Chapter 46 #2
“I know you probably don’t want me here right now.
I know it might take like, a thousand years for you to forgive me because I never said anything.
It’s just that…at first it felt like it was none of your business.
It didn’t matter, and I knew you wouldn’t care.
Overnight, I fell in love with you. But we were running for our lives, and it wasn’t the right time.
And then we were in bed together and it sure wasn’t the right time to talk about dying.
And then when I found out I was sick and you’d been holding it off all that time because you knew how much I wanted to live…
I was fucked, more or less. I could tell you and break your heart a second time when I died and left, or not tell you and only break your heart once. ”
Kalos grunts.
“It sounds selfish and stupid, but I was hoping you’d forget me the moment you ascended.”
“Forget you?” This gets a reaction from him.
He sits up, leaning forward. “Forget you? The moment I returned to my realm, the moment I became a god again, I went to the Fates and demanded they hand you over to me. That they’d stolen my Anchor and I needed you.
That you made me a better god—made me human—because of your kindness.
Your inability to take no for an answer.
You always find a way, and so I thought I would, too.
I demanded all kinds of things from the Fates.
I threatened. I cajoled. I insisted they intervene with Rhagos and pry you from his side.
Because I couldn’t get to you myself, as I am banned from his realm. ”
Is he? It sounds like that changed. “Oh.”
“And when they wouldn’t do it, I went to the High Father himself.
Made a great fuss about how I should get my Anchor at my side to remind me of humility and mortality and humanity and all that nonsense.
Whatever they wanted to hear, I’d say. Imagine how I felt when I learned that you had not been stolen from me?
That the plan had been to return you to your world all along?
And I was the only one that didn’t know? ”
I bite my lip, feeling like the worst kind of monster. “You thought I’d done what Belara did. That I’d used you and made you feel stupid.”
His mouth twists cynically. “You thought I would forget you, Elsie?” He tilts his head, squinting at me, as if he doesn’t grasp the concept.
“I know—”
Kalos shakes his head, incredulous. “How do you forget the sunlight? How do you forget to breathe?”
Now I’m the one that can’t breathe. My eyes fill with tears.
“I don’t know what to say to make it better.
I know there aren’t words that will. I messed up, badly.
However you want me to atone, I will. I just know I’m miserable without you and I’d rather spend eternity here in your swamp, being ignored and shunned by you, than a happy place without you.
Without you, it’s not paradise. It’s just another prison. ”
Kalos’s hands rest on the carved bone arms of his throne.
His fingers twitch, as if he wants to touch me but doesn’t dare.
I’ll be the one that reaches out, then. I’ll always reach for him.
I put my head in his lap, letting my tears fall on his legs.
I’m out of words. They won’t do any good.
I know they won’t. I must prove myself, somehow. Some way.
A gentle hand touches my hair, and his fingers are still shaking. “Sunshine. My sunshine.”
I sob and close my eyes, feeling like a monster. “I’m here.”
“I thought you’d abandoned me. That the thought of eternity at my side drove you away.”
I shake my head slightly. “The opposite. I demanded Lachesis bring me back here. I might have gotten her into trouble. She threw a cigarette in my face. I don’t care, though.
They can all hate me as long as I’m here with you.
Just please, please don’t hate me forever.
Maybe just a few years until I prove my devotion to you. ”
His fingers trace my eyebrow delicately, then down the slope of my nose. “Do you truly want to spend eternity in this dismal place with me? The most misbegotten god there is?”
“It’s only dismal if you let it be,” I tell him, lifting my head. “And this place isn’t miserable. We can redecorate. Push the disease theme a bit. Add a garden. A couple of goats. A huge, huge bed somewhere.”
A rusty sound erupts from him. A chuckle.
“Just let me stay with you,” I rush out, breathless. “Please.”
He puts a finger under my chin and tilts my face up. “As if I’d let you leave my side again. I might be Apathy, but I’m not insane.”
My mouth wobbles. “Does that mean I’m forgiven?”
“Ask me after I’ve had you in my arms for a thousand years, when we’re in our bed together, surrounded by goats.” His lips edge into a smile, and he strokes my cheek. “My Elsie. If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.”
I get to my feet and climb into his lap, curling against him like I did the last day I was alive, back in the field. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. “Not a dream,” I tell him. “You don’t sleep, remember?”
“I usually don’t get what I want, either.”
“Then it’s good for you that I’m here to be pushy and demand things.”
His fingers trail along my spine, his scent in my nose. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, sunshine.”