Chapter 41
The sun shines brightly off the black peaks all around us, speckles of dust floating in the beams of light.
Sweat beads on my forehead and nose, gathering along the divot of my spine as I cling to Tiernan’s hand.
Unhurriedly, I step sideways down the steep mountain.
There are small bushes and shrubs along the worn dirt path, trodden mostly by mountain goats.
My stomach is tangled up in knots, and my throat spasms in response to the threat of vomiting from the lightheadedness.
Each time small pebbles crumble out from beneath my boots, I cling harder to Tiernan’s hand and squeeze my eyes shut.
When I open my eyes this time, he’s staring into them. “Almost there,” he says. “Just keep looking at me.”
So, I do. It’s much better than looking down at the jagged rocks lining the ravine below.
Even if it doesn’t necessarily ease the dizziness.
Already, the horses have descended and, according to Tiernan, are happily hydrating in the small stream below.
I breathe slowly, my lips pursed, tears gathering—embarrassingly—in my eyes.
This is an absolute nightmare.
Tiernan keeps my mind occupied with constant chatter of just about anything as we descend.
Until my thighs aren’t burning as much, and the peaks that surrounded us are farther away and higher up.
The ground is leveling out, and we’re very close to the stream.
The others have already stopped, Alys sitting on the ground near the stream, Ava and Sloan kneeling to fill their waterskins, and Osheen stretching.
Chiyo and Isobel have gone to tend to the horses.
I turn a smiling gaze to Tiernan. “We didn’t die,” I say aloud, and he laughs.
“And you conquered your fear of heights,” he signs.
I hadn’t realized how much I missed easily seeing the words on his hands. His mind whispering is intimate in a wonderful way that I never imagined, but his signing feels like a welcoming hug. Like home.
“I wouldn’t say I conquered my fears,” I gesture back.
“Alright, well you’ve faced it and lived to tell the tale.”
I laugh and motion, “Fine. Now I need to conquer my thirst.”
We head to the stream, and I kneel beside it, fighting the urge to dump my head directly into the water to cool this infernal headache.
That’s when Tiernan does exactly what I’m thinking, and it surprises me so much that I snort.
Everyone looks our way as Tiernan sits back on his heels again, his dark hair sopping wet, dripping down his face and onto his tunic.
He shakes his head like a hound, and I lean away to avoid getting splashed. Water gets all over my face anyway.
Chiyo approaches, presenting me with a handful of strawberries. “The pair of you are sickeningly sweet,” she says with a smirk. “I’m glad I don’t have to slap anyone.” She winks at me and walks away, leaving Tiernan looking puzzled.
I shrug, the picture of innocence, while I cup the strawberries in my hands.
We linger for a while longer, regaining our strength. Then Tiernan looks to me and signs, “I’d like to move ahead and scout for a place we can all rest tonight. Are you up for a small adventure? We can get some time to finish talking.”
My heart sputters a little. I look into his eyes—they don’t seem guarded, but there’s something that looks an awful lot like anxiety in them.
I nod, and he smiles shakily before getting up. “Alright, I’ll go talk to Ava about it. Tell Ghendor to get ready.” There’s the smallest hint of playfulness in his eyes before he turns to walk away.
I refill my waterskin once more and head to Ghendor. I offer him a few berries, which he takes gratefully, then I hook my waterskin back onto the saddle with our packs before climbing atop the stallion. Tiernan returns with a smile and a thumbs up before mounting Ghendor behind me.
As Tiernan maneuvers Ghendor through the group, I catch Chiyo’s beaming smile. She waves to me, Isobel hopping into view to join in the sendoff. I can’t help but grin back at them. “I will be right back!” I sign to them. “Not going away forever.”
“Don’t hurry,” she signs back while Isobel looks at her with confusion. Her signing isn’t very fluent yet, but her grin widens even more when Chiyo says something to her.
Still riding alongside the river, Tiernan and I get some distance from the group. As usual, his arms bracket my body, settling over my thighs, but he lifts a hand to place just above my knee, rubbing gently as if soothing me.
I crane my neck to get a better look at him as that hand comes up to cup my cheek. He only strokes tenderly across my face before lowering his hand again. “You know I care for you, right?” he asks into my mind.
“Yes, of course,” I respond.
“Good, I know I’ve been a bit of an ass, but please never mistake that for me not caring about you. This journey has been far more difficult for me than I thought it would be. Mentally, I suppose. I just cannot fathom anything happening to you when we’ve only just found each other.”
My heart clenches, a mixture of fear and warmth fighting within.
“I feel the same way,” I admit. I face forward again as we happen upon the gaping mouth of a cave.
Tiernan dismounts and practically lifts me down from Ghendor.
His hands linger on my waist as my body adjusts to being on my feet again.
But the heat of his fingers seeping into my tunic makes me feel a bit dizzy nonetheless.
We stare at each other for a while, a hand’s width of space between us and the desire to close that gap so strong.
But Tiernan steps back. “I need to tell you something,” he signs. “And I’m afraid you’ll think differently of me when you know the whole truth …”
A cold sensation tickles the back of my neck, but all I can do is nod.
There’s so much pain in his features, in the way his brows are cinched and his lips are pressed tightly together.
“You know all about Maura, and you know that I was in the Royal Brigade,” he motions.
“I was only sixteen years old when I was conscripted for the Royal Brigade. Back when Erleya was still very much at war with Ardall. Rheon was like a father to me while I was away from my own; I looked up to him. Until he morphed into a monster before my eyes. Until, in the midst of my grief, he chose to inflict such pain. He was willing to take me to the gallows if I didn’t speak up.
After my years of loyalty, of serving this kingdom. ”
He exhales heavily and glances toward the cave.
“Durvla, I did unimaginable things under Rheon’s command.
” He faces me again. “I murdered innocents. I helped enforce the horrible laws of Erleya; I was an active part of shipping Undesirables off to Paramount—to their deaths.” His hands are shaking so hard that he stops and clenches them tightly.
Sweat breaks out along my neck, my heart pounding through the heat in my chest.
“I didn’t understand at first,” he signs without looking at me. “I was following orders. I was … I didn’t … I was a fool. And the moment I started to realize the injustice of it all—the threat was turned on me. I wanted to live. I wanted—”
I step forward and clasp his hands between mine as his chest rises and falls rapidly. His hands are still shaking, vibrating through my palms. He tips his head up to the sky, and when he drags his gaze back to me, his eyes glisten with tears.
“If I could go back in time—”
I watch the words on his lips, the way he presses them together, and his jaw quivers.
“How could you feel all that you do for someone who’s committed such atrocities? You should hate me.”
The heat of anger and pity feels misplaced among the heaviness in my heart.
It hurts to know that he played a part in the disposal of Undesirables, but also …
I release his hand, cupping his cheek, and more images flood my mind.
I see a man charging toward Tiernan with a dagger, and Tiernan drawing his sword and running him through.
And I see his brokenness afterward as he holds the dying man.
Another image materializes—Tiernan on horseback, watching Forayers load people into a wagon, just as it had been done to me.
He pulls away, and steps back, leaving my hand hovering in midair, the taste of revulsion on my tongue. Tiernan’s revulsion at himself.
“They say you never get the first kill out of your mind,” he signs. “I remember them all. I regret every last one of them.”
“That was self-defense,” I sign shakily.
“It was an innocent life. He was only trying to protect his family.”
I swallow the knot in my throat.
“That’s why when you look at me the way you do … I know I’m not deserving. You should hate me for what I’ve done.”
I watch the words on his lips, and I can feel the regret and the overwhelming guilt. It sears hotter than the scar on his neck. It hasn’t only been Rheon slicing into him haunting his memories, but his own actions toward others.
“Ever since hearing about Rheon as the sovereign, I’ve been reliving every moment and it’s been eating me up inside.”
“And you’ve been afraid to tell me.”
He nods.
“Tiernan …” My heart aches. “I wish you hadn’t felt that way, but I understand.
” I take his hand, giving it a firm squeeze.
Ghendor nudges Tiernan’s side as if to complain about standing still for so long.
Tiernan scrubs his hand down his face and then Ghendor’s mane.
When he looks at me again there’s still that shame lingering in his eyes.
I suppose it may be something he’ll have to gradually work through, but I don’t plan to shut him out while he does.
“I suppose we should commence this little adventure now that I’ve dragged down the entire mood,” says Tiernan.
I smile through the tears still stinging my eyes. “You didn’t ruin anything. You told me the biggest thing you feared telling me, and I’m so grateful for it.”
He gives my hand a squeeze and grabs a mage lantern from the saddle.
I take Ghendor’s reins, and we move toward the cave.
Cool air surrounds us, stalactites hanging down from the rocky ceiling.
The ground is slightly damp and slick, so I tread carefully, hypervigilant as I observe the different rock formations and critters that scurry in corners.
Tiernan releases my hand to sign “Looks like a good place to take shelter.”
“It does,” I say.
Moving deeper into the cave, we reach what seems to be a dead end, though the walls turn and narrow to the left. There’s a strange stillness within the cave, but it doesn’t feel eerie; it’s peaceful.
Tiernan pauses for a moment, a look of concentration on his face, his head slightly tilted toward the direction we’re walking in.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Running water.” His eyes light up. “I suppose the river continues through the cavern. With enthusiasm, he takes my hand and tugs me onward. The cave begins to widen, a subtle glow emitting from somewhere ahead of us.
“Do you think it’s a tunnel that goes out to the other side?” I ask Tiernan.
“Perhaps …”
But as the light grows brighter, it’s not the other side of the tunnel that we find but a large chamber within the grotto.
Large rocks encircle a clear body of water, which is dappled in sunlight from an apparent opening somewhere above.
Moss and foliage twine up the sides of the cave from the water, and flowering vines dangle from above.
It nearly forms a curtain of sorts on one side of the pool.
A thin mist radiates off the water, the air around us no longer cool but …
“Well shit,” Tiernan signs. “A heated spring.”
“No …” I nearly burst into laughter from the unlikelihood. “This is far too good to be true.”
We move closer to the water, careful not to slip on the rocks.
The air is denser with the heat radiating from the spring.
Tiernan squats, tentatively reaching out until the tips of his fingers set off a ripple across the surface of the water.
He grins up at me before he stands again, beginning to unfasten the buckles that keep his swords strapped to his back.
My brows cinch. “What are you—”
“I’m getting my ass in that water!” he says as he lowers his swords to the ground. One corner of his lips quirks up. “The better question is: are you going to join me?”