Chapter 33 Sebastian #2
I’d expected her to say something. Ask something, or blurt how despicable I was. Just something, anything.
But Gwen stayed silent, just staring at Jason’s body in the soil.
Maybe she did. Maybe she hated me.
I couldn’t blame her. Only an animal could do what I had done and feel no remorse for it.
Another tear burned across my eye. I slapped it away.
“Do you?” I asked her. “Regret it?”
She spared David a glance and shook her head. “No,” she said. “I don’t. I did what I had to.”
Biting my lip, my eyes went back to the grave.
Snow accumulated against his leathery skin now.
“I didn’t have to. It wasn’t self-defense.
But when he said that, I could picture him saying the same thing about Lizzie.
Or another woman he’d bring into the picture.
He would do to her what he did to Sarah, and maybe he’d get custody of Lizzie, and she’d watch that.
She’d experience it, and she would wind up exactly where her mother was.
And I couldn’t. I couldn’t let it happen. ”
Slowly, Gwen lowered herself to the footrest on the tractor. She didn’t comment on what I said, only stared at Jason. “No one questioned his disappearance?”
I shook my head. “Not really, no. He was already planning on leaving, so that’s what everyone assumed he did. I think his dad helped him cover it up. After that, I think they came to an understanding. Sheriff never wanted to see Jason in this town again. But I don’t know for sure.”
Her eyes came back to mine, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She didn’t look afraid. Didn’t look happy either. Just attentive. Like she had a pair of tweezers, and she used them to dissect my every word. “Did you ever talk to him? The sheriff?”
“After it happened?” I asked. She nodded.
“No. I got on a plane the next morning. Went back to college. Sheriff retired a few months later. My plan was to get custody of Lizzie once I finished my degree and everything. My mom agreed that was best. She was ‘done raising kids.’” I held up air quotes.
“I thought that I would run into him when I came back to Black Pines.
I did once, when I brought Liz to the grocery store right after my parents died.
“He was sick. I don’t know what was wrong with him, don’t know if he’s alive or dead now, but he could barely look at me.
One glance at Liz had him tearing up. It’s screwed up, but I smiled at that.
Knowing how ashamed he was of the son he’d raised.
” A deep breath fell from my nostrils, loosening my shoulders and forming a cloud before my face.
“But yeah, no one really questioned anything.”
“And you’re okay with it?” Her voice was quiet. Not accusative, but soft. Curious. “It doesn’t keep you up at night?”
“This part has.” Shoulders dropping with relief, a half-laugh escaped me.
“Bottling all this up. Keeping it quiet. That’s been hard.
Exhausting. Sometimes, I just stand in the bathroom mirror and rationalize it.
Like I talk myself through what I did, why I did it, why it was the right thing.
But most of the time, no, it doesn’t keep me up at night. ”
“No one else knows? You never told anyone?”
“Not until right now. Pretty sure that’s how I got away with it.
People talk. You don’t give them anything to talk about, and no one finds the body, then there’s no trail for them to follow.
” But it all fell so effortlessly from my tongue today.
My tense shoulders were soft, my turning stomach settled.
“Holy shit, though, this feels good. It feels so good to let it all out.”
Gwen winced.
Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. “Not in a crazy, psychopath kind of way. It didn’t feel good to do it.
It didn’t feel good to pull David’s body out of the creek either.
I hated it. The cleanup, the mess, the blood, the lying.
I didn’t do any of it because I liked it.
I did it because it needed done. And I hated that it needed done.
It was the right thing to do. The world’s a better place without these men in it.
If I had to do it again, I would, but not because I want to.
Just because I’m tired of watching. I’m tired of seeing horrible men ruin good women.
“And when they do stand up for themselves, when they do leave, they’re the villains.
Like my parents and Sarah. They were so angry at Rhiannon for giving her a place to stay, for giving her a choice, for ‘breaking up a family.’ But then this bastard killed her.
He killed her, god damn it.” My fingers tightened, and my jaw clenched.
“They acted like he was her mess to clean up. Like he just made some mistakes, but if she was good enough, she could fix him. And she tried, but she couldn’t, and when she finally threw in the towel, he killed her.
“It was almost like those sons of bitches were in on it too. They wouldn’t listen when I said it wasn’t a suicide.
They thought it made sense. A young girl, already married, already raising a child.
Her life was over now. No one else would want her.
And I…” Massaging my eyes between my thumb and forefinger, I shook my head.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m rambling. I’ve just had so many thoughts and feelings about it all over the years, and I’ve never been able to tell anyone. So thank you. Thank you for listening.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Gwen’s voice was still soft. “And I don’t think you’re a psychopath.”
Was it a laugh that parted my lips? It must’ve been, because she let one out too.
We held one another’s gaze, and for a few heartbeats, did nothing else.
But maybe we could. Maybe we understood one another now. Maybe this would bring us closer together in some screwed up, twisted way.
“I know this is a lot,” I said. “And I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. When I got rid of the body, I wasn’t trying to hold it over your head or use it to control you. I was just scared. I didn’t want to get caught any more than you do.”
“I know.” For the first time all evening, she squatted and laid the gun on the ground. “But you shouldn’t have lied to me. And the anonymous texting shit was a little crazy, Sebastian.”
Scratching my head, I shrugged again. “I was just afraid of a digital footprint. I saw you in his car, so I had to make sure that you got rid of it. How did you get rid of it?”
“Drove it down to Great Falls.” She crossed her arms against her chest. “Paid a homeless guy to junk it for me after I scraped off all the VINs.”
My brows lifted. “Smart.”
“Thanks.” Swallowing hard, she gestured to the rays of pink and blue that crested the edge of the sky. “Sun’s coming up. We should get you home before Lizzie wakes up.”
We should get you home.
She wasn’t planning on coming back with me.
“Right.” Clearing my throat, I stood up. “Do you still want the body?”
She shook her head. “I just want to go home. Get my head on straight.”
That lump swelled in my throat again. All that relief in my shoulders wound back up. Stiffening, I nodded. “Let me clean this, and I’ll take you to your car.”