Chapter 48
My eyelids flutter open to blinding white lights. The brightness is jarring, stabbing my brain like needles. I blink rapidly, trying to orient myself, but each movement sends a shock wave of pain echoing inside my skull. Where am I? The last thing I remember is... is...
“Ben,” I whisper, the name slipping out like a ghost. The pain of losing him hits me afresh, a gaping wound in my heart that refuses to heal. My throat tightens, and a heaviness settles in my chest, making it hard to breathe.
“Delilah, you’re awake!”
June’s voice cuts through the fog of my confusion. I turn my head slightly, wincing at the sharp pain that follows the motion. June is sitting beside me, her face etched with concern. “How are you feeling?” she asks, reaching out to adjust a pillow behind my head.
I try to speak, to ask the dozens of questions tumbling through my mind, but only a hoarse whisper escapes. “What... what happened?”
“You had a heart attack,” June says softly, her eyes never leaving mine. “It was all too much—the news about Ben... you just collapsed.”
A heart attack?
The words don’t make sense. I’m too young, aren’t I?
Yet the ache in my chest, the sluggishness of my limbs—it all starts to form a terrifying picture. I try to process this, to understand, but another, more urgent question pushes its way forward.
“Where’s Xavier?” The urgency in my voice surprises even me. I need him here, need to see him, to know he’s real and here and?—
June hesitates, her eyes shifting away from mine. “He... he had to step out for a bit,” she says, a little too quickly.
I frown, struggling to sit up, pushing against the weakness that threatens to pull me back down. “June, where is he?” There’s a sharpness in my tone now, a rising panic. Xavier wouldn’t just leave, not now, not unless?—
“He’ll be back soon,” June assures me, but her voice lacks conviction. She avoids my gaze, busying herself with the IV drip beside my bed.
I don’t miss the evasion, and it sends a chill down my spine. “June,” I press, my voice stronger now, fueled by a mix of fear and need. “Please, I need to know.”
June sighs, her shoulders sagging as she finally meets my eyes. “Delilah, let’s just focus on getting you better, okay? Xavier is... he’s dealing with everything. He’s trying to do what’s best for you.”
But that’s not an answer, and we both know it. It’s a deflection, and it scares me more than anything else. Why won’t she tell me where he is? What isn’t she saying?
I lie back, the energy seeping out of me as quickly as it had surged. Tears prickle at the corners of my eyes, not just for Ben, not just for what I’ve lost, but for the gnawing fear of what I still might lose. “June, please,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “Don’t keep things from me. Not now.”
June looks at me, her face a mask of sorrow and sympathy. “You need a heart transplant.”
The words hit me like a punch to the gut, stealing the breath from my lungs. My head spins, and my vision goes blurry. The machines hooked up to me start wailing, and June jumps to her feet, wringing her hands.
“You have to relax, Delilah. The stress is bad for your heart. Please.”
I try to calm down, but the reality of the situation is too much. I need Xavier. I need him. But he’s not here. And as much as I love June, she’s not him. She can’t ease the pain that’s tearing me apart, the fear and dread and uncertainty.
My body goes numb, a cold wave of shock and despair washing over me. Tears stream down my cheeks, and a raw sob escapes my lips.
“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” June murmurs, her voice breaking. She reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing tightly.
I squeeze back, clinging to her as my world falls apart. I feel like I’m being torn in two, like my heart is literally breaking. Ben is dead. I’m dying. And Xavier has abandoned me.
I don’t realize I’ve spoken my thoughts out loud until June says, “X hasn’t abandoned you, sweety. He’s trying to make sure you’re all right.”
“How?” I whisper, not bothering to hide the panic in my voice. “How is he making sure?”
“The doctors said you need a new heart. He’s...” she pauses, her expression troubled. “He’s doing what needs to be done.”
Her words are cryptic, but there’s a thread of fear in them that chills me to the bone.
“What do you mean? What the fuck is he doing?”
“He’s finding you a donor.”
I freeze, my heart hammering in my chest. “How? How is he finding a donor?”
“Declan gave him a list of names, and...”
I close my eyes, my mind reeling. Xavier is doing everything he can to save me, to make sure I survive. But there’s something dark and dangerous in his desperation, something that has a sliver of doubt worming its way into my thoughts. This is beyond unethical. It’s unfathomable and reprehensible.
“Delilah,” June says softly, pulling me out of my darkening thoughts. “Please, you have to relax. This stress isn’t good for your heart.”
I open my eyes and meet her gaze, taking in the pain and worry etched on her face. She cares about me, I know she does, but it’s not enough right now. Not when Xavier is killing innocent people to save me.
“I won’t let him do this.”
“You can’t tell Xavier Donovan what he can and can’t do. Especially when it comes to you.”
I know June is right, but that doesn’t stop frustration from boiling up inside me. “This isn’t right. Killing innocent people to save my life?”
“What if they’re not innocent?”
I pause, and then shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not his choice to make.”
June looks away, her expression pensive. “Would you kill someone to save him?”
“That’s different. He’s not the one dying.”
“But what if he was? What if the only way to save him was to take another life?”
I swallow, the weight of the question settling on my chest like a ton of bricks. The truth is, I would. Without hesitation. I’d do anything to keep him alive.
But that doesn’t make what he’s doing okay.
“It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want him to kill anyone,” I say.
“For the people we love, sometimes we have to do things that are unspeakable.”
The room falls into a heavy silence after June’s words, my thoughts spinning as I try to piece together fragments of a situation that feels increasingly out of my control. Every minute that ticks is like a hand pressing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
When the door opens and Xavier walks in, my internal turmoil heightens. Relief floods me at the sight of him, but it’s quickly tempered by the tightness of his expression and the weariness in his eyes. Then there’s his usual calm demeanor edged with something darker. Something grim.
“Xavier,” I breathe, my voice airy and weak.
He walks over quickly, his steps purposeful. “You’re awake,” he replies, his voice thick with emotion as he takes my hand gently. “How are you feeling?”
I look down at his fingers as they tenderly hold mine, searching for remnants of blood. Even if he washed his hands, they’re still covered in the blood of the innocent, and it makes my stomach knot.
Before I can respond to Xavier, June gets to her feet, her usual composure replaced by an uneasy tension. She avoids looking directly at him, her gaze flickering around the room as if seeking an escape route. I can’t blame her, not when I think about what he was recently doing.
Xavier turns slightly, his eyes meeting June’s with a look that I can’t quite read. “Thank you for staying with her,” he says, his tone polite but cool.
June nods quickly. “Of course. I’ll be in the waiting room if you need anything.” With one last, fleeting glance at me, she slips out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.
The departure leaves a silence that Xavier and I are left to fill. He sits beside me on the bed, his presence both comforting and slightly overwhelming.
“Xavier, I know what you were doing, and I…” The words get stuck in my throat, the guilt behind them choking me. “I can’t accept it.”
“Delilah, I did what was necessary to?—”
I shake my head and tighten my grip on his hand. “I can’t take the heart. It’s not right.”
He exhales slowly, brushing his thumb over my knuckles. It takes him a few moments to speak, but when he does, his voice is steady. Fortified. “This is about preventing your death, Delilah.”
I bow my head, unable to meet his gaze. The intensity of his stare. “I understand, but I can’t be responsible for other people’s deaths.”
“You’re not. I am.”
“But you did it for me,” I say.
“Yes, because you are my life.”
I meet his gaze, taking in the fierceness of his words while urging him to see my point-of-view. He means what he’s saying, but that doesn’t make it right. “I love you, but I can’t act like I agree with this. Please tell me the donor is still alive.”
Xavier shoots me a pointed look. “The man is dead. The medical team is preparing the organ right now.”
“This is so wrong,” I whisper, my voice breaking. “I won’t take it. I can’t live with myself if I do.”
“So, you’d rather die?” His question is a near shout, his barely contained anger and fear slamming into me with every word. “Is that what you want? Because that’s what will happen if you don’t go through with the transplant.”
His words sting, a harsh reminder of the reality of my situation. But they also reinforce my resolve. “I have years to find another donor. A willing donor.”
“You don’t know that. If you have another heart attack, you could fucking die. That’s what you’re agreeing to.”
“I don’t want to die, but how can I live with myself knowing that the heart beating inside me?—”
“You aren’t going to die!” Xavier yells, his voice rising in a rare show of unchecked emotion. He jumps to his feet, ripping his hand from mine. “I won’t fucking let you!”
“Xavier, please listen.”
His hand shoots out to grab me by the throat, forcing my head back until our gazes collide. “No, you listen to me, little raptor. I would let the world burn for you. I would kill everyone on this goddamn planet to keep you safe. I will always choose you, regardless of the cost. There is nothing and no one that matters more to me than you. You. Are. Everything.”
I can’t breathe. I can’t think. His words are a hurricane of emotions battering against my heart, leaving it raw and exposed. I understand his pain, his desperation, because I feel it too.
I would do anything for him.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper.
He leans closer, his lips inches from mine, his fingers digging into my flesh. “Then I’ll make you.”
Before I can respond, his mouth crashes down on mine in a brutal kiss, a battle of wills and desires. I taste blood, his or mine, and a moan slips past my lips, mingling with his growl of possession. His grip tightens, and he angles my head to the side, deepening the kiss. His tongue demands entrance, and I yield, surrendering to his dominance. I let him consume me, even as I cling to the last shred of my resolve.
The world falls away, and there’s only him and me, a tempest of lust and fury. My body responds, a traitor to my morals, and my hands slide up his arms, clinging to his shoulders as his tongue sweeps into my mouth. He kisses me until I’m dizzy, until the only thing tethering me to reality is his touch.
And then he breaks the kiss, his breathing ragged, his eyes blazing with an intensity that takes my breath away. “If you won’t do this for yourself, then do it for me,” he whispers. “I can’t lose you, Delilah. I. Fucking. Can’t.”
“Xavier—”
“Please.” His voice breaks on the word. It’s a tiny crack in his armor, a glimpse of the fear and pain beneath. It’s a request for something I can’t deny.
The air around us is heavy with tension, and I struggle to draw breath, my own emotions a storm of contradictions. “Okay,” I whisper, the word a surrender, a concession to the only person who’s ever broken down my walls and slipped past my defenses.
The only one who’s ever made me question what’s right and wrong.
Xavier Donovan doesn’t know the meaning of morally grey. He embodies the idea of morally pitch black, the shade darker than a crow’s wings or a grim reaper’s cloak.
“Promise me,” he demands.
I look up at him, my gaze locked on his, and I know, deep in my bones, that there”s no turning back now. “I promise.”
Xavier lets out a long, shuddering breath, and his grip on my throat loosens. “Thank you,” he says, his voice thick with emotion. He kisses me again, his lips gentle this time. “Thank you.” He places a kiss on each of my eyelids. “Thank you.”
He pulls back, his gaze roaming over my face, his expression intense and possessive. “I love you, Delilah. Don’t ever forget that.”
I reach up and cup his cheek, feeling the stubble of his facial hair under my palm. “I won’t. I love you, too.”
A knock at the door has me jumping in surprise, and I catch Xavier’s jaw tightening.
“Come in,” he says.
The door swings open, revealing a doctor and a set of nurses behind him. “It’s time for your surgery, Mrs. Donovan.”
I look at Xavier, quirking a brow. “Mrs. Donovan?”
He smirks at me. “Just practicing for the real thing.”
A wave of heat washes over me, followed by a chill. There might not be a real thing. Not unless the transplant is successful.
“I’m Dr. Ellis, and I’ll be performing your surgery,” he says to us. “Dr. Laine recommended me.”
Xavier looks at the surgeon. “I need to speak with you.” Then he leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead, his lips soft and warm against my skin. “I’ll be right here waiting,” he murmurs. “Don’t worry, little raptor. Everything is going to be okay.”
I’m not sure which one of us he’s trying to convince, but I nod while hoping that this isn’t the last time I see him.