41. Raven
41
RAVEN
T oday is Daddy’s birthday.
I’m the only one of the five of us who remembers his birthday. Eagle is too little, and maybe Hawk too, so I guess they get an excuse. But Falcon is older than I am, and Robbie is of course the same age as I am.
I guess some people are just better at remembering birthdays.
I got up early and made him blueberry pancakes all by myself. Our housekeeper offered to help me, but I wouldn’t let her. I want Daddy to know that I made these from scratch.
They came out pretty well. A little burnt. But it’s my first time. Daddy will still gobble them up. He loves blueberry pancakes. He’ll especially like them if he knows I made them for him.
I make a big stack of pancakes on a plate and place a big square of butter on top. I’m serving the syrup on the side, because that’s the way they do it in restaurants. I also poured him a big glass of orange juice. I don’t like orange juice, but Daddy does. I prefer my Orange Crush. Mommy says it’s bad for me, but I learned in school that it has less sugar than regular orange juice. Mommy didn’t think it was funny when I pointed that out.
I checked when I woke up to see if he was still in bed. He wasn’t. Daddy usually gets up early to check things out on the ranch, but today he’s taking the day off for his birthday. He’s probably in his study, so I’ll bring his breakfast in there.
I put the plate of pancakes, the container of syrup, and the glass of orange juice on a tray and carefully carry it to his office door, making sure the orange juice doesn’t splash everywhere.
The door is closed, but I can see that the latch isn’t in place, so I’ll be able to open it up with my hip.
I walk inside, beaming.
“Happy birthday, Da ? — ”
Daddy isn’t alone. There’s a man in his office. His skin is tan, he has dark hair, and he looks…just a little slimy.
Daddy looks at me and widens his eyes. “Raven!” he yells. “Get out of here! Can’t you see I’m in a meeting?”
I drop my jaw. Daddy doesn’t ever yell at me.
I want to leave, but I’m frozen in place. The tray in my hands feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.
“Raven, did I stutter? Leave!”
I drop the tray. The plate under the pancakes shatters into a million pieces, as does the glass of orange juice. The syrup and the juice splatter everywhere, and the pancakes I worked so hard on all by myself are ruined.
I burst into tears and run out of the office.
“Raven. Whatever is the matter, darling?”
It’s my grandma. She came over to help Mom with the preparations for Daddy’s birthday party tonight.
I run into her arms, bawling.
“Honey, what is it?”
I wipe my eyes. “Daddy yelled at me. I came into this office to surprise him with breakfast. And he was talking to someone and he got mad at me for interrupting.”
Grandma strokes my hair. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”
I look up at her. “He’s never yelled at me like that. And I’ve accidentally interrupted him before. Normally he’s calm.”
Grandma takes a deep breath in. “Raven, my angel. I’ve got a secret for you. Something that every child must learn eventually. Promise you won’t tell?”
A secret? What is Grandma talking about?
“I promise.”
Grandma gives me a smile, but her eyes are sad. “Grown-ups make mistakes. And your father has made a big one.”
“He has?”
She nods slowly. “He has. He thinks I know nothing about it, but people tend to underestimate old women. We know a lot more than people think we do.”
“Is Daddy going to fix his mistake?”
“I sure hope he does, sweetie.” Grandma looks out the window and lets out a sigh. “I’m not sure if it will happen in my lifetime, but your Daddy is a good man. But he has…his own secrets. Every grown-up does.”
“They do?”
“Yes. And I’m sure you have secrets too, right?”
I wipe a tear from my cheeks. “Sometimes I sneak the dog scraps from the table. Especially if it’s something I don’t like.”
Grandma chuckles. “Of course. Remember that, Raven. Remember that everyone has little secrets. And sometimes you’re better off not asking questions you don’t want the answer to.”
I jerk myself out of my daydream. I’m in the car with Vinnie. His people are driving us to the hospital.
That voice from the dreams, the one telling me to remember something…
It’s my grandmother. It’s a memory from the day I walked in on my father in his office talking with that strange man. The strange man who looked like he was up to no good.
She told me to remember that everyone has little secrets.
I haven’t thought about that day in forever. I always just thought that my father was in a bad mood and overreacted.
But now, in the light of his attempted suicide, I can’t help but wonder.
Is Dad involved with something bad?
I try not to cry when I see my father in the ICU bed, hooked up to all kinds of monitors. So many times he had to look at me like this.
It must have been awful for him.
My mother sits next to him. Robin, Falcon, Hawk, and Eagle are here, but they’re in the waiting area with Vinnie and Jared. The staff doesn’t like more than two visitors in the room at a time.
I sit in the hard, uncomfortable chair near the window as I watch my father sleep. I let the silence of the room wrap itself around me, the steady beep of the heart monitor the only sound that breaks through. I trace the weathered lines on his hands.
My mother’s face is a mask of calm, but her eyes betray her fear. She squeezes my father’s other hand gently. “How could he do this?” she asks, but I don’t feel like she’s talking to me.
She’s talking to the universe.
A nurse walks in, her face impassive behind her sterile mask. She checks my father’s vitals and gives us a curt nod before leaving. Her detached professionalism does nothing to ease the tension in the room.
I squeeze his hand. “Daddy,” I whisper. “You have so much to live for. How could you?”
His eyes flicker open. “Ray,” he croaks out.
“I’m here. Mom’s here.”
“I need to see Vinnie,” he says.
I raise my eyebrows. “Vinnie? Why?”
“Is he here with you?”
How would my father know that? “Yes, he’s here.”
“Please. I need to talk to him. Before I fall asleep again.”
“Okay. I’ll get him.”
I walk back out to the waiting area and grab Vinnie’s hand. “He says he wants to see you.”
My brothers all raise their eyebrows, though not one of them speaks. They’re still all in shock.
“Why me?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask.” I wipe a tear from my cheek. “I just want… I want whatever he wants.”
Vinnie nods. “Of course. I’ll go.”
He follows me down the hallway to my father’s room.
Dad’s eyes are still open, and Mom is wiping his forehead with a cool towel. His head is bandaged.
“I’m back, Daddy,” I say. “Vinnie is with me.”
“Thank you.” Dad tries to clear the hoarseness from his throat. “I need to talk to Vinnie alone.”
“Daddy…”
“Go, Raven.” He looks at Mom. “You too, Star.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Mom says.
“Please,” Dad says. “It’s only for a minute. Please.”
Mom stands, gulping. She looks at me, her forehead wrinkled, her eyes sunken and sad. Is she looking for reassurance? I have none to give.
“Come on.” I take Mom’s hand and lead her out. “Everything will be okay.”
Mom grabs a tissue and dabs her eyes. “How could he do this, Ray? Why would he do this?”
I don’t reply.
Because I have no answer.