Chapter 37
Injured or not, Kyor takes the lead, and Ruben stalks at his heels with Caz close behind. Benny falls into step next to me, and together we bring up the rear.
Benny glances ahead, then sideways at me. ‘So,’ he says lightly, ‘are we all pretending nothing’s changed, or are we acknowledging the fact that you nearly killed yourself dragging the prince through a forest on his wolf?’
I snort. ‘I didn’t nearly kill myself. You’re being melodramatic.’
‘No, I’m not,’ he says with surprising seriousness. ‘It was dire. Life-threatening. Extremely stupid.’ A smile tugs at his lips. ‘Incredibly romantic.’
‘Fuck off.’
He grins, and then slowly it fades. When he speaks, his voice is quiet, for my ears alone. ‘Rose, honey, you don’t do that for someone you’re not sure about.’
That needle lands cleanly under my ribs.
‘I didn’t do it because he’s Kyor,’ I say. ‘I did it because he was hurt.’
Benny hums. ‘You say that like it makes a difference.’
I glare at him. ‘It does. I would have done the same for you.’
‘You would have,’ he agrees easily, ‘because you love me.’ He lets a few steps pass before speaking again.
‘Look, I’m not here to push you, to reopen something you want closed.
I’m just saying, I don’t think the door is as locked as you think it is.
In fact, I think it’s creeping open. We can all see it. ’
My jaw tightens.
‘I just want to know why you’re still acting like choosing him was some sort of terrible mistake that you have to atone for.’
I stop walking.
Benny stops too.
Ahead of us, the others keep moving, unaware of our spat – or politely pretending not to notice.
‘That’s not what I’m doing,’ I say stubbornly.
He studies my face, all humour stripped away. ‘Rose. You look like someone waiting for the punishment to fall. Waiting for the next punch. Waiting for the worst to happen. You can’t live like that.’
That hits hard. It’s how I lived in the slums. Always on edge. Always anticipating every single danger because if I didn’t, if I missed something … I try to swallow down the lump that’s blocking my throat.
He’s right. I don’t want to live like that, not anymore.
‘I’m just being careful,’ I say stiffly.
‘You’re being scared.’
I cross my arms, aware of the way my jaw clicks from side to side. ‘He broke my heart.’
‘I know.’ Benny’s voice softens. ‘And that’s exactly why this scares you. Because you didn’t lose something empty. You lost something real.’
I swallow again, but fuck this lump is stubborn.
‘You don’t owe Kyor forgiveness he hasn’t earned. But you do owe yourself the truth.’
‘Which is?’ I ask quietly.
‘That this isn’t about trust anymore.’ He meets my eyes. ‘It isn’t about his choices. It’s about fear, and whether you think you’re allowed to want him again, knowing what it cost you last time.’
I don’t answer … because I can’t. He sees to the heart of me, voicing thoughts I’ve refused to hear, even within the confines of my own mind.
Benny exhales, then flashes a familiar grin, lightening the heaviness between us. ‘For what it’s worth, Ruben’s a good man. He’ll be fine without you. Probably annoyingly fine. Might even fall for someone sexy who actually deserves him.’ He winks. ‘We can but hope, right?’
I can’t help but smile at my friend. ‘You’re incorrigible.’
‘True.’ He bumps my shoulder. ‘But I’m not wrong.’
Without the need for any more words, we start walking again.
Ahead of us, Kyor slows slightly, clearly trying not to favour his injured shoulder, and something in my chest twists.
Benny looks at me, sympathy swirling in his eyes. Better than pity, I suppose. ‘Did Caz tell you about when she and Llin split up?’
‘They broke up? You mean when Caz was sent to Wrohelm?’
‘No, they were very much together when my mother sent Caz there. It was before then. It wasn’t as dramatic as your split with Kyor, not as far as I’m aware anyway, but one day they just said they were over. They were done.’
‘For how long?’
‘For a couple of months?’ He shrugs. ‘We were all young, and I think the idea of commitment – the fear of it – was part of it. But to be honest, at the time I thought it was the right thing for them to do.’
‘You did?’ I look at him in surprise. This wasn’t the way I’d expected the conversation to go.
He shrugs. ‘With Caz’s powers being what they were, I knew at some point they’d be separated.
That they might not see each other again.
Ending it then, before they got too attached …
’ He slows his pace as he looks me in the eye.
‘When you’re a member of the court there are commitments, you know that.
And those commitments only get more complicated the higher up you go.
Leading people is tough enough to do clear-headed, but when the heart gets involved …
It’s difficult learning to go against what you’ve been taught your entire life.
’ He pauses. ‘When I saw them back together, and again reunited in Wrohelm, it made me think that maybe the pain was worth it. I like to think it was, for both of them. But who can really know?’
As his voice trails off I can’t help but wonder if we’re still talking about Caz and Llinos at all. Or whether this is now about Kyor and me, or perhaps maybe about Benny.
It’s certainly the closest he’s ever come to telling me about his past relationships without turning it into some light-hearted quip.
It’s hard to believe there hasn’t been someone serious in his past. The amount of love he has to give, people should be flocking to his side, but then maybe that’s an issue, too.
Finding the right one among the flock. Especially for someone in Benny’s position.
Kyor’s past with Thea is evidence enough of that.
‘Caz and Llinos … they were soulmates,’ I say. ‘You could see it when they were together. They adored each other.’
Benny reaches out and lightly grasps my arm, stopping me. He meets my gaze intently. ‘Rose, honey, if that shit hadn’t gone down with Kyor’s father, would you not have said the same thing about him? About the two of you?’
I don’t reply, and my silence is the only answer he needs.
He nods, and his hand falls from my arm as we begin to walk again. ‘I’m just saying, one break-up isn’t necessarily the end of something special. And you’re allowed to be happy, Rose, to prioritise yourself for once.’
‘I’m pretty sure we are prioritising me, or else I wouldn’t be dragging you and the others the length and breadth of Morathka,’ I retort.
‘That’s for your safety. I’m talking about your happiness.’
My happiness.
There’s only one other person I can remember talking to like this.
One other person who would speak to me with such a combination of frankness and love: Llinos.
I don’t think it’ll ever get any easier knowing how little time I had with her in my life.
And having Benny here isn’t just a close second; it’s something else. Something I’m infinitely grateful for.
‘Has anyone ever told you that you’re a great friend?’ I ask.
He grins. ‘Oh yeah. I’m a national treasure.’
His dry comment makes me laugh wildly – the first laugh I can remember since this damn trip began.
‘You are. Thank you for coming this far with me.’
Up until this point I’ve tried to block out that Benny was only coming to Galreck, but now that we’re here, the fact that he’ll be leaving soon leaves me with a weight I don’t want to face.
Reaching out, I give his hand a squeeze, and then I turn my attention to the new city we find ourselves in. It’s definitely easier to look at than turning my gaze inward.
The city forms slowly, starting with market stalls and farms. I can’t help but note the weak, straggling plants, their leaves pale and the fruits sparse. The ground is hard and cold, dusted with snow. The plants are hardy – they have to be to grow in these climates – but they’re not thriving.
If I had magic to spare, I’d help them. Make them grow just a little.
But I’m already exhausted and it’s not just the energy expenditure I need to consider, but also the risk of being seen, which grows greater and greater with every step.
Soon the populace and buildings grow denser, until we’re hemmed in by bodies on all sides.
And noise. I wasn’t prepared for the noise. There was some drumming in the slums, but nothing like this. The noise of the drums reverberates around the city, a constant low-level thrum.
It’s not hard to see why the Quiet Ones refer to this place as the city of drink and drums.
‘Any idea where we should go next?’ I call to Kyor.
We have three aims: find ourselves some more horses, restock our supply bags – and this time keep them – and get Caz to the library.
The finest library of Morathka will no doubt be in the heart of the city, nestled in the centre of the court.
As Kyor still has no desire to go anywhere near any lords and ladies – nor, I find, do I – it means the group should probably split up.
‘Probably this way,’ Benny answers, pointing further ahead. ‘I’m sure if we take this road, we’ll join the main strip.’
‘There are some stables just here,’ Ruben comments, gesturing to the side of us. ‘Let me go and speak to the owner, see what I can find out about purchasing some more horses.’
‘Good idea,’ I say. ‘We’ll wait here.’
Ruben strides off with purpose while the rest of us look around.
The sound of the drums is even more pronounced here, and a heavy beat reverberates through the ground, through the very soles of my feet. The smell of fermenting hops and barley hangs heavy in the air.
‘What is that?’ Caz asks, holding her nose.
‘Beer,’ I say, recognising the aroma all too well. The scent makes my stomach turn. It reminds me too much of the stench on Father’s breath as he fell down time and time again, lolling into unconsciousness from too much alcohol.
‘Now I get why Thessa called it the city of drink and drums,’ she sniffs, echoing my earlier thoughts. ‘Do they ever stop that infernal racket?’