41. Wynter
Wynter
“Y ou have done well, Star. Now finish it and bring home the gold.”
I nodded, without turning to look at my mother.
At this moment, she was my coach. Truthfully, she had been more coach than mother my entire life.
At least now after our conversation, I understood the reason behind it and I was fine with it.
Maybe coaching was her coping mechanism, just as shoving all my feelings somewhere deep down in a dark abyss was my way of dealing with all the shit.
The familiar, dull ache swelled in my chest. I was used to it by now. I didn’t think it’d ever go away. It might ease, but it’d be part of me until the day I died. Bas would forever drum through my veins with each heartbeat.
Derek stood behind me and his hands came to both my shoulders. I hated any man’s touch but with Derek it was a necessity. I had learned to cope with it.
“Good?”
I kept my breathing steady. “Yeah.”
I hadn’t told him this would be my last competition. Mother knew and we both agreed there was no sense putting that burden on him. This was our home run. Once we won the gold, I had to put an end to all of this. Figure out who I was. Without ice skating and without Bas.
Derek would have to find himself a new partner.
My eyes focused on the pair performing. We’d be the last ones on the ice. Go big or go home. I intended to go big, then go home. Wherever that was.
A tingle of awareness shot through me and I searched the crowd in the stands. It was packed. Fans with the banners for their favorite couples. I didn’t see anyone who stood out, yet I couldn’t shake off the feeling of being watched. And not by the crowd of fans.
It was the familiar kind of gaze that sent shivers down my spine. The kind that felt like a warm caress over my skin. Goosebumps rose along my flesh, and awareness touched my soul. God, sometimes I wished I’d felt nothing. Like Alexei Nikolaev.
Instead I felt so damn much, I felt like shattered glass on the inside while on the outside, I tried to keep my shit together. Be the perfect skater. Be the perfect partner. Be the perfect daughter and friend.
I just wasn’t perfect for anything anymore, but to be Bas’ woman. A familiar need to scream scratched at my throat.
I blinked. Black suit. Broad shoulders. Pale blue eyes.
Alexei and Aurora stood with Davina, the latter two watching me with worry in their eyes. I smiled, while my throat squeezed. I was falling apart. I knew it. They knew it. The thread would snap. I just had to make it through one last performance.
“You don’t have to do this,” Davina mouthed. Her belly was so big, I was sure she was harboring twins in her womb. She assured me the doctors said there was only one baby.
“Just say the word,” Sasha joined the three. “And we leave. Screw the Olympics.”
Derek scoffed behind me. “Why would she want to leave? We are one last performance away from the gold.”
This time I met Derek’s eyes and shook my head. “Let’s just stay focused,” I rasped, my voice hoarse. “We do this and we’re golden.”
You’re golden.
I felt Derek’s hands on my shoulders again and couldn’t help the flinching but I quickly hid it.
We’ve warmed up. We went through the routine one more time. There was nothing more to do. Just wait for our turn. I wanted it over with, but on the other hand, I worried about what that ending would mean for me.
“Your uncle is here,” Derek whispered into my ear and it had me looking up. The last time my uncle came to my competition, it was at the last Olympics. Other than that, he didn’t come around for my competitions. It just wasn’t his thing.
I recognized him sitting next to Juliette and Ivy, Cassio and his wife on the other side of him. Even Nico, his wife, and kids were here. The whole damn underworld. I was surprised my mother didn’t say anything about it.
The women waved their arms like crazy, grinning and more than likely screaming. They looked so fucking excited while I… I felt nothing. Dead on the inside.
Just so goddamn empty.
I shoved the feelings that threaten to rise up and choke me somewhere deep down in a dark hole. I couldn’t feel it anymore. If the pain took hold of my throat, I’d lose before I even stepped on the ice. We’d lose , I reminded myself.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and lifted my hand, then waved it at my family.
My uncle and I came to an understanding, though tension still ran thick at times. We used Davina to soothe our tension.
The music ended and I returned my attention to the two figure skaters as they got off the ice.
Mom took mine and Derek’s hand into hers, zeroed her eyes on us and said, “You’re both ready. Make me proud.” She gave us both a smile, one of those rare ones. “It’s your time. Go big.” Or go home .
We both nodded. I slid my hand into Derek’s and we made our way to the opening into the ice.
I took my skate guards off and handed them to my coach.
My mother. Our eyes connected and I caught a flicker of worry in hers, but she quickly masked it.
She was good at hiding her feelings. I was slowly catching up.
The second my toe pick hit the ice, the audience burst into a loud cheer. I zoned it all out. The wild crowd. The cheers. The chanting.
“They are going nuts over you,” Derek murmured softly into my ear.
“And you,” I answered automatically.
I used to live and breathe skating. It felt like home. Like love, so fucking right and invincible. And now I felt like a fraud, because the only way I could function on ice was by pretending that Bas was with me. It was always about him. He was my beginning and my end.
Hand in hand, Derek and I skated out toward the middle of the ice together. The crowd’s screams got louder and wilder.
Star! Star! Star!
Derek! Derek! Derek!
We both got into our places. My hands and knees got into the position. Our eyes locked and the music started.
My first glide across the ice and everyone was forgotten. The song “Astronomical” by SVRCINA came on and Bas’ face flashed in my mind. My body relaxed and the feeling of oblivion traveled through my veins.
Temporarily, I forgot it all. The pain. The past. The cruelty.
I floated between heaven and earth.
It felt like when Bas held me. Like the euphoria of a lover.
I didn’t think, I just let the routine and muscle memory guide me and all the while my heart was with the man I lost my heart to.
The music mix changed to “Legends Are Made” and with the beat I went into triple Axel, perfectly in sync with Derek’s.
The adrenaline rush swam through my veins as we took a half loop and then we were leaping into the air into a quadruple jump in Salchow.
Another loop, the music and each move was part of me, buried in my bones. Ingrained in every fiber, just as Bas was.
I skated backwards, Derek forward as we shifted into a dance lift and the world spun in a circle. This was what I lived for, it was the best feeling in the world. The pain, the adrenaline, the exhilaration. It was my adrenaline shot, the only one that worked for me.
Until Basilio DiLustro.
Months of practice and pain from hitting the hard surface of the unforgiving ice. This was it. It was all for this. My breathing elevated, a sheer layer of sweat ran down my spine despite the icy temperature. Another crescendo reached its peak and this was it.
The death spiral.
Derek pivoted me around a curve holding my left hand, my body horizontal and low to the ice. I couldn’t see anything, the only thing I felt were the motions, each move ingrained in me, anticipated. Then I was thrown, flying through the air, landing perfectly.
I heard screaming and cheers in the audience.
Coming to a perfect halt, our bodies lined up and both of our breathing heavy, I locked eyes with Derek. With our final pose, the music ended.
One breath. Two breaths.
“We did it,” I breathed out, panting in and out. And we were fucking amazing if the cheers and screaming was anything to go by.
“Yes,” Derek shouted, swinging his hand through the air.
I breathed hard, both my hands covering my face, and I bent over. My lungs were killing me.
“That’s how the legends are made,” the crowd screamed over and over again.
Despite it all, I smiled with disbelief and returned Derek’s hug.
“We fucking did it,” he whispered.