Chapter 11 #2
That statement was so out of character for the confident Rafe I knew.
Without thinking, I reached my hand out and touched his.
“Don’t say that. I saw your photographs of Dylan, the ones for his book tour.
They’re beautiful, and art is vital to humanity.
Without it, the world would be a very dark place. ”
I went to pull my hand back, but Rafe held on tightly, and our eyes locked again. His were filled with a welcome understanding and warmth.
An intense awareness sparked between us. It ignited a feeling inside me that was very rare.
We’d both made assumptions about the other based on the little public knowledge we had. Our stupid arguments were just that—two people completely oblivious to the real person beyond the persona.
“Are you ready?”
Jana’s sudden question startled both of us as she appeared by our table. We quickly pulled our hands apart like we’d been caught in a compromising position.
“Ready?” Rafe asked, as confused as I was.
“For your second course.” She held up the large tray in her hand.
After setting it down on the cart beside us, she removed our soup bowls, and offered us a dinner that looked too beautiful to eat.
“Medallions of grass-fed Australian beef, served medium, with sautéed wild greens, and a creamy white corn polenta.”
Rafe and I murmured our thanks as Jana departed, leaving us alone again under the stars and the moonlight.
We dug into our meal, the meat so tender and perfectly seasoned. I finished my glass of prosecco and poured another for Rafe, while he smiled and offered his thanks.
This dinner was turning out far better than I’d hoped.
Was this a turning point? I hoped so. I didn’t want to go back to yelling matches. I hated drama in real life. And now that I knew more about him, and had given him a glimpse of my life, a connection bloomed. It made everything in my body come alive.
I savored the feeling, knowing how rare such things could be.
Rafe took a bite of steak and moaned his appreciation. “This reminds me of the meal I had with Ro, Andrew, Dylan, and Max last summer in France. We were sitting on a patio, overlooking the boardwalk in Villefranche. What a fabulous night.”
“I remember that trip well. I’d gone into the city that night myself with…”
I paused, unsure if I should go into my personal history. Rafe waited silently, not pushing at all. Then I remembered my reaction this morning.
“I’d gone into the city with my ex, Aldo. He’d tracked me down, flying in from Naples after I refused to answer his many calls and texts.”
“Were you together long?” Rafe asked.
“Six months, but much of it was long distance given my work. I was surprised to see him show up in France when he’d been the one to dump me several months’ prior, blaming me for his unhappiness. His visit changed nothing.”
“And why’s that?” Rafe asked, his eyes lit with curiosity.
I sighed. “He wanted me to take him back, but on the condition that I quit my job and work with him at his restaurant. But I wasn’t about to give up my only passion.
And any affection we might have had was already gone by then anyway.
When he broke up with me, he said very hurtful things.
And there were revelations too. Turns out, he cheated on me the entire time we were together.
I thought his flirting with other men was harmless, but I was a na?ve fool. ”
“Now things are starting to make sense,” Rafe whispered and nodded.
“I didn’t mean what I said to you earlier about playing games. I guess I let my frustration with Aldo spill over. He texted me last night, like he’s done for a while now. He wants to be friends and claims he’s got no one else. And despite what happened between us, I feel badly.”
“Sometimes the best thing you can do is cut off contact. For him and for you.”
“Easier said than done. That relationship was a record for me. I haven’t had much experience—or success—with love. What about you?”
Rafe shook his head. “I’ve never been in love. I’ve had a few casual relationships, but I was never fully invested. My own life, my career, always took precedence. I’m a very independent sort of person. Most of my adult life, I’ve been content with casual sex.”
“Not me. I’m not like that at all,” I whispered, and my stomach clenched at my unexpected confession.
I set down my fork, unable to eat anymore.
“What does that mean? Am I less than you because I like casual sex?”
Rafe’s demeanor went from pleased to pissed in a heartbeat. No, this couldn’t happen again.
“No! No, that’s not what I meant. I’m different from you, from my mates, from most people really. People who meet someone, flirt easily, have sex right away, and move on to the next person. It’s never that way for me. I don’t feel that instant attraction that everyone goes on about,” I confessed.
Fucking hell, I can’t believe I admitted that out loud. And now Rafe was curiously silent, so unlike him that it made me wary.
I placed my napkin aside and stood up, walking over to the starboard side, the view of the water always calming to me. Rafe followed, moving closer, until I felt his body heat, and the unique and entirely edible scent that was him. Like a sun-drenched beach in the heat of summer.
“George.” He whispered my name softly and I looked at him, his indigo eyes filled with compassion. My heart galloped, trying to keep pace with my racing mind. “You’re demi?” he asked.
I held my breath for a moment and finally let go.
“Yes.”
Rafe sighed and nodded. “But it bothers you?”
I gave him a brief smile. “I’m happy that I finally understand who I am, but it’s taken me a long time to get here.
And I still feel different. Sometimes it’s like I’m an outsider in the queer community.
It’s not easy to explain to a bloke that I want to get to know him first and then, eventually—if I feel the connection—have sex.
Most are ready to get right to the...” I paused.
“Fucking?” Rafe offered.
“Yes, quite,” I chuckled as my cheeks heated.
Could I actually die of embarrassment? I was about to test the theory.
“But I’m just not that way. That’s what I struggle with.”
My forearms gripped the railing so tight I was surprised I hadn’t ripped them right off the brackets. Rafe stood beside me, nudging his shoulder against mine, our bodies tethered in the cool night air.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. Now I have a better understanding of your discomfort with my overt flirting. For a few reasons. And if I made you feel awkward in any way, I apologize,” Rafe whispered.
“Don’t, Rafe. You’ve nothing to apologize for. I’m envious of you.”
“Well, you needn’t be. Hooking up has lost its allure.
I see my brother so in love, so happy, that I strangely want the same thing for myself.
Silly really, when I’m not even sure I’d know what to do in a serious relationship.
Hell, this dinner is more like a real date than any I’ve ever had in my entire life. ”
Both of us stood silent as I let his last comment sink in.
If only it were true…
“And we’ve come a long way in terms of our understanding of human sexuality, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do better.”
His words touched me in a place deep inside far more than I cared to admit.
“I’ve only had sex with men I’ve had serious relationships with. And only three of those in my adult life,” I confessed. “A friendship first. Then I’m all in. Except, there’s my work. It’s not easy to find someone who understands my nomadic schedule.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” Rafe replied. “I had a few lovers who questioned my wanderlust. But I’m never content to stay in one place forever. Miami’s been my home base for school, but not anymore. I’ve decided that after this trip, I’m moving again.”
“Where to?”
“I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll become a permanent passenger here on Now, Voyager ?” he teased. “Like pensioners who take a year-long, round the world cruise,” Rafe quipped.
I faced him again with a smile, ignoring the reckless urge I had to reach out and touch him.
“I’m happy to take you wherever you want to go.”