Chapter 9 #2
“Technically not, but we both know you usually don’t give much of a fuck as long as it doesn’t affect you directly.” The words weren’t meant to be hurtful. George was simply stating facts.
“In case you haven’t noticed, Mom is on the warpath, and that affects all of us very directly. Dad doesn’t seem to be overly concerned, but he did mention how he would have appreciated hearing from you that you are changing career paths and have entered a serious relationship.”
George winced. While his mother could cut deep wounds with snide remarks and the lively play of her changing expressions, the silent disapproval from his father was almost worse.
It was the difference between actively dodging an oncoming car and standing in the hail with no shelter in sight.
Both were awful and potentially hurtful, but with the first, at least a semblance of control was given.
“I told Mom.”
“In increments, stretched over months, George.”
“Because it happened in increments, over the course of months!”
Andi cocked his head. He had either lost the thread of the conversation or was trying to cheer George up. It was hard to tell.
“You should have told her the moment you and Andi got together. He’s got stellar solving statistics, by the way.
And your DA, Bill Waters, he sang his praises for almost an hour before I managed to cut him off.
His statistics look damn good as well, mostly because of Andi.
” It was obvious how reluctant Griff was to say anything positive about Andi.
His older brother had been a DA in Boston for two years now with aspirations of becoming a judge like their mother.
He knew how invaluable solid police work was to nail down criminals.
“Bill’s not an idiot.”
Andi’s grimace suggested something different, though George knew it was in good spirits. Bill Waters was one of the few people Andi actually got along with.
“Obviously not. He wouldn’t be where he is today if he were.” Again, gruff admiration. In indirect relation to Andi. Perhaps this family invasion for his birthday wouldn’t be as bad as he had feared.
“Are we done? Because my boyfriend and I have to work.”
Andi blew him a kiss. An actual kiss. With a wink. George was afraid of what the silverfish had to say about his stress levels.
“We’re nowhere near done, not until I’m convinced this Andi is a good match for you, but for the moment, I can’t think of anything else besides be careful, George.
I would hate to see all your plans for your future going down the drain because of one hare-brained decision. Or should I say lust-fueled decision?”
As insulting as this insinuation was, George still had to hold back a snicker. If only Griff knew how little lust had to do with what he and Andi had.
“Then I’m looking forward to seeing you in less than five weeks, big bro. As I told Mom, if you need help finding a hotel, feel free to contact me.”
“Don’t think we haven’t realized that you don’t want us in your little mansion.” The bite in Griff’s voice had lessened a bit.
“It’s Andi’s little mansion, and he doesn’t do well with strangers. Meeting the family is stress-inducing enough without having them sleeping under the same roof. You know how Mom can be. Hosting my birthday party for you lot is more than enough.”
“Why doesn’t he do well with strangers? He’s a detective, for goodness’ sake!” Of course, Griff had latched onto the crucial point instead of being miffed about George’s hint that the Donovan family was far from being ideal house guests.
“Because he’s special, and his home is his safe haven. Leave him be, Griff, or else we’ll meet at a restaurant somewhere in Charleston and you can all fly directly back to Boston afterward.”
There was a moment’s pause. When Griff spoke again, all suspicion had left his voice. “You really like him, don’t you? I’ve never seen you defend somebody like this. I’ll back off, little bro. Tell Andi I’m looking forward to meeting him. Truly.”
George wasn’t an idiot. He took the olive branch Griff was offering and ran with it. “Yes, I do. I’ll tell him. See you, Griff.”
“See you, George.”
George ended the call and looked at Andi, who was staring at him with an intensity that meant he was seeing George with more than just his human senses.
“You’re agitated and afraid and angry and nervous and your blood is pumping like crazy, you want to protect, to fight, the nest must be safe, the queen, I’m your queen, this is your nest, no intruders allowed, out, out, I feel safe, you’re here, always, this is your place, our nest, we’re bound, don’t be nervous, you’re strong, capable, I can feel it, your heartbeat, thump, thump, so steady, always there, my anchor, need you. ”
George stepped forward, grabbed Andi and pulled him against his body, pressing his lover’s ear against his chest, so he could hear the heartbeat that was his anchor, his safety, providing George with a sense of peace in the process, knowing this was something only he could give Andi, something he could actually provide, free and always.
Andi snuggled against him, melting into his form, something that had been unthinkable when they had met.
Now it was normal, a necessity that helped both of them to stay grounded because the things they were dealing with were so far outside the ordinary, it wasn’t the least bit funny.
After some time, Andi leaned back. “I guess we need to talk about your birthday?”
“I guess we do.”
They were both silent for a moment. “Sooo, what do you usually do on your birthday? I deduce from your comments regarding the topic that you don’t always celebrate with your family?”
“You deduced right. To be honest, the only reason my mom is making such a fuss is because I dodged her for the past few months. She’s not clingy, not in the least, but she does like to be kept in the loop, especially regarding her sons’ careers.
I’m also fairly sure she had you investigated the moment I announced I’d be moving in with you. Basically, this is my fault.”
“The way I see it, it would have happened anyway. I’m glad it’s now, after we’ve had a chance to establish some routines. Facing her while still finding our footing would have been unpleasant.”
George pressed a kiss on Andi’s forehead. “Have I told you how much I love your pragmatic streak?”
“You’ve mentioned it once or twice.”
“Rightfully so. Anyway, we don’t have any great traditions.
When we celebrate together, it’s usually with a home-cooked meal and cake.
Mom and Dad get the same present from Daniel, Griff, and me every year, while they try to give us something different.
We brothers don’t give each other presents.
None of us has the patience or desire to look for something unique for the others and gift certificates get old after a while.
I know you don’t celebrate your birthday, but is there anything you would like to do when it’s your turn? ”
“Hmm, a day off would be nice. And breakfast in bed. I’ve heard that’s something people do for their special day.
” Andi sounded wistful enough for George to lean back and look at his partner.
Normally, Andi was good at hiding his emotions, especially regarding personal things.
This seemed to be a sensitive topic, and for Andi, volunteering information meant he was ready to tackle it, at least in parts.
“Yes, breakfast in bed is a nice way to start a birthday. We can definitely do that for yours.”
“Not yours?” Andi lifted a brow.
My man is too damn observant. “You don’t have to go to the trouble. I know how much you hate mornings.” There. That should do the trick.
“You just don’t trust me to make you an edible breakfast.” Andi was grinning now.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you per se.” George tried to soften the blow. “It’s just that I have seen you in a kitchen, and I think we can both agree it’s not your natural habitat.”
“You have such a way with words, Detective Donovan.”
“I’m known for it.” George nodded gravely.
Then he leaned in to give Andi a kiss on his forehead.
“You’re going to put up with my family. That’s enough of a present for me.
Hell, you’re already putting up with them, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact you’re not throwing a tantrum over Mom’s and Griff’s behavior. ”
“You’ve seen that situation before?” Andi talked into George’s chest, which made his words a little hard to understand.
“You know I’ve never had any lasting relationships before you, but the few where I thought it could perhaps become more got their kiss of death as soon as my mother made her displeasure known.”
“I’m not the first she didn’t like?”
George snorted. “Why do you think Griff and Daniel are still single?”
“Because of their demanding careers?”
“That too, but also because it takes a special kind of person to deal with the relationship all three of us have with our mother.”
“I’m special.” Andi nuzzled George’s chest with his nose.
“You are a marvel. In every aspect.”
“Does it bother you?”
“That you’re a marvel?”
“No. Your relationship with your mother. It feels strained at times, but there’s also an underlying bond of contentment that’s like this whirl of greens. It grounds you.”
George started stroking Andi’s head while he thought about his answer. He had given up trying to understand his relationship with her before he’d turned twenty. It was just too complicated. “You know mothers can be—difficult.”
Andi made a sound George decided to count as agreement.
When it came to complicated, Andi had drawn another winning lot with his mother on top of his geschenk.
“My mother is loving and caring, just not in the traditional way. We never had her waiting for us at home in a flowery apron with a freshly cooked meal and cookies for dessert. She’s not the type.
Though it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.
She just shows it differently. Like checking your background.
Making sure you’re not a danger to the future I want to build for myself.
Should this thing between us end—which I don’t want, just to be clear—she won’t hug me and tell me everything’s going to be okay and drown me in hot chocolate.
She’ll tell me ‘I told you so’ and start looking into options to help me recover from this professionally.
And she will absolutely bring it up whenever we have an argument when I don’t listen to her. ”
“And that’s love?”
The fact that Andi had to ask made George wish he could wrap his partner in pure warmth and protect him from the outside world forever. “Yes. That’s love, dear. A form of it. And I’m eternally grateful that you seem to be unimpressed by its uglier side.”
“You mean the side that tries to evict me from your life.”
“Yeah. That.” George started stroking Andi’s head, gently massaging the scalp, eliciting a happy groan.
“It doesn’t really bother me. I know what a difficult topic mothers can be.
To me, my true mother was Gran. She loved me unconditionally.
Accepted my otherness without batting an eye and offered me a safe haven when all the other adults in my life only had expectations or contempt to offer.
” Andi paused. “I’m not saying my mother doesn’t love me.
It’s just that her love is inseparably intertwined with the expectations she failed to meet first when she was born without the geschenk and then when she failed to stay in Bavaria with me.
Her relationship to my oma was a volatile mix of hurt feelings, thirst for vengeance, pettiness, and a desperate need to validate herself in the eyes of somebody who saw people as—”
“Things?” George suggested when Andi didn’t seem to be inclined to keep on talking. His lover shook his head.
“Things can still have value. I don’t think there’s a word for how my oma viewed people.
For her, they were what a field of grass is to a bee or a room without anything in it is to a fly.
Something of no value. Only to put value to it, you’d have to think or hope it could become something more if you went to the trouble of investing in it.
To a bee, a field of grass is—at best—something to be ignored when there’s other food sources around.
For a child wanting to be a flower—to stay in the metaphor—it’s a devastating experience to be nothing. ”
“You were the flower. In the eyes of your oma.”
“I was, and I’d have preferred to be grass. But I wasn’t, just like my mother wasn’t a flower. We both yearned to be different, to be what the other was, completely out of reach and bound to make us unhappy, while at the same time it was the only strong connection we had to each other.”
“Which is why you have so little contact.”
“Mostly.” Andi shrugged, the movement a gentle scrape on George’s chest. “I think my mother regrets a lot of things regarding me. When we talk, she tries to decide whether she should make an attempt to change the past, which is impossible, and her bad conscience as well as her underlying anger about it make our interactions awkward and exhausting.”
“Are you mad at her?”
Again, Andi shrugged, a little more pronounced this time.
“Sometimes? Yes. Most of the time. I see and understand what she went through and what little choices she had. I mean, I’ve met my oma.
Considering what my mother had to endure growing up, it’s a wonder she’s as stable as she is.
Returning back to the States with me was her one act of rebellion against my oma, and she could only go through with it because my gran offered her a home and love and because my oma was already declining in health at the time.
If she’d still been in her prime, I’d now be a citizen of Bavaria. ”
George hugged Andi closer. Just thinking of never meeting him made his stomach turn.
“I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad your mother found the courage to defy your oma at least once.”
“Me too.”