10. Chapter Ten #2
“No,” my father admits. “But you are making her act strange. I have never seen her this upset before. So what are you doing to her?”
Matteo towers over my father, who’s already a tall man.
It’s both impressive and intimidating at the same time.
“I am not doing anything to Luciana except trying to get her to be her real self. She’s been taught to be so high strung that I’m sure her back is hurting because of it.
But none of that is because of me. If she told you that I am hurting her, it’s a lie.
She seems to want to see me as a monster. ”
“You are not a good man, Matteo. It’s the reason Gabriel wanted a peace deal with you. Because you couldn’t be trusted otherwise.”
“I have done bad things, yes. I won’t deny that. But I am not a monster to your daughter. If you want to fight, Rocco, then let’s fight. But I’m afraid to say that you most likely will not win. I am stronger than you.”
“But I have the backing of Gabriel Romano himself.”
Matteo smirks. “Do you really want to do this?”
“Don’t fight,” I say. “Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want anyone to die. Please.” I grab my dad’s arm and gently tug him away from Matteo. “Please. I don’t want this. Please.”
After a long tense moment, my father steps back. “I don’t want to risk my daughter’s safety. But you better not be hurting her.”
“I am not.”
“Stop making her upset. Fix whatever is going on between you two. I love my daughter more than anyone in this world. You better treat her like the princess she is.”
I wince. I know my dad means well but his words only make me feel like a little girl again.
“Are you ok?” Dad asks, turning to me.
“I’m fine. Just go. I’m sorry that I made you upset. I just got frustrated. But I’m all right. I swear. Matteo hasn’t hurt me.” I don’t mention the spankings he’s given me. That would only infuriate my father more. “I love you, Daddy. But please. Just go.”
He nods and gives me a kiss on the head. “Don’t forget what I said, Matteo.” He leaves with that warning.
Once my father is gone, it’s just me and Matteo left. The energy in the room is heavy. Cold.
“Care to explain what all of that was about?” Matteo asks.
“Do I have to?”
“Luciana.”
I sigh and wrap my arms around myself as if that will protect me from Matteo’s cold gaze. “I spoke to Aurora.”
“Gabriel’s wife?”
“Yes. I asked her about physical things. If it was right or wrong to feel the way I did when you…” I motion at him.
“When I put my mouth on your pussy, you mean?”
I flush. “Yes. That. I asked her about it and she said it wasn’t wrong to enjoy things with your husband.
But that goes against everything I was taught and it made me realize that I hadn’t been taught enough.
I wasn’t given enough of an education on any of this and it made me upset.
I spoke to my father about it. That’s what made him come here.
But I never told him that you were hurting me. He’s just… protective.”
“You’re his daughter. Of course he’d be protective. But I’m not sure how I feel about you talking to other people about our marriage.”
“I needed answers,” I snap. “I don’t know anything.
I’m confused about everything. Unless I did something wrong again.
I’m sorry I’m failing at this. I’m sorry I’m not perfect enough.
I’m sorry that you expect me to just accept everything you want without question.
I’m sorry I spoke to Aurora about our marriage but I needed answers.
I’m sorry I’m trying to be a good wife to you and I’m sorry that I’m not good enough at it. I’m just sorry.”
He’s quiet for a long moment after my rant is done. When he speaks, it’s a punch to my heart. “Are you done with your pity party?”
I step back with a flinch. “You wanted me to open up to you and when I do, you punish me for it. This is how I feel. I’m sorry it doesn’t make sense to you.
I’m sorry it’s not what you want. But this is the real me right now.
Someone who’s upset and drowning. I needed to speak to another woman about this.
I haven’t had any women educate me on the matter.
Only men. And I don’t think it should just be up to men to teach me about my body. I am not sorry about that.”
My chest is rising and falling from how fast I had been speaking.
Matteo continues to look at me with his cool gaze. “You’re right. I wanted you to open up to me. I like seeing the real you. Even if it’s not exactly what I wanted.”
“Failing again,” I mutter, bowing my head as my tears hit me. They bubble out of me before I can stop them and next thing I know, I’m sobbing right before Matteo.
He stares back with wide eyes. “Luciana?”
“I am sorry,” I cry. “I just want to be good enough. Why am I not good enough?”
He walks closer to me and I don’t move away, even as he wraps his arms around me.
After a moment, I hug him back, clinging to him like I might die otherwise.
Matteo and I are bound together for life now.
He’s the only one I can depend on going forward and that just confuses me even more.
How can I want this man and be scared of him at the same time?
The longer Matteo holds me, the more I start to wonder: is it truly Matteo I’m afraid of?
Or is it myself that I’m afraid of? My imperfections. My failings. My wants and my desires.
My desire for this man who challenges me. That scares me most of all and that’s a hard thing to admit.