Chapter 14 TRACE
TRACE
I don’t know who to go to. I know no one will believe me.
No one ever fucking believes the pretty girl with the short skirt and a reputation for flirting.
To them, I probably asked for it. And maybe I did.
Maybe I even deserved it. I should hate myself.
I do. But I have to believe that it’s not my fault.
I only drank so much because I wanted Deck’s attention.
I never imagined that he would do something to hurt me even more than he already had.
Not like this. I thought he actually loved me.
I thought we had something. I mean, I know things were rocky between us and I know why but I still didn’t expect this from him.
Why? What did I do to deserve what he and his friends did to me?
Why did I deserve to be raped? Did they think it was funny?
What have I ever done to them? And it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it, because even though I know there were at least three of them, or maybe four, I only have two names.
Declan, because I know he was there. Broden, because I heard his name.
And the worst part of it all is that they’re the only two boys I’ve ever slept with and they both belong on the fucking football team.
Prized possessions. Everyone will take their sides.
If only I had opened my eyes just once. If only I wasn’t so drunk, I’d be able to identify the others.
If only I didn’t try to fight back, maybe they wouldn’t have completely knocked me out.
But at least I can say I think I made one of them bleed.
But I hate myself for allowing them to take advantage of me.
To break me. I feel so fucking empty and I just
The fury I felt reading it for the first time was probably worse than finding out that someone had killed her. Especially because the adjoining page has been ripped from the journal and the pain of not knowing what it said eats at me every fucking day.
I knew my sister was going through something back then and I knew she didn’t want to talk about it.
But I could have done more to help her and I didn’t.
I didn’t and that guilt rips me apart. And then I started to wonder if maybe she didn’t want to tell me because both of the boys she named were my teammates.
But I would have fucking believed her. And she’ll never know that because she died believing no one would believe her.
Someone raped my little sister.
Up until six months ago when I found the journal, I had no leads as to who could have done it.
She names two people in the journal entry from the night of that party.
Deck and Broden. One of which is already dead.
And what’s more concerning is that she states there were more involved in her assault.
But I finally have something to go off after all these years and that’s why I’m here.
I crave to avenge her death. A death that never needed to happen had I pushed her harder to talk to me back then.
I close my eyes and recall our last moment together, the time she begged me to let her go up to the Pines…
“I’m not little anymore, Trace. You can’t stop me from going to the Pines this weekend.”
Little? Sure, not so much. But Seren is still my responsibility and I can’t let anything happen to her.
Mom and Dad aren’t around right now to care one way or the other, but that’s why I have to put my foot down and try and keep her from getting into trouble.
Then again, what kind of role model am I that I’m going up to the Pines while making her stay here.
“I said no. You didn’t even get an invite, so you can’t go,” I say flatly, knowing damn well that I made sure her invitation made it to the trash before she got ahold of it and also hoping that for once in her life she won’t argue with me. But she’s a Kavanaugh and we typically always get our way.
“Those invites don’t mean shit and you know it.
Everyone goes up with or without one. Besides, you’re a fucking Cutthroat, Traceykins.
Who’s going to tell you no if I show up by your side?
” Seren leans up against the doorframe leading to my bedroom.
Her hands are crossed over her chest and her dirty blonde hair—the exact same shade as my own—falls straight over her shoulders.
“Do not call me that fucking name,” I demand as I move from one side of the room to the other, making sure I have all I need for this weekend.
“Traceykins?” She teases with a sarcastic pout. “It’s a cute nickname.”
“Seren.” I turn to pin my eyes on her, warning her that now is not the time for her shit.
“Trace, please. If you don’t take me then I’ll have to sneak up there with someone I don’t know. And I don’t think you want that on your conscience.” She pauses and feigns a frightened look on her face before continuing. “What if I hitchhike with, like, a murderer or something?”
“If you’d just stay put, that wouldn’t happen,” I tell her as I stuff my bag with clothes.
“But I won’t stay put, Trace. Sorry, but I’m eighteen and I want to go. Everyone else is going and I-”
“What business do you have up there?” I stop what I’m doing to face her, feeling myself get a little frustrated with her incessant need to fight me on this.
“What business do you have up there?” She asks me right back.
I just roll my eyes and go back to my task.
I don’t have fucking time for this. “Right, so can I go? I’m sure my invitation got lost or something.
Olivia got one and there’s no way I’m staying down here while she’s up there having the time of her life.
” She steps up and walks further into my room, her hands laced together against her chest in a show of pleading.
I flinch at the mention of Olivia’s name, only because I know that her invitation comes from me.
She wasn’t supposed to get one but only because her brother didn’t want her going up.
I couldn’t fault him for it, seeing as he’s just as protective of Liv as I am of Seren, so I feel a bit hypocritical for disobeying his wishes to make sure Olivia makes it up this year while telling Seren she can’t go. But I need to see Olivia.
I have to face my sister, knowing that my reasons for not wanting her up there aren’t as valid as I’m making them out to be, but I’m also aware that she’s not been herself lately and I’m kind of worried about her.
“Seren, I didn’t want to say anything, and please don’t take this the wrong way.
But I can tell you’re dealing with something.
And up on that mountain, it may seem harmless but people get real fucked up in the Pines when this weekend comes around.
I’m not going to be able to have my eyes on you all weekend to protect you from whatever transpires. ”
My sister has been hiding something. I don’t know what.
But I recognized it in her a few weeks ago; her whole light dimmed.
Like someone blew out her candle and she can’t get the flame to relight.
She’s doing a good job at pretending that everything is okay, especially right now.
But I have not been blind to the fact that she’s battling with something and I don’t want her to get caught up in the moment like most people do in the Pines.
It could be detrimental. That, and I know she won’t even talk to me about it, and us Kavanaughs have addictive personalities.
Just ask our mother who is currently drugged out in some halfway house, I’m sure.
We don’t really handle things the healthy way, we fall victim to the vices that stem the flood of pain, grief, and anything else that feels like it’s too much to bear the weight of.
I know Seren. She’ll get herself into something too fucked up to fix and I can’t let her fall like the rest of our family has.
It’s why I’ve stayed around and made sure that my act is as straight as it can be.
That, and I also have someone else who is worth keeping my mind right for.
Though, I am not at all a saint. I do what I have to do to get what I want.
I just do a better job at keeping those I love out of that mess.
“Well, good thing I don’t need your protection,” Seren starts, ignoring the fact that I just admitted to her that I know that she’s struggling with something.
But I know she’s too stubborn to face it, which is why I haven’t asked her about it.
“Besides, the only person who’s capable of truly hurting me is myself. ”
I turn to look at her, raising a suspicious brow at her words and wondering what the hell she means by that.
But she doesn’t let me have more than a second to process it before she clarifies.
“I mean, I’m made of fucking stone, big bro.
Nothing can hurt me.” She plasters what looks like a genuine Seren smile across her face, her brown eyes glistening in the white light of my bedroom.
I don’t respond to her though. I’m not going to keep entertaining her antics right now. Though, after a few moments of me ignoring her, she reaches out for my elbow and lowers her voice.
“I just want to say goodbye to everyone.
I know that might not mean much to you. But I have a best friend who's going to miss me and friends who don't even know I'm leaving.
I don't want to leave without finality." I raise my brows in confusion at her words, but shake it off, deciding I probably just misheard her.
I stop what I’m doing, letting my head fall to my chest.
“So you’ve made up your mind?” I ask as I turn to face her.