Chapter 6
brEK
I alternate between floating and panicking internally.
Getting off with Voss in my bed was a lot of firsts for me.
The first time I’ve had someone in my bed other than one of my friends.
While that wasn’t the first time we kissed or made out, he was my first real kiss with a guy.
My first make-out session. My first dry humping on the couch with a guy.
I may have tried to try to get interested in a couple guys in college but I always backed out before it got that far.
The bigger firsts are the ones that have me on a mental roller coaster. He was my first touch. My first orgasm with a guy.
While I’m slightly more focused on the fact that he’s a dude, it’s only because the parts that are actually confusing me are far more overwhelming and maybe upsetting.
The reality is, I don’t give a fuck that he’s a guy. It never occurred to me to be bothered by that. To question it. I guess I’m kind of indifferent to the fact that he’s a guy.
It’s not his cock against mine—hard and needy—that has my brain all fucked up. It’s that my goddamn body has suddenly fucking shifted gears.
Not once—not a single time!—have I gotten naturally aroused by another person. I’m hesitant to say by a woman because I don’t think it’s actually gender specific. Women were who I’ve been with before, though I use those words loosely.
If I’m asexual, then what the fuck is this about? When the idea of me being asexual popped up, I did a lot of reading, and yeah, there’s like half a dozen or more labels on the asexual spectrum that I read over, but the one I felt most comfortable with was simply asexual.
I’m not aroused by other people. I don’t get turned on. I’m slightly curious about and fascinated by sex, but I don’t want to be involved.
Gender is irrelevant in that declaration. It is something I considered, especially when I thought about my declaration of love to Oakley. Honestly, his gender wasn’t something that even registered. It was all about Oakley himself.
Growing up, Honey Bee, Briar, and Levis were always involved with partners. Always. Ever since we were kids, and boy/girlfriend meant little. I guess a part of me always knew they were going to partner up.
But Oakley, Haze, and I were the ones who didn’t partner.
I knew why neither of them did. Interestingly, it was the same reason—Haze’s father.
He was a cruel, dangerous man, and Haze needed us.
Oakley wasn’t going to come out and give Haze’s father a reason to forbid his son from spending time with us.
Oakley stayed closeted all the way until we moved out of Anaheim two years into college. Haze needed us, and we were going to do everything we could to make sure we stayed in Haze’s life, even if that meant keeping something vital about ourselves a secret from the world.
In my head, I guess I’d always seen myself with Oakley. For no reason. None that I can pinpoint. Believe me, I’ve fucking tried since I lost my mind when he and Loren began seeing each other.
It truly felt like someone had punched me in the chest. My heart fucking hurt as if he were my boyfriend and someone had stolen him away. In my head—in my heart—he and I had been together for years. Our future was already set in stone.
When I finally came to terms with the situation and got myself under control, I began doing some research as to why I felt the way I did. That’s when I started looking at asexuality. I wasn’t sexually attracted to Oakley. Not that I’d ever identified.
Through my reading on asexuality, I stumbled upon aromanticism, and maybe more than my understanding of asexuality, reading about aromantic people is what truly helped me put myself back together.
I am that person. I am aroace. I don’t actually feel romantic love toward my friends—including Oakley. They’re my family, and I felt like I was losing them all. Oakley was the person my subconscious latched onto, which is why he took the brunt of my assholery.
Also, Loren is kinda terrifying. That’s easy enough to admit when I’ve seen the way he looked at me with the intent to murder.
So now I’m staring at one of the stable hands chasing around the hairy cow that got loose and wondering what the fuck just happened to me? What kind of spell did Voss put on me that overrode my asexuality?
I didn’t identify as anything else. No other form or whatever of asexuality. Why is it different with him?
“Oh my god. How long has that been going on?” Honey Bee asks as she joins me on the patio.
She’s watching the cow chase with me now.
Right behind her are the rest of our friends, and when they see the cow getting the best of the stable hand—oh, there’s two of them chasing the cow now! —they’re all smiling.
“That’s Coodles,” Haze says.
“How do you know that?” I ask.
“His coloring,” Briar agrees. “Toffee is almost all brown, and Jelly Bean looks like a popcorn-flavored bean—mostly white with little spots of color. Coodles is brown and white.”
“Now we have the secret to telling the hairy cows apart,” Oakley says, grinning.
“What’s new with you, Breky?” Honey Bee asks, sliding her arm through mine and leaning her head on my shoulder.
I shake my head, shrugging. Maybe I should tell them. Maybe I should tell someone that I’m locking my door at night because I’m afraid of this new development with me that I don’t understand, and I’m kind of being a jerk to Voss because of it.
Then again, I think everyone expects me to be a jerk, so do I really need to explain it away? I was a jerk when Voss met me. He probably knew it was coming.
“Nothing,” I answer.
“Someone should tell him he’s shit at lying,” Haze comments.
I roll my eyes. “Nothing I want to talk about,” I amend.
“Why?” Honey Bee asks.
“Stop pushing.”
“I would, except you turn into an asshole when you keep things that are bothering you to yourself.”
I snort. At least I was right about the asshole thing. “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I say, adjusting my statement once more. “I will, but I’m not ready.”
“Does it have to do with Voss?” Levis asks.
I glare at him. His small smile says he’s not at all bothered by my glare. No one else looking surprised means they’ve all seen that something is going on between me and Voss.
Awesome.
“Yes.”
“Is he coming on too strong?” Haze asks.
I frown. “No.”
“Is he pressuring you?” Honey Bee asks.
My frown deepens. “No.”
“Is he ghosting you?” Haze asks.
“Wow. You have high opinions of him.”
“No, they’re suggesting things that have happened to them to put them off someone,” Levis says.
“Oh.” I look between Haze and Honey Bee, incredibly bothered that I didn’t realize they’d had those experiences. “No. Nothing like that. It has to do with Voss but… not really.”
“Clear as mud,” Oakley says.
“I said I didn’t want to talk about it,” I point out.
“We’ll drop it,” Briar says.
“Where’s Emmy?” I ask.
“With Noaz. They’ll drop Emmy off with us in a bit.”
“Promise that he’s not—” Honey Bee starts.
“Stop,” I demand. “I changed the subject already. I’m not talking about this, so stop trying to force me to.”
She frowns at me but doesn’t comment again.
“I am fine, okay? Just let me work through this on my own, and when I’m ready, I’ll talk about it.”
“All right,” she agrees. “Sorry. You’ve been in a better mood for the past six months, and I really don’t want to see something bother you so much that you’re a jerk again.”
“Fair,” I agree. “I’ll try not to let that happen.”
“I’m going to say this, and it might come off as pressuring you, but it’s a reminder,” Levis says. “Sometimes talking things over with those you trust can help more than struggling through it on your own. Keep that in mind.”
I nod. “I know. Thanks for the reminder.”
“Okay, cool.” Levis looks at Honey Bee for a minute, a silent command that she let it go too. Then he turns to Oakley. “How’s the baby making coming?”
It’s a good thing I didn’t have something in my mouth. I feel like I’m choking on water I wasn’t drinking at the question.
I’m not the only one, though. Briar coughs as if he also choked on invisible water.
Oakley bursts out laughing. “Oh, the baby-making process is fucking fun!”
I scrunch my face.
“Really, though. Where are you with that?” Levis asks.
Last year, Oakley announced that he and Loren were discussing babies.
We’ve all been concerned with this decision because Loren is a damn sociopath.
He’s also obsessive about Oakley’s time.
I’m willing to bet he’s just beyond the doors where he can see Oakley right now.
None of us can imagine him sharing Oakley’s time and attention with children.
Except Oakley.
“Still discussing,” Oakley says. “We’re looking at surrogacy options and have agreed that we want our children to have our DNA.”
Hmm, even I’m scientifically fluent enough to understand that’s not possible between two men.
“Uh, honey,” Honey Bee begins.
Oakley grins. “We’re planning to ask an egg-bearing Van Doren to donate eggs and then my swimmers.”
“Ah,” Briar says. “I was getting a little concerned about your understanding of biology.”
“Nah. We get it. Loren would really like to change it, but I think I’ve convinced him that no matter how much money we throw at that particular scientific advancement, it’s not possible right now. He’s coming around to the Van Doren egg donor thing.”
“So, one kid?” I ask.
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Loren is a little… indifferent during these conversations, so getting him to agree to specifics like that—when it comes to his particular wants—has been a challenge. He keeps telling me he doesn’t care how many. Whatever I want. Whatever makes me happy.”
“That’s useful,” Haze says.
“Right?” Oakley shrugs. “The only thing he’s given me on what he wants is that, however many babies we decide on, all the pregnancies are happening simultaneously.”
“Meaning?” Levis prompts.
“Meaning if I want two kids, we’re getting two surrogates at the same time. If we want three, three surrogates.” He waves his hand.
“Why?”
“He doesn’t have a reason.” Oakley laughs. “At least not one that he can voice. I tried to assure him that I’m not the one carrying our kids, so if he’s worried about my baby-body figure, he can rest assured that I won’t be changing.”
“Cute,” Honey Bee says, glaring at him.
He grins. “I was just trying to get it out of him. I don’t know why that’s what he wants.”
“Huh,” Levis says.
“Your turn, Lev. Still enjoying being single?” Oakley asks.
Levis sighs. “Enjoying might not be the word, but I’m very conscious of how I treated my last girlfriend when moving here, so I’m hesitant to get involved with someone. I don’t want to waste their time and… I guess I’ve never truly felt the kind of excitement toward someone that I need to.”
“That’s sad, man,” Haze says.
Levis shrugs. “You’re excited about Imry, right? Excited to spend your days with him. To wake up to him. To grow a life together.”
Haze tenses a little, but he nods.
“Why do you look like that right now?” I ask.
Haze shakes his head. “I don’t know. To answer your questions, Lev, yes. I do. I guess I’m not ready to think seriously about a life together when I’m still trying to figure myself out.”
“Sorry,” Levis says. “Should have asked Oakley or Briar that question.”
“Yes,” Briar and Oakley answer.
Levis smiles. “I need that. I need to feel that excitement. Since my ex, I realized that I’ve never felt that excitement, which leaves me a little uneasy about what life with someone would be like.
I keep having this intruding thought that unless I feel that kind of excitement about my partner, I’m going to feel trapped in expectations for the rest of my life. ”
“That sucks,” Oakley says. “I’m sorry.”
Levis shrugs one shoulder. “It is what it is.”
“Why didn’t you ask Honey Bee those questions?” Haze asks, looking at Honey Bee with a smirk.
“Whoa,” Honey Bee says, holding her hands up. “Don’t rush me.”
“That’s why,” Levis answers, laughing.
I think about Levis’ declaration of needing to feel excited about his partner, and I turn those questions around onto myself. Have I ever felt that before? About Oakley, when I insisted I was in love with him?
No, that future was just… inevitable. Sans change. That’s what I was grasping at so hard.
Do I feel that way about Voss?
I chew the inside of my lip, and if I negate the question about a life together—far too soon for that—then… yes? I always look forward to seeing him. He’s my first thought when I leave work, even when I don’t want him to be. I can’t wait to see him when I get home. I can’t wait to kiss him again.
I can’t wait to know what comes next.
Even in my confusion about me and what the fuck this weird, sudden arousal shit means, I’m excited to be with him again, however it happens.
Which means avoiding him for the past week has been an extra big dose of asshole. Of course. That’s how I process shit.
“Did you hear me, Brek?” Briar asks.
I blink back into the present. “No. I was ignoring you.”
He rolls his eyes. “We’re beginning the process to have a second child,” Briar says.
I grin. “Really? Already?”
“Yeah. We want our kids close in age. So we’re starting the process for adoption again.”
“That’s awesome, Briar. I’m excited to meet your next kid.”
“Same,” Haze says.
It’s then that Uncle Noaz comes through the doors with Emerson. As soon as they set the boy on his feet, Honey Bee jumps up and wraps her arms around Uncle Noaz. They look startled.
“I’m not dying,” they say.
Honey Bee laughs. “Briar just told us you’re having another kid.”
Uncle Noaz gives their husband a sweet, swoony smile. The kind that says they’re absolutely in love with their partner. “We’re beginning the process again, but there’s nothing set in stone yet.”
“Still excited,” Honey Bee says.
Briar gets to his feet and kisses Uncle Noaz. “Go get spoiled for the afternoon. Love you.”
Uncle Noaz sighs. “Love you. But for the record, you already spoil me every single day.”
“Ugh. I don’t want to see this sappiness,” I grumble.
I’m teasing. I don’t care. Actually, if anything, I love to see how deep in love they are.
Imry’s words describing Avory and Ellory’s love apply to Uncle Noaz and Briar, too.
They share the kind of love everyone dreams about.
The kind of love that we all strive to have.
Uncle Noaz flashes me a grin and crouches to kiss Emerson’s head before waving their goodbyes. Briar shoves me gently on the way back to his seat, but I’m sure he knows I was teasing.
I don’t actually want that, but I don’t care if I see it. I’m glad he’s in love. I’m glad he finally has the family he’s always wanted.
It’s just not the future I see myself in.