May
Brian
“So that’s me in a nutshell. Tell me something about you.”
Jessica, my date, is a spectacularly beautiful woman. Insultingly so, actually. She’s definitely slumming it with a bum like me.
And yet, she’s told me two things about herself through her conversation, and everything about herself through her actions.
She hasn’t looked up from her phone once since we sat down. I’m fairly sure I could be sitting here stark bollock naked, and she would be none the wiser.
I’m starting to think having ‘technology’ as an interest on my dating profile is attracting the wrong crowd.
“Do you need to take a minute?” I ask, giving her the benefit of the doubt. There’s every chance she could be having a personal emergency. Or a professional one. I could forgive either.
“What? Oh, no. Sorry, I’m just scrolling. It’s a nervous habit.”
It’s not.
It’s an addiction that plagues the majority of society. Myself included. But some of us manage it better than others, and while I can pop my phone in my pocket during a dinner date, it seems Jessica cannot.
“You don’t need to be nervous,” I say, taking a sip of water. I’m not relaxed enough to have a proper drink. “We’re just having dinner. A bit of conversation. Nothing too scary.”
Her finger pauses, poised above the screen. Her eyes flick to mine, and it’s the first time we’ve made eye contact. I smile reassuringly and try to contain my surprise as she places her phone on the table.
“You’re right,” she says with a self-conscious chuckle. “How silly of me.”
“Not silly,” I assure her. “We’ve all got our nervous habits. You should see the way I talk to myself in the mirror before a date. If anyone heard me, they’d think I was losing my mind.”
Jessica chuckles, and I smile in relief. “You were telling me about yourself.”
I nod, taking another drink. “So, I work at a small tech company.”
“Sounds interesting,” she says with a smile.
“It’s the opposite of interesting,” I tease. “But I enjoy it well enough.”
“You’re lucky,” she replies. “Not everyone enjoys their job.”
Okay. This is better.
We’re talking. We’re engaging. Maybe I misjudged her. Maybe she really was nervous.
Or maybe I spoke too soon.
Jessica is telling me about her job as her phone buzzes across the table. There’s no hesitation as she snatches it up, her eyes glossing over as she devours whatever is on the screen.
I give her a moment. And then a moment longer after clearing my throat. She doesn’t even look my way as her fingers flick across her phone in a familiar scrolling gesture, and I bite back a sigh.
Well.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
You have received an instant message from:
brIAN
Brian: Hullo, Jesy.
Jesy: Brian! Hi.
Jesy: What are you doing online? I thought you had a date tonight. I was looking forward to your post-date email, hopefully sent in the morning after a night of passion and sin.
Brian: The only thing my date is passionate about is her phone.
Jesy: Ouch.
Jesy: Wait. Are you with her now?
Brian: Yup.
Brian: I’m not sure she even realises I’m still here.
Jesy: Oh, Brian. I’m sorry. But why are you still there? Why not leave?
Brian: Feels rude.
Jesy: As rude as sitting on your phone during a date?
Brian: Fair point well made.
Jesy: Maybe she has an emergency? Have you asked if everything is okay?
Brian: Of course I have.
Brian: I even poked fun at our nervous habits to give her the benefit of the doubt. But apparently, I’m just that dull.
Jesy: You’re not dull.
Jesy: At least, I find you entertaining.
Brian: Weren’t you up late last night watching Postman Pat? I’m not sure I can trust your judgment on what is entertaining.
Jesy: I stayed up watching various programmes from my childhood for nostalgia. Postman Pat is actually super relaxing. And also, fuck you.
Brian: Well, that wasn’t very charming.
Jesy: Neither are you apparently cos your date has her head in her phone.
Brian: Ouch. Shot to the heart.
Brian: I’ll have you know I am a terrific dater.
Jesy: Go on then.
Brian: What do you mean?
Jesy: Show me how terrific you are.
Brian: Through a screen?
Jesy: If you’re that good, a screen wouldn’t stop me being wooed.
Brian: I think a bigger conversation is the fact you want to be wooed by me.
Brian: Jesy, I’m flattered.
Jesy: Ha, ha. And also, ha. Very funny.
Jesy: This is the last time I’ll try to help you.
Brian: No! Jesy, come back.
Brian: I’ll be nice, I swear.
Brian: Jes, I know you’re still there, your online status hasn’t changed.
Brian: I’m very sorry. Please come back.
Jesy: Beg.
Brian: Pardon?
Jesy: You read it right. Beg.
Jesy: Tell me how wonderful I am. How you cannot imagine your life before our friendship, and how you’re so happy to have met me.
Brian: Jesy?
Jesy: Yes, Brian?
Brian: Get a grip.
Jesy: Ha! Yeah, okay.
Jesy: So, what’s the play here?
Brian: … sigh. I’m calling it. Time of death 20:06
Brian: 20:06?? God, that’s depressing. I picked her up at seven.
Jesy: I’m sorry, Brian.
Brian: Yeah. Me too.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Cheer up brigade
I was thinking about ways to pop a smile back on your face. Even though I know you probably feel a bit shitty right now.
So, I’m wracking my brain, thinking what I can do considering we’re all these many miles apart. And it came to me like a dream.
A hide and seek tournament.
But pretty quickly, I realised the issue with that. I mean… good players are just so hard to find.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Cheer up brigade
Bahahahahahahahahahahaha.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Cheer up brigade
Okay, okay.
I’ll be serious now. I can’t send another joke. That would just get repetitive and redundant.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Cheer up brigade
Okay, okay.
I’ll be serious now. I can’t send another joke. That would just get repetitive and redundant.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Cheer up brigade
Bahahahahahahahahahahaha!! She’s still got it!
3 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Cheer up brigade
I would seriously reconsider your friendship with whoever said that you were funny. That person is not your friend, and they were lying to you.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Cheer up brigade
Now, now, Mr Grumpy-Puss. I know you’re hurting, but there’s no need to be telling such vicious lies. I am hilarious, you’re just too mopey to appreciate my brilliance.
3 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: RE: Cheer up brigade
Your brilliance is cluttering my emails with dad jokes?
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Cheer up brigade
First of all, how dare you.
Dad jokes indeed. These are Jesy jokes, and they’re vastly superior.
Secondly, fine.
If you don’t want to acknowledge my comedic brilliance, I shall cease all jokes henceforth. Just call me the cheer down brigade.
3 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Cheer down brigade
Atta girl. Now you’re coming around.
Join me in perpetual bad moods and pessimism. New members receive a daily un-motivational quote, a sprinkle of bad news, and as an added bonus, you get to look at things and grunt your disapproval while offering no suggestions for improvement.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Cheer down brigade
One un-motivational quote, please.
3 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Cheer down brigade
Today is the first day of the rest of your life… which, statistically speaking, will look a lot like yesterday.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Cheer down brigade
Boy, golly, am I un-motivated.
3 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Cheer down brigade
Another happy customer.
3 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Cheer down brigade
See you the same time tomorrow.
3 May | From: Darrell Griffin | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Shush!
Your laughter is interrupting my meeting.
8 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Questions
When is your birthday?
8 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Answers
6th of July. Why?
8 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Cancer!
Let’s see. What does your horoscope say today? A friend can lead you to happiness, if only you trust the journey.
Well, Brian. Clearly, that means you should do everything I say from now on.
8 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Bullshit
Oh, Jesy.
God himself could descend to Earth on a cloud and tell me my horoscope, and I still wouldn’t believe him. I’m definitely not going to believe you when it conveniently tells me to do whatever you say.
8 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Non-Believer!
It doesn’t say you should do whatever I say. That is just my interpretation. If you don’t want to find happiness that is your prerogative.
8 May | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Fantasist
Go on then. What does yours say?
8 May | From: Jesy Pattinson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: One of us. One of us.
Mine? Let’s see.
Capricorn, by the way. Thanks for asking.
Okay, here it is: Letting your emotions make decisions for you could have disastrous consequences. Stay grounded and make decisions for your friends instead.
I think the universe is telling you something.
You have received an instant message from:
brIAN
Brian: The universe is a big ol’ liar. I just looked up your horoscope.
Jesy: Hahaha, did you really?
Brian: Can’t argue if I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.
Brian: So. What decisions are you desperate to make for me? I presume that’s what’s happening since you went out of your way to lie.
Jesy: I think you should let me revamp your dating profile.
Brian: Pass.
Jesy: What?!