Chapter 11
Delilah
My breath lodges in my throat, along with any reassuring words I might offer.
I can’t speak them because I don’t know if that’d be lying to Xavier if I learn about the misdeeds in his past. Instead, I lay my head on his shoulder, offering my support.
His muscles are stiff and unyielding, but I stay like that, unwilling to leave him.
After a moment, the tension lining his shoulders dissipates, and he wraps an arm around my back, pulling me to him. As I curl my body into his, he releases a breath that’s full of weariness and resignation.
I remain still, one ear pressed to his torso, listening to the steady beat of his heart. The rhythm is soothing, and I lose myself in the cadence, my thoughts drifting. Until the sound of his voice brings my focus back to him.
“You think you don’t know me,” he says slowly, “but the reality is that no one really does. My life has always been full of danger and deceit. The power and the desire for more of it is the pulse of the Order. That’s what gives it sustenance.
This type of environment isn’t conducive to vulnerability or tenderness. Those things are foreign to me.”
I reach out and brush his arm, a silent show of support. I’m usually quick to ask questions, but with Xavier being fully transparent, the best thing for me to do is listen. To be his confidant in a world of secrets.
“I’ve done things,” he continues, “horrible things in the name of survival, because of, and for, the Order. Actions that were necessary but dark enough to question my own humanity at times. Until a question no longer remained, and all that was left was my need for power. Not to rule, but to be free. Free from my father and his demands on my life.”
“What about the Order?”
Xavier’s breathing changes, deepens, as if he is reluctant to continue. Or gathering the courage to cross an invisible threshold. “You can’t leave the Obsidian Order and live. I’ll answer their summons, and they’ll leave me to rule my empire. With you by my side.”
The honesty and resolve in his voice fuses together to create an unshakeable commitment. The admission has my skin prickling from fear, but not for myself. For him. I can only imagine the internal struggles he faces, the shadows he battles and will continue to deal with.
He pulls in a deep breath, his arm around me tightening. “I’m not telling you this to scare you. I need you to understand the complexity of who I am and the duality of my existence. While I’ll openly pledge my allegiance to the Order, my loyalty will always be to you.”
I lift my head and find his gaze is already on me. His eyes travel over my face, searching for my reaction to his declaration.
For a long while, he simply looks at me. I can see hope and worry in every crease and line fanning out from the corners of his eyes and around his mouth. His tortured expression softens my heart even more.
“I don’t want to lose you.” He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Not when I’ve searched for you all my life.”
His gaze grows cloudy, his mind probably full of the commitments he made long before we met. My request for emotional intimacy by way of Xavier sharing his past comes with a price. This is a crossroads. Not just for him, but for us, a decision that could impact our relationship.
For better or for worse.
“Xavier,” I say, pulling him back, anchoring him to me. “I won’t promise something that I can’t control. If your past is as awful as you say, then it’ll definitely affect me. However, that doesn’t mean I won’t give you the benefit of the doubt.”
“You don’t know what I’ve done. The number of people I’ve killed.” As if reading my mind, he says, “The feathers on my back are my official kill count, not my actual total. The Order doesn’t care about the target’s security guards or anyone else who gets in the way of completing the objective.”
His revelation, stark and unnerving, cuts through the atmosphere like the knife he expertly wields.
Each of his tattooed feathers not only represents death but a chilling picture of the Order’s disregard for the sanctity of life.
The world Xavier was born into is full of ruthless decisions and mandatory evil.
“Were they innocent?” I ask. “The people you killed, did they deserve it?”
He gazes down at me, his eyes a tumultuous sea of emotions, battling with the fear of rejection and the hope for absolution. Maybe something else, something lost in the depths of his humanity.
“Does it matter?”
“Yes,” I say. “I would’ve killed Frank if you hadn’t. It was only a matter of time. For fuck’s sake, I tried to kill you, too. I might feel guilty about that now, but not then. I would’ve done whatever I needed to protect myself and my foster siblings. Would you judge me for that?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t care who you kill, as long as it means you’ll survive.”
“That’s generous,” I mutter.
“I’m serious, Delilah.”
I sigh. “I know. Listen, as your bride, I’m already part of the Order.
Let me in. Not just into the parts of your life that you want me to see, but the dark corners, the deep places that haunt you at night.
If you’re willing to accept my demons, I’ll do the same for you.
We’re going to have to trust each other. ”
He briefly closes his eyes, his expression pained. “Okay.”
“That’s it?” I ask, repeating his words from earlier.
He grins down at me. “I can’t explain what I’ve never experienced.”
“Stop teasing me. You’ve had to learn to trust someone by now.”
Until recently, I’ve always had Ben as my confidant, my protector, and my family. I can’t imagine not having anyone. Has Xavier been denied this type of relationship?
“I trust Declan with my life,” he says, “but this isn’t the same.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not trusting him with the power to ruin me.”
“I don’t want that,” I say.
He runs his thumb over the seam of my mouth, then the curve of my cheek. “It doesn’t matter. You have it anyway.”
I want to smile, to bask in the significance of this, but I can’t. His father’s words drift along my psyche like a clawed hand, ripping my happiness to shreds.
“Let there be no misconceptions. A bride will never be a crow’s wife.”
I might have Xavier, but the Order will never let him have me.