Chapter 37
Delilah
The sound of laughter fills the living room as my little sister Sandra, places her last tile on the board. “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you use all of your letters.”
Emily groans in defeat and smacks the coffee table. “You’re the baby, so how are you beating the rest of us?” She rearranges the letters on her rack and looks at me. “Isn’t that college of yours teaching you anything?”
Gloria shoots her a look of reprimand. “This game isn’t just about education, Emily. Sometimes it’s about making do with what you’ve been given.”
My foster mother, ever the nurturer, walks into the kitchen and comes back to fill our empty snack bowls. The scent of freshly popped popcorn mingles with the warm, comforting atmosphere that only a home can have.
I tuck the blanket around my legs while the girls retrieve everyone’s wooden tiles and return them to the box. I watch them with my heart expanding in my chest. They’re so grown up. It only reinforces the fact that it’s been too long since I’ve seen them.
“Are we playing another game?” Ben asks.
He’s sprawled in an armchair opposite of me, his demeanor relaxed. Ever since we arrived, he’s been outgoing and cheerful, cracking jokes with Emily and exchanging playful digs with Sandra. It’s a replica of how they used to be before he left for college.
Yet whenever he interacts with me, there’s a distance, a cool reservation that was never there before.
“I’m good for one more,” I say.
Ben’s eyes land on me, but the second I glance at him, he looks away. Pain streaks through me, and it takes a fair amount of willpower to keep my smile in place.
“You go first, Delilah,” Gloria says.
I grab my letters and focus on the task at hand. After putting down a particularly complex word, I make a face at Sandra. “How do you like me now?”
“Nice one,” Ben says. His tone is happy, but his smile isn’t as bright. “Looks like college might not be a complete waste of time.”
Emily rolls her eyes with a grin. “Whatever.”
As the game continues, I find my thoughts circling back to Xavier again and again. What is he doing? When will he be back? Is he alive?
When the game ends, Emily claims her win, throwing up her hands in a mock victory dance that has us all laughing. Watching Ben, his face crinkled with joy, sends a pang of regret through my heart. This new dynamic is killing me slowly, but given everything that’s transpired, it’s understandable.
“Family photo,” Gloria singsongs.
Sandra, Emily, and Ben pile onto the couch with me. The girls throw their arms over our shoulders and we do the same. Ben’s touch is hesitant as he places his hand on my back.
“Smile, everyone.” Gloria takes several pictures, saying ridiculous things to make us laugh. “Great. Now, everyone remember that I’ll be up early to get the turkey in the oven. As soon as you wake up, come find me in the kitchen. If you don’t help . . .”
“You don’t eat,” the rest of us answer in unison.
“That’s right. Goodnight. Love you guys.”
Everyone starts saying goodnight and dispersing to their respective rooms, the girls’ laughter and chatter echoing down the hallway.
The living room becomes quiet as the earlier vibrance of the group fades into stillness.
Ben rises to his feet, and I can’t hear his footsteps even though I’m watching him walk past me.
Such an assassin.
Before he can escape, I call out to him. He pauses with his back toward me. I catch the stiffening of his posture, the way his shoulders rise with tension.
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Can we talk? Just for a minute.”
He turns to look at me and our gazes collide, his wary and mine hopeful. Whatever he sees on my face sways him. He returns to sit on the opposite end of the couch, the space between us charged with awkwardness and unspoken thoughts.
“You know,” I say, struggling to keep my voice from shaking, “we used to be family. Best friends. You were the most important person in my life. That relationship shouldn’t just disappear.”
He drops his gaze. “It didn’t disappear, Delilah. It changed.”
His use of my name, not the nickname or any other term of endearment, is like a slap in the face. It’s like he refuses to see me as anything other than Xavier’s bride.
“When I realized how I felt about you, everything changed,” he continues. “Then X came into the picture, and I lost you.”
“Me being with Xavier doesn’t change how much I care about you and what you mean to me. I can’t help what I feel and what I don’t. Please don’t punish me for that.”
He lifts his head, giving me an unobstructed view of the turmoil within his eyes. “It’s not just about X. It’s me. Every moment we’re together only reminds me of what I can’t have. It’s killing me.”
I want to reach out and grab his hand or hug him close, but I do neither, afraid that if I touch Ben, it’ll only confuse him more. “Did I . . .”
I clear my throat of the emotion threatening to choke me and try again, not sure if I want the answer to this question. “Did I give you mixed signals or lead you on? Because if I did, I’m so sorry. I would never hurt you like that.”
Ben’s expression softens as he shakes his head slowly. I almost burst into tears. Not just because he released me from guilt, but due to the fact that he’s looking at me the way he used to. Before Xavier and the Order came into our lives.
“No, Lilah, you didn’t lead me on. I guess I held on to hope for too long, praying you’d feel the same way one day when you got older.”
He takes a deep breath and averts his gaze. “It’s tough seeing you with X. It guts me to know you’re with him, but . . .” He pauses, his jaw tightening. “But he’s good for you. He’s a ruthless asshole, but he’s willing to put everything on the line to protect you. I can’t ask for more than that.”
“What about what I want?” I say with a teasing lilt to my voice. “Don’t I get a say?”
Ben’s eyes dart to mine, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth despite the heaviness of our conversation.
“Of course you do. Last time I checked, you’re pretty good at making your own decisions even if I don’t approve.
” He exhales and rolls his eyes. “If not, you wouldn’t have trespassed onto the fraternity’s property to look for me. ”
“I had to find my big brother, and no one was going to stop me. If I want something, I go for it. Like having my best friend and my . . . whatever Xavier is, in my life.”
My foster brother chuckles, the rich sound genuine, erasing more of the tension between us. “Whatever he is?”
I shrug. “Xavier is Xavier. It sounds stupid to call him my boyfriend when our relationship was forced, but we’ve been through a lot together. Not to mention the Order and all the complications that brings.”
Ben nods, his expression turning somber. “Very true. Even with his father keeping him in check, X still risks his life for you.”
I purse my lips. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Forget I said anything. I only wanted to tell you that he really cares about you.”
I reach over and grab Ben’s hand. “Don’t hide stuff from me. Please.”
He thinks on it for a moment before nodding. “Fine, but you’d better not say a word.”
Ben withdraws his hand from mine to retrieve his cell phone. After unlocking it, he pulls up a text thread between him and Xavier and hands me the device.
Xavier: Hey, concerning the tech for my summons? Everything is in working order, yeah?
Ben: Yep, all sensors are online and responsive.
Xavier: Thanks.
Xavier: Can you check the lock on my dorm room? I don’t want anyone stealing my shit while I’m gone. It’s valuable.
Ben: The alarm is set, and everything is safe.
Xavier: Thanks.
The exchanges continue back and forth. There’s one conversation for every day that Xavier’s been gone.
I look at Ben with my face scrunched up. “I don’t get it. Xavier is just talking about security.”
“He’s talking about you, Lilah.”
“Me?” When he nods, I ask, “I’m the ‘valuable shit’ he’s referring to?”
Ben’s lips twitch. “Yeah.”
“Oh.” I flop back onto the couch cushions. “That’s kind of sweet.”
“He doesn’t want to risk contacting you while he’s on a summons, but talking to another recruit isn’t overly suspicious.
Especially since I provided the tech. X is using it as an excuse to text me every day and check that you’re safe.
That’s why I think he’s good for you. Well, that and because he told me he’d ‘kick my motherfucking ass’ if I let anything happen to you while he’s gone. ”
“Wow. I’m not sure if I should be happy that he cares so much or pissed that he threatened you.”
Ben smiles. “Both.”
I return it. “Both is good.”