March Again
Subject: I don’t understand
So, let me get this straight.
We sleep together, and you leave in the early hours of the next morning without saying goodbye, leaving only a dress and an ugly teddy behind?
Are you fucking kidding me?
You know, even though I was looking forward to waking up with you in my arms, and was very disappointed to find you gone, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I know you.
I know how much something like that night would freak you out and make you overthink. But it’s been three weeks now and not a word from you.
That’s not you freaking out, that’s just cruelty. Straight up fucking cruelty. And I won’t lie. I didn’t think you had it in you.
You said you wanted us to get together so we could figure out what this was between us, and I’d say we figured it out pretty fucking clearly. So, you get an answer to your question, curiosity sated and you bolt. Without so much as an apology!!
Well, fuck you, Jesy.
Yeah, I said it.
Fuck you.
I won’t be contacting you again. If you ever grow a backbone, you know where the fuck to find me. But don’t come back expecting a friend.
You’ll be lucky if I even reply to you.
You have received an instant message from:
PENNY
Penny: Yup. I’d say he was pretty mad.
Isla: Understandably.
Penny: I’m not sure he’ll want to speak to you again.
Isla: Understandably.
Penny: If I were him and you did that to me, I’d have hit the block button weeks ago.
Isla: Understandably.
Jesy: Oh, well you two are just a pocket full of fucking rainbows.
JESY has left the conversation.
Isla: Understandably.
3 Mar | From: Isla Lawson | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: Is she okay?
Hi Brian.
I was really glad to receive your email, and I’m glad you reached out. I’m sorry for ever thinking you were a murderer. The fact you’re asking about Jesy despite her hurting you so much, shows your character and how much you care for her.
First things first, she’s fine.
No mysterious illness, no emergency. Absolutely no reason we can find for her to leave so suddenly. I know you were probably hoping for another answer, but I don’t want to lie to you.
Unfortunately, we can’t get an answer from her either. But I want you to know Penny and I are pretty angry with her too. I had my reservations about your weekend together, and there’s still some things I think should have been handled differently.
However, the two of you made a choice and that’s not for me to comment on. We all have a different moral compass, after all. With that said, I am astounded that she’d betray you after making that kind of choice with you. That’s not the Jesy I know and nothing she says makes sense to me.
So, in this instance, I am completely on your side and she knows it.
But that’s about as much as I can tell you.
As annoyed as I am with her, her private affairs are still just that, and she has the right to tell her own stories. So, I’m not going to give you any updates on her life.
She’s alive and well, healthy and… adjusted. Albeit a little miserable, but that is literally her own doing so.
Make your bed and all that.
I hope she reaches out to you soon. If nothing else, you deserve an explanation.
I hope you’re okay, Brian. Truly I do.
All the best,
Isla.
14 Mar | From: Isla Lawson | To: Jesy Pattinson
Subject: Settled in?
It’s been a week, Jes.
I think the dust should have settled by now. I’m reaching out without any hope you’ll reply. Hell, I don’t even know if you’ll read the email.
But fuck it.
I’m not going to lecture you again. At this point, you’ve had it from all sides and nothing anyone can say is going to make a lick of difference.
So, I think all that’s left is reparations.
I know you’re not happy with me, and Penny says you’re not really talking to her either. But you came home from your trip a day early and told us, in your own words, ‘I’ve just done something awful’. And you did.
Leaving Brian like that was awful and I can’t imagine anything he could have done would deserve that. But to find out that you left because you had ‘the best night of your life’ is just… baffling to me.
I never had you pegged as a coward, Jes.
And instead of coddling you (which you hate) and lying to you (which you also hate), we’ve both told you exactly how we feel based on the information you’ve given us.
I love you, Jesy. You are one of my favourite people in the world. And I just wish you’d own your shit instead of hiding away like a fucking coward!
Anyway, that’s all I’ll say. I’m done feeling shitty about being a true friend.
I saw the moving van outside your folk’s place. Are you all settled in?
Stop ignoring me, hen.
Please.
18 Mar | From: Darrell Griffin | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: Stiff upper lip
I am so fucking proud of you!
I know you’re going through the shitter right now and you still pulled it out of the bag! I cannot believe how awesome you are.
Thank you for making, what could have been a hard choice, really fucking easy.
I love you, man.
You have received an instant message from:
JESY
Jesy: Oh, God.
Jesy: Why the fuck did I do that?
Jesy: What is wrong with me?!
Penny: Afternoon, Jesy.
Jesy: I could have had it all. He was right there. And he loved me. I know he did. All it would have taken was for me to stay in that bed. Stay in his arms and I would have had it all.
Penny: Only you can answer that, Jesy. I have no idea why you made the choices you did.
Jesy: Because I’m a fucking idiot.
Penny: Glad we cleared that up.
1 NEW SMS
Stop getting mail sent to my house. You don’t live here anymore, fucking cheating bitch. – Jerry
1 NEW SMS
Charming as ever, Jerry. - Jesy
1 NEW SMS
Fuck you. Whore.- Jerry
Dear Brian,
I know handwritten mail isn’t the usual form of correspondence for us, but, as has been pointed out by my friends multiple times, I’m a coward.
Email feels too instant. Letters mean I have a chance to prepare myself for your response. If I get a response.
I’m so sorry, Brian.
I don’t think I will ever be able to adequately put into words how sorry I am and how much I regret ever leaving you that night.
And the kicker is… I don’t even know why I did it. Not really. I just woke up and saw you sleeping so peacefully, felt your arms around me so strongly and I had this overwhelming feeling of belonging. Of purpose.
And it scared the ever-living shit out of me.
You were right, what I did was cruel. But I was thinking about what we’d just done, and who stood to get hurt. I was thinking about poor Rachel who, until a point, had been nothing but kind to me. And then Jerry, who despite all his awfulness was faithful to me from day one.
I never thought I’d be that person.
I never thought I’d be a cheater. But with you…
So, I was laying there thinking about how I never wanted to leave you, and how I had to leave you because you weren’t mine to keep, and how impossible this situation felt….
And I left.
Because I knew if you opened your eyes and smiled at me, kissed me, showed me any sort of affection, I’d never convince myself to do the right thing and leave.
Believe it or not, it felt like the right thing at the time. I didn’t want to be responsible for you and Rachel breaking up. And, selfishly, I didn’t want my one act to end my marriage vs all the transgressions Jerry has had over the years.
Turns out it didn’t matter.
I came home and told him the truth immediately. I can’t lie about shit like that. He slapped me across the face and told me to get out. I expected worse. I was in the house all of thirty minutes before I was back on the road and driving to Meadowcraig.
I told my parents what had happened. I cheated on Jerry and he’d kicked me out. There were a few disapproving looks but they’re my parents at the end of the day.
I’m back in my childhood bedroom with absolutely no fucking idea what the future holds, but the thought isn’t as scary as it used to be.
Isla and Penny were not so nice.
Oh, they weren’t too bothered about the cheating part. In fact, when I told them Jerry and I were over, they actually cheered louder than when I told them I got engaged to him all those years ago.
They, like everyone else, are just disappointed in how I acted. And then I had to pull a stupid tantrum because I couldn’t believe my friends weren’t taking my side. Honestly, it’s all been a bit of a mess and it’s no one’s fault but my own, no matter who else I might want to try and blame.
God, Brian.
I’m rereading my words and it’s all just so… stupid. I can’t imagine you feeling comforted by these words. I feel embarrassed writing them as though they give any sort of reasonable explanation.
But the truth is, Brian, I love you.
I love you fiercely, and desperately, and without any thought of self-preservation. You occupy every single one of my thoughts and have done for a while. And I’ve tried to pretend that it was a fantasy, a silly escape from the reality that was my life.
But that’s silly because you are my reality. Everything else was the stuff I had to wade through to get to you. I know that now.
And I know that telling you I love you doesn’t entitle me to your forgiveness. I know wanting another chance doesn’t mean I deserve one.
If you told me never to contact you again, I would understand. If you burned this letter unread, I would deserve it. But if there is even the smallest part of you that believes what we had was real, I am here.
I will be here, patiently waiting for you to love me back.
I love you, Brian. I have loved you for a long time. And I am so deeply sorry that I learned how much courage that love required only after I had already hurt you.
I hope you can forgive me.
Yours always,
Jesy.
You have received an instant message from:
Jesy
Jesy: Still nothing.
Isla: Give it time, hen. When did you send it?
Jesy: Last week.
Isla: And it’s only Monday so I wouldn’t overthink it. Besides, you send a letter to give yourself time to prepare for his response. Maybe he needs time to process what you’ve said.