Chapter 17
Selena
I woke slowly, light shining on my face and rousing me from sleep. I was so warm, almost hot. That was normal. I usually overheated myself with too many clothes, needing the comfort of my many layers to relax enough to fall asleep. But this morning, I felt different. I shifted and froze.
I didn’t have long sleeves on. I could feel the covers on my skin. That made the lingering sleepiness vanish in an instant.
I opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. I wasn’t in my room. While panic threatened to swoop down and engulf me where I lay… something held it back.
What was holding it back? A heavy weight lying over my middle, anchoring me to the bed. That might have been enough to send me over the edge, except, something inside me instinctively recognized who it belonged to. Against all logic, I was in Brody’s bed, and he was asleep behind me.
It was the smell. It was some kind of expensive cologne, mixed with something else that was just him. My body recognized it before my brain did.
So, I didn’t flinch. I didn’t freak out. I just… lay there, and let the comforting weight of his arm hold me effortlessly in place.
Slowly, the day before appeared in my memory. I’d gone to town. I did the audition. I met that cop in the street—
Just like that, my ease vanished. His words, unexpected and unwanted, hit me out of nowhere.
I hadn’t dealt with it well last night. After I’d scraped myself off the floor of the bookstore, I’d managed to get home, only to pace around my room feeling like I was losing my mind.
My thoughts were a jagged, tangled mess.
He’d seen a video of that night. A video that existed in the world.
He could release it. Other people could see it.
My shame. The worst, most degrading experience of my life could be witnessed again and again. Those paranoid thoughts had hounded me into the bathroom last night, and hadn’t shut the fuck up until I’d made the first cut.
I hadn’t been cutting lately. It was a coping mechanism I’d started when I’d first moved to California and laid low, driving myself crazy.
It had all been fresh then. Fresh and unbearable.
The cutting helped me feel in control, and the pain grounded me.
Forced me into the present and away from my spiraling thoughts.
I’d nearly been proud of how long it had been since I’d cut, and now, here I was. Right back where I’d started.
I took a deep breath. I could feel stinging under my arm. Had Brody seen?
I pushed his arm carefully off me. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want to see his face. Slowly, I sat up, trying not to cause the bed to dip.
I turned and stared down at him. I’d slept beside him. I’d slept beside a man. It was revolutionary. I’d begun to think I’d never be able to again, and yet, I had. And it was this man, this tight-assed, controlling bully. I didn’t know what to think about that.
I inched away, being as quiet as possible. I didn’t even dare to breathe until I was in the bathroom with both doors locked.
I took a deep, steadying breath and looked around. All the mess from last night had been tidied up. The water glass I’d broken and used to cut had been replaced. Brody was nothing if not meticulous.
I went to the mirror and studied myself.
My hair was braided in a long, thick rope, held back from my face.
Had he done this? As unlikely as it was, I could imagine him tying my hair back with those long, thick fingers.
Strand by strand, precise and controlled.
I was still in a bloodstained T-shirt. He hadn’t tried to change it, then.
With trepidation, I brought my arm up to check the underside.
A strip of white gauze was taped neatly over the cuts. The silvery lines of previous ones caught the light. He’d have to have seen them all. Every single one. I dropped my arm, then rotated it so my forearm faced the mirror.
The brand. Had he missed it? Or was I destined not to have a single secret from this man? No dignity left whatsoever.
I couldn’t stay here and talk to him today. I just couldn’t. I had to get out of here. Luckily, I had a whole day of work at the library. Hiding out among the quiet books felt like the only place I could stand to be today.
My breath felt tight, rushing in and out, sending me vaguely faint.
I went to my room and shoved on the only clothes I had left that felt safe to me.
The underlayer was getting old now and needed to be washed, but even the thought of smelling bad in public didn’t convince me to change.
I needed my disguise more than anything today.
I got dressed quickly and left my room. I needed to leave before Brody woke up. Downstairs, the house was quiet and peaceful. I had no idea when my mom would be back, but it wouldn’t have made me feel better if she were here anyway.
I pulled a bottle of water from the fridge, turned around, and jumped.
Cal had come in while I was in the fridge. He sat at the island opposite me. He watched me from under his hood.
“What?” I asked quickly, self-conscious as hell.
He just shrugged. “You good?”
No.
“Fine, I guess,” I answered instead.
“Where’re you going?” he continued.
“I have a shift at work.”
He nodded. “You want me to call in sick for you?” He tilted his head to the side.
I scoffed slightly. Cal was such an odd guy. I couldn’t get a read on him… He was just as big as his brother, just as strong, a defenseman on the team, for God’s sake, but I wasn’t scared of him.
“I think I could call in sick for myself,” I told him.
He just shrugged. “Yeah, but sometimes it’s easier if someone does it for you. I’ll just say I’m your brother.” He gave me a rare, lopsided grin, and stole my breath in that moment. When Cal decided he wanted to be nice to someone, he was a force to be reckoned with.
“My brother,” I repeated. For a girl who had always felt ignored by her parents, it was weird to feel like there might suddenly be someone who looked out for me. Someone who called me family.
I guess that should go for Brody, too, but I immediately knew it wasn’t the same. Brody didn’t feel like a brother to me. Not by a long shot.
“Thanks for the offer, but I’d actually like to get out for the day.”
Cal nodded. “Makes sense, but… you can’t avoid him forever.”
“I’m not avoiding him!” I protested, but it sounded like a lie.
“Sure, you’re not. See you later, Selena.”
The library was exactly where I needed to be.
It was busy on the lower floors, the arts and humanities subjects.
I lost myself in the noisy silence. All these students funneling their brainpower into studying felt like the energy shift I needed.
I put books back, helped check them out, and generally let my brain drift.
Winter called me a couple of times, and I texted her that I was at work. I didn’t want her worrying about me, and I certainly couldn’t take talking to anyone until I’d processed what had happened yesterday.
Slowly, my mind worked up to the encounter in the street. I let myself recall every detail. The guy’s expression, the way he’d sidled up to talking about the video. What he hadn’t done was tell me what he planned to do with the information.
There had to be something. Why else would he have bothered to tell me all about it? He wanted something, and I doubted it was anything good.
I got a message near the end of my shift.
Bellend: When are you home?
Me: None of your business.
Bellend: … We should talk, heathen.
Me: Pass. I don’t want to talk. If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll move out.
Bellend: Is that meant to put me off? Now I really want to talk.
Fuck.
What did I expect from Brody? That he’d suddenly grown a heart and actually care that I didn’t want to talk about that nightmare? Or that he wouldn’t want me to move out? I’d just given him leverage to win his personal space back.
I finished my shift at the library and went home reluctantly. I went through the house with my hands clenched into hard fists. I was ready to fight to avoid talking about it if I had to.
But there was no sign of Brody. I made it to my room, got inside, and closed the door behind me uninterrupted.
I sank down onto the bed and stared across the room.
Dark and depressing thoughts threatened to pull me in.
A whirling tide pool in my mind. I had no coping mechanisms. No crutches left to lean on.
Brody had taken them all. I went into the bathroom and looked around.
Even the glass soap dispenser was gone. The toenail clippers, tweezers, razors.
They were all missing. Brody had done a second round and cleared the space out. I didn’t know how to feel about that.
I took my homework out of my bag. That’s how desperate I was. Gradually, I managed to wrestle my mind into homework mode and spent the rest of the night studying. Now, I was more ahead for the week than ever before.
A knock at the door sent my nerves back into high alert. I opened the door slowly.
There was no one there. but a tray sat on the floor. A full plate of chicken breast and salad, a tall glass of water, and my prescription bottle of antidepressants.