28. All The Venom (Ethan)

ALL THE VENOM (ETHAN)

T here are no words for the moment I walk into that police station.

I should feel like a man on death row, ready to meet my fate and whatever’s on the other side, but there’s an icy calm in my veins.

I don’t look back at Hattie, waiting anxiously in the car as she fidgets with her phone, pretending not to watch me until I disappear from view.

I don’t slow down to notice how much older Chief Saunter looks, verging on retirement, his wiry hair and mustache now fully shot with silver.

I don’t let my mind trap me in the past, to the heart of a volatile young man, too traumatized and chickenshit to face hard truths head-on.

I just know I’m ready when the chief pulls out the only other chair in his office for me and says, “Gotta say, Ethan, I’m real surprised to see you here. Sorry to hear about your granddad. What brings you in?”

I don’t remember the blow-by-blow, the words I say as I start at the beginning.

I just give him my version.

Past, present, future, heaven, and hell all blur together for the better part of the next hour.

In twenty years, the only thing I’ll truly remember is the emotion on the face of an old cop who’s seen enough to go numb.

The way his eyes narrow to slits.

The way his thin mustache twitches when he exhales sharply.

The way his shoulders tense, then slump, and settle in dramatic movements.

“And that’s it then? Everything?” he asks gently at the end.

“Everything,” I say with a nod. “I know it’s a closed case, Chief. I know there’s no criminal mystery and it’s not like you’re in the business of tearing open old wounds.”

He stares through me.

“I’m pretty sure I can’t be charged with anything, but hell.” I clear my throat roughly. “On the off chance I’m wrong, here I am. You can take me into custody right now.”

I hold my hands out in front of me, just waiting for the handcuffs.

He only glances at them for a second before leaning back in his chair with a gruff sigh.

“Damn, son. You know I’ve got no reason to hold you.

Not for a fatal accident you didn’t cause.

Frankly, you leaving Miss Rollins all torn up wasn’t the only factor.

We determined her car’s tires were almost bald, and she was speeding that night.

Nasty wreck almost guaranteed to happen in weather like that.

Sure, her emotional state didn’t help, but you’re here for a guilty conscience. Not a confession.”

Fucking hell, he’s right.

I sigh.

“Didn’t you ever read the report?” He blinks at me.

I shake my head. “No. Gramps’ bodyguard did, I guess, but they never followed up. Don’t see what it changes, either way.”

“Yeah, not much. That’s the damning thing.” He snorts softly. “While I wish you would’ve come clean years ago for her folks, there’s nothing left to do but add a note to the file and send you on your way. Appreciate you coming in.”

Too easy.

If I thought spilling my guts here would fill the decade-long chasm in my soul, I was wrong.

Yes, I feel empty, but a little lighter as I nod.

“This is a formality,” I say softly. “The people who really need to hear it, they should be next.”

He looks up sharply from scribbling something on his notepad.

“Ethan… you can’t mean bothering the Rollins?” He stares at me for ten heavy seconds before he huffs, his mustache flapping. “Aw, hell. You always were bullheaded and it’s not like I can hold you back. Just tread lightly, okay? They’ve still got the same old place over on Chamberlain.”

“Always, Chief. Thanks.”

I don’t hesitate another second.

I just shake his hand firmly and scuttle.

Hell has more layers than a wedding cake, and if I ever want to enjoy Hattie shoving our cake in my face, I have one more stop to make.

I’m fucking winging it now.

Hattie barely says a word on the drive over.

My quiet thumbs-up and few words of reassurance are all she needs, plus my hand locked in hers, silent and grateful she’s here.

If it were just me, it might’ve taken years to grow balls big enough to do this today.

But for her, for us, I have every reason to purge the black deadweight in my soul.

And that’s what I’m doing as my knees turn to lead and I march up to the door of the small old New England style house.

Taylor’s father, Joe, answers, a big man who doesn’t recognize me at first.

But Tay’s mother is there too, and she looks so thrilled when she sees me, urging me to come in.

No theatrics.

This isn’t the time.

It’s gut-wrenching as I wave off her repeated attempts to bring me coffee and pie—still the same damn blueberry pies—until I finally get them settled on the sofa across from me.

I sit in an old recliner, slumped forward with my hands folded.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll make it quick,” I begin. “When Taylor died, it tore me up. Just not for the reasons you’d think.”

I look up, just in time to see their faces tighten.

“Ethan, what do you mean? I don’t follow.” Maggie Rollins whispers.

“The night she had her accident, she was leaving my grandfather’s place.

I’d blown her off for a few weeks and she was done waiting around to talk to me.

” I watch Maggie wince. “She was pregnant, and she came to tell me. I’m guessing you guys already knew that.

Like a lot of idiotic young men who live their lives on easy mode, I didn’t take it well. ”

Her father stiffens. Joe’s eyes flash with suspicion, sizing me up as a threat, and they absolutely should.

“I threw a shitfit—pardon my language. That’s what I did, and she ran off in tears. Later, I came to terms with it. I was coming over here the next day to apologize for what an idiot I’d been and promise her we’d work something out. But it never got that far.”

They’re both watching me like hawks as I pause to swallow before continuing.

“Because I freaked out on her, because I panicked, she stormed off crushed.” Every breath feels like mud as I try to inhale.

“I’m not saying I caused her to—yeah. I don’t know if I did.

But up until today, when I saw Chief Saunter, that never would’ve made it in any report.

I’m sure you might’ve wondered what made her drive so reckless, and you’re looking at the reason.

This guy, who used to be a punk and didn’t want to grow up fast enough.

I’ve held onto it for years and I’m sorry as hell.

Just wish I could give you a whole lot more. ”

The next ten seconds are pure brutality.

Maggie’s face shrivels like a pale prune, but she doesn’t cry.

It’s Joe who springs up, marches across the room, and smashes my face.

I’m not expecting the punch and the impact knocks me to the floor.

By the time my vision clears, I’m covering my face, slowly lowering my hand just in time to see him stomping away, muttering to himself.

“I deserved that,” I mutter painfully. “Maggie, I’m so—”

“You were just a boy,” she interrupts softly, lacing her fingers together and leaning toward me. “You know what I’ve missed about Taylor all these years? Guess.”

Not a fucking clue.

I shake my head.

“…her music? She was always good at that, even talked a few times about flying around to sing for charity.”

“That would be second.” Maggie smiles. “What I’ve missed more than anything, Ethan, is how gentle my girl was. How forgiving. She had a heart that was softer than mine—and I know it would break all over again if she looked down and saw me deciding to do anything different.”

I’m still dazed as she stands, walks over, and hugs me tightly.

“Thank you for giving us the truth. Deep down, we both wondered, but I forgive you. Maybe not fully. Maybe not today. But in the weeks and months, I know I will, and so will Joe. Eventually. You need an ice pack for your face?”

“No,” I mutter, shaking my head as she untangles herself and stands, folding her arms.

I don’t know what the hell I expected.

Definitely not this.

But there’s a lot less venom in my blood, and it makes me feel light enough to take flight.

“Good. Then kindly get the hell out of my house,” she says.

I blink at her.

But she doesn’t bother with a second glance as she heads into the kitchen, and I show myself out.

Far better hospitality than I deserve.

My right eye socket hurts like hell and I’m sure there’s a nasty bruise coming.

Still, as I climb back in the vehicle and shut the door, I’ve never felt this peaceful in my life.

“Holy crap, your face! What happened?” Hattie grabs my shoulders, all worried eyes as she looks at me.

“Exactly what needed to. Let’s go home and get married, Pages.”

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