June Again #2
Nope. Not doing that today.
The kettle clicks and I move quickly, letting the familiarity ground me. Water. Coffee. Sweetener. I add milk to hers the way she likes it like muscle memory, even though I can’t have made her more than a dozen coffees in all our time together.
I wrap my hands around both mugs, letting the heat seep into my palms as I head back over to the bed. She’s curled into the sheets, hair a mess with one arm tucked underneath the pillow and the other stretched out across my side of the bed.
I can’t lie, the idea of her reaching for me in her sleep fills me with happiness. I perch on the edge of the bed, setting the mugs down on a side table.
“Morning,” I murmur, lifting her hand to kiss it. Her nose scrunches as her lids flutter open, her eyes finding mine.
“You let me sleep in again,” she accuses. “I’ll never get used to the time zones.”
“You’ll adjust fine,” I assure her.
“Sure, the day before I’m due to go back.”
A painful silence follows as we’re both reminded that this bubble we’ve found ourselves in is only temporary.
“Let’s not dwell,” she says, sitting up. “I smell coffee.”
“Good nose,” I tease, handing her the mug. “You ready to meet Justin today?”
“Absolutely not,” she replies, taking a drink. “Honestly, can anyone be ready for Justin?”
I laugh. The woman has a point.
“Well, before we go in, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” she says with a nod, her eyes steady on mine. She’s been doing this a lot, making sure to meet my gaze, showing me, I have her full attention. I know she wants to make reparations, and it fills me with hope that this thing is going to work.
“It’s about Blackpool,” I warn.
She sucks the air between her teeth. “Well, we had to talk about it eventually.”
I nod, running my hand through my hair as I try to gather my thoughts. Before, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but so much has already changed since she stepped off the plane to this moment right now, I’m not sure how much is relevant anymore.
She doesn’t rush me. Nor does she try to fill the silence like we might have done before. She just sits with her mug cradled between her hands, patiently waiting as she braces herself for whatever I have to say.
“I think I may have rushed us to this point,” I admit. “I had this whole speech prepared about us using this time to go on a few dates and relearn one another. But then I dragged you into that airport bathroom and I feel like we’ve jumped straight into domestic bliss.”
“Okay,” she nods. “And you’re not happy about that?”
I scoff. “How can I be unhappy? The woman of my dreams is waking up in my arms every morning and looking at me like I’m the man of her dreams. What is there to be unhappy about?”
“I’m sensing a but,” she replies.
“Not quite,” I say with a shrug. “However, this is what I mean when I say we can’t sweep things under the rug. Because as happy as I am to have you here, as secure as I feel, I’m scared.”
Her fingers tighten slightly around the mug, and there’s a shift in the air. “That I’ll leave again?”
“I’m sorry. But yes. Everything feels so perfect right now, but they did last time too. Perfect for a minute, and then…” I clear my throat. “And then you disappear.”
“I’m not going to do that again,” she replies, leaning towards me. She looks so confident. So sure of herself.
God help me.
“I want to believe you,” I tell her honestly. “I really do.”
She sets her mug down, moving to sit in my lap. “And what do you need from me to help you?”
I rest my arm around her waist, my face buried in her hair. The problem is, I don’t know how to answer this question. I don’t know what I need from her that isn’t a massive contradiction to everything I’ve already said.
“I think the problem is, what I need from you is the exact opposite of everything I’ve said until now,” I admit.
“Meaning?”
“I said I wanted to take things slow and rebuild and start afresh. But how can I when I’m already so crazy about you?” I chuckle without humour, tilting her chin so her eyes meet mine. “What I want is to skip straight to our happily ever after.”
“Well, that’s not very practical, love,” she whispers, though there’s a flicker of something akin to relief in her eyes.
I nod in agreement. “You’re right. Trust doesn’t care about what I want, and I can’t just decide that I trust you completely.”
“Because it’s earned,” she replies. “I can’t make a promise that I won’t leave and think that it fixes everything.”
“Exactly.” I brush my thumb over her lip, watching the way her pupils dilate. “And in that same breath, I can’t hold Blackpool over you. I either forgive you or I don’t.”
“And do you?” she asks, her gaze intense on mine. This is it. The pivotal moment. I can either decide that this is the woman I want to be with and leave the past where it belongs. Or I can let fear rule me and lose the only woman I’ve ever loved.
“I forgive you,” I say honestly. “I want to move past this, Jes. I really do.”
She cups my jaw in her hands, her lips brushing mine. “Then we try.”
I nod in agreement. “We try.”
You have received an instant message from:
JUSTIN
Justin: Hey boss lady.
Jesy: Literally not your boss.
Jesy: You are my boss. We spoke about this, Justin. Remember? The hierarchy triangle?
Justin: I remember changing it from the triangle to the orbit, after we took you to the planetarium.
Jesy: Okay. The hierarchy… orbit.
Justin: Right! Big wallet Brian is the sun. Because he’s the guy who exploded with ambition and created this little universe. You are the Earth because you keep us all alive and stuff. Dazza Darrell is Saturn. Because I fucking said so.
Jesy: And you are a comet, right?
Justin: Right. Unpredictable. Rare. Magnificent.
Jesy: Catastrophic.
Justin: Ah, that’s not a word I like.
Jesy: You see how this doesn’t actually show the hierarchy at all? Making Darrell Saturn because you said so makes you more of a boss than him, and that’s not true.
Justin: I dunno.
Justin: Darrell needs me to do my job so he can do his. Sort of makes me more of a boss than him.
Jesy: Nope. Not how it works.
Jesy: Did you need something, Justin?
Justin: Nope! Just saw you were online and thought I’d say hi, boss lady.
Jesy: I fear we may be going around in circles.
DARRELL has entered the conversation.
Jesy: Perfect timing.
Darrell: Are we having a team meeting no one told me about?
Jesy: Now why would you think that?
Darrell: Because you’re both online during work hours.
Justin: Oh, so that’s what a boss sounds like?
Jesy: Mmhm.
Justin: Well. As you have so helpfully pointed out to me, Jesy-kins, I am also a boss. And I say you can stay online and chat to me.
Jesy: Oooh. Good cop, bad cop?
Darrell: Don’t encourage him.
Darrell: Did you get the email I sent?
Justin: Nope.
Jesy: I think he was talking to me. And yes.
Justin: Nope. I mean this is our conversation and we’re not talking about work.
Justin: We have a work conversation.
Darrell: Okay, fine. So, tell me why I’m Saturn.
Justin: Because you radiate Saturn energy.
Darrell: …
Darrell: I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like it.
brIAN has entered the conversation
Justin: You don’t have to like it. But it is the system.
Darrell: I am begging you to do your job.
Brian: Things are going well then, I see?
Justin: Definitely.
Darrell: Define well.
Justin: Ignore him. It’s fine, right Jesy?
Jesy: Um, yup. I’d say so.
Darrell: Traitor.
Justin: Jesy and I are tight these days. Ever since I introduced her to my penis, we’ve been besties.
Darrell: Do I need to call HR?
Jesy: Do we have HR?
Brian: Can we go back to the part where you showed my girl your dick?
Justin: I didn’t say dick. I said penis.
Jesy: Other people tend to call it a controller. I can understand the confusion.
Brian: You mean the prototype? Why are you calling it a penis?!
Justin: You have yet to see it, my friend.
Jesy: Very phallic.
Jesy: And I think he gets a kick out of saying he’s playing with his penis.
Justin: I do.
Justin: Your girl gets me.
Brian: Well, I’m here to steal her. Dinner’s nearly here.
Jesy: I’m across the room. You could have told me.
Brian: And miss being part of the team building?
Justin: Aw. It has been nice, hasn’t it?
Justin: I’m gutted Jesy’s leaving soon. It’s been fun having her around.
Brian: Right. Because neither of you get any work done.
Justin: Not true.
Justin: We actually end up more productive because we’re catching up on all the work we’ve missed.
Darrell: Do I want to know?
Justin: You should fly over to Daz-a-reno. We can all hang out together. It’ll be blast.
Darrell: I’ll pass, mate.
Darrell: I gotta get some sleep.
Jesy: Night, Darrell.
Brian: Night, mate.
Justin: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Darrell: Right. Night everyone.
DARRELL has left the conversation.
Jesy: Do you just enjoy annoying him?
Justin: You know, I really do.
Justin: I gotta run. I’m going to evolve my frogspawn.
Jesy: What do you… You know what, never mind. Speak soon, Justin.
Brian: Take care.
Justin: See you on Saturn’s rings.
Justin: Oof. That has weird connotations considering Darrell’s new role.
Justin: SEE YA
JUSTIN has left the conversation
Jesy: He scares me.
Brian: He scares us all.
Jesy: I’ll grab plates, you grab the wine.
Brian: Sound good to me, beautiful.
15 Jun | From: Jesy Mason | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: This sucks.
I miss you!
15 Jun | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: RE: This sucks.
You are literally still in Detroit. I haven’t even left the airport.
15 Jun | From: Jesy Mason | To: Brian Trainer
Subject: RE: This sucks.
Wow.
So that’s it, huh? Two weeks and you’re ready to see the back of me? Well, we had a good run, I suppose. The romance had to die at some point.
I just thought I’d be in the sky at least.
15 Jun | From: Brian Trainer | To: Jesy Mason
Subject: RE: This sucks.
Shut the fuck up, Jesy.
Of course I miss you. And will miss you endlessly.