Chapter 4 Get Out of My Bed #2
I’ve thought about my feelings for Vincent constantly since that day.
I don’t think anyone else could ever make me feel this way.
Besides the fact that he was the first man I’ve ever had sex with, I feel like the sex was even hotter because of our deep emotional connection.
I’ve looked at other guys since then and can’t imagine myself doing the same things with them.
The desire isn’t there, but neither is the desire for a woman. I only want him.
I could talk to Ersin…I know she wouldn’t judge me, and I trust her. But, still, the thought that someone else would know what happened is somewhat terrifying. I’m also not sure if that would be fair to Vincent, since I don’t know how he feels. What am I supposed to do?
“Sivan,” Ersin says, as she pushes me back, dragging me from my trance.
“Yeah, what?” I ask.
“What do you mean what?”
“Why did you push me? I was thinking something over, don’t shove me like the damn bar is on fire, Ersin.”
“Uh-oh. Don’t go falling in love with me, okay?
I recognize that look in your eyes, you’ve fallen for someone, and since you’re standing in front of me looking as stupid as ever, you must have fallen for me.
Well, listen, Sivan, I’m not feeling it.
Just shut that shit right down. Whatever crazy notion you have running around in your head, just let it go,” she says straight-faced.
“Pftt. I’m definitely not in love with you.”
She’s staring deep into my eyes—she knows something is wrong.
What the hell am I supposed to do? I’m too afraid to tell her the truth, but I don’t want to lie to her.
Damn it. I’m so frustrated. She tilts her head, looking quite concerned.
“Hey, really, what’s going on? I thought you would be alright, because it’s your party, but whatever has been bothering you, is obviously still a problem.
We haven’t hung out in almost a year; I assumed that was because you were getting prepped to take on your own crew.
Now, I think…there’s something much more than that happening. ”
“Can we maybe go outside and talk?” I ask her.
She looks around the room, toward each of the exits, then motions with her chin toward the side door. “I’ll go out first.”
I wait a few seconds, smiling at a few other friends gathered at the bar, then slip outside into the cold autumn air.
Ersin throws her hands up at me. “Well, what the hell is it? I don’t want to be out here, it’s freezing. Say whatever you need to say.”
I thought I could do this, but I can’t. There’s no way I can tell her what happened. “You know what, if you’re cold, then just go back inside. We don’t need to talk about this.”
Her head tilts to the side. “Spit it out. Who has you upset? You’re leaving for Vincent tomorrow, aren’t you happy about that?
Your father told mine that you’d been pouting non-stop lately.
Rather stupid, if I say so myself. You’re of legal age now, why would you be pouting or upset about anything?
I thought it was just pre-stress of the captaincy, but this seems deeper. So, what is it?”
“Ersin, I have something I want to tell you, but…” I can’t finish my sentence, I swallow the words down, even though they’re fighting to come out.
“Spit it out,” she says, rubbing her exposed arms. “Damn air is so cold out here. I wanna go back inside if you’re just gonna stand there with a scowl on your face.”
I can’t tell her… I’m too much of a coward. What if I tell her and she freaks out? Maybe I’d feel different if I had spoken to Vincent, but since he’s decided to ignore me, I can’t risk alienating the only other person that I can count on. What the hell am I supposed to do?
“Alright,” she says, heading toward the door. “If you’re gonna just stare at me, I’m going back inside. You’re starting to creep me the hell out.”
“Ersin, listen, wait.”
She stops just a few feet away from the door. “I am in love with you,” she says, without turning around.
“What did you just say?”
“That’s what you were going to say, right?” she asks, still facing away from me.
“No, I most certainly was not.”
“Okay, good. Me neither. I’m going inside to see if Jenny wants to go home with me. Whatever is bothering you, I’m ready to listen when you want to talk. You need to figure your shit out, though. You snapped at her in there, and now you’re out here staring at me like a lost puppy or something.”
I have no idea why she said that. I mean, it’s Ersin, she’s not in love with me. So why would that be the thing she chose to say? Especially now when my head is already such a mess. I walk toward her, with my hands in my coat pockets. “Why did you say that?”
She reaches for the handle and turns to face me. “Say what?”
“Ersin, come on. Why did you say you were in love with me?”
“Did I?”
I tilt my head at her, raising my eyebrows. “You did.”
“I said it, because you are definitely in love with someone. I thought if I said that, you may make a grand declaration of who you were in love with. There was no other reason besides that. Usually, I can push you into giving me info that way. Just didn’t work this time.
I am genuinely curious who you are in love with.
Had to have been someone you met during trades earlier in the year…
Oh, by the way, does Vincent have a new number? I think he changed it,” she says.
“Vincent?” I ask. Why would she want Vincent’s phone number, and wait—why did she say she thinks he changed his number?
“Yeah, Vincent, you know, your other best friend—hot guy about ye high,” she says, holding her hand up to Vincent’s height.
I roll my eyes. “I know who Vincent is, don’t be stupid. What I want to know is why you’re saying that you think he changed his number. And while we’re on the subject, since when do you talk to Vincent outside of trade weeks?”
“I texted him a few times and he never responded. He didn’t even read the texts. That was a few months ago.”
There’s a warmth spreading inside my chest. He probably got a new number…
That must be what happened. I’m so relieved.
I have to avoid looking at Ersin, or she’ll see the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.
I can’t help it, though. He hasn’t been ignoring me.
This explains everything. A faint sniffle escapes my nose, echoing in the silence between us.
I try to clear my throat in an effort to mask the sound.
Ersin’s eyes are wide. “Are you crying?” she asks, stepping closer toward me.
“No, I’m not crying. Why would you even ask me that?” Damn it. I have to hold in these feelings.
“Holy shit, you are crying. I haven’t seen you cry since we were kids. What the hell?”
“I was just thinking about something, it’s nothing. Come on, let’s go back inside.”
I take a few steps toward the door, and Ersin stops me, placing her body in front of mine.
“What happened? Did you and Vincent have a fight the last time you were together?”
I shake my head. “Definitely not.”
“Then, what is it?” she asks, placing her hand on my forearm.
“I, um. I’m—” Before I can finish my sentence, the door swings open wide, and out comes Jenny.
“Sivan, I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” she says, clutching the sleeve of my coat.
“Well, I was just going to come looking for you,” Ersin says to her.
“Oh? Why? What’s wrong? Is Sivan ready to go? The captain will be upset, but I can certainly take care of him if he’s ready to leave.”
“I’m standing right here!” I shout. “Why are you acting like I need your help taking care of myself? You are not coming home with me tonight. Go home with Ersin, or someone else.”
Ersin raises her hand along with the corners of her mouth. “I volunteer to take you home. Sivan wants to go have a chat with his dad about something, but we could have a good time together,” she says with a wink.
Jenny pulls her mouth to the side. “Hmm…Sivan, I’ve never thought about this before, but for your birthday I may be willing to share you for the night.
Do you want that? All three of us could have a roll around tonight.
Bit of a free for all in the bedroom. How about that?
You wouldn’t mind sharing me with Ersin, would you? ”
“What the fuck did you just say?” I ask, stepping back from the two of them. “No. I don’t want that, and I don’t care who you sleep with. We’ve been over this so many times.
Ersin raises her hand again. “Not for nothing, but that idea is out for me, too. I’m not interested in sex with Sivan, definitely not.”
Jenny rolls her eyes at me. “Oh, God. I wasn’t serious, Sivan. I mean I am interested in what that would be like, but more from an experimental perspective. I thought I’d try to get a rise out of you, see if I could make you jealous by saying that,” she says, then cackles loudly.
“Damn it! You two!” I shout. “Screw the both of you. I was sad, then I was happy, now I’m fucking aggravated.” I point at Ersin and step around Jenny. “First you tell me you love me, to try and get me to react—”
“You what?” Jenny interrupts.
“And you”—I point to Jenny—“come out here asking for a threesome. What the fuck is wrong with you both?”
“Excuse me!” Jenny screams at Ersin. “Why would you tell him that you loved him? You know that Sivan belongs to me! How could you do that? I thought you two were just friends all these years.”
“Calm down, everyone knows you’re obsessed with him,” Ersin says. “I was just goading him, like he said. I was trying to get him to tell me who he’s in love with, and before you interrupt me, I can tell you, sweetheart, it’s not you.”
“Now I’m even more confused,” Jenny says. “What do you mean? Who are you in love with, Sivan? Is it Tasha? Is that who it is?”
“No, it’s not Tasha, what the hell? Enough, both of you. I’ve never been more annoyed in all my life.” My right coat pocket begins to vibrate, and my breath hitches. It’s Vincent. I can feel it. I reach into my coat and pull out my phone. Unknown caller