Chapter Twenty-Seven
LAUREN WAS IN the middle of preparing their lunch when Grey returned to the Veritas from delivering the Muellers’ picnic to the beach, and she hovered in the doorway to the salon to watch her work.
Ever since Lauren wandered into the galley after talking on the phone, there had been a distance in her eyes that gave Grey pause.
Lauren had joked and smiled while prepping the Muellers’ lunch, but it was clear that something was weighing on her mind.
Grey smiled when Lauren looked up to see her loitering on the threshold, and gave a small wave as she ambled into the salon to sit at one of the barstools facing the galley.
“Lunch is delivered,” she reported. “Kim wanted me to tell you that a plain ol’ turkey sandwich would have been fine, but that the turkey melts looked great.
And the boys were especially excited about the cookies you stashed in the bottom of the basket. ”
“Well, you know, I promised Reid that we would make more later, so I kinda had to empty out the cookie jar to make room,” Lauren said with a smile that did not quite reach her eyes as she transferred their sandwiches from the grill pan onto plates she had already laid out on the counter.
Grey nodded as she watched Lauren cut the sandwiches into triangles. “Yeah. I figured as much. Thanks.” She took the plate Lauren nudged toward her. “Looks delicious.”
“It’s nothing special.” Lauren brushed off the compliment with a wave of her hand as she pulled a couple bottles of water from the fridge.
“Doesn’t mean it won’t be good.” Grey took the water Lauren held out to her.
She twisted the top off as Lauren rounded the peninsula to sit in the empty chair on her right, and she arched a brow questioningly as she turned to look at her.
“Is everything okay? You’ve seemed a little off ever since you got off the phone. ”
Surprised that Grey had picked up on her mood, Lauren shook her head. “Yeah. No. Everything’s fine. My cat is just a punk and decided to brawl with my friend’s neighbor’s dog.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine.” Lauren rolled her eyes and picked up her sandwich.
“The dog bit him on the paw and I guess it was bleeding pretty bad, so my friend Jen who is watching him for me freaked out and was going to rush him to the vet. I told her to just watch him and see how he acts, because he probably doesn’t need to go in. He’s a jerk, but he’s tough.”
“Sounds like it. What’s his name?”
“Jenks.” Lauren smiled at the way Grey shook her head and chuckled under her breath. “What?”
“With that name, I would be disappointed if he wasn’t a total punk.”
“I’m impressed you know where I got it from. Not a lot of people do.”
Grey shrugged, her smile dimming as a memory of Emily, eyes twinkling with playful amusement as she threatened to withhold sex until Grey read those seven battered paperbacks flashed across her mind.
Emily had sworn off the series at that point, but she still made Grey read and suffer through it all with her. “Emily made me read them.”
Lauren’s smile faltered at the mention of Emily. They had avoided talking about her ever since the night they had first kissed, and she was unsure how to respond. “Oh. Did…” She cleared her throat softly. “Did you like them?”
“I did, until it became obvious that the author was never going to give Ivy a happy ending,” Grey said.
She rolled her eyes, because this was a conversation she had had many times over with Emily, and it never failed to leave her feeling frustrated and annoyed.
“I mean, it would be one thing if they weren’t so perfect for each other.
They made the damn bells ring, ya know? I just, sometimes I really want to find the lady who writes the books and smack her upside the head. ”
“Yeah, well, if you ever do decide to do that, lemme know. I’ll go with you. I wanna get a shot in too,” Lauren said as she took a bite of her sandwich. She chewed thoughtfully as she watched Grey out of the corner of her eye, wary of doing or saying something that might upset her.
“Deal.” Grey sighed and studied her sandwich with far more intensity than a simple turkey and bacon melt required.
She had been doing well just focusing on Lauren, but now that she was thinking about Emily, it was hard to stop.
The memories were not as painful as they had once been, but they were there.
Warm. Bittersweet. Making her breath feel light and her heart ache. “I miss her.”
Lauren smiled sadly as she set her sandwich down and pulled Grey into her arms. “I know, sweetie,” she whispered as Grey leaned into her. She closed her eyes at the feeling of Grey’s face burrowing into her neck, and sighed as she held her tight. “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
Lauren pressed her lips to Grey’s cheek and smoothed a hand over her back. “Don’t be. It’s okay, Grey,” she repeated gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Grey shook her head.
“Okay.” Lauren brushed another kiss across Grey’s cheek.
“It was cancer,” Grey said, the words spilling from her mouth without her consent.
She had not really talked to anyone about those last few months—even Kip had not been able to coax it out of her—but there was something about Lauren that made her want to share.
“We caught it late. Like, crazy late. She was already in stage four when she was diagnosed. It had spread everywhere. Her brain, her lungs, her bones…” Her voice trailed off, and she sucked in a ragged breath as her eyes stung with tears.
“Oh, Grey,” Lauren breathed as her heart broke for the woman in her arms.
“They gave her six months, but she didn’t even make it four,” Grey whispered.
“She was on so many drugs at the end that she slept pretty much all the time, and when she was awake, you could just see how much it hurt in her eyes. I still don’t know how we didn’t realize something was wrong sooner.
She had had some headaches and stuff before she was diagnosed, but nothing unmanageable—but as soon as the tests came back saying cancer, it was like her symptoms exploded out of control.
It was fucking awful, waking up every day, seeing her in so much pain.
Wishing there was something I could do to make it stop, but selfishly wanting her to fight because I didn’t want to lose her. ”
Lauren swallowed thickly and had to fight back her own tears at the absolute agony in Grey’s voice.
“I was so afraid of losing her that I barely slept those last few weeks. I was terrified that she would die while I was sleeping and that I wouldn’t know about it until I woke up.
I just…my every breath was hers. If I could have taken the pain from her I would have, but I couldn’t, and three months and eleven days after she was diagnosed, she was gone.
” She cleared her throat and pulled back to wipe at the tears that were now coursing freely down her cheeks.
“It was just so fast,” she added softly as she stared unseeingly at Lauren’s collarbone, her vision blurred by the tears she could not keep from falling.
“One day she was fine, we had just gotten engaged, and then she was gone. Just like that. It was so fucking fast…” Her voice trailed off into a sob.
Lauren felt utterly useless as she watched Grey fall apart in front of her.
Fat tears poured from Grey’s eyes as she stared into a past that Lauren knew would haunt her forever.
Lauren reached for her, needing to ease some of her pain.
“Oh, sweetie,” she murmured as she wrapped her right hand around the back of Grey’s neck and drew her forward.
“I’m so, so sorry, Grey,” she whispered as she pressed her lips to Grey’s forehead. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” Grey rasped. She sniffled and shook her head. “God, I am so sorry,” she muttered as she pulled away and pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes, as if she could stop crying by sheer force alone. “You don’t need to deal with my shit.”
“Hey.” Lauren tugged gently at Grey’s wrists, and smiled sadly when watery brown eyes reluctantly met her own. “I want to deal with your shit.”
“Why?” Grey blew out a loud breath and looked at Lauren in pure disbelief. “Why would you want to deal with any of this?”
Lauren shrugged. “I just do.” She knew that answer was completely inadequate, but she did not know how to even begin to explain it.
“You’re insane,” Grey muttered in a rough, slightly awed voice.
“That is entirely possible,” Lauren agreed, her heart lifting at the small smile that quirked Grey’s lips. “Come here,” she said as she pushed herself to her feet. She was pleased when Grey followed without question, and she hummed under her breath as she pulled Grey into her arms.
Grey wrapped her arms around Lauren’s neck and melted into the embrace.
She closed her eyes and buried her face in the crook of Lauren’s neck, greedily taking the comfort Lauren offered.
Her heart broke all over again as she thought of those final moments she had with Emily and the days that had followed, and she was only vaguely aware of the gentle hand that was sweeping up and down her back as she cried.
Eventually her tears dried up, and Grey let out a shuddering breath as she pulled away. “Thank you.”
“No thanks necessary.” Lauren brushed a tender kiss across Grey’s forehead. “You okay?”
“I will be,” Grey answered softly. It was what she had assured everybody who had asked after the funeral, but this was the first time that she actually believed it.
She nodded, almost as if to assure herself that her words were true, and let out a soft sigh as she leaned her forehead against Lauren’s. “I will be.”