Chapter 42
Brenda turns and walks away, dragging her feet as though heading toward an execution. Maybe she is. The recruits weren’t allowed to kill each other in the Bride Hunt, but what restrictions do they have with us?
Her departure does little to ease the tight knot of anxiety in my stomach. I shut the door and lean on it with my eyes closed, attempting to draw deep breaths to steady my nerves. Feelings of helplessness wash over me.
What the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Can I do anything?
Being in this vulnerable position as Xavier’s bride has my emotions shifting from uncertainty to a simmering anger. The more I reflect on the situation, the more righteous indignation heats me all over.
I pace the room, muttering to myself. I don’t deserve this shit. If Ben were my recruit, he’d treat me with respect and kindness. Xavier, on the other hand, is a huge risk.
If I thought aligning myself with him would provide me with a semblance of safety, I was mistaken. Our relationship is a minefield, leaving me to navigate it while constantly worried that the next move could be my last. Meanwhile, Xavier strolls merrily through this situation without a care in the world.
The realization halts my steps. And has me raging. If Xavier thinks he can do whatever he wants while I sit and wait for him to dictate my life, he’s in for a surprise. I refuse to be a trophy. Or worse, a tool in his game of power, easily traded or discarded.
I retrieve my phone from my pocket. My fingers hover over the screen, my body humming with bitterness. I need to feel like I’m not alone, like someone gives a shit about me and isn’t willing to toss me aside.
After selecting Ben’s name, I type out a quick text asking him to hang out. My hands grow sweaty while I wait for his response. My foster brother might’ve said I was the most important person in his life, but right now, I want him to prove it.
My phone buzzes, and I open the text with trembling fingers. Relief washes over me when I read that Ben is heading over. Leaving Xavier’s room against his wishes is a small step in my plans for rebellion, but any effort to regain control over my life comforts me.
Minutes later, there’s a knock on the door. I check the monitor before opening the door to find Ben leaning against the wall. His presence, familiar and welcoming, immediately puts me at ease.
“I thought you were pissed at me,” he says. He smiles, a genuine expression that reaches his eyes, making them bright with affection. For me. “But I’m glad you texted.”
“I realized that I’m angry about this entire situation. But it feels wrong to be mad at you.”
“It’s so good to hear you say that, Lilah. Ready?” He offers me his arm in a gesture that’s full of camaraderie, rather than authority. “I think it’s time for me to introduce you to the world of video games.”
I grin and weave my arm through his, allowing myself to be led away from a room that’s more of a prison cell than a sanctuary.
When we reach Ben’s dorm room, I find it similar to Xavier’s in appearance, but the vibe is completely different. Ben has his stuff everywhere. One look, and you can get a feel for who he is as a person, even down to the candy bar wrappers lying right next to the trash can.
“So you”re a slob now?” I ask with a smirk.
He chuckles. “I guess so. We didn’t have enough money for junk food, so I didn’t know I sucked at picking up trash until I had the means.”
I duck my head, not wanting him to feel my disconnect. I might be part of this university and the Order in a way, but I don’t have the finances that comes with it. It’s one of the reasons I’m a bride to begin with.
“You want something to drink?” he asks.
“Sure. It’d be nice to have something besides coffee for once.”
Ben walks over to a mini-fridge, grabs a soda, and hands it to me. I take it with a smile and settle on the edge of his mattress. “Can I ask you something?”
He frowns. “You know you can ask me anything.”
I trace the rim of the can, staring down at it to avoid Ben’s stare. “Can a recruit trade one bride for another?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Just answer the question,” I snap. Belatedly realizing the severity of my tone, I lift my head, my gaze full of remorse. “I’m sorry. I just really need to know, Ben.”
His expression turns serious. He takes a moment before responding, which only sets me on edge all the more. By the time he finally speaks, I’m ready to strangle him or cry.
“It has to be agreed on by both recruits, not just one,” he says. “It’s not encouraged. A bride is acquired through skill, so trading her would be an insult to yourself. It’s saying you weren’t good enough to get the bride of your choice.”
I nod, barely perceptible, fear paralyzing me. Xavier does the have the right to trade me. From the way he acted during the Bride Hunt, I could assume he wants to keep me, but that’s not good enough. I’d be trusting a stranger with more than my safety.
I’d have to trust Xavier with my life.
Ben sits next to me, the mattress dipping under his weight. He wraps an arm around me, and I lean into his side, soaking up his presence. “Does this have something to do with X?”
I shrug. “Sort of. Brenda, Eric’s bride, stopped by Xavier’s room earlier looking for his help.”
“She’s a drug addict.” A thread of disgust is woven underneath Ben’s tone. “I’m not sure if she was one before she got with Eric, but I know she was definitely one afterward.”
“Addict or not, the bruises on her body didn’t look self-inflicted, Ben. She wants to get away from Eric and become Xavier’s bride.”
My words are statements of fact, nothing more, but as they sweep past my ears, my blood heats in my veins. The prospect of Xavier giving me away or replacing me with Brenda doesn’t upset me only because I want to avoid abuse. It’s also about the feelings of rejection stirring within me.
Fucked up or not, during the Bride Hunt, I was someone’s first choice.
For the first time in my life, I felt wanted. Valued.
It’s not that I love Xavier. Our relationship, if it can even be called that, is built on ceremony and tradition. So why does the prospect of him replacing me with another woman evoke jealousy and other petty emotions?
Xavier made me feel seen. I don’t want to be invisible again.
Ben sighs and hugs me tighter. “Delilah, you’re not thinking clearly. X is a lot of things, but he’s not someone who changes his mind. He wanted you to be his bride. I don’t know why, but he did.”
I pull back and frown at him. “That’s not encouraging.”
“I just meant that there’s always a hidden agenda with the recruits.” Ben runs a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean he shouldn’t have picked you. Anyone would be happy to have you as their bride. Hell, most of them don’t deserve you.”
“Being a bride isn’t a privilege. It’s a prison.”
He goes taut beside me. “I’m going to get you out of it. You’ll see.”
“I hope so.”
“Until then, it’s better that you’re with X.”
I make a face at Ben. “He’s a fuckhole.”
“A what?” My foster brother laughs, the tension dissipating from his body. “You come up with the weirdest shit. Like I was saying, yes, Xavier’s an asshole, but he won’t physically hurt you.” Ben pauses, his gaze gleaming with emotion. “If he does, I’ll kill him.”
I bump his shoulder with mine. “Thanks for looking out for me.”
“Always. You’d do the same for me.”
“Always,” I say.
“Now that we’re done with the mushy shit, how about I beat your ass in this video game?”
I glare up at him with a grin. “Bring it on, bitch nuts.”