Chapter 32 – “Fix You” - Coldplay #2
It was right after Elena moved home. I needed air and space and open sky to come to terms with the fact that I was going to be sharing this town with her again.
That I was at risk of running into her, of seeing her face, of being pelted by memories and gutted by the reminder that she is, in fact, real.
I couldn’t handle it back then, after not seeing her for so long.
So, I ran.
I ran until I ended up in the place that used to belong to the two of us. I was distraught to find that it was being made into housing. That someday, someone else would own the slice of land that once was my haven.
My friend Tyler, and the owner of the development company, happened to be onsite at the time, and after I told him that it used to be a place I liked to come to read, draw, and stargaze, he gave me the code to return. I never did.
Not until now.
It was never meant to be my spot; it was always meant to be ours.
And soon enough, it won’t be, but for tonight, maybe it can save us.
“Are we going to the old spot?” Elena turns to me, eyes still brimming with tears, nose still red, and lips swollen. “I thought it wasn’t there anymore. My dad has been complaining about all the construction they’re doing up here.”
“There is, but I know a guy.” I force a smile, trying to hide my own trepidation.
I pull up to the fence and hop out, punching in the code on the lockbox before taking out the key, unlocking the gate, and sliding it open.
I drive through before getting back out to re-lock it so I can ensure we aren’t disturbed.
The sun is just beginning to set in the distance, and with the lot being locked and vacant, I assume all the workers have left for the evening.
I drive past the winding rows of new houses, taking us to the highest point of the cliffside, where construction hasn’t quite yet started.
Still located behind the fence line of the original neighborhood we used to sneak through to get up here, there is a large, vacant corner lot that spans out to the cliff’s edge, and the sparkling ocean beyond it.
I back my Bronco in so that the bed of it faces the horizon before killing the ignition. Elena looks at me hesitantly, and I squeeze her thigh, nodding behind me. “C’mon, Little Vice. Grab the snacks.”
I get out of the truck, walking to the back and opening my tailgate before lifting the compartment inside to pull out a large beach towel and a picnic blanket that I keep stashed inside. I lower the back seats before laying the towel down over the tailgate, then motion for Elena to get inside.
She still looks unsure but doesn’t say anything as she climbs atop the tailgate and crawls inside, resting against the back of the front seats. I follow her movements, throwing my arm around her and tugging her head against my chest.
The view is damn-near perfect. The knoll expands in front of us, where I imagine the backyard of the future home on this lot will be.
Beyond it is the Pacific. Vast and unending.
The sun isn’t quite flushed with the water yet, still hovering just above it, slightly to the left of where we’re facing.
It casts the water in glittering gold, and a temperate breeze flutters around us, causing the grass and the wild violets within it to dance.
We sit in silence for some time. I know she spends much of it silently crying out the pain she endured earlier today, and I let her do so without interruption, because I know it’s what she needs to process.
Every so often a sniffle vibrates against my chest, or my shirt sticks to my skin, wet with tears.
I don’t bother her, though. I know she’ll speak when she’s ready.
The sun slowly sinks past the horizon, like the water is swallowing it whole. The lower it goes, the darker the sky becomes, morphing from shades of blue to pink and orange, before twilight takes over and the deep shades of indigo and lavender arise, stars glittering overhead.
“Why’d you want to come here?” Elena whispers.
I figured that question was coming, and I’ve taken the time to think it through, so words flow easily from my mouth when I say, “I fell in love with you instantly. The moment I saw you. Right in front of my childhood home, at eleven years old, I knew then that I’d never love someone else.
“But your love for me grew slowly. Over years, and trust, and patience. It took time for you to see me in the light I always dreamed you would. I know a big part of that is because you fell for him first, and I know that is the foundation for much of your guilt. If only you’d loved me first, right?
” I whisper against the top of her head.
She nods.
“I want you to know that I don’t see it that way.
No matter what you think, no matter what anyone else thinks, or what venom they spew your direction, it doesn’t change anything for me.
It doesn’t change what happened, and it doesn’t minimize the love you had for him—or he for you.
If you hadn’t loved him, he wouldn’t magically still be here.
The world doesn’t work like that, no matter how much you convince yourself it does.
I don’t know the reason for all of it. Maybe I’ll find out when I die, or maybe I’ll never know at all, but for some reason he was meant to leave when he did.
I think whatever force makes those types of decisions knew that already, and wanted to make sure he got to experience that kind of love before he went. ”
She inhales, breath picking up at my words.
I lift her head away from my chest, grasping her face and turning her to face me.
“Your love is a gift. To him. To me. I hate the reality where he left us, and I wish that he was here, but in every single reality that exists, it was meant to be you and me, Elena.”
She blinks, and the tears welling in her eyes flow over, streaming down her cheeks.
I catch them with my thumbs and wipe them away, continuing.
“I loved you immediately, and you loved me slowly, but that’s okay.
It doesn’t change anything. Not for me.” Her eyes fall shut, and the exhale that leaves her lips is one of solace.
“You fell in love with me right here, in this place. I picked you violets from this grass and kissed you for the first time against a sunset just like this one. So much has changed since those days and right now, but the sun still falls into the ocean, and the stars still circle above our heads, and I still love you. I need you to be reminded of that when you feel you are to blame, when you’re being swallowed by your guilt—I’m as steady as the sunset and the stars and the wild violets. I love you.”
Her bottom lip trembles, and as her eyes open, the last remnants of the sinking sun glow against her, causing them to catch fire. Molten amber and liquid caramel stare back at me through those eyes—the most beautiful thing in existence.
“August.” She sighs, lifting her hands to place them over mine where they hold her cheeks. “I…”
“You don’t have to say it back right now. I know your heart.” I bring her forehead to my mouth, pressing my lips against her skin. “I feel your soul. The words don’t change anything. I’m still steady.”
“It’s not that,” she whispers. “I want to, but I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what, my chaos?”
“My love is cursed,” she murmurs, lifting her head as her gaze locks on mine. “I say the words, and people tend to die.”
“Elena,” I rasp, shaking my head. “Every person who’s ever died did so being loved by someone else. Does that mean it’s all cursed?”
“I don’t know.”
I take a deep breath, leaning against the back of the passenger seat and sliding my hands down her body until they reach her hips. I move her to straddle me, and she follows my movements until her legs rest on either side of mine, and her hands hold my shoulders.
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, I say, “I don’t think you’re afraid of love, Elena. I think you’re afraid of the inconsistency of it.”
She tilts her head with perplexity. “What do you mean?”
“You know with certainty that you are loved by your brothers. By your parents. If you lost them tomorrow, as devastating as it would be, you would know they left loving you.
“You didn’t have that with Zach. His love was inconsistent. It was always a question. You don’t know if he loved you when he died. You don’t know if he ever loved you at all.”
Her breath hitches, eyes glossing over as the realization settles in.
I don’t know the full extent of whatever conversation they had on his final day, but I do know that he showed up to her apartment the night before, after going out drinking with her brothers. I know that the next morning, he came to me in a rage after finding out we’d chosen each other.
If I had to guess, he went after Elena that night in an attempt at getting her back, and she told him it was too late. If I had to guess, they likely spat the kind of venom only they were capable of poisoning each other with. He admitted he said some things to her he’d live to regret.
Like my final moments with him, there was no closure, and no resolution. At surface level, it was disdain and fury for all of us, and I may be the only other person on the planet that has some understanding of the burden that she carries.
“No.” She swallows, breath rattling. “It wasn’t a question. I know exactly how he felt.” My stomach drops at the hopeless tone in her voice. “The last words he said to me were: ‘You are impossible to love.’”
That sinking sensation inside me plummets further, desolation icing my veins.
“Oh, Elena,” I whisper, grabbing her face again.
“He didn’t mean it. You know that, right?
” I press her forehead against mine, aligning our gazes so she can see the conviction in my eyes.
“He told me he said some things he’d come to regret, and I know with certainty, he was referring to exactly that. ”
She closes her eyes, shaking her head against mine. “I said something even worse.”
“You can tell me, baby. Tell me what’s been hurting you so I can fix it.”
She takes a shuddering inhale, as if in physical pain at the memory. “I told him I wished he’d leave again. That I wished he wouldn’t return.”
It’s like a blow to the chest, realizing all the anger and hurt of that day. The way we all damaged each other. One gone sinking with their rage, and two left behind to carry the weight of the blame.
“I said terrible things too. We all hurt each other, and he’d feel this pain if the roles had been reversed, so I have to believe that wherever he is now, he’s empathizing with us.
“We never saw what was coming. We didn’t know the weight the words would hold, but he’d already forgiven us by the time it was said and done.”
“There’s no way to know for sure, though, is there?”
I shake my head against hers, gripping the base of her neck to hold her against me. To keep her feet on the ground and her heart on the earth. Like atmosphere and gravity.
“Let me tell you what I do know,” I whisper. “I love you, Elena.
“I love you as a person. I love you as a woman. I love you as a friend. I love you when you’re near me and when you’re far away.
I’ve loved you when you didn’t love me back.
I’ve loved you when I wish I hated you.” Tears fall from her cheeks, and I kiss them away with every confession.
“You’re ingrained into the fabric of my being.
Your name is carved into my bones and etched across my soul.
There is not a reality that I exist in where I don’t love you.
I’ll never leave it up for debate, I’ll never allow you to question it.
I will never be apart from you without it being clear.
“I love you when I’m living, and I’ll love you when I’m dead.
I loved you when you were my best friend.
I loved you when I watched you love someone else.
I loved you when you were my enemy and my bad habit and my vice.
There is no sin you could commit, no mistake you could make.
I’ll keep loving you through every single falter in your steps forward, even if it means you’re walking away. ”
Her entire body trembles in my arms, and I feel her lips quivering against my chin as I continue to kiss away her tears.
I feel them on my flesh as they move with the words she speaks.
“I’m not walking away. I can’t anymore. I don’t think I deserve you, and I don’t think I can be convinced, but I’m too selfish to let you go. ”
“Good,” I rasp, eyes locking on her lips. “Be selfish. Let me be yours.”
“I don’t know if I know how to love someone anymore. I don’t even know how to love myself.” Her bottom lip slips beneath her teeth as she studies my face, dragging a hand up my neck and cupping my jaw. “I don’t know how to say the words.”
“I don’t need them,” I whisper. “I feel them in every brush of our skin. Every kiss.” I press my lips to her jaw. “Every sweet moan of my name that leaves your mouth. You can show me your love, Elena. I’ll cherish it all the same. I’ll teach you to love yourself again, too.”
I run my hand down her neck and over the center of her chest, until it rests atop her pounding heart. I feel the rhythm of it against my palm, steady and rapid and all-consuming.
“You touch me like my skin heals your soul wounds,” she whispers.
“It does.” I raise my eyes to meet hers, allowing the conviction in my soul to blaze through. Allowing her to see and sense and feel the raw fervor in my gaze, knowing that she needs confirmation beyond words. “Let mine heal you too.”