Chapter Nineteen #2
See? Bullshit. Because Alex hadn’t returned to me. Not back then. But things had changed. We had changed. Maybe it was time to listen to this sonnet with older ears.
“Just to the time, not with the time exchanged,
So that myself bring water for my stain.
Never believe, though in my nature reigned
All frailties that besiege all kinds of blood,
That it could so preposterously be stained,
To leave for nothing all thy sum of good”
I’d always read this sonnet to be about the notion of returning to someone and picking up where you left off, which, again, I’d found to be bullshit.
But now that older, maybe even slightly wiser, Caitlin was listening to it, it was more than that.
It was about how love didn’t change, despite time, despite distance.
Alex and I had been apart for years, and our parting hadn’t exactly been amicable.
But being with him now, his kiss, his touch, had that tinge of nostalgia that was comforting.
We’d grown and changed as people, and somehow we’d managed to find each other again.
And once things had been rekindled…well, what was happening between us now was less a rekindling as it was setting a match to a bonfire.
And we were going to have to part again. But that didn’t mean what was between us would fade. Was that what he was trying to tell me here?
During this whole performance Alex had looked out into the audience with a performer’s gaze, making occasional eye contact but not singling out any one person for any particular moment.
But now, for the final two lines, his eyes found mine, and it was like a tractor beam.
It was a locking of gazes in almost a literal sense.
I couldn’t blink. I couldn’t react. All I could do was sit, helpless under his gaze, pinned to my seat as he finished the stanza, the sonnet, the song.
“For nothing this wide universe I call,
Save thou, my rose; in it thou art my all.”
My rose. My hands flexed in my lap, wanting to touch the blue rose nestled in my hair next to my Queen’s crown.
How long had he been planning this? All these weeks with the roses that matched my outfits, down to the one night he’d matched my white T-shirt.
How long had it been since he’d read this sonnet and decided it was the one he wanted to put to music?
It hit me then, square in the chest. The Shakespeare books. The music he’d been working on with Dex. It was all for this song. It was all for me.
I wanted to ask him. I wanted to thank him. I wanted to kiss him.
But the Queen, of course, couldn’t do any of those things. Not yet. Not until the day was over. Until the season was over.
And now I was torn. As the cast took the stage—as many people as could fit on that smallish wooden platform—to harmonize together one last time in a slow ballad of farewell, I clung to these last few moments of Faire.
I wanted to make them last as long as possible.
But my arms ached, and I felt empty inside.
I wanted Alex. His smile, his touch, his embrace.
I reminded myself to be patient. His song had made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere.
There were still things to say between us.
I could focus on one thing at a time. One emotion at a time.
And what emotion. Tripping down the hill to the Hollow after closing gate, the sounds of four-wheel-drive vehicles zipping around the lanes of the Faire combined with very American-sounding shouts as volunteers in their red T-shirts began breaking down the food booths and stalls, grouping benches together to be put in storage sometime next week.
The high-school-age cast members, some back in their street clothes already, clutched at each other, practically in tears.
Didn’t school start in like three weeks?
They were going to be spending all day together soon enough.
But I got it; I remembered being that young.
The ren faire had been my whole world when I was a teenager.
Now, at the ripe old age of twenty-four, I lounged in one of the folding chairs, blue brocade overdress already off and bagged up, unpinning my crown so it too could be packed away.
I handed it off to Nina, who tossed the prop piece into a nearby box—so much for the crown jewels—before reaching behind her to unlace her corset.
I motioned to her and she turned her back to me so I could do it.
“Why?” she asked me as I unlaced her. “Why do I do this to myself every year? I have enough going on without taking on an unpaid part-time job for half the summer.”
“Because you love it,” I said. And really, it was that simple.
“Because you can’t imagine life without it,” Toby said. He’d already turned in his halberd and had shucked the outer layers of his guard’s costume, which left him wearing the Elizabethan equivalent of sweatpants and a T-shirt.
Nina’s sigh sounded like it came from her toes as she peeled her corset away from her ribs. “Yeah,” she said. “You’re right.” She dropped into the folding chair next to me and I handed her the pack of makeup wipes.
“What about you?” She rubbed a wipe across her face, turning her skin bright pink. “You ready for your interview tomorrow?”
I nodded, scrubbing hard at the Queen’s dark red lipstick. “I think so.”
Nina blew out a long sigh. “So you’re really outta here, huh?”
“Hopefully.” The first day of Faire, I’d told everyone who’d listen that I wasn’t back.
That I wasn’t staying. That I was only here at the Faire against my will, and I already had one foot out of town.
But now, as I finished taking off my makeup, I wondered why I’d ever want to be anywhere else. Was I really making the right decision?
On a normal Faire day I would have gathered my stuff and headed home in my underdress.
But on the last day there was more to do.
I’d changed into leggings and a tank and helped gather all the borrowed costumes.
It was going to take several people several days in their home laundry rooms to get everything cleaned up so they could be packed away for next year.
And my weekly dry-cleaning runs were nothing compared to the mountain of heavy satins and brocades that needed to be taken in.
Nina and I pitched in to help sort, while Toby was off helping with the return of borrowed props: weapons and tankards and wicker baskets.
The sun was low in the sky, throwing shadows across everything as we worked, and by the time Mitch helped Simon break down the dressing room tent it was almost completely dark. I folded up the two chairs and the card table, laying them both by the tent.
“That’s good enough.” Simon dragged the back of his hand across his forehead.
“We can do the rest during the week.” He looked beat, and as well he should.
He’d done two shows that day, plus character interactions, and now put in a good couple hours breaking down the Faire. The man needed a month of sleep.
And so did I. I reached for my duffel bag, then belatedly remembered my rose.
I’d taken it out of my hair when I’d gotten out of costume, leaving it on the makeup table…
that I’d just broken down and which was now lying on its side.
The table had been empty. I turned in a frantic circle.
It was the last rose of the season, and I’d just lost it?
“Looking for this?” Alex emerged from the almost darkness, the blue rose in one hand.
He had that sad half smile again, and I rushed to him like one of us was about to ship off to the other side of the world.
His arms closed around me and I buried my face in his neck, kissing him there and tasting the salt of a long day out in the woods.
Why was I crying? I blamed exhaustion. And the heightened emotion of the day.
But Alex didn’t say a word about my tears.
He just held me tighter, his lips brushing against my temple, my ear, my cheek.
Finally I sniffed hard and pulled back. My hands framed his face, and my eyes roamed his features, memorizing him.
There was so much I wanted to say. So much I wanted to ask. But I wasn’t sure where to start.
“Nice song,” I finally said, and he gave a watery laugh.
“Thanks. I hoped you’d like it. You hate Faire a little less now?” he asked with a teasing smile.
“How could I not?” I teased back. “You showed me all of your favorite things about it.”
“Good.” He nuzzled my hair, drawing a slow breath as though memorizing the scent of my shampoo. “Because, Caitlin…” He brushed a kiss on my cheek. “My favorite thing. My absolute favorite thing about Faire has always been you. It was back then, and it is now. It always will be.”
He cupped my chin in his hand, brushing his lips against mine. I closed my eyes and savored his kiss, the way I’d savored everything today. He nudged my nose with his before placing a gentle kiss there too. “My rose.” He tucked the flower behind my ear again. “Thou art my all.”