26. All My Fury （Ethan） #3
He steps back, surprise overtaking his anger, then suspicion.
“What? Why the hell would you do that?”
“Woodpeckers.” I shrug nonchalantly.
“Wood— what? ”
I don’t want to bust his skull any less.
But it’s almost as satisfying when I say, “I had my team dig deep through Gramps’ old records.
One thing you never knew about old surveys, they shut down several earlier projects.
All thanks to the neighboring fifty acres of forest populated by a heavily protected species.
The long-beaked pileated woodpecker. Ever heard of it?
It’s about as big as a chicken and protected by more laws than there are ways to fry up chicken wings. ”
Cooper’s face goes white.
“Woodpeckers,” he snorts, his tone dangerous. “That’s hardly a reason to forfeit—”
“Think again.” I cut him off. “Wildlife approvals for the resort will take years of studies, if it ever happens at all.” I smirk right back. “So, yeah, you can have your land. Enjoy it. Maybe you can run a few tours for birdwatchers.”
“Yeah! And if you come back and bother us again,” Margot adds from behind me, “I’ll show one of those big woodpeckers straight to your balls. You could use the attitude adjustment.”
“Margot,” I growl.
But I’m suppressing a grin as I push her back gently, urging her to back down.
As much as this animal deserves having his dick pecked off, we’ve won.
Daley knows it, too.
He’s gone from red to white to the color of old oatmeal.
Muttering, he pushes past us, stalking out, still reeking like the coffee Margot threw on him.
Damn.
I watch him bolt to his car for a second too long, the sense of victory slowly fading as I turn to the two women waiting behind me.
Margot wears a different expression now, almost like she’s ready to sic a giant woodpecker at my balls.
Hattie’s face is nervous but closed off. Damn near unreadable, no matter how much I want to see whatever thoughts are swirling in her brain.
Shit.
“I have a lot to say, but it can wait. You guys should talk first. I’ll show myself out,” Margot says, spinning on her heel and marching to the counter for a coffee.
As she passes Hattie, I swear I hear, “ make him grovel like a sea slug.”
Fucking lovely.
And frankly, I deserve it, just for the right to Hattie’s ear.
If only I could find a way to explain how much I screwed up, how much I regret hurting her.
I gesture to the door.
“The coffee here is underwhelming. Care to escape before we’re obligated to buy another one?”
She hesitates.
I can almost see her wondering if any of this is worth it.
Weighing her options in her head, deciding whether to follow me or let me walk out on my own with my head hanging.
I’m not leaving without her. That’s what she doesn’t know.
If Hattie stays, I stay, too.
This apology is long overdue, and I need to do it now.
I need her to know what’s in my head, even if she won’t reveal what’s in hers.
“Okay,” she says quietly after a heavy second. “I guess Margot wants to make up for causing a scene. Should we buy something?”
“I’m sure she has it covered.”
We both turn to see my sister raiding the pastry case, her earlier venom dissipated. Sugar works miracles on her mood.
That’s my little sister and it’s honestly impressive.
“I think we’re good,” I say.
Hattie doesn’t object as I guide her from the café, stopping by the register to throw a crisp Benjamin in the tip jar.
My fingers burn like hell, hating that they can’t find the small of her back.
I hold back.
That cuts deep, making me think of all the times I touched her without thinking, entitled to her flesh.
Can we ever get back there again?
There’s a small park just up the block from the café and I lead her there, heading for the first bench I find.
The air feels warm and slightly damp.
A typical Boston summer evening like you find up and down the New England coast.
When I left Portland before, I never thought I’d miss it, the coolness and brine in the air.
Even when you can’t see the sea, you still feel it.
Hattie sits next to me hesitantly. All my lofty words knot in my throat.
I clear my throat and keep my eyes on the horizon.
“Thanks for the help back there—and for giving me a chance to talk.”
“Yeah. I’m sorry Cooper went after Blackthorn Holdings,” she says carefully.
“I appreciate you coming to the rescue, but I wanted to—fuck, it’s not Daley I want to waste another second on.” This is more difficult than I imagined. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat sprouting cactus thorns. “Hattie, I need to apologize. For everything.”
“Everything, huh?”
Without even looking at her, I see her fingers twitch on her lap.
“I fucked up. Spectacularly,” I say. “I let the past tie me down, and when I found out about my parents, I lost the last thread of my shit. But these past few weeks, I’ve been a hermit, locked away from the world and drinking myself stupid. The same way I’ve always handled life derailing.”
She stares at me now, her mouth a thin line, tight and hurt and wondering.
“Margot came and shook me out of my stupor, but even before she showed up, I knew I had to wake up. I realized the past can only tie me down if I let it. Running away wasn’t a reset. It was a retreat, and I can’t do that anymore.”
Her shoulders tense as I finally look at her fully, her green eyes clear and beautiful as emeralds. I have to hold my breath.
“Okay, well, that’s great and all but… what do you want, Ethan?”
Isn’t it obvious?
You, woman.
Always, always you.
My gaze intensifies, knowing it won’t be that easy.
“I wasted years thinking about the dead, the way I took off and let tragedy rule my life. When all this new stuff hit, I slid back into old patterns. Bad habits that never helped me a damn. Now, I’m for the future. I want to be done looking back.”
I take her hand then, stroking my thumb over the softest skin.
She doesn’t relax.
“Ethan, no,” she whispers tensely. “After what happened, I don’t think we can just pick up and carry on like nothing happened. When you blew up, you hurt me.”
I know.
I fucking know.
“There’s no future worth living without you, Hattie,” I say quietly, not shying away from the shocked look she throws back.
“I need you in my life. All of you. All your quirks, your books, your sunshine. I need my lighthouse, Pages. I need my beacon, always bringing me back from the darkness in my soul. A reminder why I should never let myself get tossed around by bad memories and booze—not if I still have a harbor. Not if I have you.”
My throat clenches around the last word, black smoke boiling in my lungs.
Her free hand goes to her mouth and she gives me wide eyes. Staring like she can’t quite wrap her mind around how real I’m being, but she wants to.
It’s like she’s just waiting to wake up from this dream and wind up back in the real world where I’m still a huge, selfish asshole. Still walking out on her so I can frolic around with my own demons.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I whisper. “So goddamned sorry I can’t put it into words. I know that won’t make up for what I did, but I am. Also…”
I clear my throat roughly.
Tears glimmer in her eyes and I take her wrist, pulling her hand away from her face, brushing it away gently so I can have her full attention.
“Also, I love you.” I growl the words. “And I was a braindead idiot for not telling you a month ago. A bigger fool to push you away when I needed you the most. Pages, if you’ll let me, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how real that fake engagement was meant to be.”
“The rest of your life? You can’t be serious.” She’s shaking as it dawns on her.
There’s my cue to slide off the bench, kneeling at her feet, not caring that a small puddle seeps through my pants and soaks my knees.
I grab her hands, holding them, staring up at the judge, jury, and executioner of my future.
“Ethan, holy crap, you—you cannot be serious!”
“Never been more serious, woman. I wish like hell I had the ring, but you left it back at my place. It’s there, waiting, and it’s all up to you.
Say yes, and you get it back. Say yes, and you get me.
You get my promise I’ll always do my damnedest to put you before the sun and the stars.
You get all of me, Hattie Sage. A whole lifetime proving I’m crazy in love with you. ”
“Oh my God.” Her blonde hair waves as she shakes her head. “Ethan, how can you propose right now? Like this?”
“Because I’ve wasted too much time. After today, I know what I really want, and it has me by the throat.
It also has nothing to do with the company or what Gramps wanted when he shuffled off his mortal coil.
” I press her fingers to my lips. “It’s you, Pages.
Just you. You forever. You always, before I even knew what it meant to love you. ”
Her fingers tremble against my mouth as I kiss them.
Her breath catches.
“Holy crap. Holy crap, you can’t mean that.”
I smile, unsure whether I love or hate that she’s in this much denial.
“I’ve missed you every second you’ve been gone. That’s what I mean. I’ve been like a fish tossed on the shore, gasping and lost. And I’ve hated myself almost as much as I’ve missed you. You know how many times I’ve fucked up in my life—and none of them compete with throwing you out. Never again.”
I hold her gaze, making a sacred vow, here and now.
A bigger mistake than taking the night to think over Taylor’s pregnancy.
I don’t care if it sounds insane.
For over a decade, I’ve been holding on to one gruesome mistake, carrying it with me, blaming myself for Taylor and the baby.
We were just kids who fell in over our heads.
Yes, I was wrong, but as terrible as Taylor’s death was, I didn’t murder her.
If Hattie turns me down now—if I lose her—that’s my fault.
Undeniably.
And I’ll spend every last day hating myself for becoming too toxic, too repulsive for her to love.