10
Blake T: Well, if it isn’t the girl in the yellow Corolla! I’m out of town for a few days. I’ll let u know when I return.
Me: Doing what?
Blake T: Flipping burgers
Me: Liar.
Blake T: ?
Damn. I’m one of those people who, when I decide to do something, I want to do it immediately. For example, when I decide to get my hair restyled, I’ll make the appointment and expect them to fit me in that day. It’s almost like I”ll lose interest once my enthusiasm dies down.
Anyway, Blake is unavailable for now, so I’ll watch a YouTube video tonight to learn how to load the handgun. I still refuse to touch it without supervision, and maybe it’s because I might shoot myself or someone else.
It’s stinking hot in the glasshouse that we’re forced to open some windows to let the fresh in and turn the soft sprinkler system on and my clothes stick to my body from the spraying of water and sweat. I’m working with tropical plants, but the heat is so consuming that it’s hard to concentrate now, so I leave to breathe fresh outside in the shade. Unfortunately, the water in my drink bottle is warm too and doesn’t quite cool me down and quench my thirst like I was hoping.
Sweat is pouring down my back as I find a private, shady corner between the wall of my botany classroom and an organic matter dump bin. There’s no one around, so I pour water over my head and use my T-shirt to dry my face off. It’s so hot that I’m close to removing my T-shirt and walking around in shorts and a sports bra. But, of course, that’s inappropriate and would encourage unwanted attention.
“Sorry,” a male voice states, and I drop my tee shirt from my eyes to find a man standing with his back to me wearing a white shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbow tucked into black dress pants, and neatly cut silver hair. “Let me know when you’re done, and I’ll turn back around.”
I know who this is, but I’m unsure how I feel about it. “I’m done,” I tell him, and he turns around, and those sky-blue eyes dance over my face and wet tee shirt sticking to my breasts. “I needed a swim. I was so hot, but, um, there’s no pool here, obviously. Anyway, how did you find me?”
He rubs his unshaven silver chin with his hand, smiling. “I’m a detective, so I just showed reception my badge, and they told me where you were. It took me a while to find this place, though. It’s hidden behind the gardens.”
“Ogres and gnomes prefer to be hidden,” I say, and then I realize I was calling myself an ogre, which is funny since Z’s pet name for Cormac is Shrek.
“You’re looking good,” he says, running his eye discreetly over my bare legs.
“Thanks,” I answer awkwardly. “So, I saw you in that café…” I begin and hesitate because I’m unsure what direction this conversation should go.
“That’s why I’m here,” he states. “To see how you are. It’s been a couple of years since-”
“I prefer not to talk about it,” I interrupt.
“That’s understandable,” he agrees in a soothing voice.
“You were having a coffee with Cormac Bernardi?” Let’s focus on Cormac instead of talking about two years ago when I was damaged beyond repair and now want to destroy those who did it.
”Yeah, do you know him?” he asks cautiously, frowning. I sense fatherly protection, which is good. But I bet he doesn’t think I’m worthy of his champion son.
“Um, yes. We met at the pool. He’s just a friend,” I assure him, even though Cormac has made it clear with subtle flirtations that he wants more. “He invited me to dinner tonight with his swim team for fun.”
He nods, and his eyes drop to the grass as if searching for something to say.
So, I help him out, “Are you Cormac’s uncle or-”
“Father,” he states. “He’s a good kid. The best son a man can have.”
“We have a class together too,” I add, smiling, feeling warmed by his affection for his son, and my mind immediately goes to my father, who I’ll see tomorrow when I drive out to see him. “And yes, I agree, he’s a good man.” Not that I know his son that well, but any fool can see that Cormac is decent and mature.
He nods, becoming distant, and I wonder what his real purpose of finding me is.
“He’s quite serious, your son,” I say, trying to ease the uncomfortable atmosphere. “Like the burden of training is too much sometimes.”
Gabe’s eyes hone onto my face and linger there, and my comfort levels drop due to the intensity of his stare. Did I say something wrong?
“Yeah, he can take life too seriously at times,” he says under his breath, repeating what I just said. “But that has a lot to do with his mother.”
“Oh? She’s the serious one in the family,” I state, noticing Gabe becoming impatient as he takes a deep breath.
“Anyway, it’s good to see you looking well and happy,” he tells me and falters a couple of beats before adding, “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but ah,” he exhales again, and there’s an urge in me to run, so I can’t hear what he’s about to say, “it was one of those cases that kept me up at night.”
I nod as my breath hitches in my chest, and my jaw clenches to stop tears from forming. The pain. The fucking pain is so consuming that it feels like my organs are blistering from intense heat.
“I would’ve liked to have seen justice done,” he adds, because I can’t speak right now. “Maybe one day that will happen.”
I nod again, struggling not only to find the words but also to say them without self-combusting into a million pieces.
“Anyway,” he says, turning partly away from me, “it’s good to see you looking happy.”
Do I look happy? I sure as hell don’t feel happy. Now he’s picked off the scab to my wound and let it bleed, draining me of energy. My head pounds from clenching my jaw to stop the tears from falling. Why does seeing the man who saved me hurt more than seeing the man who damaged me?
“See you around,” Gabe says, turning his back and walking away. But just as he comes to the corner where he’ll disappear forever, I open my mouth, and a weird, desperate croak comes out. It comes from a place swollen with fear and pain deep down inside of me.
That body freezes, and he turns back to me. “Did you say something?”
I can’t look at him and respond by shaking my head as if to say, “Nothing.”
“Are you okay, Rae?” he asks smoothly, stepping closer.
I place my fingers over my lips and keep my eyes low to avoid contact with his. “Um,” I caw behind my fingers.
He moves in closer, and the burn of his presence radiates over my skin, making me shiver and sweat at once. This must be what it feels like to be in the core of the sun, or maybe I am the core of the sun -the black hole surrounded by heat and light.
It happens quickly, and I don’t have time to react, but one second, he’s in front of me, and the next, he takes a step across my boundary and surrounds me. All I see, breathe and feel is him. His body crashes against mine, and I’m cocooned in his tight embrace.
“Relax,” he whispers calmly in my ear as he rubs my back. My breath catches in my chest as emotions bubble up to the surface like a volcano close to erupting.
“It hurts so bad,” I breathe into his shirt.
“I know it does,” he soothes me slowly, still rubbing my back. “Take deep breaths, Rae. That’s it. Deep breaths.”
With his guidance, I take deep breaths and inhale his cologne. After three intakes, my body relaxes against his. “That’s it,” he croons, still holding me as my cheek rests against his shoulder and my arms latch around his firm body.
He starts to sway a little as if we’re slow-dancing to a lazy beat, and I close my eyes, feeling my body sink deeper into his. Images of my brothers shuffle through my mind when we were young. Max and I were as thick thieves, and then little Rory came along to complete the Mischief Squad. I had the luckiest childhood, yet guilt scours my stomach every day that I can’t be around my parents like I used to. I can’t do it. Every moment spent with them reminds me that my innocent soul was blackened of ill disrepute, and it remains blackened to this day. It’s not my fault that it happened, but it’s my burden to bear.
Gabe pulls away from the embrace, and I’m shaken awake, slightly bamboozled by the glare of light on my eyes. “I think you were falling asleep,” he smiles, and my legs almost crumble beneath me.
“Sorry,” I whisper as he steps away because I can’t think of what else to say.
He places his hand on his chest and grins, looking down at his shirt. I realize it’s saturated from pressing against my wet tee shirt. I think he thought I was apologizing for wetting him, but I was actually apologizing for being weak and pathetic. “It’ll dry in this heat in no time,” he says, unbothered by it.
“Thanks,” I say as he waves goodbye and lengthens the distance between us.
“You take care, Rae,” he states, which sounds so final. Does that mean I’m not going to see him again? Ever. We’re over before it begins. What am I feeling here? This is odd. My heart is wrenching with every step he takes away from me.
“I will,” I assure him, pretending he hasn’t tied a string around my heart and is now yanking it.
It’s not entirely true that I will ‘take care’ since I’m planning all sorts of terrible things that could cause me great harm. But I must not rest on my laurels and wait for someone else to solve the problem, even though the most qualified person here to solve that problem is the detective, not the drenched botany student.
He stabs me with one last sky-blue glance before disappearing around the bend, and I have to find every ounce of strength not to chase after him.
I remember several hours after he removed the opioids from my hand that I was about to toss back with a glass of wine. I woke up with him sitting beside my bed, staring at the floor with great anguish on that handsome face. That look I’ll never forget because it wasn’t me he was thinking about, yet his pain was real, an internal torture and an ongoing battle. Even though I was tempted to ask him why he was so sad, I knew he wouldn’t tell me. Gabe kept his private life private, and I respected that.
But for that tiny moment, I forgot about my suffering and felt my first hint of freedom without the constraints of agony. Other people are hurting as much as I am, maybe even more. Unfortunately, that moment of liberation didn’t last long, but it was enough to know that life can get better if I give it time.