CHAPTER 5
APRIL
I wake up the next morning and stare at the ceiling of the hut with a vague sense of horror.
I'm aching and needy, my skin wildly sensitive.
Even the touch of my leathers against my body feels like too much.
This isn't going to be fun. At all. My hope that I'd feel things a little less strongly in the morning has evaporated.
Everyone has mentioned some chick from the other tribe named Josie who held out for a month against resonance, and I figured her achievement gave me hope.
Twelve hours in, however, I suspect she was numb below the waist, because sweet baby Jesus, this is terrible.
My hand immediately steals between my thighs, and I'm soaked.
I'm tempted to make myself come, but Dawn is right there a few feet away, sleeping with her hand on her cheek.
I can't do this right here. That's just creepy.
I pull on my clothing as quietly as I can and steal out of the hut, determined to find some alone time.
I head down the beach, veering away from the main part of the settlement. I'm looking for a nice, rocky spot with a lot of hiding places where I can tuck myself away from the bustle of the morning and just...rub one out. Or rub three out. Or a dozen. With every step I take, the number goes up.
No sooner do I reach the sandy high tidemark near the water than Valmir jogs up to my side. I bite back a groan and glare at him, even as my khui hums loudly with joy at his nearness. "Must you?"
"Must I what?"
"Must you follow me around?"
He shrugs, unbothered by my tone. "You're leaving scent trails all over the beach. Anyone could sniff you out."
"Gross. We're not doing this right now, for the record." I point between him and me. "I want some time alone and you aren't invited."
"So you can touch yourself? I can smell your cunt."
I turn and snarl at him, hands clenched at my sides. "Here's a thought, telling a woman you can smell her cooch is not the way to win her heart!"
His feline mouth twists into a smirk. "I don't want your heart."
I turn away, storming down the beach to put distance between us.
He doesn't get the hint. Valmir follows me, jogging. "Your heart doesn't have to be involved. Just your reproductive organs."
"Again, not making me want to fling myself into your arms with all this talk of reproductive organs."
"What is the appropriate way to refer to it, then?"
I ignore him, because he's just being a dick. "Don't you have somewhere to be right now?"
"You mean hunting you a perfect animal skin so I will be allowed your favors? Yes, I will be starting the hunt today...unless you want me to wait and help you with that juicy cunt I smell."
"Still not the way to get a lady's attention."
To my surprise, he goes still. "What is the proper way?"
I turn to look at him. "Are you serious?"
He sneers at me. "What, I can't value guidelines and rules?"
A love of guidelines just doesn't match up with what I know of him.
He's arrogant and caustic, and unpleasant to everyone that he talks to.
I also can't think of a single instance in which he's bent the rules established here on the beach.
Maybe he's not as high makamaka as I thought?
He just seems like the type to have his chin in the air with a high opinion of himself, but maybe I'm wrong.
"I'm sorry if that came out wrong. You just don't strike me as the type to appreciate rules.
You seem more like you'd get annoyed at being told what to do. "
"I'm not an anarchist. If there are rules to human society, I'd rather know how to proceed." His reply carries a hint of starchiness, as if I'm offending him simply for thinking otherwise.
"Wow, okay, big words."
This time he glares at me. "I'm not an idiot, either. I don't know why that surprises you, female, unless you think the only sort of male you can attract is one with the mental competence of a sea slug."
Woof. Talk about knocking someone flat with a statement.
He's not entirely wrong, either. Why am I thinking the worst of him if my khui selected him?
What does that say about me and my genetics?
"You know what? This conversation is taking an unpleasant turn and that wasn't my goal. I'm just on edge."
"I know the cure for that," Valmir says in a sly voice.
"I do, too, and it isn't happening." I flick a finger at him in a shooing motion. "Don't you have something you could be doing right now? Like, say, getting me my perfect animal skin?"
Valmir doesn't get the hint. He stops, moving right in front of me and forcing me to stop in my tracks, too. His eyes gleam with triumph. "Eager to get me into your bed, are you?"
I put my hands up automatically to stop myself from running to him.
For some reason, I'm having a hard time lowering them.
Is it because his khui is thrumming under my palms, singing along to mine so painfully loudly that it feels as if my entire body is abuzz?
Is it the hard muscle under his tunic that I could grope if I was just a smidge bolder?
My pussy clenches. I can feel a flush creeping up my face as we stare at each other.
I have to take a step backward to break the spell. "You keep telling yourself that. You're going to need more than just one animal fur to get me into bed."
He goes still, his ears pricking in an intent sort of way that tells me he's listening so hard he's practically vibrating. "Is that so? How much more?"
This feels like a trap. If I tell him four, he's gonna be in my bed with bells on before the sun sets.
If I tell him a hundred, Valmir will know for sure that I'm stalling and I don't have an answer for this situation.
Part of me wants to move forward and put my hands on his chest again. Bad April. Bad.
What's a good number that seems like a reasonable ask for courtship? "Twelve tasks. You know, like the Twelve Labors of Hercules."
"Twelve?" His shaggy feline brows go up — does he have whiskers there? Why do I give a fuck? — and he turns thoughtful. "So eleven more after I retrieve the skin. Doable."
He doesn't ask who Hercules is. I'm surprised. I was mentally bracing myself to come up with some sort of explanation. "Yeah, twelve is the standard," I lie. "Everyone knows that."
"Indeed." Valmir rubs his hands together. "Then I should get started so you do not have to suffer for too long."
"Me, suffering?" I snort, as if this is ludicrous. As if I'm not squeezing my thighs together as we speak. "I'm not suffering at all."
"Do I get a prize for finding you this skin?" He gazes at me with speculation.
I should tell him no. I should tell him to fuck off until I'm good and ready to deal with him and I've come to terms with resonance. But the thought of rewarding Valmir is far more thrilling than it should be. "I'll let you have dinner with me."
Instead of being pleased, he just blinks, expression blank. "What's special about that? We all eat."
"No, no. Dinner is like a date. Alone time for the two of us. It's special in human culture and a chance to get to know each other better. If you're not interested..."
"I didn't say that," Valmir replies quickly. "So I get you this skin and you reward me with dinner, and then we will speak of my next task."
"Something like that, yeah." God, is he purring? Why is that giving me chicken skin all over? Why am I desperately wanting to race behind the nearest rock and touch myself for a while?
He moves closer to me, so close that I can smell him even with my pathetic human nose.
I hate that he smells good, like smoke and leathers and an unnamable sort of musk that must be his own.
He stands over me, blocking out the wind, and gazes down at me as if he wants to devour me.
"You know what would also let us get to know each other better? "
"Don't say it—"
"Mating."
I sigh. Why must he always ruin my fantasies? "You're a nightmare. I hope a snow-cat eats you."
He laughs with delight. "Oh, it will not. I will get you your fur, April, and then I will have you for dinner."
"Have dinner with me," I correct.
And now I really, really need to rub one out.
The least private place in the entire galaxy is this damn beach.
I feel feverish with arousal, constantly aware of the pulsing between my thighs and the extreme sensitivity of my skin.
I want nothing more than to duck away to go and touch myself, and I want to do that several times a day.
The problem is that there are people everywhere.
We have dozens of tribe members all living in a small cove sheltered by cliffs.
Huts are tiny so most people spend their time outside, around a fire or working on chores.
They're all social creatures laughing and talking together.
They're driving me fucking crazy.
Every time I try to slip away to clear my head (or touch myself) I run into someone.
J'shel pulling in nets from the water wants to chat with me and give me his resonance experiences.
Callie is picking up shells on the beach with her daughter and wants to tell me all about how much she hated M'tok when they first resonated.
I find a sheltered nook and a breath of privacy, only to run into Bridget, who's wanting to set out some of her pottery to dry.
"How are you hanging in there?" she asks me, all sympathy.
I want to claw my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. "I'm fine."
"You'll get through it! We all do, and then you wonder why you ever put your foot down about it in the first place." Her smile is sweet, as if it's really that simple. She gently sets one of her pots on a ledge and fusses with the lip of it, clucking over a dent.
Get through it. Oh sure. I'll just endure horniness until it wears me down and Valmir starts to seem attractive.
Why not have my brain removed while I'm at it?
The end result would be the same. "I just remembered something I need to do," I mumble, and escape the cave, stumbling back out onto the beach.
Surely there's got to be somewhere that no one will offer me platitudes or anecdotes, or I can at least be alone?
As I storm down the beach again, I see Yasmin, one of my fellow clones.
Her thick hair is twisted up atop her head and covered by a big fluffy scarf tied jauntily at her nape.
A pack made from woven reeds is slung over her shoulder, resting on her hip.
She waves at me, cupping a hand to her mouth.
"There you are! Valmir's looking for you! "
The urge to scream grows.
"Oh?" I manage casually. "I was just about to go hunting for some herbs."
"Indeed. He says he has a gift for you?" Her eyes are full of interest.
I ignore her curiosity. "I'll make sure and squeeze him into my schedule. I'm busy at the moment."
Before she can ask me anything else, I turn and power-walk-slash-run back to the hut I share with Dawn.
I grab my bag and a digging stick, and head out, skirting far around the main part of the settlement and moving to the far side of the beach, where I can take one of the many steep, winding paths up to the hills.
As I do, I run into Steph and Harlow, their children clustered around them. "We were just going herb hunting," Steph says, showing off a digging stick that matches mine. "Are you doing the same? We could always use another set of hands."
I'm trapped. Trapped all around. I grit my teeth and smile brightly. "Herb hunting is exactly what I was going to do."