Chapter 21
MOST LIKELY TO CHANGE THEIR MIND
Decision day is in a week, and there’s a stack of college acceptance letters covering my desk.
They all came in fancy folders congratulating me on meeting their tough academic standards.
Some colleges sent stickers, some sent socks.
One envelope plays the school's fight song every time I open it, and another has a cardboard cutout of the campus. It’s all very impressive and all very overwhelming.
I have been accepted into every college that I’ve applied to, and each one has offered some kind of scholarship package, but I still don’t know where to go. I wish I could blame my inability to choose on the uncertainty of Citrus Scholar, but that’s not the reason I can’t commit to a school.
It’s stupid Connor Williams and his stupid perfect…everything.
Ever since we started dating, my convictions about going to a school outside of Florida have become less firm. I wanted to get away from Mom and Chad. I wanted to get away from the reputation that comes from having a dad in prison. I wanted to get away from Connor.
But I’m starting to wonder if these are things that I need to escape or if they’re parts of me that I have to accept.
Not to mention the fact that cost isn’t a roadblock if I go to an in-state school.
Between Florida’s academic scholarship and anything I get from the school itself, I’m basically set.
I rub my hands over my face and then plop my head down on top of the folders.
Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just pick one?
You know why.
I sit back up and shuffle through the acceptance letters until I find the one from University of Florida.
It has a little felt flag in the folder.
I pull it out and run my fingers over the image of the mascot.
Lily has already paid her admission deposit.
Hardy did not get in but applied for Santa Fe and is already looking at apartments.
Connor hasn’t committed yet, but I know he wants to.
While he hasn’t come out and said it, I think he’s waiting for me to make a decision.
I sigh and tuck the flag back into the folder.
Gainesville is three hours away. Far enough that my mom won’t be dropping in unannounced, if she even comes at all.
I wonder if she’ll forget all about me when I move away.
Will it be an out of sight, out of mind type of situation?
Will Chad distract her every time my name comes up?
If that’s the case, it won’t matter if I move three hours or thirty hours away.
But that’s not my only hesitation. My reputation following me to college still worries me.
There are a dozen kids from Citrus Prep going to UF in the fall.
That’s twelve people who know my past. I know it’s unlikely that I’ll bump into them very much around campus—it’s huge after all—but what if they think it’s a fun fact to share with their roommates, and they share with their classmates, and they share with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and they share with…
I shake my head.
Nobody at UF cares about my dad or what he did. There will be thousands of other students with thousands of other problems. Isn’t the great thing about going to college having the opportunity to reinvent yourself? To leave some of those problems in the past and start over?
Then why is this so hard?
I think it’s because I’ve carried the burden of these things for so many years they’ve become a part of me.
If I really want to move on, I need to address them head-on.
I decided to start by sending a letter to my dad.
It’s been years since I’ve talked to him.
I don’t answer his phone calls except at Christmas, and have never written him a letter.
I’ve been too hurt. But maybe I’m not the only one grieving the break in our relationship.
I decide it’s time to tell him how I feel but also to forgive him.
I pull out a piece of lined notebook paper and start writing.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I cross it out. That feels way too formal.
Dear Dad,
No, that doesn't feel right either. Obviously, he is my dad, but I haven’t talked to him in so long. That name feels much more personal than our current relationship. I cross that out too and tap my pen against my desk. Then, I pull out a fresh piece of paper.
Hello,
That might be as good as it gets.
I sigh and then pour my heart out on the page.
Connor is staring off in space when I get to the restaurant that night.
Usually, he picks me up for our dates, but we each had so many things to do today, we thought it would be best to meet up instead.
That sounded like a great idea earlier today, but the expression—or rather, the lack of expression—on his face makes my stomach twist into knots.
We’ve avoided talking about graduation and college for the last couple of weeks.
I don’t think we can put it off any longer.
Maybe tonight is the night we lay it all out there, but the idea of actually discussing these things makes me nervous.
I run my hands along the front of the pale yellow dress I wore tonight, another item from Lily’s closet.
She insisted I wear something fancy since Connor chose Antonio’s, an upscale Italian restaurant, for our date tonight.
They have real tablecloths, fresh flowers, and a burning candle on each table.
My usual thrift store dresses just don’t cut it for a place like this.
I’m glad to be wearing this dress. If we’re going to have all the hard conversations, at least I’ll look good for them.
I take a steadying breath as I walk past the host stand to where Connor sits.
There are already two goblets of water and a basket of bread waiting for me when I get there.
Connor doesn't notice me until I pull out the chair opposite him.
“Hey.” I sit down.
Connor perks up and plasters on a smile. “Hey.”
The upward curve of his mouth looks forced, and my stomach does another somersault. I do my best to make my smile look genuine. “How was your day?”
“Good, yours?”
“Good.” I adjust the basket of bread.
Conor nods. “Good.”
We sit there in silence for a moment before the unbearable weight of our pleasantries gets to me. “Actually, my day wasn’t good. It was hard.”
Concern etches his features. “What happened?”
I take the cloth napkin from the table and lay it in my lap. “I wrote a letter to my dad.”
Connor’s eyes widen. “You did?”
I nod. “Yeah. I figured it was time to tell him how I felt.”
He pauses, seeming as if he’s choosing his next words carefully. We haven’t talked a lot about my dad, but he knows better than anyone that our relationship is complicated. “What made you decide to do that now?”
I release a long breath. “I don’t know. I guess because senior year is almost over and I haven’t ever told him how much it hurt for him to do that to our family. I wanted to let him know that it made high school really hard.”
“Ella.” Conor’s voice is filled with anguish. I know it’s because he’s a big part of why it was so difficult, but I’ve forgiven him. He can’t change the past, only the present and the future. The same is true for my dad.
“I also told him that I forgive him for what he did. I’m not ready to go back to how things used to be.
” I let out a self-deprecating laugh as I trace a circle with my fingers on the table in front of me.
“Not that we even could if we wanted to. But I think I’m going to start writing letters to him. ”
Connor reaches across the table to grab my hand. “That’s really great. I’m really proud of you.”
I look up at him. “Really?”
“Of course. That’s a really big step.”
I smile in earnest with his praise. When I’d finished writing everything down that I wanted, the letter ended up being ten pages.
I put an extra stamp on the envelope because I wasn’t sure if that was too many pages to mail.
Without telling my mom, I dropped it in the apartment mail slot.
Until it reaches my dad, Connor is the only person who knows that I wrote it.
I’m glad he has encouraging things to say about it.
“You don’t think I’m being dramatic?”
He laughs. “Oh, trust me. That’s not dramatic at all.”
The waiter interrupts and takes our order. Once he’s gone, I wiggle my brows playfully. “What did your parents do this time?”
He shrugs. “Well, it was actually at the musical.”
The musical was a month ago. It’s super weird that it’s taken him so long to tell me since we usually have no problem sharing our family’s particular brands of crazy. Whatever happened must be bad. I’m on high alert when I ask, “What happened?”
Connor avoids eye contact with me. “My dad forbid me from dating you.”
What?
Is that why he chose this place? A nice farewell dinner before he breaks up with me? I knew something wasn’t right. My mouth goes dry, and I reach for the drink in front of me to take a sip. It’s difficult to swallow, and I choke on the water.
“Don’t worry,” Connor says in a hurry. “I’m not breaking up with you. He doesn’t get to tell me who I can and can’t date.”
“But what does that mean for you?”
He shrugs. “Still not sure. He’s been really quiet ever since I told him I wasn’t going to stop talking to you. I thought he might kick me out or take away my car, but he hasn’t done anything yet. I’m just chilling until further notice.”
His voice is carefree, but I know better. This was his biggest fear in losing to me for Citrus Scholar. Now, he’s faced with the consequences because he’s dating me? “Connor. That’s a big deal.”
He bites his bottom lip. “Yeah, but I’ve decided I don’t care.”
“You can’t just not care.”
“Yes, I can.” He leans forward in his seat. “I have let my dad decide my life for so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like to make decisions just for me. Dating you is something I want to do. You make me happy.”
My face warms. “You make me happy, too.”
His face breaks out into a real smile. “Good. Then it’s settled.”
If only it was that simple. There’s so much more to figure out. “Not so fast. We need to talk about what happens after graduation. I know you haven’t committed to a school yet.”
He raises his brows. “Neither have you.”
I close my eyes. “Neither have I.”
“Are you still waiting to see what happens with Citrus Scholar? Because I know you’ve got to have great scholarship packages to anywhere you want to go.”
I nod. “I do.”
“So, pick one.”
“Yeah, right.” I keep going down rabbit trails filled with what-ifs and worst-case-scenarios. I can’t make a decision, but then I realize neither has he. “And what about you? Where are you going to go?”
“Wherever you end up.”
My breath catches in my throat. Suspecting that he would follow me to whatever college I attend and actually hearing him say it are two vastly different things. I lean back in my seat. “You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, I’m dead serious.”
“But you want to go to UF.”
“I do, and part of me is hoping you’ll want to go there, too, since all your favorite people are going.” A corner of his mouth lifts in a lopsided grin. “But I can get a business degree almost anywhere. I want to be with you, Ella. If that’s in Gainesville or North Carolina or Alaska.”
“Alaska?”
He grimaces. “Please don’t choose Alaska.”
I laugh loudly, drawing the attention of some people sitting at a nearby table. “I didn't apply to any schools in Alaska.”
“I know, and neither did I. But I want you to know it doesn’t matter to me because…” he takes a deep breath. “I love you, Ella Adams. And I don’t want to be apart from each other if we can help it.”
Tears well in my eyes and, of course, that’s when the waiter comes with our food. He sets steamy plates of pasta in front of us, takes one look at me, and hurries away without another word.
I snort at the absurdity of it all, but then I circle back to the last thing Connor said: I love you.
Those three words have been bouncing around in my mind for a while now.
I’ve been too scared to admit my feelings for him—to him or myself.
Meanwhile, he’s professing his love and telling me he’d follow me to Alaska.
If he can say those things to me with such confidence, then surely I can admit that I feel the same, right?
“The laugh is making me a little nervous,” he says.
“Oh, no.” I shake my head frantically. “No, I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at the waiter. I, uh…” I take a deep breath and slow down. I don’t want this to come out rushed or awkward. “I love you, too. I can’t believe we ended up together, but I’m so glad that we did.”
“Me, too.”
Connor is looking at me with such adoration that all my fears and insecurities melt away.
Everything finally clicks into place, and I can’t believe that it took me so long to figure it out.
Sure, I could go to a school in another state, but why would I want to?
Connor is right: all of my favorite people will be in one place.
It doesn't make sense to start over in a strange place—not anymore.
“I want to go to UF,” I blurt.
“You aren’t just saying that because I said I love you and I took you to Antonio’s, are you?”
I lean in close to my pasta and take an exaggerated sniff. “Maybe. This does smell really good.”
He narrows his eyes at me.
I giggle. “No, that’s not why. I think it’s the best choice for a lot of reasons.”
“Ella.” Connor’s face is serious. “As much as I want to celebrate, I want to make sure you’re choosing UF for you and not for me. What if we break up? I don’t want you resenting me for ruining college.”
“What if we don’t break up? I don’t want to miss out on any time with you.” I smile at him. “Besides, UF is a big school. If we break up, I’m sure I can find ways not to bump into you.”
“If we break up, I’ll be going out of my way to bump into you and win you back.”
I swoon a little at the conviction in his voice. Knowing Connor, he’d get the UF band to play my favorite song at one of the football games to win me back. “Okay, so we’re both going to UF in the fall no matter what happens with Citrus Scholar.”
“Looks like it.” Connor smiles at me. “I’m really glad you changed your mind about going far away for college.”
I am too.