Chapter 7 The Group Chat
Shiloh
Uh, why did we create a new group chat? And why is it called Avengers Assemble? And why are Lake, Felix, Noah and Zane missing?
Seven
Noah is taking care of Adam and Felix is taking care of Zane. And Lake is missing because this chat is about him.
Shiloh
And whose the random number in the chat?
Jordan
Mine, I guess.
Levi
And you are…
Jordan
Jordan?
Levi
Are you not sure that’s your name or…
Jordan
I say it like I don’t know why I’m here either, dick.
Levi
I like you.
Jordan
Oh, goodie.
Levi
I can tell that’s sarcasm even in text. Impressive.
Jordan
Thanks.
Seven
You’re here because you’re Matty’s friend.
Jordan
How did you get my number?
Seven
Calliope
Jordan
How did Calliope get my number?
Seven
She’s Calliope. She just knows things.
Nico
We’re in the middle of a hunt. What are we doing here?
Seven
Bev is cornered by Archer, Mac and Void Mac. AKA Shep. I’ve summoned you all here to discuss our Latty strategy.
Jordan
Come again?
Nico
I’m with this Jordan kid. Huh?
Seven
Why is Cree so quiet?
Jordan
Cause he’s with me. Reading this over my shoulder. He is also confused if you’re curious. What the fuck is a Latty?
Seven
Uh, Lake + Matty…Latty. It’s their ship name. Like me and Enzo are Sevenzo.
Levi
Did you name your own ship?
Seven
No it was just an example for context.
Cree
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Seven
Why is everyone so bitchy tonight?
Nico
*Judge Judy watch gif*
Seven
Fine. Then why don’t we shift focus to you and Jordan?
Cree
Latty strategy it is.
Jordan
What would our ship name be? Cordan? Cree doesn’t work. Is there a reason to the order? Is it like in Asian BL ships like the top is the first name always? But they don’t merge names there. They just go like CreeJordan not Cordon.
Nico
So Cree’s topping you in this scenario? Interesting.
Jordan
That’s up to Cree. If your ship name is stupid does that mean your ship is doomed to sink?
Levi
I like this kid. He’s fucking weird.
Jordan
I can see that you said that.
Levi
I should hope so. I typed it. Not that I’m like blind shaming or whatever. Is that a thing?
Jordan
Right. And I’m weird.
Arsen
Imagine August, Mal and Jordan in a room together. It will be like watching three separately trained AI try to have a normal conversation.
Ever
Put Nico in too and it will be like giving a squirrel on cocaine control of the remote.
Jordan
Are the group chats always this confusing?
Cree
This is nothing. We haven’t even figured out why we’re here.
Seven
We’re here because Lake is upstairs fucking Aiden’s brother!!! We need a strategy.
Mal
Before we tackle that, how do you know Lake’s topping?
Seven
I don’t know. He just has a vibe.
Levi
We’re going on vibes now?
Mal
Some people would say the same about me.
Ever
You are the top, aren’t you?
Mal
Not always.
Levi
It’s easy to know when Nico tops cause Mal has to coach him through it. And there’s usually a lot of crying.
Seven
Nico is a crier. Oof.
Jordan
This is such TMI
Silas
What the hell did I miss? What is happening.
Seven
There you are. Shit is crazy here. I can’t believe you chose to be responsible over a Mulvaney party.
Silas
Sorry?
Seven
Whatever. Here’s the cliffs notes. Thomas is letting everyone hunt Zane’s MOM through the house like that Ready or Not movie we watched a couple of years ago. Also, Lake and Matty are upstairs fucking and theyre both dressed as Spiderman and wearing masks.
Silas
You people scare me sometimes.
Jordan
I’m with him.
Seven
Jordan.
Jordan
Yeah?
Seven
Give us the lowdown on Matty. What’s he like? What’s his thing?
Jordan
His thing?
Seven
Yeah, his thing. What’s his personality?
Jordan
Ever watch the old school Looney Tunes cartoons?
Seven
Yes?
*go on gif*
Jordan
Do you remember that tiny angry baby chicken that was always trying to fight Foghorn Leghorn.
Cree
Who?
Jordan
The roided out rooster? His name was Foghorn Leghorn.
Mal
That angry ‘chicken’ as you called it, was not a chicken, but a chicken hawk named Henery Hawk. Put some respect on his name. He was not a baby but a fully adult chicken hawk who wanted to capture a chicken. He had goals. Ambitions. Aspirations. He just needed anger management therapy.
Nico
You’re kinda a chicken hawk apologist. He sounds like a douche.
Jordan
Anyway. Matty = Henery Hawk — the douche part.
Mal
So Matty = anger management?
Nico
Stop it. The symbols feel too close to math and you know how much I hate math. I’m gonna have a panic attack.
Ever
Did you just compare your best friend to an angry baby chicken? That sounds familiar. Also, rude.
Jordan
I’m just being honest. He’s small, but he’s got a nasty temper. He’d fight the wind if it blew on him too hard.
Shiloh
Talk about opposites attracting. Lake is such a pacifist.
Jordan
Lake…with the body count? Don’t you all kill people?
Shiloh
How do you manage to sound judgey via text
Levi
It’s so impressive, right?
Jordan
I’m not judging, I’m participating in a hunt to kill an old lady. I just don’t know how you can be a pacifist and a killer.
Shiloh
Why are you participating in the hunt? Have you ever killed a person before?
Jordan
This isn’t about me. Let’s get back to Latty.
Seven
First things first. I heard you walked in on them. Did they see you see them?
Jordan
No
Cree
They were definitely preoccupied.
Ever
How preoccupied?
Shiloh
Yeah, we’re asking for a friend.
Nico
It’s me. I’m the friend. Were the masks still on?
Cree
Sort of.
Nico
Sort of?
Cree
Yeah, it was all spiderman kiss style, masks rolled halfway up to reveal only their lower faces.
Ever
That’s so hot. And the lower half? Of their bodies not faces.
Arsen
Ever
Ever
I’m just trying to paint a picture in my mind.
Arsen
Yes, besenok that is the problem.
Cree
They weren’t full Adam & Eve but they looked like it was heading there.
Ever
Were they kissing or…
Arsen
Ever.
Ever
Ugh, fine. Ruin my fun.
Jordan
What else do I need to know about Lake? Is he a good person? Is he a fuckboi? I hope he’s not looking for a relationship cause Matty doesn’t do that.
Cree
Do you?
Jordan
Do I what?
Cree
Do relationships?
Jordan
I’m sitting right next to you. If you think I’m hot just say so.
Shiloh
Hello? No, don’t just say so. Put it here so we can watch you two fall in love.
Hello?
Jordan
You people are unhinged.
Mal
*welcome to the party pal gif*
Shiloh
Yeah, we know. So did he tell you you’re hot? You are really pretty.
Jordan
I know but thanks.
Nico
We stan a confident . I like you.
Levi
Why isn’t Enzo in this group chat.
Seven
And I quote: He does enough reading at work. He doesn’t want to try to keep up with the manic ramblings of over-caffeinated, under-adderall’d children.
Levi
Did you remind him, he’s marrying one of those ‘children.’
Shiloh
He does call him Daddy.
Arsen
He is so old.
Ever
But very pretty.
Arsen
Don’t start, Besenok.
Ever
What are you gonna do about it?
Arsen
Don’t start something you do not want me to finish.
Ever
It’s more fun when we both finish.
Nico
Jesus Christ. Save it for your OF. I beg of you.
Shiloh
Or don’t.
Silas
The four of you should just fuck already and let the rest of us off the hook.
Jordan
The four of who?
Mal
Arsen, Ever, Levi, Shiloh.
Jordan
Are all of you poly like Felix/Zane/twins?
Nico
We just call them the core four. That’s easier.
Jordan
But if ArsenEver and LeviShiloh become a polycube how will you differentiate between them and the core four.
Silas
The core four vs the poor four.
Nico
Mal
Levi
Arsen
Shiloh
Ever
Seven
We’re getting off track. Can we all commit to never telling Matty and Lake that we know the identity of their hookups so we can watch the chaos unfold at Christmas.
Jordan
Matty is my friend. Why would I keep this info from him?
Seven
For the plot, bro.
Jordan
Is that all it takes to betray your friends?
Mal
They’d sell each other out for a happy meal and subway token.
Seven
Untrue. We’d betray deeply personal secrets for a happy meal. But we would never snitch on each other outside the circle.
Jordan
I’m not in your circle?
Ever
Of course you are. You’re Matty’s bestie, Matty is Aiden’s brother. That means you’re family.
Jordan
Oh.
Cree
Great. Now you broke him. He’s all weepy now.
Shiloh
Aww.
Jordan
I’m fine. He’s exaggerating. How do you know they didn’t exchange names?
Cree
If Lake knew Matty was Aiden’s brother, he would have run fast and far immediately. He’s not crazy. Aiden builds torture devices to relax.
Mal
I wish I had enough money to pursue my disturbing hobbies.
Arsen
I pray you are poor forever.
Mal
Rude. Do I shit on your dreams?
Arsen
I’m already living my dream.
Ever
*twitterpated gif*
Levi
Shiloh
Seven
Cree
Jordan
I thought killing someone would be the weirdest thing to happen tonight.
Seven
Just swear you won’t tell him before the Mulvaney Christmas dinner and we will release you.
Jordan
And if I don’t?
Seven
Then I start a whole separate group chat about you and Cree minus Cree.
Jordan
You people are fucking crazy. You’re blackmailing me into betraying my best friend by threatening to ship me with your friend.
Mal
Betrayal seems like a strong word. We’re asking you not to volunteer that you know who he slept with, not sell him out to a hostile foreign regime.
Levi
Yeah, we have Calliope for that.
Jordan
Ever
Let’s talk this through. What will Matty do if he finds out his anonymous hookup is Lake. Lake who is going to be at every family function ever? Including Christmas?
Jordan
Not go?
Shiloh
Exactly.
Seven
Thomas will invite you because you’re family. But you won’t be able to go either cause you’re loyal to your bestie and wouldn’t abandon him on Christmas.
Jordan
So? Missing rubber chicken and green beans isn’t exactly a hardship.
Ever
Do you really want to miss out on the Mulvaney Christmas swag bag?
Jordan
The what?
Silas
Oooh, those are good.
Nico
Why do you keep disappearing, Silas?
Silas
Because I’m working, Nico.
Nico
Liar. You’re stalking your mathlete again, aren’t you?
Silas
Not stalking, looking after. He’s so cute yet so clumsy. Like a YA protagonist. Sigh.
Jordan
Focus. What is a swag bag?
Seven
It’s a swag bag, like they give away to the stars at the Oscar’s or Grammy’s.
Jordan
Oh, right. I must have forgotten mine the last time I attended either of those.
Mal
It’s a gift bag full of overpriced stuff.
Jordan
He gives out gift bags for attending his parties? Like at little kids birthday parties?
Levi
You’ll get one when you leave this party too, but it’s not as fancy as the Christmas swag bags.
Nico
Last year we all got ipads.
Jordan
So you’re saying that if I just don’t volunteer that Matty’s hookup was Lake you won’t create a secret group chat about me and I might get overpriced electronics?
Nico
Now you’re getting it.
Jordan
Yeah, okay. I’m in. I’ll keep it to myself.
Seven
Welcome to the family.
New Chat
Shiloh
Okay, about Cree and Jordan…