Chapter 4
Ren
“Here, take me jacket,” Myles said as we left the cafeteria.
He pulled off his lacrosse jacket and held it open for me. It was way too large, but warm and smelled like him. Myles opened the door, and I walked through into a winter wonderland. It was as if the heavens had opened, but instead of rain, it was a thick wall of white.
Myles grabbed my hand.
“Can ya jog?”
“Yeah,” I said, and gripped his hand tighter.
The wind and snow pelted my face. I burrowed deeper into the warmth of the jacket.
We slowed when we reached the parking lot, but Blake’s car was still in his spot.
We kept going, following the path over the little bridge before reaching the pond.
When we turned the corner, my heart dropped.
Blake was sitting on the picnic table, soaked to the bone, his head in his hands as he leaned on his knees. He wasn’t moving.
“Oh my god, Blake.”
We ran the rest of the way, and as soon as I reached him, I unzipped Myles’s jacket and wrapped it around his shoulders.
“Blake, look at me,” I said, grabbing his ice-cold hands. He didn’t move. He just stared at the ground.
Myles pulled out his phone and stepped away, but I tried again to get Blake’s attention. I ran my hands up and down his as panic set in.
“Come on, Blake, look at me.”
“She’s gone,” he said, barely loud enough to hear over the wind. He slowly lifted his head. Tears had frozen to his cheeks and eyelashes. “She’s gone, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, he broke down in a sob. I grabbed Blake and held him tight.
“I know. I’m so sorry.” He clung to me, burying his face against my chest as I held him tight.
“It’s not fair,” he cried.
“I know,” I mumbled, as I tried to hold it together.
“I’m so sorry…I’m sorry I said all that stuff to you,” he said.
“Shh, it’s okay.”
He pulled away and sat up straight, staring into my eyes.
“No. None of this is okay. Nothing will ever make this okay. None of the shit that has happened.” He cupped my cheeks. “I thought killing Lawrence would make it better, that with him gone…but…it doesn’t. My heart hurts every second of the day.”
I gripped his hands, linking our fingers together. I could feel him trembling. This type of pain I understood, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone someone I loved.
Movement caught my attention as Theo, Liam, and Nash rounded the corner and ran toward us.
When Theo got close, I let go of Blake and covered my mouth as they embraced.
Theo pulled him off the table and stood there like they were the only thing keeping each other upright. The sound of their pain tore me in two.
Nash walked over and handed me the spare jacket he was holding.
“Thanks.”
He didn’t say anything, just pulled me into his body and let me cry. Trying to be strong for Blake and Theo was something I really wanted to be, but it was so difficult to see through my own loss. My mum, Neil, my aunt Nadia, and now Ella…it was a pain that never fully went away.
“We should get ya inside,” Myles said, putting his hands on their shoulders.
We were quiet as we made our way back to the dorm. There were a few questioning stares, but no one said anything as we trudged through the foyer like a funeral procession.
When we reached their room, Theo opened the door but stopped us before we could follow.
“Can you give me a few hours alone with him?” Theo whispered.
I looked into Blake’s eyes, and he nodded.
“If you need anything…I’m here.”
He nodded again. “I know,” he said. His voice was so sad that my heart ached with each beat.
As much as I didn’t want to leave Blake, I stepped back, and Theo quietly closed the door on us.
“I hate this so much,” I said, glancing up at Nash. “All of it, for everyone.”
“I get it. I keep wondering how different things would have been if I’d killed Lawrence sooner.”
Shaking his head, Nash turned to walk away, but Liam stepped in front of him.
“No, you can’t do that. We’ve all seen what you’ve been through and how it wasn’t as simple as it sounds. Beating yourself up now for something you can’t go back in time to change leads down a dark path.” He gripped Nash’s shoulder. “You need to stay in the now, for all of us.”
“That’s easier said than done,” Nash said.
“Liam’s right. No one blames you for what happened,” I added.
“But that’s the thing…maybe you should. I dragged you into this mess like I was trapped in quicksand, and you all got stuck with me.”
“Nah, man. We all knew da risks, and that included Ella and Ethan. We grew up in this world. We were already stuck in Lawrence’s web of destruction because of our parents.
We dinne ask for this, any more than you asked ta be born his son.
No more than I wanted to grow up with Owen.
Some shite ya just can’t fix, and there be too many fingers to point and blame to pick one person and one moment in time as the cause. ”
I’d never heard Myles so insightful before, but he was a hundred percent right.
Nash snorted.
“Oh, how I wish my father had been a blowjob instead,” Nash teased, but I didn’t laugh.
Instead, I took his hand and waited for him to look at me.
“But then we wouldn’t have met.”
He remained quiet, but his eyes softened.
“You guys want to go work out for a while,” Liam asked, and I raised an eyebrow.
“What do you have in mind,” I asked, suspiciously.
A wicked smile spread across his face.
“You dirty little rabbit.” Heat bloomed throughout my body. “I’m thinking we can go to the new gym and see how Nora is making out with the changes and blow off some steam. But if you want to stay here and get freaky with us, I’m down.”
“Is sex all you guys ever think about?”
I looked at Myles, Liam, and then Nash. They all looked guilty as sin as they smirked.
“You’re unbelievable. All of you,” I grumbled, marching away to change.
“So, you’re coming?” Liam called after me, and the three of them chuckled, making me shake my head.
I stopped and looked over my shoulder. They were trying hard not to laugh at the sexual innuendo.
“Children, you’re all children. Yes, I’m coming,” I said, and then pointed at them. “Don’t you dare say, that’s what she said.”
That broke them, and they started laughing. Rolling my eyes, I walked away.
Men.
Theo
I closed the door and watched as Blake pulled out some dry clothes and wandered into the bathroom. We’d all taken my mom’s death hard and were grieving, but Blake…I was worried about him spiraling.
Once the shower turned on, I changed out of my school uniform for something more relaxed, tossed my glasses on the desk, and waited.
“You don’t need to worry about me,” Blake said.
My head snapped up at the sound of his voice. I hadn’t noticed the shower cutting off. He was leaning against the door jamb, watching me.
“But I do.”
He rolled his eyes.
“Why, because I’m a junkie?”
My earliest memory was looking over at Blake in our shared bed—since we hated to sleep alone—and him smiling at me.
We were little, maybe only three years old.
I had no idea how I remembered that when most people couldn’t remember anything from when they were that young.
But he’d been so happy. He was the happy one with a smile that could light up a room.
I envied that. Now, I would have given anything to see him smile like that again.
“No, because I’m your brother,” I said, crossing the room to stand in front of him. He lost the hard look in his eyes and stared down at his feet. “Blake…I know what you’re feeling.”
“Do you? I hate how you just keep moving forward like nothing happened. It’s like we didn’t just lose our mother.
I hate it, and yet, I wish I could do it.
I’m stuck in a pit of agony that won’t let go.
My heart won’t stop aching, and I can barely take a breath.
All I do is wonder. Did she know how much I loved her?
What was the last thing I said to her? Could I have spent more time with her? I…”
Covering his face, he slid down the wall until he was on the floor, and I sat down beside him.
“How do you do it?”
“I cry when I’m alone,” I said, feeling his eyes on my face. “I sit in the shower until there is no hot water and wonder all the same things you do. I’m not moving on, I just hide it better than you, that’s all.”
“I don’t know how to do this. And Dad…he’s so broken. I don’t know how to help him when it feels like my chest has caved in,” Blake said, and I leaned my head against the wall.
“I don’t know either. For once, I don’t have the answers, and I wish I did. I really wish I did,” I said, not caring if he saw the tears trailing down my cheek.
“What are we going to do?”
I shook my head and held out my hand for him.
“One day at a time, it’s all I’ve got.”
Blake hesitated but only for a moment.
“I can’t lose you, too,” I admitted. “I don’t think you’re a junkie, but I also know this is a challenge. Lean on me. Don’t feel like you can’t. I want you to.”
Turning my head to look him in the eyes, I saw worry staring back at me. He was defensive because he had thought the same thing, which meant he had been tempted.
“You know that, right? I can’t lose you. I know you’ve got this, but that won’t stop me from worrying because I love you.” His eyes filled with tears. “We’re going to get through this, I promise.”
“How are you so certain?”
The corner of my mouth curved up ever so slightly.
“Because we have each other. We have since before we were born, and we will until the day we die. I’ll always have your back, and I know you’ll have mine.”
The smile reached his eyes this time.
“I love you too, Theo.”
We sat there for a few minutes, saying nothing and letting the moment ground us together in our mutual sadness and pain.
“You want to get a pizza from Mom’s favorite spot and take it to Dad?”
Blake smiled and nodded.
“Yeah, let’s do it.”
Pushing ourselves up, I grabbed him and pulled him into a hug before he could escape my reach.
“I’ve got you,” he whispered.
“And I’ve got you.” Clearing my throat, I stepped back and dried my eyes. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
Grabbing my keys, we headed for the door, and for the first time since the shooting, I felt like we really were going to be okay.