary.”
“That wouldn’t change who I am, and that is what would be awful.”
Roys urged me under the water to wash the shampoo away. “That’s not true, and we don’t need to think about anything so far in the future right now.”
He put conditioner on next, although leaned a lot of his weight against me. The trembling in his hands had lessened, but he hadn’t recovered his energy entirely, and once he washed the conditioner out, he shut the shower off.
I looked back at him when he kissed my neck and muttered against it, “But I’d like to talk about it one day, after we’ve tested out the waters of just us for a bit. Preferably without the sneaking.”
“We will get so much shit.”
“Without a doubt.”
“I might kill one of them.”
“We are surrounded by flesh-eating flora, so disposal would be easy.”
“Roys, I… I’m not exactly dating material. I haven’t ever, actually. No strings attached sex has always been my thing.”
“Do you think my past is any better?” he countered. “I haven’t been in a committed relationship since Dinah, if we even want to consider that as one, and sex has always been easy, so long as I was always in control of the situation.”
“What do you mean?”
“I rarely switch. I had less than pleasant experiences because I’d do anything for a hit.
I was celibate for a while when I first joined the militia, then it was all about being in control of every situation, but…
” He held me tighter and sighed against my neck.
“I feel safe with you, and if I’m ever to try anything real, I want it to be with you. ”
I held his hand and cursed any bastard who ever harmed him, including myself.
I’d do anything to make sure he never felt that way again, that he’d always feel safe by my side.
Even if I didn’t really know how to do that, I wanted to try.
For him, I truly believed I would do anything, the best of the best or the worst of the worst.
“I don’t know if I should call you mad or incredibly unfortunate,” I said.
“Ethin.”
“I like when you say my name.”
“Finally letting go of the nickname?”
“No.” I took his hand around my waist to hold. “Ethin is yours.”
“Good.” Roys smiled, and I did too, and his kiss tasted like an unknown future that I couldn’t wait to unravel.