21. Van
Van
I t had been three days since I heard from Summer.
This time, she didn’t respond to my texts and calls at all. I had sent messages, sent food to the hotel for her lunches, and stopped by there to be told she was out. I had even texted Devin to check on her, who responded that Summer was fine but offered no more information.
Time had run out alongside my patience.
She didn’t want to have this thing with me anymore, then she could tell me to my face.
I had to knock over a minute before she opened the door.
With a sudden step back, I took in the sickly, wild-haired woman before me.
“Why are you knocking so loud?” she asked with a craggy voice.
“I—” Clearing my throat, I reassessed why I came over. “I hadn’t heard from you and—”
“Because I’ve been sick,” she croaked.
“You’re not—” I motioned in front of my stomach.
She recoiled. “No, gross. Ugh, not gross but not now. Ack—” She ran a hand over her sallow face, then shook it out as if something were crawling on them. “No. I’m not pregnant. It’s some nasty flu or something.”
It’s not as if I wanted her to be pregnant. We were—well, we weren’t in a place to have a baby, that was for sure.
But instead of a hearty relief, there was a spark of disappointment. The idea didn’t scare me the way it should have. A flash of grey-eyed, light-haired children. Summer with a bundle in her arms. I liked it.
“That’s good.”
She groaned, running a hand over her mouth. Eyes bulging, she bolted to the bathroom.
I followed and leaned against the doorframe.
Once done, she propped her face on her chin and turned slightly toward me, her eyes closed. “I don’t want you to see me like this.”
I laughed. “Are you forgetting our romantic first date? I’ve already seen you barf, Summer.”
She groaned again, pulling herself up to stand. At the sink, she swished water and spat it out. “And once was enough. I can handle this myself. You don’t need to stay with me.”
“I know I don’t. I want to.”
She stumbled past me, making her way into the bedroom, where she collapsed on her messy bed and kicked the blanket over her feet. “Ugh, why are you so nice?” She grumbled. “Where is the fuck boy I was promised? Huh?”
“Is that really what you want?”
The sickness was bringing out a vulnerability in her she wouldn’t normally allow.
“Yeah, because if you’re an asshole, I won’t start feeling things that are terrible for me. I can fuck a guy, and it’s fine. But to . . . like . . . him, ugh. Trouble, trouble.”
I wasn’t going to press her on that, not while she was half asleep, but I would revisit it later.
“Go to sleep, Sunshine.”
She wrinkled her nose at me and snorted a whimper. “Fine.”
Her breathing slowed and body stilled.
Content that she was finally back to sleep, I pushed myself up to stand.
I was no more than two steps into the hallway when she called out, “Are you leaving?”
“No, I was going to get you a fresh glass of water.”
“Okay.” Her voice softened as she closed her eyes. “Can you stay?”
“There is nowhere else I want to be.” I tucked sweaty hair away from her face.
There was no response, just a gentle snore.
Two hours later, I returned, grocery bags in hand. I kicked my door closed and headed for the stairs when a door opened and a pretty woman with blue eyes and auburn hair poked her head out.
“Hey. Van, right?”
Stopping, I furrowed my brow. “Yeah?”
Her door left wide open, she approached me. “I’m Autumn. We haven’t met yet, but I’ve heard all about you.”
“Autumn.” I grinned back at her. She had a sweet disposition and looked exactly how Summer described. “The cousin.”
“The same.” She motioned to the bag in my hands. “Do you need help? I know Summer is sick.”
I thought about declining but decided talking with Autumn might give more insight into Summer.
Handing her the lighter of the two bags, I motioned for her to go ahead of me.
Once we were back in Summer’s apartment, Autumn set the bag on the counter, unloaded it, opened the fridge, and arranged the items. Crouched in front of the open vegetable drawer, she glanced over at me. “It’s nice of you to take care of her. She doesn’t normally allow that.”
Taking out the box of crackers, I opened one side to slide a sleeve out. “It wasn’t without some choice words. She was irritated when I showed up.”
“That’s Summer. Always there to fight for you—but can she show weakness? Of course not.”
I snorted.
“I’m glad she had you. She won’t say it, but I can tell you’re good for her. Especially after that asshole.”
“Cory, right?” I asked, my interest piqued.
“I don’t like putting negativity out into the world, but if I saw him— ooooohhhhh .” She balled up her fists and narrowed her eyes. “After the shit he put her through, the cheating and then—” She glanced at me.
“He’s a piece of shit. Absolutely.”
I was allowing Autumn to think I knew more. I felt slimy doing it, but there was no way Summer would open up to me, and if I had to learn the truth through a little deception, so be it.
She relaxed. “I know she told him to delete the pictures—and the fact that he not only didn’t but also showed people makes me so mad.”
A bolder formed in my throat as I added up Autumn’s tale. This was so much worse than a cheater. My jaw was hard steel, and I struggled to swallow the rage filling my chest.
Leaning forward, I placed both hands on the edge of the counter and squeezed, my knuckle white from the force.
“You knew, right? Oh, God. I always do this. I open my mouth, and I don’t mean to spill secrets, but I can’t help it. The words come out, and—”
Autumn’s rising panic distracted my anger enough that I could relax my fist.
“It’s okay. We’ll be alright.” Clearing my throat, I got up, slapping my upper thighs. “I’ll be back in a minute with the rest of the stuff.”
I hadn’t left anything in my truck, but I needed an excuse to get out before I would break something.
At the edge of the parking lot, my fingers digging into my thighs, I bent over.
Deep breaths, in and out, I tried to temper the fever, but my hands were shaking while my blood boiled. I prided myself on keeping my emotions in check. I was a large man, and to rage would make me fearsome. But nothing was holding back the ferocity inside.
Stalking to a nearby tree, I couldn’t think about the ramifications, couldn’t control the need to strike out. My fist went flying against the trunk, and the branches shook. My knuckles split against the rough pine bark. Blood sprayed the pavement as I struck again. The bark gave way, splintering to the side.
Still, my anger wasn’t ebbing.
How could someone do that to Summer? Was this the same man who she was arguing with a week before? That scrawny, chino-wearing asshole, with that stupid smirk as he watched her leave. If I could have gone back in time, I would have pummeled him into the white carpet of that boathouse restaurant.
The soft clack of vegan sandals on the pavement sounded behind me, and I glanced back.
Autumn was standing there, her eyes flickering from the mangled tree to my bleeding hand.
“Come on.” She waved at me. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
My anger wavered as I followed her into her ground-level studio. Cupping my bleeding hand, I tried and failed at not dripping blood all over her floor.
She instructed me to sit on a patchy vinyl stool at the breakfast bar. “I can’t believe I spilled Summer’s business like that. She’s going to be so pissed at me.”
“I can’t imagine Summer being mad at you.”
Autumn raised a brow. “I like you, but I don’t think you have any idea what my cousin is capable of.”
“I would never underestimate her.”
Autumn snorted, dabbing at my hand with a wet paper towel.
“I wish I could find that guy and kick the shit out of him.” I shook my head. “What’s his last name? Tell me so I can take care of him.”
Autumn cocked her head, wearing a playful smile. “You don’t need to do that.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Summer has her own way of dealing with people. Do I approve of her methods? Of course not. But let’s just say Cory is paying the price for hurting Summer.”
“What does that mean? Did she punch him in the face? What?”
Autumn frowned at me as she dabbed antibiotic ointment on my stinging knuckles. “So violent. I guess it makes sense why Summer likes you so much.” She straightened, screwing the lid back on the tube and nodding at my mangled skin. “That’s as good as it’s going to get.”
Frustration bubbled up inside me again, but Autumn seemed to ignore it.
“When I was fourteen, there was this girl in my art class, Amy-Rae. She was always making rude comments to me. Critiquing my shading and such. Nothing too bad, but still a mean girl, right?”
I nodded, not sure where this was going.
“Then, one day, in class, I’m finishing up my final project, this big watercolor painting of seas anemones. I’m putting the little touches on it when I’m called to the office. I get up there, and they give me a note that is supposed to be from my Aunt Tina. Only thing is, I don’t have an Aunt Tina. When I return to the class, the water jar is tipped over my painting, ruining it completely. The only girl around is Amy-Rae. She said she had accidentally bumped it, but there was no way. The moment Summer sees me crying after class, she demands to know what happened.” Autumn paused, letting out a big sigh. “Do you want to guess what happened the next day?”
I nodded, apprehensive.
“Amy-Rae showed up to school, and her eyebrows were gone. She had to pencil them on for months afterward. Missed our freshman formal at the end of the year because she was so embarrassed.”
Autumn cleaned up the first aid supplies, sliding them under her kitchen counter. “I don’t know how she did it, and honestly, I don’t want to know. To this day, Summer calls it nothing more than karma from the universe. But I know better.”
“So, you’re saying she’s going to remove Cory’s eyebrows.”
Autumn shook her head. “Summer had a knack for finding weak spots. Amy-Rae was vain, so what happens to her? She gets her beauty taken. I don’t always like it. I try to talk her out of it sometimes, but that’s Summer. You want to punch him in the face? Summer will go nuclear on him.”
Hesitating, I thought back to the list on Summer’s phone. “Did any of this nuclear option involve butterflies and an ad about goats?”
The smile gracing Autumn’s face told me everything I needed to know.
Ten minutes later, I thanked Autumn for cleaning me up and for talking to me.
As I left her studio, I wished I had more clarity on who Summer was, but the new information only confused me more.
Letting myself back into Summer’s apartment, I peeked into her bedroom to find she had turned over in her sleep.
On her stomach, she was breathing deeply, her tangled blonde hair over her face.
Was this the face of a woman who would remove a girl’s eyebrows? Others might have been appalled by the story, but all I could feel was a sense of understanding.
Summer was protective of herself and, more importantly, protective of those few people she loved.
Wouldn’t I do the same for a friend? For my own family?
My urge to beat this Cory guy to a pulp was born out of the same desperation as Summer had.
Flopping down into the chair she had at her vanity, I studied Summer’s sleeping form.
What exactly was this nuclear option Autumn seemed so sure Summer had been acting out? What had she already done to him, and what troubles lay in wait? And why did it make me want her all the more?
Watching her dream, I was struck with her beauty. Being loved by Summer was a hard battle, and it was one I intended to be the victor of.
Hours later, she woke up, still bleary-eyed, but her skin took on little pink spots.
After a quick shower, she came out into the living room, where I was watching a season four episode of The West Wing .
She settled on the other side of the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. “You stayed.”
“You asked me to.”
She blinked at me, chewing her bottom lip as if embarrassed to admit she would do such a thing. “I did, didn’t I?”
“Are you really that surprised?” Leaning forward, I placed the back of my hand on her forehead.
Her fever seemed to have broken.
“Still surprising. Especially after kicking me out of your house the other day.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “That was dumb of me. My dad showed up, and I—” Huffing loudly, I shook my head. “My dad was a shitty husband to my mom—you know that. Seeing him again after being with you . . .”
Summer frowned but let me keep talking.
“I’ve spent a decade telling myself that the worst thing I could do was to become my father.”
Summer shook her head, scoffing. “It’s obvious to anyone you’re not your father, Van.”
“I know it’s irrational. To have some trust in me and to see that trust shattered. I didn’t want you to see him. To see what he does to me.”
Her eyes took on a softer look, and she reached forward, squeezing my hand. “You don’t need to explain. To be honest, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have the same reaction if my mother showed up on my doorstep one day. Being abandoned by a parent makes you second-guess who you are as a person.”
A coil of nerves released inside me. Until she said those words, I hadn’t known how much I needed to be seen by another.
I brushed the wild hair out of her face, cupping her cheek. “When I didn’t hear from you, I thought I blew it.”
“You didn’t. I knew I overreacted pretty soon after you dropped me off. I was going to tell you at trivia but then I got sick and could barely move for a few days.”
Her admission was enough for me. “The idea of losing you because I wasn’t honest with you about how I was feeling? These three days have been hell.”
“What are you saying?”
Her voice was tentative, and there was a nervous flicker about her eyes.
“I’m falling for you, Summer. I think I have been since I found you dripping rain on my rug.”
She blinked at me, shock clouding her features, then disbelief. “That’s not true. Don’t lie to me, Van.”
“I’m not. I spent three days away from you. Going half crazy over the idea of losing what we had. Loving you the way I do and losing out on you because I was too scared to take that chance? That would be the end of me.”
She shook her head. Her tangled hair swayed around her face. “You told me, ‘Don’t fall in love with me.’ You said that, and I believed it.”
Surprise colored my tone as I stared back at her. “Are you saying you don’t feel the same? Do you really think that what’s been happening between us is normal? That another man could make you feel the way I do.”
She bit her lower lips, grimacing. “It doesn’t matter, Van. You told me not to fall for you. You said this was casual. Don’t make me want more. So, don’t make a fool out of me,” she warned. “Don’t tell me you’re serious when you aren’t. I mean it. All I have is my pride, and if you take that away—”
“If anyone is going to be a fool, it’s me. I think about you night and day. At work, I can barely concentrate because I remember the way you smiled at me. At stop lights, I forget to drive forward because a song you like comes on. I bought a rose bush for my house because they remind me of you.”
“You did?” her voice soft and unbelieving.
A smile forming, I nodded. “The guy at the nursery called them pomponella roses. They’ll bloom pale pink, the same shade as your cheeks when you blush.” Cupping her face in my hand, I ran my thumb over her cheekbone. “I’m the fool, Summer. Can’t you see that?”
“No, no, no,” she mumbled, her voice rising.
“Tell me you don’t love me back. Say it.” My gaze brokered no arguments. There were only two ways out of this. One of us would be left broken.
“You can’t love me,” she whispered. “You don’t know me enough to. If you knew—if you—”
“I know exactly who you are.”
Panic was rising in her voice. “This was supposed to be sex. Sex and sunshine and fun over a single summer. I’m sorry I was the person around when you changed your man-whore ways. I’m not a girl you can love, Van. We both know that. You’ll find some other nice girl, and you can fall in love with her.”
“Don’t tell me what I want. And for the record, you are nice. You’re loyal to your friends. You defend people in need.”
“You don’t know a thing about me. If you knew what I’ve done just in the past three months, you’d go running to the hills.”
“What? The stupid pranks on your ex? The butterflies and the keys and the fake doctor’s office notices? You think I don’t know about those?”
She blinked at me, stammering, “How—what . . .”
“I saw the keys in your car that day you came over to apologize. You left your list out. Quite detailed, too. I’ve been adding it up. This whole time, I knew there was more to your story.”
“There’s more. It’s not just that.”
“And you think I would care? Look, I know about the pictures. Autumn let it slip a few hours ago. If all this man got was a few sleepless nights, it was less than he deserved.”
“Shouldn’t I be ashamed I sent them?”
“Shouldn’t he? You weren’t the one who shared them without consent.”
This response took the fight out of her argument, and her voice was sad—scared, even.
“What about if this doesn’t work out? Aren’t you scared of what I would do to you? Don’t you think I’m some crazy ex?”
“Why are you making yourself the villain in this story, Sum? You’re not. You were wronged. You deserve justice. If I had known from the beginning, I would have helped you. I would have done anything you asked of me. That’s how much you mean to me.”
“You can’t mean that.”
“Tell me you don’t love me. Say it, and I’ll leave.”
She opened her mouth, her voice cracking. “I-I . . .”
I waited for her to return my words. To fall into my arms and say she felt the same way.
I knew she did. She had to.
Instead, tears formed at the corner of her eyes. I had seen so many versions of Summer over the season but never had I seen her cry.
Judging by the angry way she brushed them away with flicks of her fingers, she didn’t cry often.
“This is all so sudden. You weren’t supposed to love me. Cory, he broke my pride. But you, if I let myself love you back and if this goes wrong, it will break my soul. I know it.”
“It won’t—”
“It can. I can’t risk it. You have to know that. I’m being held together by the thinnest strings. I know I seem tough, but I’m not.”
Confessing my feelings on the heels of her getting over her illness was a mistake. I would get nowhere with her.
“I pushed you to admit it before you’re ready, but I’m not going anywhere. So, when you’re ready to love me back, I’ll be here.”
“You’re making me feel worse.”
I shook my head. “No, you’re making yourself feel that way.”
“I need time, something. I don’t know how to process this.”
“Fine. Take your time. Wallow or scheme or do whatever it takes, just know I’m waiting on the other end.”
It felt more like a threat than a love declaration, but everything with Summer was a battle.
Standing over her, I bent down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Truly.”
The next morning at work, I checked my notifications for the hundredth time. No response from Summer. With my phone in my hand, I studied our parade picture from all those weeks ago. The sunlight haloing our faces. The way her blue eyes were bright and warm. Those full lips that, only an hour later, would be under mine as we kissed beside the azaleas.
I missed her to the point of absolute distraction. That morning, I had almost walked out the door without shoes, and I was pretty sure I forgot to lock up behind me. Hopefully, no one would break in and steal my twelve-year-old television.
Breaking in. Once again, everything reminded me of Summer, my little thief. My roses and sunshine. I told her I’d give her time, but I should have been more specific. I would give her exactly forty-eight hours before going back. Turns out, when it came to Summer, I was not a patient man.
“Donovan, do you have that report of the—” Mr. Haruki stood in the doorway, a file in his hand. Frowning, he looked from my phone to my face. “Girl problems?”
I set my phone down, my face heating. “Sorry.”
He waved my comment away and sat in the cushioned chair opposite me. “What’s going on?”
“Mr. Haruki—”
“Dennis.”
“Dennis. You don’t want to hear about my relationship issues.”
Mr. Haruki studied me over his wire-rimmed spectacles. “She did a number on you, didn’t she?”
This was an inappropriate conversation to be having with my boss, but he was here, and I felt so raw.
Burying my head in my hands, I nodded. “I told her I loved her, but she doesn’t feel the same.”
On the blue upholstered chair across from me, he leaned back, his right leg bent and his ankle resting on his left knee. “I had a feeling this would happen. That’s why I told you to be careful with her at the party.”
Dropping my hands, I stared at him with a furrowed brow. “I thought you were to be careful not to hurt her. Like, if I screwed up the relationship, I’d be in trouble.”
Mr. Haruki laughed. “Oh, that’s rich. No, no. Summer has always been the toughest girl. Devin told me once that a boy in their English class called her homely. Summer found the boy, stole his backpack, and threw it into the creek before pushing the boy in after it. He never bothered Devin again. They were ten. I love Summer like another granddaughter, I do. But if she thinks someone is doing the wrong thing, she doesn’t think, just acts. It never bothered me because she was so fiercely protective of Devin. And, to be frank, Dev has struggled with assertiveness over the years. But to be on Summer’s bad side”—Mr. Haruki whistled, shaking his head—“I wouldn’t want to be that guy.”
I thought back to the day I met her. She was frantic, her clothes soaked with rain, and a wild look on her face. Then I remembered her words the night I asked her to come to the party. Something about a cheating ex. The way she stood up to the man at the bar for Savvy. But also her defensiveness. The defiance in her eyes when she told me something she didn’t think I wanted to hear. And the surprise in her eyes when I would choose her. When I’d be honest.
She was hurt and wasn’t the type to believe words. So, why did I think a simple I love you would make her fall into my arms with gratitude?
“A woman like that, it won’t be easy, but to know her in a way no one else could? If you’re the right guy, you’ll find a way.”
After he left me alone in my office, I sulked in his words.
I wanted to be that man. I could be. If only I could find a way to show her.