Chapter 11 Gwen #2
“Because we both know that’s what was going through your head when you killed David. His hand was around your throat, but you felt Troy’s. That’s what the root—”
“No shit that’s the root, Simone!” I threw my hands in the air. “Our ex-husbands are the root of all our god damn problems. That’s how we all wound up here. But that’s irrelevant.”
“It’s not though.” She stepped toward me, her voice softening. “Because you haven’t processed it. You still haven’t processed all the trauma Troy put you through. That’s why we’re constantly asking you to speak up in group, because you need to talk about it.”
Shaking my head, I yanked in a deep breath. “I’m literally fine.”
“Okay. Fine. You feel fine. But we both know how PTSD works. Two people can endure the exact same trauma, and the one who doesn’t talk about it, who doesn’t work through it, is the one who develops nightmares and flashbacks.
You have no one else to talk to about this.
I’m the only other person who knows. If you don’t talk—”
Honey erupted in a choir of barks.
She ran to the front door.
Simone and I both whipped our heads in that direction.
I followed Honey to the window and pulled back the white, sunflower speckled curtains. Rhiannon’s Jeep. A couple dozen yards away, slowly pulling into my driveway.
And I was grateful for it. A long, drawn out conversation about my feelings was the least of my concerns.
Over my shoulder, Simone said, “Knew that was coming. In the closet, or under the bed?”
“If you go in the closet, Honey’s gonna stand outside it and bark at you,” I said. “Under the bed, she’ll just follow you.”
“Under the bed it is. But this conversation isn’t over.”
I waved her off.
She ventured down the hall, and I glanced around. Simone wasn’t a messy cook, but the kitchen could use a quick wipe down. Plus it’d look natural when Rhiannon walked in.
Rag in hand, I scrubbed at the clumps of waffle batter on the Formica. It took longer than I expected for the knock to come. I called, “Come in.”
The doorknob jiggled. “It’s locked.”
Still holding the rag, I walked to the door. Opening it, I stepped aside to let her in. “Sorry about that. I thought I left it unlocked last night.”
“No worries, kid.” As Honey rushed to greet her, tail wagging wildly, Rhiannon laughed. She squatted down, told her a few sweet nothings, and straightened up with her hands on her hips. “You didn’t come to the kids’ concert last night?”
“Ah, shit.”
Until she mentioned it, I’d forgotten all about it.
It wasn’t a recital—those were scarce. Every Thursday, though, the kids who sang or played instruments gathered in the rec hall to show off what they were working on.
Usually, I was there. As a musician myself, I normally showed up to watch the next generation develop their skills and guide them when they needed help.
“I completely forgot,” I said. “Andrew stuck me at the bakery ‘til almost 9 with a million cakes to decorate. Just completely slipped my mind.”
“Eh, it happens.” Giving a smile, Rhiannon lowered herself to the sofa. “Just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay. Axel said you seemed a little agitated last night. But I guess I would be too if I decorated a million cakes.”
“Eighteen during what was supposed to be a four-hour shift, but close enough.” Chuckling, I joined her. Honey hopped up between us, and I gave her silky ears a scratch. “Yeah, I was just exhausted. Passed right out when I came in.”
“I bet. That Andrew’s a piece of work.” She made a tsk, tsk, tsk sound. “Did you hear Julia kicked him out?”
“Molly told me yesterday, but I still don’t have the details.”
“She found some text messages.” A shit-eating grin lined Rhiannon’s slim features. “You won’t guess who with.”
I propped my elbow on the back of the sofa, swiveling to face her better. “Don’t tease.”
“The Lamaze instructor.” Eyes widening, she shook her head. “Can you imagine? Cheating on your fiancé while she’s pregnant with your kid is awful enough. But also, being that instructor? Meeting a guy at a birthing class, where he’s with his fiancé, and thinking ‘hmm, that’s the one for me.’”
Surely my expression showed my disdain. “I wish I could say I’m surprised.”
“You and me both.” Rhiannon ran her fingers through Honey’s fur. “Anyhow, that’s not what I came up here for. I was wondering if you’d talked to Simone?”
“I did, yeah. Something about a lash extension class? Or conference? I think?”
“Something like that.” Her eyes lingered on my face a bit too long. Like she was watching for a signal that I knew more than I was saying. “She’s been here for almost four years now. I’ve never seen her act like she did Wednesday night.”
“Neither have I.”
“But I know you guys are close, and it’s not that I’m asking you to gossip.”
Smirking, I shook my head. “You would never.”
Another laugh, but it seemed forced. Like she already knew something, or a whole lot of things, and she was waiting for me to fess up. “Do you know what happened? Why she got so worked up, I mean?”
To the best of my ability, I gave her the same spiel I’d given Axel.
I couldn’t tell if Rhiannon believed me.
She nibbled the inside of her cheek. “Triggers are strange. I could see it.”
Could she? Or did she know I was lying? According to Axel, I wasn’t very good at it.
“Well, I could use her right now. Simone, I mean,” Rhiannon said. “She always does a good job with the new girls. Showing them around, telling them how the ranch works, all that stuff. I don’t know what it is, but she makes them feel right at home.
“The new girl, Delilah, really needs someone to introduce her to everything. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and with Simone at her class, I was wondering if you could give her a tour? You two seemed to get along pretty well.”
“I can,” I said. “But I’m not Simone. I can’t guarantee I’ll make her feel at home the way Simone would.”
“I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. You know how it is those first few days. It’s a ripe time for bonding.” Another smile, but she still watched my expression carefully. “Delilah asked about you yesterday. She liked you.”
I stifled a yawn. “Sure. It’s no problem.”
“Thanks, kid.” She stood. As she headed for the door, she gave me another smile over her shoulder. “I hope you have a good time tonight. Seems like Sebastian’s really looking forward to it.”
A hard swallow. “Yeah. Yeah, I hope so too.”
Hand on her hip again, she arched her brow. “Are you not looking forward to it?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but something between a harrumph and a laugh escaped instead. “No, yeah. I am. I’m looking forward to it.”
“‘No, yeah?’” Confusion pinched her forehead amid amusement. “Sounds like you’re unsure about it?”
“I am, I guess.” My cheeks got hot. “I don’t know.
He just wasn’t clear. He asked if I wanted to get dinner after I help Lizzie, but we get meals together all the time.
He seemed really awkward and uncomfortable when he asked, and then he was awkward yesterday when he stopped by the bakery, so I’m just a little confused. ”
“You don’t know if it’s a date or not.”
Pressing my lips together, I shrugged again.
“It’s cool if it is. It’s cool if it isn’t.
But now I’m not sure if he was awkward and uncomfortable because he thought I thought it was a date, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings?
Or if he was weird because he wasn’t sure if I thought it wasn’t a date, and I was going to hurt his feelings. ”
Rhiannon laughed. “I see the way he looks at you. Pretty sure it’s a date, kid.”
“Pretty sure, as in, he told you it was?”
Another laugh. “Ask him.”
I grunted my annoyance.
“Okay, now hear me out for a second.” Rhiannon’s tone became as soft as her volume. “You’ve only been with two guys, right?”
An inarguable fact. “Yeah, I guess.”
“And both of those relationships were bad.” She lifted her shoulders, speaking that almost as a question.
When I nodded, she continued. “Those guys were super affectionate in the beginning. They told you how beautiful you were, all the things they liked about you, they treated you like a goddess at the start of the relationship.”
“Pretty much.” I wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but it sounded like data analysis, and I liked facts. “I knew for sure they were interested.”
“Because they were love bombing you. It’s an abuse tactic.
They give you so much at the start, and then they slowly give you less.
A healthy relationship starts out a little more ambiguous.
It strengthens over time, those declarations of love come later.
” Another shrug. “So is it possible that your uncertainty comes from that? And not because of anything Sebastian’s doing? ”
Damn. As the dots connected, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “Hadn’t thought about it that way.”
“Just something to consider,” she said, reaching for the door handle. “Anyway, Delilah’ll be down at the cafeteria whenever you’re ready. And if I don’t see you before you head out, I hope you two have a good time.”
To that, all I did was sigh. “Drive safe. The snow’s a mess out there.”
Saying a few more pleasantries, Rhiannon continued outside. I peeked out the curtains behind her. She was in the car and turning it over in heartbeats. As she backed out of the driveway, I called to Simone, “She’s—”
“Date?” I jumped at her voice and turned around to see her already in the hallway. “You’re going on a date, and you didn’t tell me?”
“When would I have had time?”
“Um, I don’t know, last night on our drive home?” She narrowed her gaze. “This is a huge deal. Something you’re supposed to tell your best friend about, bitch.”
Exhaling, I headed past her to my bedroom. “I don’t even know if it’s a date.”
“Rhiannon’s known Sebastian since he was a little kid,” Simone said, trailing behind me. “If she says it’s a date, it’s a date.”
“She didn’t say it’s a date.” I started digging in my drawers. “And sorry. Kinda had to deal with covering up a murder before I got to gush to my best friend about getting dinner with another friend.”
“But you don’t want to talk about that either.” She trailed behind me as I walked to the bathroom. “You don’t want to talk about your date, you don’t want to talk about the murder—”
“Repeat that sentence.” I laid my clothes on the bathroom counter and stared Simone in the eyes. “Repeat it and then tell me why it’s possible I haven’t wanted to talk about everything right now, Simone.”
Frowning, she crossed her arms against her chest. “Fine. I’ll back off. But we’re gonna have to talk about everything eventually.”
“Eventually,” I agreed. “Right now, I need to take a shower, do my makeup, and go show Delilah around. So.” I made a pushing motion with my hands. “If you don’t mind.”