38. Wynter
PRESENT
N ine months without Basilio DiLustro.
Counting days without him became part of my routine. Regardless of what was going on in my life.
No matter how brutal the last two months had been.
They had been the most exhausting months of my life. Maybe it was the state of my mind. Even after all this time, Bas was a constant whisper in the back of my mind. Sometimes I even had a full blown conversation with him.
Yes, it was disturbing, but it got me through.
“Man, even when you’re sweaty you look fucking beautiful,” Derek commented.
I smiled at his compliment. I liked Derek, but I worried about showing him that. We went out a few times, but I immediately realized my mistake. To me it was just a friendly way of hanging out and getting comfortable with my partner. To him, it was more.
So whenever we were required to make an appearance at an event or for a sponsor, I dragged my girls with me. Much to their dismay, but they always came through.
“Okay, one more time,” my mother’s voice came through the skating rink.
“Your mother is merciless,” Derek grumbled, the corners of his mouth barely flexing.
He was right. She was merciless. It was almost midnight and our flight out was tomorrow. The Olympics didn't start for another five days, but we didn’t want to risk the weather turning for the worse.
The two of us came to our positions, in the middle of the rink. I rolled my shoulders, Derek did the same. Sometimes we moved so similarly, it was freaky.
I turned my head to look at him. He wasn’t a bad looking man, with his brown hair and warm eyes. He was tall and strong, just a few years older than me. But I couldn’t help but compare him to Bas. I compared everyone to him and somehow, everyone faded in comparison to him.
Brad Pitt. Nah, I’ll pass .
Theo James. No, I’m good.
Basilio DiLustro. Yes, please and thank you. Pathetic, considering he betrayed me. Clearly, my self-respect was lacking.
“Ready?” My mom’s voice stopped my handsome ranking comparison.
Both of us nodded.
The music came on. My favorite Dua Lipa song. I had to fight my mother and Derek on the choice of music. I won, though reluctantly. “Hotter than Hell” would be our freestyle, short program.
I shut my mind down, wishing Mom would let me skate with AirPods on. It was so much easier to tune out the world, but it wasn’t allowed during competitions so it made sense she forbid it during practice too.
The moment we started skating, I felt the weight lift off my chest. It was what I loved about this sport, though I preferred to skate alone. The adrenaline from the last hour of skating still pumped through my veins.
“Perfect height,” Mom commended. Derek and I flew through the air, doing side-by-side jumps together. Triple Lutz. Then the Axel jump. We had to be doing good because no corrections were shouted across the rink in her firm coach voice.
Probably another reason she wouldn’t allow me headphones while skating.
Four minutes and thirty seconds.
And we were done. It was all that took for both Derek and I to breathe hard and choppy, our heartbeats racing. Our eyes met and we both knew it. We nailed it.
He cupped my face and I had to stifle a wince.
“That Olympic gold is ours,” he beamed.
I nodded. The competition would be fierce, I knew it. But we worked hard and gave it our all. It was all we could do.
My eyes sought out my mom, our coach, sitting in the stands. A nod of approval. “We’re ready.”
We. This was for her, even before I knew the full story of what happened. I was happy about my achievements four years ago. After that, I skated to relax and get lost in it. I never imagined going back to it as a professional.
She stood up and I saw her wince, then she limped slowly down to the gate opening it to wait for us.
Derek and I headed toward her, where she already waited for us with skate guards. I took the offered plastic and slipped them over my blades. Derek did the same.
Then we stepped onto solid ground. Coach gave us her firm stare.
“Tomorrow we fly out,” she started, then glanced at Derek.
“You’ll fly with us.” Uncle Brennan secured a private plane for us.
It made it easier to travel for sure. And safer.
Then she returned her eyes to me. “You skated your best, Star. I’m proud of you.
” My mother was the only person on this entire planet who called me Star.
It was my middle name, but according to her, it should have been my first. But she caved in to Grandpa.
“You did well feeling the music and synchronizing your moves to Derek’s. ”
I nodded, my breathing still slightly hitched.
“Do you ladies want me to drive you home?” Derek offered and I shook my head.
“No, thank you,” I told him. “I drove Mom’s car.”
My Jeep was still in New York, but Mom had a car here despite that most of the time she couldn’t drive. Her knee hurt her too much and she could never quite master driving with her left foot. She even had her knee replaced but it still bothered her.
Derek pecked me on the cheek, nodded at his coach, then turned around and was gone.
I sat on the closest bench and stretched my legs out ahead of me. Every single muscle in my body ached as I bent over and started undoing my laces. In my head, I was going over the list of things I had to pack and things I should talk to Mom about, but I kept avoiding.
Maybe I could just do it after the Olympics. I didn’t want to upset her and ruin this moment for her.
“Your bodyguard came and checked on you.” She broke the silence and my shoulders instantly tensed.
She made it clear that she disliked Sasha.
Since I came back to California, he’d been popping in and out, randomly.
He appointed himself my guardian. I appreciated it, I really did.
Except it made my mother agitated every time.
“Hmmm.” I made a small noise. I hoped she’d drop it. I was certain she was just as tired as I was.
“I don’t like him around you.” Yep, no such luck. Even midnight hours couldn’t tame her displeasure. I wished Juliette was here to distract her. She had become good at that.
“Sasha’s a good guy,” I mumbled, as I pulled on my chucks and sharp pain pierced through my chest. God, will it ever stop? Every single time I put shoes on, the image of Bas kneeling down flashed in my mind. It started as a fairy tale and ended-
No, I couldn’t think about it right now.
I set my skates into their protective case, then zipped my bag. I dug out the car keys from the pocket of the duffle bag, then picked it up off the ground and threw it over my shoulder.
“Are we ready?”
Both of us headed out of the complex and over the empty parking lot that was now lit up like a goddamn stadium. Courtesy of Sasha Nikolaev. To ensure there was nobody lurking in the dark when he wasn’t around.
And my mother doesn’t like him , I scoffed in my head. She was nuts. It should be exactly the kind of guy mothers should want for their girls.
I clicked the button on my fob and slid into the driver seat, then waited for my mother to settle in. It took her a moment since bending her knee caused her pain. I never complained about her taking her time. It was the least I could do.
Once she was inside, she clicked her seatbelt and I did the same.
Just as I put the keys in the ignition and started the car, my mother spoke again, “Men like him, whether good or not, they destroy people’s lives.”
I shot her a sideways glance. I understood now why she’d say something like that. I didn’t necessarily disagree either. But we were born into this world. The underworld. No matter how far we moved, that life was always a part of us. There was no escaping it.
“Mom, after the Olympics, I’m done with competing,” I declared, changing the subject.
My mother’s head snapped my way. “You’re too young to retire.”
I shrugged. “The girls and I want to start a school. I might open a rink and coach. I don’t know. But I won’t be competing.”
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
“Why?”
I took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled.
“I’m doing this for you. You wanted this, not me.
Single skating was my thing. Pairs was yours.
Yours and-” My words faltered. I didn’t want to cause her anguish, but just as Uncle kept me in the dark, so did Mom.
Neither one of them bothered to enlighten Juliette nor I.
Besides, the moment seemed opportune and there was just something easier about driving and talking.
“Yours and my dad’s, I’m guessing. But that was taken away from you when you were shot in the knee. ”
Mother’s gasp sounded in the cabin of her little Honda car. My eyes flickered her way to see her pale and I fucking hated that I upset her. I could sort of see why Uncle kept protecting us, knowing that saying some things could bring pain. But eventually pain came regardless.
“What happened, Mom?” I whispered. For once, I wanted someone to tell me the entire story.
The silence stretched and just when I was certain she wouldn’t tell me, she started, “I don’t know how much you know.”
“Pretend I know nothing,” I told her. “And tell me everything.”
A dark and bitter laugh, unlike any I heard from her before, left her lips.
“Well, let’s start with my father who kidnapped my mother from a powerful Pakhan.
” Her hands clutched around her thick grey sweater.
She never bothered wearing a jacket. “But then he fell in love. Your grandpa can be quite romantic, you know.” I nodded because I did know.
The way he talked about grandma could make you cry.
“I fear you might have inherited that gene,” she continued.
I didn’t say anything, because truthfully, I wasn’t sure that I didn’t.
Juliette accused me once of being a realist with the most romantic of hearts.
“Anyhow, I was the product of that fiasco. Liam took care of me more than father did. He grieved too much or maybe I reminded him too much of my mother. I don’t know.
I learned much later in life than you that I enjoyed ice skating.
I was good.” I nodded. She had a good eye for everything ice skating related.
“Though I dare say, you’re better.” When I went to protest, she raised her hand and stopped me.
“You are better, Star. And I am very proud of you. Both you and Juliette. I know I don’t say it enough. ”
My throat squeezed and my fingers gripped the wheel so hard, my knuckles hurt. She rarely praised us. So the two of us made it a practice to praise each other. Even when we did dumb stuff. Like stealing money from the mafia.
Fuck, I wished Juliette was here to hear this. She needed this too.
Mom’s left hand reached out and she placed it over my right one that clutched the steering wheel. “I love you, Star. Regardless of the history.”
I swallowed hard. “What do you mean?”
“I moved to Chicago when I was barely sixteen. They had an ice skating program and I had to be in it.” The way she said had made me think she insisted on being in it.
“Liam made it happen for me. My poor brother always tried to make things happen for me. Two months in a foreign city, I learned how to fool my guards. I’d pretend I went to sleep and then sneak out.
” I couldn’t help but smile since it was exactly what Juliette and I did.
“One night I ran into a man. I fell in love; I thought I’d die without him.
I spent more time with him than skating.
I wanted to be his whole world, just as he was mine.
But I was way too young to understand the brutality of our world.
It was too late when I learned who he was.
A married man, with a child of his own already. ”
By this time, we were home and I parked the car. Neither one of us moved. We had never had conversations like this and I wasn’t about to interrupt this one.
“I had a baby at seventeen and I lost that baby,” she said, her expression full of pain, it broke my heart.
I couldn’t take it so I leaned over and wrapped my arms around her.
I hugged her tightly, wishing I could ease all her pain.
Even after all these years, her pain was so vibrant.
It didn’t give me hope for healing and getting over Bas.
“I came back to New York. Unfortunately, I caught the eye of Gio DiLustro.” A disgusting shudder ran down my spine.
I couldn’t think of that despicable man without fear and disgust.
“Why did he shoot you?” I rasped.
“Because I refused him,” she whispered. “Gio DiLustro wanted more power and through my connection to the Volkov family, he thought he’d get it.
Maybe he would have, or maybe not. I didn’t care to find out.
Liam kept him away from me while I put all my energy into skating with your father.
He was a good man. It wasn’t a passionate kind of love.
More of the mutually caring kind. It was enough for me though.
After the pain I experienced, I didn’t want the kind of love that could consume you, only to leave you empty when without them. ”
Mom pulled away slightly and took my face between her hands. “You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Your distraction.”
My heart stilled and went ice cold. If she learned about another DiLustro destroying our family and told Liam, it could cause more deaths. My family’s. Basilio’s , I worried reluctantly.
And like a coward I remained silent. I couldn’t admit it. Not yet. Not now.
“Finish the story, Mom,” I croaked, the words choking my throat and the vise around my heart squeezing.
“I got pregnant, skating took a pause, but I coached a bit. I couldn’t stand to be away from the ice rink.
I was about five months pregnant with you,” she murmured, her gaze looking out the windshield and into the darkness.
“Your father and I ran into Gio alone, right after he learned that it was his brother I gave my virginity to. So he decided he’d take it all away from me, to make me pay for my refusal.
Your father, my skating, and you. He succeeded in the first two, but not you. ”
The past whipped around us, the cool winter air seeped through the windows, but it wasn’t bitter cold like the truth.
“I love you, Mom,” I whispered, hugging her tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
I’m so sorry I didn’t kill Gio DiLustro when I had the chance and ended his cruel life.