Chapter Three Deacon
As I paced around the rainbow-themed waiting room, I’d never wanted a cigarette more in my life.
Whenever I thought about ducking out to catch a smoke, I feared it would be the minute the kiddie shrink would come back out to talk to me.
Nothing screamed “neglectful father” like choosing a smoke break over your kid.
Since Willow had come to live with me three weeks ago, I’d restricted myself to only smoking outdoors to reduce her risk of second hand smoke. While I’d like to say it had been my idea, Rev had broached the topic with me.
With all the suggestions he’d been making, you would’ve thought he had like five kids or some shit. I mean, I expected Case to give me advice since he did have a house-full or some of the other guys. But most of those guys deferred to their women when it came to shit with the kids.
And dammit if Rev wasn’t a fucking natural with Willow.
I couldn’t help being envious of how easy playing or making conversation with her came to him.
I wracked my fucking brain for each and every comment I made.
Sometimes so hard I thought I’d get an aneurysm. I wondered if it would ever get easier.
Of course, Willow had immediately taken to Rev despite her intense fear of men. His calm, kind demeanor always attracted kids. He’d helped me paint her new bedroom and assemble her new princess bed.
As much as she seemed to adore Rev, and sometimes Bishop, she still wasn’t talking much. It bothered me even more when I learned she’d spoken to her new teacher the minute she met her. Something about how the woman reminded Willow of the ratty angel ornament she refused to give up.
That fucking angel doll.
The first time I’d tried taking it from Willow had been a fucking disaster. Mama Liz and I made a trip to Walmart to get her everything from new clothes to toothpaste. While Mama Liz dealt with panties and pajamas, I’d taken her over to the toy section.
Feeling like Father of the Year, I motioned to the shelves. “You can pick whatever you want.”
Willow’s tiny brows had shot so far up they’d disappeared into her hairline. At her questioning look, I replied, “Doesn’t matter how much it is. You can have it.”
After scanning the shelves for what felt like an eternity, Willow finally decided on a dark-haired princess doll in white. Since she couldn’t hold the new one and the angel doll in her hands at the same time, I took the old one from her. “We can toss this old thing away now.”
Willow’s face crumpled. The keening cry that escaped her lips chilled me to the bone. She then dropped to the ground and rolled into a fetal position while sobbing.
“Fuck,” I muttered as two mothers down the row turned to stare in wide-eyed horror.
Although I wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there, I didn’t pussy out. Instead, I knelt down beside Willow. “Shh,” I murmured. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry I tried to take your doll. You can keep it,”
When Willow remained crying, I jerked a hand through my hair and in desperation debated calling Mama Liz. Instead, I reached out and pulled her into my arms.
To my surprise, Willow didn’t fight me. Instead, she molded herself against my chest. Although she seemed content, she continued to cry.
“Come on, Willow. Give me a break. I made a fucking mistake, okay? I’m going to do that a lot when it comes to you because I don’t have a clue about being a dad.
But cut me some slack cause I am trying my best.”
Willow peered up at me. Maybe it was my words or the look of absolute desperation on my face, but something broke through to her. Her sobs quieted while her tears dried up. I don’t know how long we stayed there on the floor with me rubbing wide circles over her back.
Finally, she wiggled out of my arms and got to her feet. After tucking the ratty angel doll under her arm, she grabbed the box with the new doll. “I can carry both,” she pronounced.
I blinked at her in disbelief. Considering I’d been told she didn’t talk, I’d never expected to get a full sentence from her. To say I was floored was an understatement.
Rising off the floor, I nodded. “You sure can.”
And then I’d power-walked her back over to Mama Liz before making a beeline outside to smoke. I’d needed one then just as much as I needed one now.
Despite Willow’s desperate need for therapy, we’d been forced to wait three weeks for an appointment. Then the only reason we’d gotten in that soon is because our club doctor, Robert “Breakneck” Edgeway, had pulled some strings.
But like my doll buying experience, Willow’s first therapy appointment had been a disaster. The moment Willow saw the doctor she froze. With his salt and pepper beard and middle-aged bulge, he didn’t appear menacing to me.
To Willow, he was evil in the flesh.
She’d gripped my arm so hard that she’d left fingertip bruises.
Thankfully, the doctor recognized her distress and had been kind.
He’d deduced that there was something about him that reminded Willow of someone who had hurt her in the past. I wondered if I should take his photo to show the cops to give them a lead on what Lacey’s killer might look like.
He had graciously worked to get Willow an appointment with a colleague of his. Today when Willow had gotten a look at the motherly-looking doctor with dark hair, she had gone willingly.
Mama Liz’s voice brought me out of my thoughts and my pacing. “David?”
“What?”
“Why don’t you sit down?”
“Can’t,” I grunted.
Mama Liz sighed. “Getting yourself all worked up won’t help Willow in the long run,” she reasoned.
If it had been my brothers or club members, I would’ve told them to fuck off.
But I would never, ever be that disrespectful to Mama Liz.
Just like she’d been the best fucking mother to me, she’d stepped up to the plate for Willow.
She was mother and grandmother all in one.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without her the last couple of weeks.
To appease her, I flopped down next to her. If the anxious shaking of my leg annoyed her, she didn’t say.
“Talk to me,” she urged.
I grunted. I’d never been one to share my feelings. I didn’t want anyone too close.
Not even her.
Now that I was a father, I knew that shit had to change. I was going to have to open up to let Willow in.
“I feel so fucking helpless,” I admitted.
Mama Liz gave me a gentle smile. “Welcome to parenthood.”
“Seriously?”
She laughed. “You’ll be experiencing that feeling for the rest of your life.”
“You suck at pep talks,” I mused.
“I just wanted to be honest.”
“One day I’ll appreciate that. But today…” I ran a hand over my face. “I need more.
The moment the door opened I shot to my feet. I was halfway across the waiting room before Dr. Medina could call my name. Glancing between Willow and the doctor, both wore easy smiles, which caused a relieved breath to whoosh from my lips.
“Willow, is it okay if I talk to your dad now?” Dr. Medina asked.
After bobbing her head, Willow ran over to climb into Mama Liz’s lap. With a wave of her hand, I followed Dr. Medina passed the reception door and into her outer office where a receptionist sat.
Once we were in her office, she motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs across from her desk. At my hesitation, she smiled. “You don’t have to sit, Mr. Malloy.”
“Guess you can tell I’m nervous, huh?”
“Yes. I can.” Instead of sitting at her desk, she leaned against the edge. “I hope you know your feelings are warranted considering Willow’s history and yours with her.”
With a quick nod of acknowledgement, I asked, “So…is she fixable?”
“Do you think she is?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Don’t do that shrink shit on me.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to have to.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“To facilitate ‘fixing’ Willow, as you put it, I’m going to need you to do therapy sessions with her.”
The walls of the office began to close in on me at her words. There was no way in hell I could share my past with the doctor. Despite client/doctor privilege, I couldn’t trust her.
After crossing her arms over her chest, Dr. Medina said, “I’m not asking you to share your past and present with me, Mr. Malloy.”
“You sure about that?”
She nodded. “As a child psychologist, you’re outside my realm of practice.”
Immense relief ricocheted through. “Fine. If it will help Willow, I’ll do it.”
After pushing off the desk, she came over to stand in front of me. “Willow is very lucky to have such a caring father.”
Scowling I replied, “Lucky is the last word I’d use.”
“You’re too hard on yourself.” At the doubt in my expression, she said, “The only person that truly matters gives you a very good report.”
My brows shot up in surprise. “She told you she liked me?”
“Not in words.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” I mused.
She leaned over to grab a drawing off the table before handing it to me. “What do you notice about this picture?”
There were three big figures in the center of the paper. Two of them were bigger than one of the other. Off to the side there were two medium sized figures and then in the corner there was another big figure.
With its dark hair and big smile, it didn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to realize it was Willow’s teacher. I fought to roll my eyes. Of course she’d made her a central figure. She’d even made a small black blob to represent the service dog Mama Liz had told me about.
I realized that the others with their blond and brown hair were Rev and Bishop. The other larger figure with an apron on was Mama Liz.
My gaze was drawn back to the big figures in the center. All the air in the room sucked out as I stared harder at the picture. It was Willow and me. A crudely drawn arm from my figure was wrapped around Willow protectively.
As my heart twisted in my chest, I ground my teeth as tears pricked my eyelids. At the feel of Dr. Medina’s arm on my shoulder, I jerked my gaze up. She gave me a reassuring smile. “You’ve been ‘fixing’ Willow all this time, and you didn’t even realize it.”
After a lengthy conversation with Dr. Medina, I exited her office feeling about ten pounds emotionally lighter. At Mama Liz’s expectant look, I gave her a reassuring smile. Relief flooded her expression as she pushed Willow to her feet.
As we started out of the office, I reached for Willow’s hand. “I’m proud of you.”
She cocked her head to gaze up at me. From her furrowed brows, I could tell that word wasn’t one she was used to hearing. I fought the urge to throw back my head and scream in anger at Lacey. I didn’t think I could ever forgive her for abusing Willow.
“What you did today was scary—even for a man like me. But you did such a good job.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “So, yeah, I’m proud of you.”
A smile curved on Willow’s lips. When she squeezed my hand, my heart beat a little faster. With a smile, I turned to Mama Liz. “I think Willow’s earned a reward.”
Tears shimmered her eyes. “Has she?”
I nodded as we got on the elevator. “Yep. I think she has.”
Since my brothers and Mama Liz had been notoriously spoiling Willow, I decided it was my time. Gazing down at her, I asked, “What do you think, kid? What do you want for your reward?’
Willow barely missed a beat before replying, “A dog.”
“You want a dog?”
She nodded. “Black like Atticus.”
As the elevator reached the ground floor, I said, “You know Case’s dog has just had puppies. They’re not labs, but they sure are cute.” At Willow’s curiosity, I said, “I’m pretty sure there’s a black one.”
Willow began to bounce excitedly on her feet. “Can we go now?”
Pride echoed through me that I was the one to put that happiness on her face. “Sure. Let’s go.”
On the way, I texted Case to let him know we were coming to get a puppy. At his response, I replied, “Case says the black puppy is a boy. Do you still want him?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Are you sure? You can’t dress up boy dogs like you can girl dogs,” I argued. I knew he had several silver ones in the litter who were beautiful.
“I can dress him in sweaters and bow ties,” Willow reasoned, causing Mama Liz to laugh.
“Whatever,” I muttered.
As we turned down our street, Mama Liz said, “What are you going to name him?”
“Walter.”
I snorted. “Where the hell did you get that name?”
“Mr. Walter lived down the hall from me. He used to come into Mrs. Martinez’s apartment for flan.” Lowering her voice, she said, “I think he was her boyfriend, but they just pretended to be good friends.”
With a laugh, I replied, “I see.”
“Sometimes I wished he was Mommy’s boyfriend because he always treated me nicer than hers did.”
A low growl came from the back of my throat. If I could track down each and every one of Lacey’s former boyfriends, I would put them in the ground for hurting Willow.
“David,” Mama Liz cautioned.
To change the subject, I said, “Then I think we should honor Mr. Walter by naming a fine specimen of dog after him.”
I’d barely put the truck in park when Willow bolted out and started running up Case’s driveway. I didn’t even try to yell at her to come back. She’d shied away from most of the other men in the club.
Until today.
With each and every day, Willow was embracing her new life. And that fact made me so fucking happy.