Chapter 45
Delilah
What if Xavier dies . . .
The thought fills my mind, leaving space for nothing else. It’s like a snowball gathering density and weight with every turn, becoming an emotional avalanche that threatens to crush me. Kill me.
My chest is tight, each beat of my heart banging against my ribs, until the pain from it has me pressing a hand to my sternum. I take deep breaths, willing my pulse to slow, but it doesn’t. If anything, it quickens, reacting to every ounce of fear and anxiety that courses through my blood.
“Delilah, everything will be okay.” June’s voice is soft, soothing, yet it barely cuts through the fog of my worry. She pats an empty space on Xavier’s bed. “Why don’t you come sit next to me?”
I shake my head, not trusting my voice. Her words are meant to reassure, but the possibility of losing Xavier, of never seeing him again, is a thought I can’t handle.
“X will be fine,” she says. “He and Declan have trained for this.”
I continue pacing, each step a tiny battle against the inertia of despair. The motion keeps the panic at bay, just barely. “Training isn’t always enough,” I whisper, more to myself than to her.
June stands, her movements fluid and graceful. She steps into my path, halting my nervous trek across the room, and grabs my shoulders. Her hold is gentle but with enough pressure to anchor me.
“Look at me,” she urges, her voice firm while still tender.
Reluctantly, I lift my head. In her gaze lies not only sympathy, but a reflection of my own terror transformed into fortitude.
“I know it’s hard,” she continues, “and I know saying ‘it’ll be okay’ doesn’t mean shit right now. But remember who they are. Remember who X is. He’s not just fighting to survive. He’s fighting to get back to you.”
The warmth from her grip seeps into my skin, lending me a fragment of her strength. “But what if it’s not enough?” The question slips out, laden with all the vulnerability I’ve tried so hard to shield.
June pulls me into a hug, her embrace enveloping me. “Then we face that when it comes. But knowing X, he’d do anything to be with you.”
I rest my head against her shoulder, and the rhythmic beat of her heart against my ear offers a strange comfort. “How do you know?”
“Because he looks at you the way I want Declan to look at me. Like I’m his world,” June finishes softly, a wistful note in her voice. “You don’t see it because you’re too close, too tangled up in your own emotions. But from the outside? It’s clear as day. Xavier’s in deep, Delilah. He’s all in.”
The affirmation sends a fresh wave of emotion through my body. I close my eyes as my love for Xavier threatens to drown me. Just as much as my fear of losing him, I can’t imagine my life without him.
We separate, and I attempt to smile, an expression that feels more like a grimace. Despite her encouraging words, a relentless stream of what-ifs continues to cascade through my thoughts, each scenario darker than the last. My mind is a battleground, and I’m close to admitting defeat.
June takes my hand and leads me to the bed.
With a tap on my shoulder and a stern look, she sits.
I do the same. The texture of the bedspread beneath my fingers serves as a focus point, something tangible amidst the swirling storm of my anxiety.
The fabric bunches and smooths under my restless touch, mirroring the uneven tempo of my emotions and the need for action.
If only there was something I could do to help Xavier.
Outside, the wind picks up, its mournful howls echoing the turmoil within me. Inside, the dim light from the desk lamp casts long shadows across the room, stretching like specters of doubt creeping into the corners of my mind. I’m going crazy, and I’m powerless to stop it.
June tilts her head. “Did I ever tell you about the time that I slept with the entire debate team?”
The abrupt change in topic, as well as the inquiry itself, has my mouth falling open. I shake my head.
She smiles. “They had an actual debate as to who was most qualified to sleep with me and why. It was amazing.”
I nod, grinning despite my worry for Xavier. “I bet.”
“Nerds get a bad rap. Those guys were very competitive and determined. Not to mention they study and retain information better than most people.” She sighs. “Those were the days.”
“But now you’re with Declan and . . .”
She hangs her head. “He doesn’t feel the same way that I do.”
I frown, recalling the way he acted around her during his assignment to babysit me a couple months ago. “I think he really cares for you.”
“Maybe,” June says. “But not like X does for you.”
Before I can reply, the door to the room opens, and we both jump up from the bed. My heart leaps in my throat at the sight of Xavier. His expression is weary, his clothes dirty and rumpled with the remnants of the Trial, but he’s alive.
He snaps his head in my direction, his gaze finding me immediately. A myriad of emotions skitter over his face as he stares at me. For an extended moment he just stands there, drinking in the sight of me as if he can hardly believe I’m really here. Or that he’s alive.
Then, with a few quick strides, he closes the distance between us, his movements revealing a desperation I’ve never seen before.
Without a word, he pulls me against his chest in an embrace that borders on crushing.
He wraps one arm securely around my waist while he cradles the back of my head, threading his fingers through my hair, his hands shaking.
I wrap my arms tightly around him, burying my face in the fabric of his shirt, inhaling the scent that is a mixture of dust, sweat, and whatever is uniquely him.
My mind latches on to the solid reality of his body against mine. I feel his heart pounding, fast and strong, through the layers of our clothes, and it syncs a moment with mine, a perfect, chaotic rhythm that says more than words ever could.
His voice is harsh when he finally speaks, his breath warm against my ear. “We have to leave.”
I pull back slightly, just enough to see his face. His eyes, normally so guarded and calm, are alight with something fierce and unnerving. It’s not just urgency.
It’s fear.
Every ounce of relief I had at seeing him drains from me, cooling my skin with dread. “What’s wrong?” I lean to the side, searching the doorway and finding it empty. “And where’s Ben?”
Xavier shakes his head, his expression darkening. “Not now.”
I try to take a step back, but he tightens his hold, keeping our bodies flush. “What do you mean? What aren’t you telling me?”
“I said not now.” His voice is sharp, like a slap to the face. “Leave your cell phone behind. We’re getting out of here.”
June folds her arms. “What’s going on, X?”
He glares at her before turning back to me. “I can’t explain. We just need to go. Now.”
I shake my head, pulling back against his embrace. “Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.”
His grip tightens even more, enough to border on painful. “There’s no time,” he says through clenched teeth. “I will tell you later. You have to trust me.”
I hesitate.
He shakes me hard enough to make me blink. “I’ll explain everything once you’re safe. Please.”
His request is not a request. The way his voice hardens tells me that much. Yet the way he’s looking at me, with so much desperation, is what sends me over the edge. His continued avoidance when it comes to the subject of my foster brother has my stomach churning with acid.
“Where the fuck is Ben?!”
Xavier’s jaw tightens before he grabs my hand. “We’re leaving.”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Damn it, Delilah!”
“Just tell me where he is!”
He exhales sharply through his nose. “He didn’t make it.”
I freeze.
No. NO. NO!
The words sink into my mind, into my soul, shattering everything into pieces.
A hollow ache forms inside me, a vast nothingness that leaves me feeling raw and exposed.
I stare up at Xavier, at the person who’s become my whole world.
At the man I’ve fallen in love with, the same one who’s broken my heart.
I open my mouth, but no words form. Only a chasm of pain as wide and deep as an ocean, opens and threatens to swallow me.
“We need to leave,” Xavier urges, his voice breaking through the fog of shock. “I’ll explain everything later.”
A knock sounds at the door, but I hardly register it. Xavier’s face goes hard, his gaze flickering from me to the entrance of the room. “Declan, take your bride and leave.”
I can’t comprehend what’s happening, my mind is moving too slowly, the shock of Ben’s death is paralyzing. My heart pounds louder than Xavier’s voice, louder than my thoughts, so deafening that I can’t do anything except stand there.
Agony slices through my chest, so intense it’s as though I’m being split open and someone is digging into my rib cage.
I clutch at my heart, my breaths coming in short, ragged gasps.
The room spins, and Xavier’s voice sounds distant, like we’re underwater.
Everything is fading, the colors and sounds blurring into darkness.
“Delilah!” Xavier’s voice pierces through the haze, filled with panic. I can barely see him through the spots dancing in my vision.
“X—” I try to speak, but the effort sends another wave of excruciating pain through my chest. It’s all-consuming.
“Declan, help me! Now!” Xavier’s hands are on my face, trying to keep me focused on him. “Stay with me, Delilah. Please, baby, stay with me,” he pleads.
I want to respond, to hold on to him, but the darkness is enveloping, comforting in its absence of pain.
There are footsteps, voices, and chaos swirling all around me, but it’s receding.
The last thing I feel is Xavier’s hand gripping mine, an anchor in the swirling dark.
Then, even that fades, and I surrender to the void, the pain slipping away, leaving nothing but darkness in its wake.