16. ~Julian~
16
~Julian~
They were walking on eggshells.
And they were trying to act like they weren’t actually doing so.
It was all very… complicated. And awkward as shit.
Jesus.
I’d thought it might have lessened a little over the last several days since I’d been discharged from the hospital and staying at Charon Manor again, that they’d calm down and ease into it where I was concerned.
But they hadn’t.
The three of them were tense too, outside of what had happened to me being factored in.
Something had gone down.
Some shit had hit the fan in a major way.
I suspected it was related to whatever the three of them had needed to do in order to get me out of that hellhole. There had been a price. Nico had dismissed it when I’d asked him at the hospital, obviously not wanting to stress me out. But the fact that he still hadn’t brought it up, that none of them had, was now doing the opposite and stressing me out in a big way.
Because they were cutting me out.
I knew they were just trying to do what they thought was best for me, to keep everything light and fluffy, but that wasn’t the life we led, and it wasn’t us. There was a powerful undertone of darkness and danger present for us.
As fucked-up as it was, without that, it wasn’t… real. It felt fake.
Worse, it didn’t feel normal.
And feeling like that was one of the worst things for me right now.
I didn’t want to feel… wrong.
Not like me.
Like I was damaged.
Like he’d managed to damage me, like he’d actually won out.
“Please.”
“Say it. Say it again.”
I shuddered as the memory of uttering that one word played on my mind, coming to the fucking forefront once again.
It had been so much more than a word.
It had been me giving Angelo want he’d wanted.
Giving in.
Cracking.
“Mmm, yes, you’ll break for me so beautifully.”
Was that what had happened?
Had he actually succeeded?
Had I actually failed to hold out?
I thought I’d been delirious at the time, but I still remembered saying that word, begging him like that. According to my doctor and Milo, I’d been really sick, really fucked-up. But did that matter? I’d still given in, hadn’t I?
I’d only uttered those words to get him to stop.
He’d tried to skew it into making me believe I’d actually been begging him to fuck me, when I’d really been desperate for him to stop torturing me, to end the whole twisted thing.
“I want you to know it’s me who did this to you. I want you to feel every moment of it and have it ingrained deep down, so you’ll never be able to fucking forget that I made you my little bitch.”
Gritting my teeth, I closed the lid of my laptop after getting up at the crack of dawn to deal with Carver Group business. My mind hadn’t been as clear as I would have liked, so it had taken longer than it normally would have to see to things. It had been a struggle, actually.
I’d been telling myself that it was the painkillers and my body needing longer to heal. And maybe it was partially, but there was also definitely an element to it that wasn’t just physical.
An element I was having trouble acknowledging.
Just like I didn’t want to acknowledge him in those flashes.
That was what he wanted. What he’d even said repeatedly that he’d wanted to do to me. To have what he’d subjected me to ingrained in me deep down so I wouldn’t be able to forget it.
Worse, so he could control, taunt, and torture me even though I was no longer there in that hellhole with him.
I grabbed my cane and pushed to my feet.
It was a flashy thing—just my style—that Cat had got for me. My favorite cobalt-blue covered in a whole lot of glitz and glitter and even boasting a gold handle that was jeweled. She’d gone all out with it and it made me smile whenever I looked at it or walked around with it.
Milo had also gone all out by working his ass off to get me a replica of my pimped out Harley made after it had been totaled in that crash. He’d been on the phone to parts suppliers and mechanics for days on end.
And Nico had also pulled out all the stops by basically converting one of his living rooms—his favorite one at that—into a suite for me. He’d brought in a ton of things. A bed, a portable closet, a freaking gaming system, mountains of books and DVDs, an epic flatscreen TV. This room was even right next door to the big ground floor bathroom that had the Jacuzzi tub inside it, along with a waterfall shower. It meant I didn’t have to walk up any stairs while I still wasn’t the best on my feet.
Like I said, all of them walking on eggshells.
It was sweet; I knew that.
Loving and beyond caring. So thoughtful.
But I couldn’t take another moment of it, of being treated like I was a victim, like I needed the special treatment, like I was fragile.
I didn’t want this to impact me like it had before when my father had… done what he had.
I couldn’t go through that again.
I couldn’t allow it to infect me the way it had last time around.
It had taken so long to even begin to move past it.
It felt like I’d be back to square one in a sense if I registered what had been done to me by Angelo on the same level as that.
That was what had become brutally apparent to me during my back-to-back sessions with Doctor Roslynn Williams, the same therapist I’d seen regarding my past… issues.
When I’d asked Nico to bring her in, I’d thought dealing with it head on with no waiting had been the best way to go, because I’d just wanted it over. I’d wanted to hurry through it, I guess, move beyond it as quickly as possible, and get back to me.
But it was just dredging up everything. Even the stuff with my father. As if I hadn’t worked so fucking hard to bury that over the years, now it was rising back up. It had caused me to have flashes of the things Angelo had done to me, some things that I hadn’t even remembered at first because I’d been in a delirious state or something from the sickness I’d suffered as a result of the crash injuries I’d sustained.
Just as I was heading for the living room door, Cat burst in.
Or back in.
The three of them had been taking shifts with me, making sure I wasn’t left alone for even a moment.
But then Nico’s doctor had shown up to check her out, so she’d had to step out for the last little while. She’d accepted that I’d be fine when I’d told her I’d needed to finish up dealing with Carver Group business.
Milo or Nico hadn’t been able to take over because they weren’t home right now. They’d headed out on Marchetti business . Whatever that meant these days. And they hadn’t told me either.
More of them keeping things from me.
Maybe I was reading too much into it because I’d noticed the tension coming off them. Maybe it was just par for the course, general day-to-day business that Nico, as Capo, was dealing with, running his territory and all of that. I mean, things had calmed down since the Lone Gunners had attacked the wedding, so maybe things were going back to normal. Or whatever normal meant with them now allied with the Leones.
“Hey, do you need something?” Cat asked me, taking in the fact that I was standing with my cane and about to head on out of the room. “What can I do?”
“You can tell me how it went with the doctor.”
“Oh, it’s all fine, just as I insisted to Nico.”
“Well, you did manage to push it off for quite a while,” I said, grinning at her. She definitely had an impact on him, even able to get him to change his mind on certain things and to reconsider things he normally would have been entrenched in doing his way.
“Yeah,” she murmured.
“So you’re really okay?” Milo had at least told me about her dizzy spells and the vomiting.
“Right. Fine,” she murmured again, this time with a faraway look in her emerald eyes.
Something was off.
Or was I misreading her because I was off my game, maybe?
“You don’t like doctors? Was that why you resisted being checked out?”
“No, it’s not that. There was just a lot going on, so it wasn’t really a priority.”
“It’s about looking weak, huh? And even feeling weak, too?”
“Something like that, yeah.”
I smiled. “You’ve come a long way, you know that?”
“I have?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Admitting to that. You wouldn’t have a few months back. You would have completely denied it and anything you were feeling. I’m happy you feel safe to do that now. I’m glad you’ve found that in us. You were alone for so long. I mean, you were doing your thing amazingly well, but not having anyone in your corner… that was brutal.”
“Yeah, despite how insane things are, in some ways, they are better. Definitely where the three of you are concerned. I didn’t think I’d be able to function well as a part of a team, but it’s really grown on me.” She smiled. “In fact, I can’t imagine it being any other way now.”
I reached out and took her hand. “We can’t imagine it being any other way either, darlin’.”
I saw her try to conceal her surprise that I was making physical contact.
It was the first time I’d touched any one of them since that hellhole.
The urge to pull back was there.
But I didn’t let it rule me.
I kept hold of her hand, even stroking her fingers, my gaze focused on her to ram it home to my brain that it was her I was connecting with.
“You know, the night we went out riding, before the crash, I was actually planning on telling you something. The guys as well once they’d come back from that attack on Nico’s shipment.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s well-established that I’m a thrill seeker.”
“Definitely,” she said, looking nervous.
Probably because I didn’t look like I was in any state to see to that right about now.
That nervousness escalated as I went on, “And that included sex. Some may call me a sex addict. Whether I am or I’m not, the fact is I’ve always needed a lot of it and a whole lot of intensity along with it. I hadn’t been able to get that from just one person before. Something that was always hard for Milo. But on his end, he couldn’t live up to that because he was focused on his work for the Marchettis, always too distracted to commit to being that person for me. And I’m also a lot to take. But with the four of us coming together, it’s changed things. Having you as a part of it has also brought that intensity I’ve needed. You’ve brought out the wilder and dirtier side of Milo. Jesus, before this, he barely ever got the urge as it was. And when we come together, all four of us, it’s better and more satisfying than anything I’ve ever felt before, even with my activities at Nocturne. As such, I haven’t felt the urge to seek out my Subs, to seek out anyone or anything else for sexual gratification. ” I shifted my weight with my cane. “What I’m trying to say is, that night, I was going to tell you that I don’t want that to be an option anymore. I want to be exclusive. I want it to just be about our foursome. It feels fucked-up thinking about going outside of the four of us now, anyway.”
That sentiment obviously had made what had happened with Angelo even worse, that he’d torn into that, tried to take that away from me, from us. He’d inserted himself where I didn’t want anybody else inserting themselves, just wanting it to be the four of us from here on out.
“That’s lovely,” Cat said, beaming out at me. “It’s going to mean a lot to everyone. And I understand what a big deal it is for you, too.” She eased from my grip on her hand. “Do you think it’s the best idea to be talking about this sort of thing right now, though?”
“Our foursome?”
“The sexual aspect of it.”
There was that walking-on-eggshells thing again.
“Yeah,” I said, stepping closer, right up to her. “I do.”
“Julian—”
“You look sexy as fuck in this,” I said, running my fingers along the bust of her strapless black Layered jumpsuit that was adorned with a crystal belt. Her hair was flowing down in soft waves. She was wearing a pair of her favored Vivier pumps.
She was dressed up again how she always used to be for work to run her Camlann Corporation empire. Before all of this shit had gone down, including everything that had come along with her forced marriage to Nico.
It made me happy to see her as the powerhouse business tycoon that she truly was.
Before the doctor had shown up, she’d been working remotely too, opposite me.
She sucked in an unsteady breath as I trailed my fingers along the tops of her breasts. I saw her swallow hard and force her focus, telling me, “As I was heading back in here, I was hoping you’d be done with Carver Group business for the day so we could get into discussing our partnership plans for expansion.” She wrapped her fingers around my wrist and eased it from her. A gentle smile graced her lips as she said all too carefully, “Let’s see to that, shall we?”
“We can. After.”
“After?”
I pushed into her and brushed my lips over the side of her throat, tracing the fading marks there. “You and Nico certainly like to mark your territory.”
He’d come down the stairs this morning in a rush still buttoning up his shirt, and I’d seen fading scratch marks all over his torso. From a few days ago, something that had clearly happened before I’d been discharged from the hospital. Nothing had happened since, not with Milo included, either. And I knew it was because of me. They didn’t want anything sexual occurring near me or even upstairs, but still in the same house as me. The three of them abstaining wasn’t exactly the best idea right now with how tense they all were.
None of it was the best for any of us.
So I needed to put an end to it.
Fortunately, Cat was here with me.
And as I was touching her, maybe it was the fact that there was no male aggression present, but I didn’t feel unsettled by making contact.
More than that, my cock was reacting very favorably to the teasing touches I was dealing out to her and the way I could feel her responding and wanting to sink into it.
“I need you,” I breathed in her ear.
She moaned and slid her fingers into my hair as I licked her throat, then teased her lips too.
“Julian,” she uttered in the sexiest rasp I’d ever heard, a moment before she opened for me and I slid my tongue into her mouth.
Her nails dug into my scalp as she rose to it, the kiss becoming a burst of passionate fury within moments, a lot of the intensity being driven by my desperation to have her, to have this, to wipe out all the rest.
She suddenly pulled her mouth from mine. “No,” she breathed.
I took that word more seriously than anyone and stepped back immediately.
“I meant, not like this,” she said. “Not that I don’t want to. Of course I do. I’m just concerned.”
“And that’s what I can’t stand,” I ground out with enough edge that it had her tensing, digging my fingers into the handle of my cane. She wasn’t used to aggression coming off me. It wasn’t really my thing. Unless I was provoked.
“You think doing this will numb what happened?”
“Not numb it, per se, But I do think doing this will mean that he wasn’t the last one to touch me, Cat,” I bit back.
She stared at me for several moments, a struggle taking place.
“I want to know I can be with you, be with those I love. I need to be. I need to be me.”
“This… your sexuality… it’s only a part of you. There’s so much more.”
“I know that, but—”
“All right,” she said, suddenly coming to me, then dropping to her knees right in front of me.
“Jesus Christ,” I breathed.
Our gazes clashed as she slowly pulled down my blue satin pajama pants until my cock sprung free.
I was hard as fucking granite under her gaze, and her eyes hooded at the sight. She even licked her pouty lips a little.
I sucked in a breath from the sweet warmth of her hands starting to stroke my thighs.
I kept one hand tightened on my cane and the other I slid into her soft hair. “Yes. Show me that tongue, darlin’.”
She rose to it, her eyes sparking, as she opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue, holding it steady, keeping her mouth wide open.
I pulled my hand from her hair and grasped the base of my cock, then slid it along that wet warmth, stroking her tongue, giving her a taste.
She was submitting to me.
She was actually giving this to me, knowing I needed it this way, reading me so well. It was nice for that to be reversed for once.
And it made me feel… safe.
After she’d gotten me nice and slick, I pulled out, then drove back in deep, making her swallow me whole.
Pleasure shot through me like a beast and my cane shook in my grip as I tried to absorb the intensity of it.
That got a whole lot harder as she started to suck and swallow around my shaft, then swirl her tongue around my crown. “That fucking tongue should be outlawed,” I choked. “Jesus Christ.”
She grinned around her mouthful of cock, her eyes hooded, and she grasped my balls, kneading and even scratching the way I liked.
I plunged in and out of her mouth and she took me so well.
It should’ve been right up there as the best head of my life.
But the pleasure wasn’t building like it should have been. It was just in some sort of stasis.
Frustration set in and I growled.
She drew back, my cock slipping from her mouth. “Fuck my throat.”
“What?”
“Take full control the way I think you need.”
Yeah, that had to be it.
With Caterina, I didn’t do that. We didn’t usually do this outside of a group setting. I wasn’t used to entering that Dom headspace with her, nowhere close to fully anyway. Only when I was feeding off Nico and Milo in the moment.
I was holding back.
And obviously not just because of that.
There was a lot fucking with my mind.
I didn’t want that.
I didn’t want what had happened to take this from me.
I grasped her hair with my free hand, then thrust my cock back into her sweet mouth.
And then I used it as a handle to drive brutally in and out, hitting the back of her throat each time and making her gag.
I felt everything build as I used her and dominated her like a fucking animal, pounding into her mouth, thrusting my hips wildly, and chasing that skyrocketing bliss coursing through me.
“Ungh… Christ, darlin’. Yeah, that’s it. Swallow me.”
Her eyes were shining with moisture, saliva dripping down her chin.
I pulled out roughly, and she choked, gasping for breath.
And then I slammed in deep again, stealing it away in the next second.
Through it all, she took me, took everything I dealt out and there was a spark in her eyes as she did.
Her fingers went wild on my balls, while she dug her nails of her free hand into my thigh.
Everything slammed together and then it happened, ecstasy tore through me, and I came, spurting down her throat and roaring out into the room as it took me over completely, in the best fucking way.
When I pulled out, staggering back a step with my cane, she was there, licking the length of my shaft, then sucking at my crown, her teeth even grazing my piercings as she cleaned off every drop of my cum that still remained.
The moment she rose to her feet grinning at me, I slammed my lips to hers, taking her in an utterly devouring kiss.
When I finally pulled back, raw emotion threatened to take me over as I uttered unsteadily, “Thank you.” I pulled up my pants. “Thank you for giving that to me.”
“Of course.”
“Let me reciprocate,” I said, sliding my hand up her thigh.
She snagged it, stopping me from getting to my target.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t need you to reciprocate.”
“You do know that I can now, yes? It’s been several days, the surgical incision is healed up, STI Panel all clear, and I’m getting stronger every day. I might not be able to bring my full power and stamina to the table, but there’s certainly still a lot that I can do.”
“You shouldn’t, though.”
“What?”
“This… the blowjob was a good start. But anything else—”
“I can handle it,” I snapped.
She jolted at my harshness.
I wasn’t surprised, people weren’t used to that from me.
It wasn’t who I was.
And yet.
Christ, it was him threatening to impact me again.
Clearly, the ways in which that was happening weren’t all obvious.
Being touch-averse for the first couple of days, that made instant sense.
But something like this… it wasn’t as… direct, I guess.
I scrubbed my hand over my face. “I can’t stand this, okay? This from you guys, tiptoeing around me and keeping me out of everything. It makes me feel—”
“Like a victim?”
“Yeah. And like I’m so far from being myself. It’s making it harder for me to reach out and snatch that back.”
She nodded, her eyes shining with understanding. “I’ll talk to the boys.”
“You will? Just like that?”
“Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. It’s not working for you. It actually sounds like it might be hurting you too. None of us wants that. But it’s just… it’s not you, okay? The reason why I didn’t want you to reciprocate, as you so sweetly put it.”
“I don’t understand.” She’d most definitely been fired up after that incredible head. I was very good at gauging that to begin with, but I’d also learned her specific cues over the time that the four of us had been together.
She eased back and sat down on the couch, patting the cushion beside her.
I took a seat and laid my cane beside me.
“What’s wrong, darlin’?” I asked, my concern mounting at the unsettled and withdrawn demeanor coming off her. “Does it involve what that psychopath did to you? Is that why you’re hesitant to tell me? Because I meant what I said about it not being necessary to treat me with kid gloves anymore, that I can’t stand it being this way either. I’ll be fine, I promise.”
I’ll make sure of it.
“We can talk about it, Cat. If you need to get it off your chest, I hope you know that you can do that with me, with all of us.”
“I’ve been quietly enraged this whole time since all of it started, a simmering rage, if you will. But the kidnapping brought that to a head. I unleashed all over those men that Angelo sent in to attack me. I lost control in a demented, animalistic way, a hugely destructive way. And that happened again the night we extracted you. And I can’t let go of that now. It’s like it’s burning through me, calling out to me, warning me not to let it go because of the power it holds, the power it gives me. And that’s coming out in other ways, not just violence.”
“You mean, sexually?”
“Pretty much. So that’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to risk letting anything else happen. Not until you’re back to full strength and able to handle the aggression. Because I don’t know if I can control it when I’m in this state of not wanting to tamper down the other part of it, the battle born part.”
I frowned as I took her words in, her pained confession.
What this world and this mission were doing to her.
What she thought she needed to be in order to survive it all.
“You’ve been in combat before and gone all out, but you’ve then pulled it back. So something must have triggered this. Not being able to let go of it, I mean. And being so determined not to as well. Feeling that initial helplessness of being kidnapped and scrambling to find me after that?”
“Those were definitely factors for why it went down like that. But it remaining this way, it’s something else. And I know exactly what.”
I stared at her expectantly, waiting with bated breath.
But she got that faraway look in her eyes again and then slumped back against the couch.
“Cat?” I pressed carefully.
She blew out a breath and then burst out in a disjointed rush, “I thought I might be, but I’d pushed it into the background with everything else happening… but I was late… I convinced myself that it was stress, the nightmare going on around us.” She shoved both hands through her hair. “What I told you about everything being fine with the doctor’s checkup was true, but there was something else. I wanted to keep it to myself. One, so I’d have some time to sort out my thoughts. And two, because now is absolutely not the fucking time for this. But… us talking like this… you being so brave earlier… I just… I had to tell you.”
Christ. “You’re actually saying that you’re—”
“I’m pregnant.”