Chapter 24
Stella
I stare into oblivion, twirling the daggers in my hands, the blades cutting the air with every restless flick of my wrist. I should be practicing, training, putting in some kind of sweat, but instead I’m just staring at the dark outline of a figure, its black-hole emptiness far too similar to mine.
“Are you going to throw those things eventually or are you just going to stand there watching the day go by?” my dad, Dom, asks as he walks into the barn, alerting me that I’m no longer alone.
“I was just taking a breather,” I say on autopilot, my eyes still fixed on the black silhouette a few feet away from me.
“A breather, huh?” he says, pulling up a Pilates ball and sitting on it, bouncing a little as he tries to find his balance.
Before, I would have laughed at such a ridiculous image.
But not now.
Now I don’t laugh. I don’t think I’ve even cracked a smile in months.
“Is this nerves?” my father probes in his usual calm way.
“You mean about graduating tomorrow? No. It’s not nerves.” I shake my head.
“I was referring to your induction.”
“Oh.” I mumble. “I forgot about that.”
“You forgot?” He arches a blond brow and gets back on his feet. “Now I know I should be worried.”
I don’t even have it in me to tell him not to be. That I’m fine. That I’m hunky-fucking-dory. Because the truth is, I’m not. I haven’t been fine since the day I broke Kirill’s heart.
Since the day I broke mine too.
I thought pushing him away would have been harder.
That me telling him it was over between us would somehow slip his mind and he’d just call the next day with some cocky remark.
But Kirill hasn’t called me. Hasn’t even sent me a text.
Even with me working at the riverboat almost every day, he always manages not to be there, leaving Kostya to deal with me instead.
Kostya doesn’t mention him either, not that I ask, but the scathing glares he gives me are enough to make me rush through my tasks, double-checking that no Outfit penny has been touched or stolen, just so I can get my ass out of there.
Then I come home.
I come home to my loving family, whose worried gazes linger on me as if they don’t know what to do with me either.
I’ve heard their whispered words when they think I’m out of earshot.
How they believe that Kirill must be the culprit to my melancholy.
How they quickly came to that conclusion is beyond me, but neither seemed surprised by it either.
I try not to show them how damaged I am, how absolutely heartbroken I feel.
But when the pretending gets to be too much, I come here to this makeshift gym and stare into oblivion.
I stare into nothingness until I feel it envelop me, its coldness almost a welcome relief from the numbness I feel every day.
“Stella? Did you hear me?” Dom asks, placing a tentative hand on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry. Were you talking?”
His brows pinch together in sadness.
“Was it him? Did he do this to you?” When fury flashes in the blue of my dad’s eyes, I know exactly who he means.
The old Stella would refute it. Would spin some lie about not knowing who my father could possibly be referring to.
This Stella… the one standing before him now… has no such energy to deny it.
“No, Dad. Kill didn’t do anything. I did this. Me. Only me.”
The creases in his forehead only deepen as I turn around and sling my blades into the silhouette, both finding their target at the very center of where a heart should be. How fucking tragic.
“I’m tired. I’m going to bed,” I say, shoulders slumped as I walk past him.
“It’s five in the afternoon, my little firecracker. Just five,” he says, like those words should mean something to me.
They don’t.
Nothing means anything anymore.
“I need a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow is a big day.”
He nods reluctantly and watches me walk away, knowing that his daughter isn’t anywhere in the vicinity. Only the ghost of her remains.
I walk back into the house, grateful that no one is there for me to keep up pretenses. Today, I’m in no mood for them.
Tomorrow, though… I won’t have that luxury. My melancholy has to take a back seat to what’s expected of me. Before the ceremony, my father will introduce me to the bosses of all the families, not as his daughter, but as the next Capo set to be initiated into the famiglia.
Tomorrow all my dreams will come true, and yet I can’t enjoy it. Not really. Not when a hole has been carved out of my chest. Not when there’s no more color in my world and everything has turned a dull gray.
I miss black.
Black is honest.
Black is warm and inviting.
Black is heat and passion.
Black is love.
I don’t get to have black anymore. Only gray. Dull, unfeeling gray.
When I get into my room, I don’t even bother getting out of my workout clothes. I just slide into bed and pull the covers over my head. And that’s how I stay for hours. I just lie there in silence.
Maybe when I pull the covers down, I’ll look out the window and see a merciful star in the night sky looking down on me, twinkling as a reminder that at least I had one good month with the man I love.
One beautiful, incandescent month up at the lake house.
Nights filled with passion and long, lingering kisses.
Nights when dark eyes shone only for me.
Most people don’t even get one good month with the person they love, so I guess I’m fortunate that I got at least that.
One month of happiness should surely be enough to sustain me for the rest of my life, right?
But even I know that’s a lie. Just one of the many I tell myself.
Starting with the idea that maybe Kirill has forgotten about me already. Maybe he’s moved on, just like I wanted him to. But again, I’m nothing more than a liar. If Kirill wasn’t still hurting, he would’ve shown his face at the riverboat by now.
No. To see me would be torture for him. Especially if he saw me like this, all broken and twisted up inside.
Tomorrow I’ll put my mask back on. Tomorrow I’ll be the Stella everyone expects me to be.
I’ll give myself just this night. Just one more night to wallow in my misery.
But when the sun comes up tomorrow and the Salvatore mansion fills with my father’s guests, I’ll put on my mask and let everyone see that the Stella who was worthy of being inducted is alive and well.
That she will thrive now that she’s made. That she will once again be… happy.
Even if it’s all a lie.
Even if inside I’m dying.
Even if that Stella no longer exists.
These are the thoughts ruminating in my mind when I hear the door to my bedroom creak open.
“Anna,” I call out from under the covers, wondering if my sister is back from working at the soup kitchen. “Is that you?”
“It’s me, piccolina,” I hear my mother whisper as she slowly pulls the covers away from my face, a new line of worry etched around her eyes.
Before greeting her, I quickly throw a glance out the window and see nothing but a starless sky. My stomach drops instantly.
“Hi, Mom.”
She smiles at me lovingly, then looks down at my bed.
“Are you too old for me to slip inside with you?”
I answer by lifting the covers. She quickly kicks off her heels before sliding in beside me. I don’t know why I do it, but I rest my head on her lap, as she leans her back against the headboard. Her fingers immediately find my hair, brushing through each strand with soft, motherly affection.
“May I ask you something?”
My body tenses, and she feels it instantly.
“I promise it’s not about Ki—” she stops herself and breathes. “I mean… can I ask you for a favor?”
“A favor?”
“Mhm.” She nods, gifting me a warm smile. “Tomorrow is a big day, Stella. A huge accomplishment for you, being the first woman to ever take the omertà, and I was wondering…” She trails off, suddenly looking nervous.
“What were you wondering?” I raise a brow, tilting my head back to look at her.
“Well, I was wondering…if you’ll allow it, that is…well…if it would be okay if I… if I came to your ceremony?”
“You want to be at the ceremony?” I echo, completely floored.
“Yes. Very much. Is that… is that okay?”
I swallow dryly, staring at my mother as if she’s just grown a second head.
“But I thought you were against it? That you didn’t want this life for me?”
“May we speak frankly? Be honest with our feelings for a little bit?”
I nod.
“I think that you’ve reached a point in your life where you might understand my reasoning better.
Why your ambitions have always frightened me.
Any loving mother would fear their child choosing a life like this.
I love you all with my whole heart, and the thought of losing any of you…
” Her voice breaks. “Well… that is a pain no mother should ever face. No wife, either.”
Tears begin to sting my eyes as I suddenly put myself in my mother’s shoes.
“So all this time… it wasn’t because you didn’t understand me, or wanted me to be more like Anna? It was just because…you were afraid for me?”
“I would’ve thought you’d come to that realization long ago, me being the overprotective mother that I am. And why would I ever want you to be more like your sister? You are perfect just the way you are.”
I shake my head to keep my tears at bay as everything finally clicks into place.
“I didn’t understand… back then. I was just so angry at you for always placing obstacles in my path. I couldn’t comprehend why you would want to steal my dreams from me.”