Chapter 43
Kyor blows out a long, unsteady breath, his jaw tightening as if he’s swallowing something bitter. Then he turns on his heels and walks out of the inn.
Still on my knees, I watch him disappear through blurred vision, the echo of his retreating footsteps scraping at something raw inside my chest.
I sob brokenly, the stress of the situation tearing at me. And then Caz is there, enfolding me in her arms as she rocks me back and forth, murmuring reassurances and stroking my hair as if I’m an infant.
Benny lives, and I’m grateful – so grateful – for that. But at what cost? Will Kyor ever forgive me for keeping this from him? For choosing Benny?
Eventually, my broken-hearted sobs slow, and with a shuddering breath I swipe at my eyes, and silence reigns.
The feeling of impending doom lingers, a shade silencing us all.
Benny is looking at me in shock. ‘I’m still alive.’
He stares at his hands in disbelief, flexing his fingers as if expecting them to disappear.
I push myself to my feet, but Caz beats me to my next move, crossing the distance and throwing her arms around Benny in abject relief that he’s still here.
When she finally breaks away, I take her place, and Benny and I cling to each other, shocked and reeling, breathing in the proof of survival neither of us dared to expect.
‘I owe you my life,’ Benny says, his voice muffled against my hair.
‘You owe it to Kyor,’ I counter.
‘Kyor didn’t kill me,’ he agrees, stepping back so that he can look me in the face, ‘but only because of you. I owe you, Rose. Big time.’ He straightens his back slightly as he shifts his gaze between Caz and me, and nods as if a decision has been made. ‘I’ll come with you.’
‘What?’ I tilt my head to the side, not sure I’m fully understanding.
‘If it weren’t for you, I’d be going back to the Isles as a pile of ashes in a box. The least I can do is spend a couple more days out on the road with you.’
I can’t deny the relief that cascades through me. Without Kyor and Elska by my side, the thought of making the trip without Benny, too, is almost too much to bear.
‘Where do you think he’s gone?’ Caz asks, her eyes staring through the doorway, past the bags that Kyor dumped to the ground the instant he saw us here. ‘You think he’s leaving us?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say honestly. I swallow hard. ‘I expect so.’
He chose me. Just like I asked him to. Kyor chose me over blood and duty and everything he’s ever believed to be true. My heart should be healing, should be overflowing, but instead it feels more broken than ever.
Kyor’s not one for forgiveness, and however much he loves me, I struggle to believe he’ll ever get past me knowing about Benny and not telling him. Not when it was Zelle’s life that was lost.
I expect he’s on his way right this minute to the Hirathean Pass. To follow his orders like a good soldier, as though that might wipe out his treasonous decision to let Benny live.
‘I’m so sorry if I’ve fucked things up for you,’ Benny offers with contrition. ‘I know how much you love him.’
‘Yeah, well, things were already pretty fucked up without your input,’ I reply before looking at the remains of Arle and grimacing. ‘By the Gods, Benny, what were you thinking meeting Arle out in public like this? In the freaking inn?’
For the first time, Benny’s eyes go to the body, dead on the ground, and I know exactly what he’s thinking: that there’s another body to add to the list. Another weight to bear on his shoulders.
He might not have made the physical marks of a tally, the way Kyor does on the Retterheld training wall, but I’ve no doubt Benny keeps count of them all the same.
‘Arle was a good man,’ Benny says softly. ‘Kyor hasn’t helped his cause by killing him.’
‘And you think you’ve helped yours?’ I respond, only to let out a sigh. I don’t have the energy to fight him on this. My first night in a proper bed didn’t exactly end in much sleep, and I’m exhausted – emotionally, physically, and mentally.
‘We should get out of here,’ Caz says, breaking the silence that threatens to take hold. ‘Out of Galreck. There are no spare rooms, and there’s no point in hanging around when we could be making progress on the road. If Ruben hasn’t got horses by now, well … we’ll work out what to do.’
I appreciate her taking charge. I’m lost, heart aching, mind swimming, and simple direction is exactly what I need. Without another word, I pick up the bags that Kyor abandoned and try to ignore the pain throbbing in my chest.
We walk to the stables in silence and discover Ruben is already waiting outside. A triumphant look is on his face as he gestures to three unsaddled horses tethered nearby.
‘Hey,’ he says, relieving me of some of the bags I’m carrying. ‘How come it’s just the three of you? Where’s Kyor?’
I wince, though thankfully it’s not accompanied by any tears. ‘Kyor found out about Benny funding the rebels.’ My answer is blunt, but it’s not like I need to say any more.
‘Fuck.’ His voice resonates as his gaze shifts to Benny. ‘And you’re still alive?’
‘Thanks to Rose.’
‘Thank the Gods,’ he says, striding forward and wrapping Benny in his arms.
Maybe it should have been a warning sign that most people assume the man I love would kill anyone who crossed him. But it’s too late for red flags now. I’m in way too deep.
‘Yeah.’ I pause. ‘He also knows you talked about the rebels with Benny, but we mostly managed to keep you out of it.’
With a low sigh, he releases Benny and returns to rest his hand on my shoulder. ‘All right. How are you doing? How can I help you?’
How can I help you? The soft words are enough to bring tears to my eyes. Ruben is a safe harbour in any storm, and I am so damned grateful for him that for a moment I have to swallow down the sudden lump in my throat.
‘You’re the best friend a girl could have,’ I finally say in a warbling voice.
‘Me and that damned friend zone.’ He laughs, but there’s less heat in his words than there once was.
I wince. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. I’m teasing you. I’m a big boy.’
‘Yes, you are,’ I sass back with a sad smile.
Ruben pointedly looks around. ‘Damn it, you could have saved that one for when Kyor is back.’
‘I’m here and that’s very good to know,’ Benny responds, only for Caz to thump him on the arm.
‘You know not everything’s about you, right?’ she comments.
‘Yeah.’ He pauses. ‘But most stuff is.’
They’re trying to lighten the mood. Trying to distract me from the fact that Kyor is gone, and the likelihood of him coming back is … well, it’s about as close to zero as odds can get. But even their playful banter can’t distract me from the despair thrumming through me.
‘You’ll get through this, Rose,’ Caz says softly behind me. ‘I’m certain of it. The two of you … you’re inevitable.’
Her gentle reassurance burns all the more because of her choice of words.
‘Nothing is inevitable,’ I say bitterly.
‘Well, except you winning the Retterheld,’ Ruben comments. ‘That was a certainty the moment you entered. I’m a betting man, remember. And I’m not going to, because I like to think I still have an ounce of dignity left, but I’d bet on you two getting past this stuff.’
He flashes me another smile, but I can’t reciprocate it. It hurts, his being like this. Being so understanding. So damn nice.
Why the fuck couldn’t I love Ruben? What is wrong with me that I’d choose a messed-up, arrogant prince with a father who despises my family and me over this kind-hearted man?
I look over at the three horses. ‘Are those ours?’
‘As soon as we pay for them.’ His cheeks colour. ‘I said one of you would pay when you arrive. Once that’s done, they’ll bring out saddles.’
‘I should probably be the one to do that,’ Benny says, holding out his coin purse to Ruben. ‘Though if you don’t mind handling the actual transaction? You’re less likely to get swindled. I have no idea how much a horse should go for.’
‘That I can do,’ Ruben replies, taking the purse and disappearing back into the stable block.
Minutes later, he returns with a young man and a small girl, each carrying tack. They saddle the horses, and the man gives Ruben a lingering hug. I watch the way the man’s body melts into Ruben, as if his bones are thawing for the first time in weeks, if not longer.
People shouldn’t have to live like this, worrying about freezing to death. That’s why the rebels exist in the first place.
‘Making friends?’ I ask Ruben as he saunters back to us.
‘You know me, I’m a friendly guy. Life is better with good people around you.’
Good people. Is Kyor one of those? He didn’t kill Benny. Is the fact that he didn’t kill someone a positive? I don’t know.
Right now, I don’t even know if I’m a good person either.
But I do know that whatever else is going on, my brother needs me to keep my shit together, so that’s what I’m going to do.
When we’ve got everything we need, Ruben and Benny start loading up the horses.
‘Apparently,’ Ruben warns, ‘this mare can be a bit flighty. Who wants to take her?’
‘I’ll have her,’ Benny says, running a confident hand across the mare’s nose. ‘If anyone deserves a good bucking right now, it’s me.’
‘You did what you thought was right at the time. That’s all any of us can do in life.’ Ruben claps Benny on the back. ‘Let it go, man. Holding on to all that guilt … it’s not good for you.’
There’s something about his tone that makes me think Ruben isn’t just talking about Benny.
Even with all that we’ve gone through on the trip, his mother must be there, at the back of his mind.
The knowledge that her powers have returned to Mortidem, that he succeeded in getting her a house of comfort, only for it to be too late.
And what of the people in the slums he left behind when he took his house in the third? There must be guilt there, too.
Or maybe he’s thinking about me. About the guilt I feel at finding my brother and leaving him in Wrohelm, at risk.
It’s fair to say there’s guilt aplenty in this group right now. We’re mired in it.
Caz clears her throat, breaking the silence that has settled. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t even get a drink in the city of drink and drums,’ she complains as we head out towards the main road.
‘I didn’t get a drink either, if that’s any consolation,’ Ruben replies.
‘Not really, but thanks for trying.’
‘Let me tell you a story,’ Benny begins, ‘about a goat, a group of drummers, and three kegs of homebrew.’
Tuning out Benny’s undoubtedly ludicrous story, my thoughts fix on Kyor.
The last time he was this shattered was just after Zelle was killed, and he sought out fights in every corner of the Retterheld.
He’d come back to our dorm bloodied and needing stitches, as if pain might silence the rest. I can’t imagine what he’ll do now, and I hate that I helped cause his anguish.
As we head out on the road, a thought strikes me. ‘We should’ve organised a signal, a bird call or something, so the Sannings knew when we were back,’ I say.
‘They’ve got Loch with them,’ Benny reminds me. ‘They probably knew the moment we mounted the horses.’
I don’t know whether that’s an exaggeration of Loch’s powers or not, but Benny’s right.
They’ll know we’re coming well before we get to their location.
We agreed to exit on the other side of the city so that we were well placed to begin the next part of our journey.
It is annoyingly slow going, riding through the excited crowds that have gathered for the festival, and it is with some relief that we finally leave the city.
We trot through the slums as we leave, and I still can’t help but give two kids an apple each. Better than giving the whole pack away this time.
The further north we go, the colder things will get, and the less food we’ll be able to hunt. Giving away all our supplies this time would border on suicide.
We’re not long out of the city when Benny speaks. ‘There.’ He points. ‘Moving in the shadows. Near the forest’s edge.’
He slides down off his horse, pulls the reins over its neck, and leads it off the road. He’s not yet reached the forest’s edge when the figure steps out of it.
‘I told you they were coming.’ Loch’s voice is unusually coherent. ‘Told you, told you.’
Thessa comes into the light next, looking solely at Caz. ‘You were not as long as you said you would be.’
‘Couldn’t stay away,’ Caz replies with what looks like the slightest hint of a smile on her lips.
‘And more horses. Good. The wolf can walk alone.’
‘Actually,’ I say, my voice cracking slightly. I never thought I’d be sad to be without Elska. ‘I’m not sure the wolf will be with us anymore.’
Both Sannings frown, though it’s Stide who speaks. ‘But she is here now. With dog boy. They are both ready to leave.’
My eyes pass over the Sannings and land on a patch of shadows. At first all I see is the glowing circle, but tears fill my eyes and clog my throat as the sight of Kyor sitting astride Elska comes into focus.
The only being in his life who has never let him down.
‘You’re still here,’ I whisper, fighting the urge to run and wrap my arms around him in relief.
‘For now,’ Kyor replies coldly.